Jump to content

In the blink of an eye I am 47, what happened?!


Recommended Posts

Ashley2005.jpg

 

A blog piece I wrote last week..

The other day I stumbled on this photo which I had not seen for a while and I started to reminisce about all the good our charity team have achieved in the 15 years since that photograph was taken. But it was also tinged with regret, of sorts, I later told a friend.

“15 years ago, I was a 32-year-old young professional, I still had my life ahead of me and I was more than happy to prioritise my work for the charity. But in the blink of an eye I am 47, still single and childless… what happened?!”

My friend asked me if I felt sad about that? To which I had no reply.

But the fact I still tell everyone I am 39 perhaps goes someway to answer that. At 39 I felt I still have a little time on my side to get those things, at 47 the chances of being a father at my age are now pretty unlikely.

My friend reminded me that my job is an important one, and more than a job, which is right and I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world, but as I told her…

“Along the way I’ve forgot to enjoy life or I’ve used work to avoid living life.”

At which point, like any good friend, she didn’t let me off the hook she asked me which was it? The honest answer is I am not entirely sure, although my colleague firmly believes it’s the latter. I think that’s right, but we need to go back to the beginning to understand why.

When I was younger OCD was the dominant feature of my late teens and all of my 20s, even some of my 30s. The truth is OCD prevented me enjoying life like I wanted because of the never-ending washing to ‘feel’ clean, I avoided life. Each day was strictly the ‘three W’s’, Wake > Work > Wash!

Because of this I rarely went out to socialise. As the years went on socialising, making small talk, being in social situations became more and more uncomfortable and so I avoided situations even more. I would throw myself into work to avoid having to be in those social situations, and of course my opportunity to meet anyone or date became limited.

When training therapists, Professor Salkovskis uses the term ‘collateral damage’ to remind them not to ignore the impact OCD can have on a person’s life. Because when OCD is successfully treated, it can leave a huge gaping hole for some.

I guess the collateral damage of my OCD was I remained isolated and lonely. Although, I tried to kid myself for decades that I wasn’t lonely, the truth was I have always been lonely. Perhaps this is why I enjoy cycling, it’s something I can do on my own without having to cycle with anybody else.

Back to the earlier question, I guess the truth is I used work to plug the big gaping hole caused by OCD. The socialising, dating and relationships that most people learn to do in their teens and 20s was an alien concept for me, despite some failed dabbling over the years. At my age people expect you to know how to do all of that with relative ease, but for me it still feels uncomfortable and embarrasing, even now at the age of 47.

So, in the blink of an eye I’m 47… what happened?!

OCD happened, but worse still I have let it happen (the collateral damage part).

I know admitting this this leaves me open and vulnerable to ridicule, but at my age 47 I have stopped caring if people judge me for my failings. (Did you hear that Zoë, I said I was 47!).

I hope by writing this, it may help others, perhaps whose life didn’t pan out how they had hoped to feel a little less isolated. I also hope this might remind others that once OCD is no longer stopping you living life, to make sure you actually do live your life! Go and have fun, make mistakes, but jolly well make sure you live your life.

Life may be different to our we envisioned it, but we owe it to ourselves after years of misery from OCD to make sure whatever life holds in the future, we make sure the future starts now.

Link to comment

Firstly happy birthday @Ashley and thank you for posting such an honest blog post.  It has (is) making me think about my own life and collateral damage I might have. I’m slightly younger, but luckily married and  I’ve got two children.
 

Reading what you wrote made me appreciate this fact. Please don’t give up hope. At many times I never thought I’d meet anyone let alone have a family and you are never too old.
 

Despite being settled down now, because I missed out on dating/ relationships in my teens and most of my twenties I’m left with a thought of what if. I sometimes think of making up for it by living my life to the full now and making mistakes I was too frightened to make but still am. 

Link to comment

Thank you for your birthday wishes guys, but my bad for the way I worded the post. I was actually 47 months ago :D  I guess the point I was making that blink of an eye and I am in my late 40s....  Unless I am feeling particularly old, then I will lie and tell everyone I ma 39  :D  

Link to comment
On 23/06/2020 at 15:29, Lost in Thought said:

I’m left with a thought of what if. I sometimes think of making up for it by living my life to the full now and making mistakes I was too frightened to make but still am

Love this.  I don't think for anybody we can benefit by focussing on the what ifs. But you're right, live life now and it's ok to make mistakes sometimes, because you're living!   I guess that's a lesson I need to adapt pretty quickly. 

Link to comment

 

8 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Love this.  I don't think for anybody we can benefit by focussing on the what ifs. But you're right, live life now and it's ok to make mistakes sometimes, because you're living!   I guess that's a lesson I need to adapt pretty quickly. 

?

Link to comment

Thanks for this Ashley! 

On 23/06/2020 at 14:34, Ashley said:

Life may be different to our we envisioned it, but we owe it to ourselves after years of misery from OCD to make sure whatever life holds in the future, we make sure the future starts now.

This is such a helpful thought ^^^

Please don't underestimate the huge impact that your devotion to your career has had for so many OCD sufferers.

Also it might help to keep in mind that your chance for a future, marriage and kids isn't over at 47 (men can father kids into their 50s/60s+). 

OCD has had a huge impact on all areas of my life too- I can feel very sad and lost over the whole thing but it would be great if it could also motivate me to make more changes!  

Link to comment
Guest dimmerswitch

I’m now in my 50s Ashley. I have suffered from ocd since my early 20s. This debilitating and cruel illness has robbed me of so much happiness. 
Finding this forum a few years back was a pivotal moment in helping me cope. 
Knowing you are all there, all the time. Ready to tell me what I already know when I’m spiralling (aren’t we all like this? ?) and allowing me to try and offer help to my fellow sufferers on here is absolutely priceless.

Disclaimer - non-reassurance bit ?

You’re responsible for this Ashley. Thank you. It means so much. Thank you.

Link to comment

I think because you know it's OCD and you know what you want .you have a good chance if getting it. Good luck.

I'm 47 next month. My first husband left me because if my OCD. We were young and didn't even know what OCD was, I have hyper responsibility.

My forever person, my now husband is amazing and we have a great life. Getting diagnosed helped.

I've missed out on a lot , mainly career and financial because if OCD but I do have a good life.

Stay positive and many many thanks for your amazing forum.

When looking for a date visualise yourself as the amazing caring person who has and does help so many. You are wonderful and someone would be lucky to meet such a kind person .

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

This really helps. I'm 40 now and the last 25 years have been so tough. A big part is missed opportunities. There are five or ten things where I could have moved on to something really exciting and OCD messed it up. It hurts. Also times when I took risks like people always say - live your dreams etc. and it didn't work, the OCD ruined it. Also missed out on a relationship I struggle to get over!! I tend to think these days that it's just learning to appreciate any good time is special. Any moment, if it's a walk to the shop or a laugh about something among colleauges. Don't think life's a narrative that has to play out this way or that. You only have to watch the news one evening to see it doesn't work out for lots of people really.

There are always groups you can join, meetups and so on :)

Edited by Slowcoach
Link to comment

Hello everyone I’ve only just discovered this group. I have OCD and am feeling very shaky at the minute. I’m a teacher and have had to go into school today. All the talk about cleaning down desks and tables before classes etc. has got me feeling really anxious and the whole pandemic is making me feel depressed, like it will never end and neither will the anxiety!

Can anyone offer advice please?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...