Feeling stupid, but...

[Cub]

Hey guys

How are we all? My best friend came down today and took me out of my head for a while, so that was really lovely. We had a wonderful time.

It's my thirtieth birthday tomorrow and I'm feeling overwhelmed and a little ashamed of myself. Over the past few months I've fought a difficult OCD battle and I'm scared about the impact that the disorder is having on me. But I'm also scared that on some level, I've just given up and will let the OCD take over completely because I don't think that I deserve to be happy; happiness is something that belongs to other people, not to me. But on another level I've grown used to an OCD way of thinking. I have a lot of rumination in my head at the moment, a vicious cycle of thought and I'm scared of sabotaging myself.

But more recently, I've exposed myself to people who have made me feel as though I don't deserve to be happy - that I need to try harder as a Christian to resist temptation, obey God's voice, make sacrifices, etc - and feel like I don't deserve to enjoy the things that I want to enjoy. Even crazier, it's like on some level I want them to be a bit forbidden, a bit taboo? I know that sounds mad. I just feel very sad and more than that, I feel like I don't make an effort; the words of these people have been rattling around my head for days and months and I'm worried I'm quietly letting myself become brainwashed without a fight and keep wondering 'what if they're right?' and seeming to deliberately make life difficult for myself. I've been very, very tired. I've had a lot of love - and birthday cards sent - for tomorrow and yet I feel I deserve none of it and that I won't get out of this. It's just making me want to curl up quietly and die, before I make things worse for myself.

I know this is a depressing post the night before my thirtieth birthday, but I feel like I need to be honest as I'm honestly feeling frightened that I have nothing left to give; I'm scared of self-sabotage and of good things in case I ruin them. For example, I was looking forward to seeing my best friend today, but I wouldn't let myself get too excited in case I wrecked things. I forgot once or twice that it was my birthday tomorrow at all. 

I know this is a weird post; I'm a worrier and I'm used to worrying, which makes me doubt myself. My best friend was pointing out all the good things I have and I feel bad for not making more of them; it makes me feel ungrateful and fixated on one or two things and to that end, that my family would be better off without me if I can't focus on the things I have. 

Lots of love and apologies if I sound strange. Thankyou for all the support even though I sound like a maniac. 

C x

[CupofTea]

Hi Cub,

I think most people on the forum can relate to that 'not worthy' feeling, and feel guilty or like we don't deserve it if we feel happy (oh the cheek of it, daring to enjoy our lives!).  But it's just the OCD - and you must live DESPITE the rubbish it throws at you. You are compassionate, kind, intelligent, and very loved by your friends and family. Of course OCD is going to say 'Yeah, but...' and provide you with a load of reasons why you should punish yourself. That's it's whole set up. It's not that you're ungrateful for the things you have; in fact, it's almost the opposite. It's that you're acutely aware of everything you have, which is why it's so painful that you feel like you can't relax and enjoy it because of bullying OCD.

Wishing you a lovely birthday, but don't put pressure on yourself (many of us have a tendency to worry that we're not properly 'feeling it' with big events like birthdays and Christmas! OCD is such a pain...). If OCD gets in the way, it's not your fault; it's an illness.

Keep your chin up - you're not alone, and things will get better. xxxx

[Cub]

Thankyou so much for that, Cup. That's rather reassuring, in its own way. You've outlined the feelings quite well. I'll try not to put too much pressure on myself, thankyou.  Thankyou for the empathy and the kindness.

C x

[Hdigtts]

And happy birthday

[Lost in Thought]

Happy Birthday @Cub

[gingerbreadgirl]

Happy happy birthday cub!!!!

The thirties are the best although you may find your knees mysteriously start hurting for no good reason  

I know you're having a hard time right now but it won't always be like this. Just got to hang in there and spot ocd when it's up to its dirty tricks. Xx

Edited June 23, 2020 by gingerbreadgirl

[Ashley]

Sending you Happy Birthday thoughts Cub

[Cora]

Happy birthday, @Cub! 

 

[malina]

11 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

The thirties are the best although you may find your knees mysteriously start hurting for no good reason  

This is so true!!

[malina]

Happy birthday Cub!! Have a wonderful day and try to enjoy yourself, let go of these problems for a little while and have fun your family. It'll all work out, one step at a time!

[Charley]

Many happy returns on your 30th birthday @CubXx

[Cub]

Hi everybody

Thanks very much for all the lovely birthday wishes - against the odds, it ended up being one of the loveliest birthdays that I've ever had! I had spent a couple of years worried about how I was going to celebrate this particular milestone, and actually, lockdown made it far lovelier than I ever thought it could. I had a panic in the middle of the day; I didn't believe that I deserved such spoiling from my friends and actually began to panic and think I would be better off dead; I retreated to a tent we currently have erected in the middle of the garden that's become my safe space, and panic-texted a friend who has also dealt with her own mental health issues; she was able to calm me down and help me see the problem from a new perspective. My nieces then arrived and the rest of the day was wonderful. 

We had a full, noisy day full of treats and now it's the evening and I don't want to spoil it with my OCD tirade, but I think I may have a problem that needs addressing as I'm currently dealing with compulsions and I don't want to end what was such a lovely day on a horrible note and theology comparisons. 

As many of you guys know, recently my fear has been based online and my OCD is quite strong with this one as I have a constant OCD cycle going on. Back in March I discovered a very upsetting fundamentalist Christian website and long story short, my big fear, every time I turn the computer on, is that I'll revisit it, even though I know it upsets me and triggers my OCD badly. I don't agree with what they're saying and have had reassurances to the contrary, assuring me that they're wrong and extremist from friends of mine but keep feeling bound to go back to check that this is still the case, as my big fear is that they are right; even when I'm not online I'm thinking about it and mentally checking as to whether or not I agree with them and fear being brainwashed. I feel like I have a massive mental block in my head; I can't write or read LGBT stories anymore and it feels as though my quality of life has dropped. Whenever I do turn the computer on I get that itching fear; I get genuinely scared of turning on my laptop now. I don't even know what I'm doing here; other than the fact that this website scares me and yet I can't switch off. I just feel very mentally stuck and don't know what to do about it; I can't get past it and it makes the quality of my lockdown life, day to day, very difficult. I'm resisting the urge to go back and visit the site - just thinking about it right now is making me tetchy and irritable - and I'm wondering if God is trying to tell me something, if God wants me to learn a few things and become a more devout Christian, as I just can't seem to get past it and even if I do, it'll come back to haunt me somehow; it's like I want something to worry about, like I want something to 'feel wrong' so I can feel naughty. I just feel so stuck and don't know where to go from here. I feel like such a fool for doing this to myself. 

Any help would be much appreciated. Sorry to sound like a nutcase and if this is offensive to anybody. I just have a massive vicious cycle in my mind and it's upsetting and my online CBT doesn't seem to be helping. 

C x