Struggling so badly

[battlethrough]

Haven't been here for a while, I was starting to manage then my lovely father passed away last week. 

I have been keeping strong for my mum and sister then last night I drank myself stupid, I went to bed drunk and was bombarded with incest images,it's so confusing because I was drunk it felt like I enjoyed them although they disgust me, I even googled incest fantasy worry but I'm pretty sure they weren't a fantasy because I was trying to push the thoughts away, I then text my sister to see how she was but I told her I was in bed and I had a thought of sending her a rude picture, of course I didn't,I'm so confused and hungover today, really feel quite vile.

[Lost in Thought]

Sorry to hear about your fathers passing  @battlethrough and don’t be hard on yourself as they are thoughts not you and it doesn’t mean you want to act on them. 

[battlethrough]

Thank you, ocd makes me wonder if I did, I even had thoughts of going to hers, although I imagine they were also intrusive, so a noted, I've been so strong and now I'm back at the bottom, the images were so graphic, like a porn playing or something, I actually feel physically sick that was in my head, how can booze twist it so much to make me wonder if I enjoyed it

[Lost in Thought]

Well done doing so well and it sounds like you are making progress but there are always set backs. It’s how we react to them and I know you will bounce back. It maybe distressing right now but it will make you stronger in the long term. 

[battlethrough]

Thank you, I have my usual awful need to confess to partner, hate this so much

[gingerbreadgirl]

So so sorry about your dad bt. Best wishes xxx

As for the thoughts - same old same old ocd. Don't engage. 

[Avo]

sorry to hear about your Dad battlethrough. that's a tough one to go through

With your OCD, don't confess its not a solution it just makes things worse long term.  Remember thoughts are just that - its how we react to them that makes the difference. Don't give them any meaning and they will fade away, go back to what you were doing when you were managing. 

 

[battlethrough]

Finding it so hard with the guilt of these thoughts and feelings of intent while trying to sort a funeral, trying not to engage 

[dksea]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your father.  You have every right to be having a tough time after such a tragic loss.

 

On 21/06/2020 at 19:58, battlethrough said:

bombarded with incest images,it's so confusing because I was drunk it felt like I enjoyed them although they disgust me

Something that may be keeping you stuck is trying to apply value judgements to these thoughts.  You probably feel a strong need to point out how they disgust you for example.  This is a typical OCD response, but the reality is the images are not nearly as important as you have come to believe they are.  They are just images after all, and further, images during a dream are even less meaningful because you don't control them, they just happen.  If you keep treating these thoughts as completely unacceptable, then your discomfort will continue to grow.  The more you can treat the thoughts as unimportant, the sooner they will feel unimportant to you again.
 

[battlethrough]

Thanks, it wasn't a dream though bud,my ocd seems to attack a lot when drunk, it twists it all and makes me feel like I become a disgusting vile perv when drunk, its like a battle of confusion of whether I enjoy thoughts and intent when my sober being is the oppiste, if it even is ocd,I have battled with drink for years,and if ocd it seems to warp into something that doesn't feel like me

[dksea]

3 hours ago, battlethrough said:

it wasn't a dream though

Ah, sorry I missed that part.  Still, a thought is just a thought. As upsetting and frustrating as they can be, and OCD certainly pushes the limits on that front, it doesn't mean you are a "disgusting vile perv".  If I imagine pushing my annoying coworker off the top of a building it doesn't make me a murderer.  If you imagine robbing a bank it doesn't make you a criminal.  Thoughts happen, some good, some bad, some neutral, the more you focus on them, the more of a problem they will cause, not because it means you are a bad person, but because it will keep the cycle of anxiety going.
 

3 hours ago, battlethrough said:

I have battled with drink for years,and if ocd it seems to warp into something that doesn't feel like me

I imagine its quite difficult struggle with these two problems, but you are not alone.  Rather than focus on the thoughts, try and focus on the steps you can take to improve the situation, such as therapy, etc.  Maybe you can find a program to help you deal with the drinking, which seems like it would help with your OCD as well.