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Hi,

I know I have posted on here before about this topic, I am really sorry to talk about it again, I am just really really struggling from the guilt of one of my past compulsions. The compulsion was to repeat a rude phrase out loud about a loved one to myself in private (the phrase which it wanted me to say is not something I have ever, ever thought before and the phrase it wanted me to say upsets me a lot) to prevent my intrusive thought from coming true and for my intrusive thought to stop for just one second. My ocd would not leave me alone until I repeated the phrase. It kept telling me and telling me if I didn't say it to myself what would happen, and that all my intrusive thought would come true. I feel immensely immensely guilty about giving in and doing the compulsion. The guilt is absolutely consuming me. I feel like a horrible person. I also feel alone, I haven't seen many posts about this type of compulsion, and don't see a lot about this type of compulsion. Sorry to post about this topic on here again. 

Thankyou. 

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OCD loves to attach itself to extremely minor things and make them into end of the world scenarios. And yes, what you did is extremely minor. On the bad things you can do scale, it's right beside farting silently in a grocery store.

Yeah, that minor.

I know it doesn't seem so to you, right now. OCD screamed at you that it was a big deal and your mistake was believing that and reacting to the fake news by doing even more compulsions.

Without any input from you, I know that you have spent scores of hours ruminating about this, going over it in your head, chastising yourself and so forth. Ruminating is a compulsion and all that has done is drag you further into OCD'S grip, while unnecessarily punishing yourself. 

You didn't break a law or even a rule. You said some words. Do you think everyone in rhe world should be punished mercilessly every time they say something nasty?

Let it go. It's trivial. It's not worth any more time. Refuse to get sucked into mind debates over it.

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I needed to see this. I've just had a truly disgusting thought and feel ashamed about it. Of course it's intrusive, just my mind stretching it's imagination. I should be easier on myself, thinking something appalling isn't a crime. 

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I’ve had this kind of compulsion too, that I had to say something horrible about someone I love without them being there just to “save” them from my intrusive thoughts. You are not alone and you are certainly not horrible. I know that you feel that “it’s better for everyone” if you withdraw yourself from everyone because you “don’t deserve their love” but; People that love you will never judge or abandon you for having a “bad” thought/compulsion. Try to find your strength, I know you can. If you have the energy to make yourself feel bad about having thoughts and compulsions (that takes a lot of energy, believe me), you certainly have the energy to get through it and set yourself above all of it!!! By feeling so guilty about a “bad” compulsion you are the opposite of being your definition of a “bad” person. I hope you’ll realize how wonderful you are and that having thoughts/compulsions don’t define who you are. Imagine your mind being a high way and the cars that drive by are your thoughts. The type of car that drives on the road does not define what kind of road it is. If a ugly, broken car drives on that high way, the road doesn’t become ugly and broken too; the cars don’t define the road, just like your thoughts/compulsions don’t define you. You DESERVE being loved, even when you feel like you don’t. You just need to learn how to cope with it, and that is so tuff to do, but I know that you can do it. I believe that you can do it and I promise that you can do it. I understand what you’re feeling really I used to have it really bad as well. At one point I didn’t want to talk to my parents, hug them or eat dinner that my parents made for me, I could’t even accept if they gave me a glass of water because I felt SO guilty for having intrusive thoughts about them, I just felt that I was to horrific to be loved, and that they didn’t know the “true me” and that if they knew the would abandon me. I started to act rude on purpose so that they would see how “bad I am”. That was my lowest point..... but it got better: What really helped me is to treat the guilt as you treat your intrusive thoughts, a technique that helped me personally was mindfulness and talking witha psychologist(I don’t know if you already do that or if you want that but it helped me a lot). Mindfulness is a great way to acknowledge your thoughts/guilt and just let it be. Headspace is a great app! I just want you to know that people are lucky to have such a genuine and considerate person like you, even if you feel like you’re the worst person in the world (because I could imagine reading myself this if I were you and thinking “this person is writing all of these nice things but she doesn’t REALLY know how bad I am”) but I KNOW that you are not your thoughts/compulsions, even if you don’t know it yourself right know. I wish i could say all of this to myself when I was feeling like this. And always remember: your current situation is not your final destination. You will get through this, you can do it, I know you can but you just have to know it too :) 

Edited by ocd19
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