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My partner has committed suicide


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I don't know what to do, I have been so selfish, I have been distracted with my OCD so much I decided to tell him I wanted to be friends, within a few hours he had committed suicide. I struggle so much with guilt and just when I thought it couldn't get worse it does. He died because of me, now people are messaging me saying how much he adored me, he must have told his family we split up as they seem to know. I feel so sad thinking of him being alone, doing that, and I hate myself.

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@Runningaway  I am so so so sorry to hear that terrible news.  I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now.  However, its important to realize and remember that, whatever the circumstances, it was ultimately your partners choice to make.  It is not your fault that he made this tragic decision.  No person should ever be required to stay in a relationship with someone unless they want to, you had every right to break up with him, no matter what happened.  There's also no guarantee that staying with him would have ultimately prevented this.  Just as you were struggling with OCD, clearly he was struggling with his own demons, demons that may well have been beyond your abilities to help him with even if you are perfectly healthy.  Dealing with mental health issues is hard, all of us here know that.
Its completely understandable for you to be in pain right now.  I strongly encourage you to reach out to a counselor or therapist to help you deal with this situation.  I can't imagine its going to be easy, but there is help available and you deserve that help.  Again, so sorry for the tragic situation you have to deal with right now.

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I am so sorry Runningaway, I can't really add too much to what dksea and petal have already said, but we're all here for you.

Along with Cruse, this charity...

https://uksobs.org/we-can-help/suicide-bereavement/supporting-the-bereaved/supporting-friends-and-family/?doing_wp_cron=1593100399.1749401092529296875000

...might also be worth giving a ring when you feel ready. Please take good care of yourself.

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I also can't add to the great advice here but just wanted to say I'm so so sorry, this must be absolutely dreadful for you, I can't imagine how much pain you must be in.  BUT, as others have said, this is absolutely in no way your fault.  Your partner will have had painful issues to deal with but they were his issues and you are not obliged to stay in a situation which doesn't make you happy anymore.

Sending hugs xx

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Nothing to add beyond what our wonderful users have already said RA, but my thoughts are with you, and whatever his reasons, I am sure if he loved you he would not want you to feel guilt.  It's ok to be sad and upset but please don't let guilt build.

Are you getting any support at the moment through the NHS?  Even if not CBT for the OCD it might be helpful to try and get some help through your local IAPT so you have someone to talk to. If you do refer in and there are any issues with wait times please let me know and I can try and see if I can help expedite the wait time.

Stay strong.

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Thank you for the responses, I haven't slept or eaten I can barely function. He lived very far from me and I knew he was struggling with lockdown but I was to busy with my own issues to be fully interested in his. After a petty argument over whats app, which I started as I am a spoilt brat at times and like to push people away, he asked me if I was ending it and I said 'I will support you as a friend but I can't cope with feeling inferior to you and I can't be your support network. I am going to bed now I have had a long day sleep well.'  

His last words to me were throughout this ****** pandemic I have treated you like a princess but you have just made me feel like ****' and that is it, with those words he has left me. I am horrible and that's why I wanted to be friends as I knew he could gain more support elsewhere. 

Next thing I see on social media he passed. His family clearly know we split (he must of messaged them or something as the time window is very small) I am sure they blame me and probably rightly so. His friends who thought we were still together keep messaging saying they are thinking of me. I am sure they would change their tune if they knew.  His cousin reached out to me concerned I wouldn't have support. I want to pay my respects but I am not sure that would be appropriate. Especially if they read all our messages on his phone, I sound like a brat and he was being really nice. 

I tried to ring in the morning when I saw I had missed calls and tried to message him on every platform, I genuinely thought he was driving to see his mum or something. 

He must have been so very alone, in such a dark place. I am not sure how but I have visions of him hanging. I am so sad. 

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Darling, I am so, so sorry, but I promise you, this is not your fault. As someone who has been and who still is in a suicidal state of mind now, I'm telling you, it isn't you. It was not your doing. It's everything going on inside the other person's mind that does it, it's nothing on the outside. And it sounds like you were both struggling and from where I'm standing, giving the relationship a break was the best strategy - you could both support one another but also focus on yourselves. I'm so sorry that this happened, but please do not blame yourself. 

C x

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2 hours ago, Cub said:

Darling, I am so, so sorry, but I promise you, this is not your fault. As someone who has been and who still is in a suicidal state of mind now, I'm telling you, it isn't you. It was not your doing. It's everything going on inside the other person's mind that does it, it's nothing on the outside. And it sounds like you were both struggling and from where I'm standing, giving the relationship a break was the best strategy - you could both support one another but also focus on yourselves. I'm so sorry that this happened, but please do not blame yourself. 

C x

Oh C please stay safe please please.

I'm so sorry for you. I wish I'd noticed his struggles. The guilt won't leave. I'm certain it will remain forever.

 

Please stay safe. If you need to talk please message x

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7 hours ago, Ashley said:

Nothing to add beyond what our wonderful users have already said RA, but my thoughts are with you, and whatever his reasons, I am sure if he loved you he would not want you to feel guilt.  It's ok to be sad and upset but please don't let guilt build.

Are you getting any support at the moment through the NHS?  Even if not CBT for the OCD it might be helpful to try and get some help through your local IAPT so you have someone to talk to. If you do refer in and there are any issues with wait times please let me know and I can try and see if I can help expedite the wait time.

Stay strong.

I'm looking into private treatment. I spoke to my nurse today she has given me something for sleep as I've not eaten or slept. X

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18 minutes ago, Petal said:

You’ve nothing to feel guilty for I promise, not trying to reassure as that will fuel ocd however that is the truth! 
So there isn’t a need for guilt but and there is the grief naturally. Have you tried to access support for these powerful feelings? And what you Have gone through 

I've spoken to the Samaritans but I just feel so bad. I feel bad about my thoughts and feelings as it is and always feel not good enough, but now I've really taken someone away when I just was angry with him at the time and wanted to be friends. I just want to end it. I can't eat or sleep

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Darling, I absolutely understand but you were not to blame for his actions; he was responsible ultimately for himself. It's not you, or anyone else. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. This isn't your fault; it was his decision. 

C x

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Thanks for replying it gives me some comfort. At the moment I feel out of control. Why was I so wound up by him that night, why wouldn't he accept us being friends, how could he say he loved me then leave me with this massive burden 

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14 hours ago, Petal said:

Wound up - because you are human and your needs weren’t being met.

As for him Not accepting friends - I can’t answer that as only he knew why,  You need to work on accepting the uncertainty that you will never know why - It’s not necessary for you to know either Even if you could what good would it do.  As hard as it is try To remain with the truth that you are not to blame.

In terms of loving and leaving you with the burden - this is a common question for Those left behind.

My main point in this response is it is natural to have sooo many questions as a result of what has happened. Unfortunately they cannot be answered as the person responsible for this tragedy is no longer here sadly. However the more questions you ask yourself the more you ruminate And the more distress you feel.

Get some professional help to deal with the uncertainty surrounding his death and Learn to accept there will be a lot of questions that will remain unanswered. 
Also you are not alone with this So perhaps reinforce this for yourself by joining a suppprt group ?

 

He was the better person always trying with me and I just pushed him away

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