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I don't know what this is...


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Hi guys, 

I promised myself I would try and reduce the amount of times I post on here but something (terrible) came up yesterday.

Before I start, I would like to say that I feel really disgusted with what I'm about to share, and I apologise beforehand if my words will hurt anyone, I really don't mean it.  

I don't know if this is OCD but here goes:
For the last few days I have felt ignored by my boyfriend (I'm sure he didn't ignore me but that's how it felt like to me). It made me feel down and weird. I know he loves me but the feelings (of being ignored) were real and quite overwhelming. That's when I started to get thoughts of wanting to punish him for ignoring him. (I know, I have no limits!)

However, I did not stop there; the thoughts were not the only thing I experienced. I also got the troubling and worrying feeling of actually WANTING to carry out the action (of punishment). In addition, the feeling almost came like a desire. It felt, and still feels, like it would feel/be nice/satisfying to hurt my boyfriend. To make everything worse, the thoughts and feelings didn't, and still don't, seem intrusive at all. 

I feel absolutely terrible. I saw him today at work (we work at the same place) and he was really sweet and nice to me. And all I wanted was to scream because I felt like an imposter. This is probably even worse than my POCD. I don't know why I'm like this. 

I feel like he needs to know this so he is fully aware of who he is dating. But I would never be able to share this with him. Ahh, I just want to cry but I can't. I'm living a lie and I don't know if there's a way out.

There's something more.

We have an age gap relationship (not significant but it still counts). Sometimes I get thoughts (again, not intrusive) that I would like to be with someone my age. I get thoughts that I miss being single so I could explore more (I know, it sounds stupid but I'm tired and I don't know how to put in other words.) I don't even know how I feel about him. I do think, however, that he is an incredible human being, the he deserves the best in this world, and that he is absolutely amazing.

Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about having relationships with other people. I force myself not to think about them but it feels like I want to. To me this is cheating. 

I'm so sorry. I don't want to loose him. I want to love him. I want him to be the only man I can think about. The only man that I adore. 

I don't want to break up with him, especially for this reason, but I also don't know how to carry on having these thoughts. And it would break his heart if I broke up with him. I know it would. 

I'm sorry. 

I know this is long, and probably pathetic as well, but I just don't know what to do with all this. 

I'm sorry again. And thank you if you've read all this. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you! 

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Yes, but what if they are not intrusive?! 

If they are not intrusive, it means this is who I actually am deep down. For the past couple of months all these thoughts have been less and less intrusive. I can't ignore that. 

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The fact you are looking for reassurance that you are not your worst nightmare indicates to me that you feel guilt over the thoughts, part of an OCD compulsion. As Polar Bear stated, these are intrusive thoughts, and if left alone to pass without judgment or attachment, your anxious feelings will subside and the 'normal' you will come out the other side. 

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Thank you, @Imhotep

I do want to let the thoughts go but because they don't feel intrusive, I just can't seem to do it. I get it, when the thoughts are not wanted, it's not my fault; but in this case it's all my fault, it's all me. There must be some truth behind this, otherwise it wouldn't feel this damn real. 

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Okay, I understand. I'm sorry, you are right @Doubt_It, I was looking for reassurance, and I probably still am. It's so hard for me not to do so. I'm at work and all I want is to cry. It's like something hit me and I realised I've been cheating on my boyfriend for having all these thoughts. In addition, I've found other men attractive for the whole time I've been dating him. And it never stops. I can always look at other men, find them attractive, and seek for their attention. I'm so messed up. 

I just want to cry but I can't because I have to do my jobs. I don't know how I'll mange with all this, especially with the guilt...

Thank you, and I'm sorry for being like this. 

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I've just confessed to my boyfriend a few bits. Waiting for his reply. It's terrifying. 

I've been in a huge turmoil for the past few hours. I had to confess certain things. 

Now I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore. I need to grow up. I really do! But breaking up with my boyfriend would break his heart. I'm not saying I'm someone special or nice, as you can already tell, but he is an incredibly caring and amazing person that loves me.

He doesn't deserve all this. 

Ah, I just want to hide under my bed covers and cry. But I just can't. 

Edited by Cora
Grammar mistake
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I know that confessing is a compulsion but it hurts so much, as pathetic as it sounds. I had to tell him. But I didn't tell him everything. And this hurts even more. 

And now I can't stop crying because he's not replying back, and besides this I've just had dad yell at me for not wanting to discuss the reason for me feeling like this. 

I'm sorry for venting and being all this unworthy mess but I have no one to talk to. Thank you for your support! 

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Thank you! 

He does not confess any thoughts he has. But the thing is, I'm pretty sure that he loves and respects so much that he wouldn't think to hurt me in any way, or look at over women and think that he wants to be with them and not me. I don't know why I can't be a normal girlfriend. He deserves the best and he gets this... 

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8 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @Imhotep

I do want to let the thoughts go but because they don't feel intrusive, I just can't seem to do it. I get it, when the thoughts are not wanted, it's not my fault; but in this case it's all my fault, it's all me. There must be some truth behind this, otherwise it wouldn't feel this damn real. 

If I only had $1 for every time someone said it can't be OCD because the thoughts are too real.

Of course they're real. If they felt fake you wouldn't have a disorder. None of us would.

Your intrusive thoughts come from the same place as all your other thoughts, your mind. They will seem real and will seem even more so if you constantly ruminate and do other compulsions around them.

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Hi Cora,

I think there are several things here that you need to become aware of. Firstly, the thoughts you are having about your boyfriend are completely normal, but your reaction to them is very classic OCD. Secondly, the content of your thoughts doesn't really matter and you should not and cannot police or contain all your thoughts. 

So you have thoughts about punishing your boyfriend when you're angry, you have doubts about whether you want to be in a relationship and you sometimes have thoughts about other men. I can guarantee you that most people who are in a relationship have these thoughts. I've been with my partner for almost 7 years now and I still have occasional doubts and think about other men. I know that my partner has these kinds of thoughts too. Friends of mine also have these thoughts and talk openly about them. Nobody really cares because having thoughts or fantasies or doubts isn't a crime, it's what you do that counts. You may disregard this, but if you want to overcome OCD and be happy, this is really a very crucial point. People with OCD tend to feel guilty about their thoughts and try to suppress thoughts that seem bad to them. The outcome is always bad, they end up obsessing about the thoughts, having them even more and getting trapped in a cycle of anxiety. The sooner you can realise this, the better it's be for you - thoughts are random and meaningless and there is absolutely no reason to dwell on bad thoughts.

Also you say that you worry that having these thoughts means you're a bad person deep down. I hear people say this a lot but I don't get it, it's never black and white where we go through our lives thinking we are one way and then the nature of our thoughts reveals that our subconscious is something else entirely. That is completely illogical, deep down we are all just shades of grey, we are all good and bad, we have done good things and made mistakes. You need to accept this about yourself and everyone else too, you can't aim to be perfect. 

And finally, just a piece of general non-OCD relationship advice. You shouldn't put yourself down for not being the perfect girlfriend. Your boyfriend sounds like a really good person and great boyfriend but, at the end of the day, he is human too and probably understands that you are struggling. You can't allow yourself to think that you're not good enough for putting him through stress or that he deserves better. There may come a time in your relationship where he will also struggle with something and you will be there for him, it all goes back and forth. He loves you, you obviously make him happy so don't guilt trip yourself for having a hard time, it'll just make you feel worse. 

I hope things work out and you feel better soon!

Edited by malina
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47 minutes ago, Doubt_It said:

@malina, you talk so much sense you should get your own talk show!!!! This is so relatable to my own thoughts at the minute

????? Thank you, that's really nice of you to say and made me laugh! 

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12 hours ago, malina said:

Hi Cora,

I think there are several things here that you need to become aware of. Firstly, the thoughts you are having about your boyfriend are completely normal, but your reaction to them is very classic OCD. Secondly, the content of your thoughts doesn't really matter and you should not and cannot police or contain all your thoughts. 

So you have thoughts about punishing your boyfriend when you're angry, you have doubts about whether you want to be in a relationship and you sometimes have thoughts about other men. I can guarantee you that most people who are in a relationship have these thoughts. I've been with my partner for almost 7 years now and I still have occasional doubts and think about other men. I know that my partner has these kinds of thoughts too. Friends of mine also have these thoughts and talk openly about them. Nobody really cares because having thoughts or fantasies or doubts isn't a crime, it's what you do that counts. You may disregard this, but if you want to overcome OCD and be happy, this is really a very crucial point. People with OCD tend to feel guilty about their thoughts and try to suppress thoughts that seem bad to them. The outcome is always bad, they end up obsessing about the thoughts, having them even more and getting trapped in a cycle of anxiety. The sooner you can realise this, the better it's be for you - thoughts are random and meaningless and there is absolutely no reason to dwell on bad thoughts.

Also you say that you worry that having these thoughts means you're a bad person deep down. I hear people say this a lot but I don't get it, it's never black and white where we go through our lives thinking we are one way and then the nature of our thoughts reveals that our subconscious is something else entirely. That is completely illogical, deep down we are all just shades of grey, we are all good and bad, we have done good things and made mistakes. You need to accept this about yourself and everyone else too, you can't aim to be perfect. 

And finally, just a piece of general non-OCD relationship advice. You shouldn't put yourself down for not being the perfect girlfriend. Your boyfriend sounds like a really good person and great boyfriend but, at the end of the day, he is human too and probably understands that you are struggling. You can't allow yourself to think that you're not good enough for putting him through stress or that he deserves better. There may come a time in your relationship where he will also struggle with something and you will be there for him, it all goes back and forth. He loves you, you obviously make him happy so don't guilt trip yourself for having a hard time, it'll just make you feel worse. 

I hope things work out and you feel better soon!

Thank you so, so much for this, @malina. Everything you said makes perfect sense to me. I've calmed down now, talked to my boyfriend and things have been a bit easier today. 

Thank you again. You have no idea how much I appreciate and how thankful I am for your amazing advice! 

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21 hours ago, PolarBear said:

If I only had $1 for every time someone said it can't be OCD because the thoughts are too real.

Of course they're real. If they felt fake you wouldn't have a disorder. None of us would.

Your intrusive thoughts come from the same place as all your other thoughts, your mind. They will seem real and will seem even more so if you constantly ruminate and do other compulsions around them.

Thank you, @PolarBear. I completely understand what you are saying. I understand that all thoughts, intrusive and/or non-intrusive come from the same place, that makes perfect sense. But what I mean by saying that the intrusive ones are very real is that they come with no anxiety, seem normal, and sometimes come as urges, that almost feels like desires, and send me feelings that I want to act on them. And they also feel weird compared to my normal, non-scary thoughts. 

Anyway, I don't think I'm making much sense. It's hard to put it in words when things are more than just thoughts. 

Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it!

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Time to go back to the definition of an obsession:

An obsession is an intrusive thought, image, urge, impulse, feeling or physical sensation or combination thereof thst causes distress.

The distress can be anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, etc.

Now can you see that what you have described is nothing more than an obsession?

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11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Time to go back to the definition of an obsession:

An obsession is an intrusive thought, image, urge, impulse, feeling or physical sensation or combination thereof thst causes distress.

The distress can be anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, etc.

Now can you see that what you have described is nothing more than an obsession?

Thank you for the clarification, @PolarBear

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