OCD, Gaming, Ruining Experiences – Lost my Lifeline

[fightoffyourdemons]

Hi all, I hope you’re keeping safe and well in this crazy world we are finding ourselves in.

I apologise in advance if this is quite a long message. I also appreciate it that it may well come across as asking for reassurance, but I’m not sure where else to go. I’m hoping by just writing about it will help, but if in any way this post, or any replies I am kind enough to receive help me reclaim what I have lost, well, that would just be an amazing feat.

For a brief bit of background on myself, I am male, 32, and suffer from Pure-O, borderline personality disorder and on-and-off depression.

Growing up, I would always feel that I didn’t fit in, or that I wasn’t cool enough, or that I was undeserving of happiness or nice things. Because of this I would always try too hard, be super over the top or just ask for reassurance in a huge way.

Because my world and my head were a very lonely place, I would seek comfort in worlds that I could escape in and these would provide me with places to feel safe, content, accepted.

These ‘worlds’ would typically be music and computer games. I became absolutely OBSESSED with music from a young age, seeking solace in music, the bands, the songwriters and the lyricists. My teenage years are nothing but a blur of music, reading into words and feeling their pain and like I belonged. It wasn’t particularly healthy I know, but it got me through.

A few years ago, I completely ruined my experience with music by getting an obsession into my head that I couldn’t listen to these bands unless I had made contact with the artists, spoke with them and effectively received their permission to listen to them. This validation and longing seemed vital to me, even though I had listened to the music for years. It became an obsession and after months of reaching out to them on social media etc, I had worked myself into such a frenzy that I was completely unable to listen to my childhood bands anymore. Some artists responded to me in a positive way, others ignored me completely, others were angry and blocked me. I understand that completely. I became obsessed and would sometimes send 10-15 messages, apologising for hassling them, effectively pouring my heart out, telling them my problems, asking for permission to listen to them.

I managed to ruin so many bands, that I can't listen to them anymore. It sounds trivial, but it was my lifeline and I miss it so much. Because music built my formative years, I feel as though I've lost a bit of my childhood.

I have conceded that I will never get that back and I have lost it forever. That is heartbreaking but it is what it is. Art is such a personal thing, that I can't help but feel that if the artist hates me, then I can't listen to their music or relate to them.

The real thing which is now breaking my heart and making me very unhappy, is the fact I am slowly ruining my other passion and escapism - video games.

I know that it is a trait of my conditions to sabotage things that I love, and although I deal with that every day, there are some things I cannot get past.

I look for connections in things and ways that some things and products are linked. If I feel I have ruined a certain game for myself, I then can't play another game by the same company, or who uses the same voice actor. It's crazy, because I know most game studios have 100s of people working for them, and there isn't one person who is the creator (unlike perhaps a songwriter), but I can't help it.

The main reason and game for my sadness is the game Fallout (and the other games in the series). The 4 recent Fallout games have been such a source of happiness, relaxation and therapy for me, but I feel as though I can't play them anymore.

The reason for this is ridiculous. I saw an article about a fan reaching out to the creators, saying how much the game meant to them. They received a nice response. I also then read awful tweets some other people sent the creators, slagging off the games.

Up until this point I had never reached out to the creators because I didn't want anything to jeopardise anything for me. At this point, seeing these other conversations triggered me, and I felt I had to validate the fact that I deserved to play the games by reaching out.

At this point, I was also talking to some people who ran a Fallout podcast (unofficial), who I spoke to in a nice way, and I also had a massive case of the flu (this was a couple of years ago).

I was tempted to reach out to the creators to say how much the game has changed my life, how much I needed it etc. But I don't think I did. But I honestly cannot remember if I did or not, because at that time, I was blindly firing off 10's of messages a day sometimes to things which I loved.

To be clear, I was never rude, or offensive to people. But I just must have seemed absolutely mental to them.

I can't remember if I reached out to anyone connected to Fallout or not, but I remember worrying that something had someone ruined it. I remember that feeling so clearly. I then put the game down and couldn't play it any more.

I miss it so much. I have been wanting to play it again recently, to have that escapism, that joy, but I just can't. It feels so invalid. Which I know doesn't make sense, but I just can't explain it.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this, and I'm sorry for going on. But I just can't seem to beat this.

I appreciate given the current climate this may seem trivial. But these things are my rock, they are what have stopped me from self-harm in the past, or given me a reason to be alive during my darkest times.

Thank you for listening x

[AmandaG]

I hope writing that out has been helpful to you 

I'm sorry to hear that these experiences, or perception of these experiences, has soured things you enjoyed very much, and I'm not sure what to suggest. All I can think to say is that people in high profile positions get all kinds of messages, all the time, they prioritise very few of them, and likely forget a lot, so something that stands out like an unpleasant landmark to you might be completely forgotten now, and probably wasn't as significant to them at the time as you might think.

I speak from some experience, because I worked at a local newspaper, so my name and face were known by thousands of people. I spoke to and wrote about a lot of people, meeting new people all day every day, and rarely dwelt on anything or anyone in particular, because I needed my full attention on what I was doing and what I needed to do next.

Do you have any other interests you could become absorbed in without them being tainted by negative feelings? Even other music, or other games?

 

[dksea]

Sorry to hear you are struggling with all this @fightoffyourdemons, I hope writing some of it out helps you process it a bit, I know that doing so can help me with my OCD struggles.

11 hours ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

I managed to ruin so many bands, that I can't listen to them anymore. It sounds trivial, but it was my lifeline and I miss it so much. Because music built my formative years, I feel as though I've lost a bit of my childhood.

I have conceded that I will never get that back and I have lost it forever. That is heartbreaking but it is what it is. Art is such a personal thing, that I can't help but feel that if the artist hates me, then I can't listen to their music or relate to them.

So a number of years back I experienced a major OCD incident that directly affected something I enjoyed.  I was watching an episode of one of my favorite TV series (Doctor Who) and experienced a very disturbing intrusive thought.  It actually had absolutely nothing to do with the show itself, I don't know why it popped in to my head when it did, but it didn't matter.  I spiraled downward pretty quickly and for quite some time struggled to deal with my OCD.  The details of the thought and my recovery aren't particularly important, what is relevant to your situation is that after that I found it very difficult to watch Doctor Who, ESPECIALLY the particular episode I was watching at the time.  I felt like it had been ruined, I didn't want to watch it because it was connected to my fear and I never wanted to deal with that fear again.  Eventually however, I got to the point in my recovery where I needed to confront this situation.  I had to make a choice.  I could either let this thing I had loved be ruined forever OR I could take on the challenge of fixing things.  So I made myself start watching the show again.  At first it was hard, I didn't particularly enjoy it.  It made me feel anxiety and was unpleasant.  However, I knew that if I kept at it, if I kept watching the show and avoiding my compulsions and negative behaviors, the link would be broken.  And it was.  Eventually I watched the specific episode that I'd been watching when my OCD flared up.  And I watched it again, and again.  Each time it got easier.  Each time it became less associated with that bad incident.  Now I can watch it without.a problem.  I broke the connection between my anxiety and the thing I loved.  

The reality is you CAN get the enjoyment back.  You haven't lost it forever UNLESS you allow it to remain lost. No, you won't enjoy it at first, but you don't have to.  At first the only thing you need to do is experience it (be it music or video games) and NOT given in to the compulsions and obsession as best as you can.  Keep doing that over and over, keep listening to the album or playing the game, and you'll break free from the limitations OCD is trying to place on you.  You'll be able to enjoy the things again because you will no longer associate them with the OCD problem.  You have to fake it til you make it.

Fortunately for you (and all OCD sufferers) the mind is a very adaptable tool, we can change how we think and act, if are willing to put in the work.  Its not fun, especially at first, but the alternative is worse.
 

11 hours ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

and suffer from Pure-O, borderline personality disorder and on-and-off depression.

One more small point, I recommend avoiding terms like "Pure-O".  While many people try to sub-classify OCD, the reality is its all basically the same thing.  You have an obsessive thought, you react using compulsions, it interferes with your life, aka a disorder.  OCD.  People with "Pure-O" don't really exist, because all suffers have compulsions.  You might not physically count objects, or wash your hands ten times in a row or whatever, but the compulsions are still there and you need to confront them the same as people with physical, noticeable ones.  OCD is OCD.  Try not to get caught up in the various categories and focus on what you can do to improve.  Anyway I hope that helps.

Now get out there and shoot some post-apocalyptic monsters  

[fightoffyourdemons]

17 hours ago, AmandaG said:

I hope writing that out has been helpful to you 

I'm sorry to hear that these experiences, or perception of these experiences, has soured things you enjoyed very much, and I'm not sure what to suggest. All I can think to say is that people in high profile positions get all kinds of messages, all the time, they prioritise very few of them, and likely forget a lot, so something that stands out like an unpleasant landmark to you might be completely forgotten now, and probably wasn't as significant to them at the time as you might think.

I speak from some experience, because I worked at a local newspaper, so my name and face were known by thousands of people. I spoke to and wrote about a lot of people, meeting new people all day every day, and rarely dwelt on anything or anyone in particular, because I needed my full attention on what I was doing and what I needed to do next.

Do you have any other interests you could become absorbed in without them being tainted by negative feelings? Even other music, or other games?

 

Hi there, apologies for the delay, thank you for your reply. Yes, writing it out was therapeutic in a way. Thanks also for your words, they are appreciated. Hopefully any interactions I did have haven't tarnished it too much. I do have other interests, but I know my OCD will self-sabotage them too, and there are always main things I come back to. My favourite band of all time (who I know I reached out to obsessively) and my favourite game of all time (which I can't remember if I reached out to or not), which I would like as my rock and miss.

[fightoffyourdemons]

6 hours ago, dksea said:

Sorry to hear you are struggling with all this @fightoffyourdemons, I hope writing some of it out helps you process it a bit, I know that doing so can help me with my OCD struggles.

So a number of years back I experienced a major OCD incident that directly affected something I enjoyed.  I was watching an episode of one of my favorite TV series (Doctor Who) and experienced a very disturbing intrusive thought.  It actually had absolutely nothing to do with the show itself, I don't know why it popped in to my head when it did, but it didn't matter.  I spiraled downward pretty quickly and for quite some time struggled to deal with my OCD.  The details of the thought and my recovery aren't particularly important, what is relevant to your situation is that after that I found it very difficult to watch Doctor Who, ESPECIALLY the particular episode I was watching at the time.  I felt like it had been ruined, I didn't want to watch it because it was connected to my fear and I never wanted to deal with that fear again.  Eventually however, I got to the point in my recovery where I needed to confront this situation.  I had to make a choice.  I could either let this thing I had loved be ruined forever OR I could take on the challenge of fixing things.  So I made myself start watching the show again.  At first it was hard, I didn't particularly enjoy it.  It made me feel anxiety and was unpleasant.  However, I knew that if I kept at it, if I kept watching the show and avoiding my compulsions and negative behaviors, the link would be broken.  And it was.  Eventually I watched the specific episode that I'd been watching when my OCD flared up.  And I watched it again, and again.  Each time it got easier.  Each time it became less associated with that bad incident.  Now I can watch it without.a problem.  I broke the connection between my anxiety and the thing I loved.  

The reality is you CAN get the enjoyment back.  You haven't lost it forever UNLESS you allow it to remain lost. No, you won't enjoy it at first, but you don't have to.  At first the only thing you need to do is experience it (be it music or video games) and NOT given in to the compulsions and obsession as best as you can.  Keep doing that over and over, keep listening to the album or playing the game, and you'll break free from the limitations OCD is trying to place on you.  You'll be able to enjoy the things again because you will no longer associate them with the OCD problem.  You have to fake it til you make it.

Fortunately for you (and all OCD sufferers) the mind is a very adaptable tool, we can change how we think and act, if are willing to put in the work.  Its not fun, especially at first, but the alternative is worse.
 

One more small point, I recommend avoiding terms like "Pure-O".  While many people try to sub-classify OCD, the reality is its all basically the same thing.  You have an obsessive thought, you react using compulsions, it interferes with your life, aka a disorder.  OCD.  People with "Pure-O" don't really exist, because all suffers have compulsions.  You might not physically count objects, or wash your hands ten times in a row or whatever, but the compulsions are still there and you need to confront them the same as people with physical, noticeable ones.  OCD is OCD.  Try not to get caught up in the various categories and focus on what you can do to improve.  Anyway I hope that helps.

Now get out there and shoot some post-apocalyptic monsters  

Thank you very much for your long and kind reply, it's appreciated (and for the FO reference!). Thank you for sharing your story too and I'm sorry to hear you went through that. It is reassuring to know that you can get things back. I appreciate that I'm possibly doing the classic OCD thing of picking holes in help from someone, but my main issue is around the fact that the people behind the music/game, may think less of me due to something I actually HAVE done - i.e. I reached out (or may have reached out) and that could have had an impact. The feelings you describe though seem very familiar, and is a reminder for me to go back to that way of thinking when I battle intrusive thoughts. I'm struggling here that this is an intrusive action almost!

 

Re. the pure-o, that's a very valid point too. Thank you.

[Cub]

Hi Demons

I've been in a similar place recently. I love fanfiction but due to religious scrupulosity, believe I can't read it anymore. I'd be happier to have a longer DM with you on the subject as I know how it feels for OCD to ruin these things.

Lots of love,

C x 

[dksea]

5 hours ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

I appreciate that I'm possibly doing the classic OCD thing of picking holes in help from someone

If you think it might be OCD it probably is

5 hours ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

but my main issue is around the fact that the people behind the music/game, may think less of me due to something I actually HAVE done - i.e. I reached out (or may have reached out) and that could have had an impact

The thing is, it doesn’t really matter. The only reason it SEEMS like it matters is because of the OCD. You could have offended the musician in the worst possible way and you could still enjoy the music, there is no inherent connection between these two things. OCD is just causing the thought that their MIGHT be a connection to remain stuck in your head. 

It seems like you can’t move on from the thought because when you try it keeps popping back up. Frustrating? Absolutely. But it doesn’t actually matter if you have the thought. What matters is if you pay attention to the thought. 
 

Think of it like this, imagine you are in school and there is a bully. Every day the bully tells you you are worthless, you are terrible, no one likes you, etc. Now if that happens it’s understandable to be upset. It’s a very unpleasant experience to go through. But just because the bully says those awful things doesn’t mean they are true. You could be a really great and talented person with lots of friends. You could pay attention to what the bully says, start believing what he says, and as a result you’ll feel awful. Not good. But what if you ignore what the bully is saying? It might still be annoying but odds are he’ll get bored and give up eventually.  You’ll be able to live your life and not be dragged down. 
OCD is very much like that. It’s bullying you by telling you certain things, over and over again. Unfortunately, because of how our brains tend to work, we start to buy in to those taunts. The SEEM important, it feels like we HAVE to listen. But the reality is, we don’t. 
As much as it feels like these thoughts matter, as if the details matter, they really don’t. You can’t win by playing OCD at its game. You have to choose to not respond like it makes you think you have to. It’s not easy at first but it works. The more you challenge the OCD, the easier it will get. So listen to that song, play that game. Maybe you can only do it for a short time at first. That’s ok. Small victories can lead to bigger ones down the line. Remind yourself that OCD is lying to you. You don’t have to do what it says. You don’t have to play it’s game. 

[fightoffyourdemons]

On 26/06/2020 at 17:24, Cub said:

Hi Demons

I've been in a similar place recently. I love fanfiction but due to religious scrupulosity, believe I can't read it anymore. I'd be happier to have a longer DM with you on the subject as I know how it feels for OCD to ruin these things.

Lots of love,

C x 

Thank you

[fightoffyourdemons]

On 26/06/2020 at 22:18, dksea said:

If you think it might be OCD it probably is

The thing is, it doesn’t really matter. The only reason it SEEMS like it matters is because of the OCD. You could have offended the musician in the worst possible way and you could still enjoy the music, there is no inherent connection between these two things. OCD is just causing the thought that their MIGHT be a connection to remain stuck in your head. 

It seems like you can’t move on from the thought because when you try it keeps popping back up. Frustrating? Absolutely. But it doesn’t actually matter if you have the thought. What matters is if you pay attention to the thought. 
 

Think of it like this, imagine you are in school and there is a bully. Every day the bully tells you you are worthless, you are terrible, no one likes you, etc. Now if that happens it’s understandable to be upset. It’s a very unpleasant experience to go through. But just because the bully says those awful things doesn’t mean they are true. You could be a really great and talented person with lots of friends. You could pay attention to what the bully says, start believing what he says, and as a result you’ll feel awful. Not good. But what if you ignore what the bully is saying? It might still be annoying but odds are he’ll get bored and give up eventually.  You’ll be able to live your life and not be dragged down. 
OCD is very much like that. It’s bullying you by telling you certain things, over and over again. Unfortunately, because of how our brains tend to work, we start to buy in to those taunts. The SEEM important, it feels like we HAVE to listen. But the reality is, we don’t. 
As much as it feels like these thoughts matter, as if the details matter, they really don’t. You can’t win by playing OCD at its game. You have to choose to not respond like it makes you think you have to. It’s not easy at first but it works. The more you challenge the OCD, the easier it will get. So listen to that song, play that game. Maybe you can only do it for a short time at first. That’s ok. Small victories can lead to bigger ones down the line. Remind yourself that OCD is lying to you. You don’t have to do what it says. You don’t have to play it’s game. 

Thank you again, very helpful. In terms of it not mattering (and I'm not being awkward here, just curious), what would your stance be on say, the following example:

What if someone who I hated (and hated me) had been the creator of the game or had written the song?

Would it still be the same? Are there levels of separating the art from the creator? At the moment I'm thinking it is tarnished because I am imagining that the people behind it think badly of it (although I know in reality they know nothing about me or if I'm even listening to it/playing at all!).

I did take the advice on board and started playing a new game of Fallout and am still playing now. It was hard at first, but feels like coming home slightly. I get so much comfort from the game, why shouldn't I play it? I have a lot of Fallout merch (even a subtle tattoo) and as my girlfriend said to me "I can't think of anyone who deserves to get joy from this MORE than you". I suppose I'm still battling the validation for playing the game, wanting to share it with others and then also not being 100% sure that I have never reached out to someone involved in the game, or that someone connected to the game has been hassled by me separately by my manic emails.

Much like this message ha...No pressure to reply.

[dksea]

On 30/06/2020 at 00:53, fightoffyourdemons said:

What if someone who I hated (and hated me) had been the creator of the game or had written the song?

Would it still be the same? Are there levels of separating the art from the creator? At the moment I'm thinking it is tarnished because I am imagining that the people behind it think badly of it (although I know in reality they know nothing about me or if I'm even listening to it/playing at all!).

The degree to which you are comfortable separating the art from the artist is a choice for you to make. There is no one right answer. Lots of factors can contribute such as the reason you dislike the artist/creator, the work itself and what is involved with making it, how you consume the art and any financial transactions involved, etc. 

However none of that is really a involved here because the issue isn’t the actual behavior of the artist, but your anxiety related to imaginary scenarios and a sense of things being “tainted”. Your issue is OCD.

If the reason you don’t consume a particular piece of art (be it music, video game, etc) is because it doesn’t interest you or you don’t find it enjoyable in some way, ok fine, no big deal. Not consuming it won’t have a negative impact.

On the other hand, if the reason you don’t consume it, despite wanting to, is due to anxiety and worry, then you are probably better off challenging that anxiety. Not consuming the media will probably not make your life better, it will only make the anxiety worse.  

 

[fightoffyourdemons]

Thank you :)