Jump to content

OCD and sexual obsessions


Recommended Posts

Hi I’m 17 years old and really struggling. I think lockdown has given me too much free time to overthink and I have got progressively worse. I have had talk therapy over the phone and they said they believed I had ocd but it was not with an ocd therapist and I did not go into detail with my symptoms. They have referred me to a specialist but said it could take months. The therapy has not helped as it was mostly talking about why I am experiencing intrusive thoughts and what trauma in the past may have triggered them etc. My ocd theme is mostly around my sexuality. I never was bothered by it before or gave much thought at all. I haven’t really had crushes on anyone before but do want a boyfriend one day and figured I’d one day meet the right person. I honestly can’t remember exactly what triggered the obsession but I first worried I’d become a lesbian/discover I was one. I’m not sure why this worried me in the way it did because I fully support the lgbt community and see nothing wrong with it but I personally did not want to be with a girl. I then began checking with photos of men and women. I began experiencing groinal responses. Then I became worried I may have been attracted to woman and not known it so searched up all of my favourite female tv characters I have ever had and tried to decipher if I was attracted to them. I mostly decided I wasn’t (I couldn’t be 100% sure) which made me feel a bit better. Sometimes I would recheck when I was feeling a bit better and no longer experienced anxiety and could be much more sure I wasn’t attracted. I have never watched porn and do not want to but my thoughts tell me that I won’t watch lesbian porn to check because I know I will be aroused to it. Social media would trigger me majorly and I can’t even look at a pretty woman anymore without intense anxiety and fearing I am attracted. Before when I used to check I just got kind of tingly pins and needles type groinal responses but now it is undoubtably arousal. It feels exactly the same as when I experience real arousal except it comes as a sudden wave (If that makes sense) and my heart beats even faster from anxiety. I pray it is the intense anxiety which is making me aroused and that when I am no longer scared I will no longer experience it. Everytime I see a pretty woman I experience arousal to the point where it feels physically painful. I now experience arousal to breasts which I can say with certainty I never experienced before this started. I don’t understand how I can go from not being aroused to these things at all before to intense arousal. I have read many things about experiencing the thoughts and doing nothing but I need advice on how to do this. I struggle most with the automatic response to seeing woman. They happen without me even checking. I cannot ignore these intense physical symptoms. Regardless of my true sexuality I think I have ocd but what if I am only doing the checking etc. to convince myself I have ocd so there is a chance I am not what I fear. I would do anything to go back to how I was 4 months ago before this started. I have experienced intrusive thoughts previously but they have not stuck like this. 

Link to comment

Hey Exhausted,

I know it's difficult to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not you are attracted to women, but I wholeheartedly believe what you are describing is a form of OCD and not genuine questioning of your sexuality. The checking, like any other compulsion, will make you feel better in the very short term, and then the anxiety will come back. I know it is difficult to sit with the doubt from your OCD, but reducing the checking and not engaging the thought or the fear will do you much more good then checking over and over again.

Link to comment

I just can’t cope with being triggered all the time. It’s literally  every time I look at a woman (especially if they’re pretty). I cannot avoid it. I no longer enjoy the things I used to, I can’t watch tv or even read a book as if there’s a woman in it that’s enough to worry me. How do people cope like this?!

Link to comment

Thank you, it is comforting to know that you are not the only one as it is something that’s incredibly difficult for others to understand. I do try to ignore the thoughts and I think I would be able to if it wasn’t for my physical reactions to them. I can ignore thoughts a lot easier than I can ignore feelings. I never has these reactions before the obsession began but now I am terrified I have conditioned them to happen and that even if I get better and the anxiety leaves they will remain.

Link to comment

I’m sorry for posting again I’m just struggling. Every time I decide I’ll just ignore the thoughts or try not to analyse the them I get hit with a new angle. Is this normal? I’ll finally be over one image or situation I obsessed over and then I’ll think but what about if you were attracted to that girl you looked up to when you were younger and just didn’t know it and then I’ll rationalise that and think it was stupid to worry about it then get hit with the fact that I liked watching lesbian couples on tv just as much as I liked watching heterosexual ones and that this must mean something. Even writing it out I know how stupid they sound but they cause me so much anxiety and feel so threatening and real. My doctor has put me on some medication to reduce anxiety but I was wondering do they lessen the thoughts too?

Link to comment

There is no medication that can change a person’s thoughts or actions just mute anxiety.  Meds take 8 to 12 weeks to see effects & your anxiety rises until that time usually.  It’s like way easier to just exercise as much as you can as it makes feel good stuff like serotonin & puts you in the present so your thoughts get better.

Link to comment
22 hours ago, Exhausted23 said:

My doctor has put me on some medication to reduce anxiety but I was wondering do they lessen the thoughts too?

Hi Exhausted23, 

Can you tell us what medication your doctor has prescribed?

I take a medication that kind of alters the thought process ever so slightly, which I have found helpful, but I dont think you'll find one that lessens the thoughts. I like to think of it as OCD being a cycle, & the medication broke this cycle. 

Link to comment
On 06/07/2020 at 10:54, Exhausted23 said:

Yes, I have been prescribed fluoxetine 20mg. Even if they reduce the anxiety the thoughts cause a bit it will be such a relief.  

I was so apprehensive of medication! But now I've been on Paxil 40mg for a couple years, moved up to 50 a couple months ago. Definitely not a magic pill, you'll still have to do the work as I'm sure you expect, but wow did it ever help me. I have a life again. It brings you to a place where your anxiety isn't so debilitating and it's easier to see the thoughts for what they are - junk that deserves none of your time and attention! And once you get better at the skills, you can likely start to wean off. I moved up my dosage recently I think partly due to the pandemic and the strangeness of life, and definitely because I have a new amazing partner and when things are good in my life my OCD can spike. I plan to go back down to 40mg soon, and hopefully next year move down further. But no rush, everyone is different :) best wishes on your medication journey, I got so lucky that Paxil was really the first trial and it worked. I did have side effects for awhile but they went away. Hope it goes smoothly for you!

Link to comment

Thank you, hopefully the medication will work as well for me as it has for you. I haven’t experienced any side effects yet but I don’t feel like I’ve been on them long enough yet to see too much of an effect.

Link to comment

Hi there, I completely understand what you're going through. I have sexual orientation OCD as well and have had it for years. It's much better than it was in the past; in the past it completely took over my life. Being on medication and getting therapy has really helped. It hasn't taken it away, but it's more manageable. I get the groinal responses as well and testing to see whether I'm attracted to women or not. I wish that I could take my own advise but if you're trying to check whether or not you're attracted to someone, it means that you're not. When you fancy someone you know it and don't have to question it. It's normal to find people of the same sex attractive, but not fancy them. For example I think that cats are beautiful, but I don't fancy cats even if I am a crazy cat lady :D

Don't pay too much attention to groinal responses; they don't mean anything and are usually stimulated by anxiety or sometimes for no reason at all. People can get "aroused" (I say that in inverted commas because it's not real sexual arousal) from just about anything. 

As for not having crushes, I don't really have that many either. It's normal. I find crushes a bit pointless as a "crush" is mostly someone who is unattainable and who you don't stand a chance with. I don't stand a chance with Chris Hemsworth :D! Most of the time is spent worrying over how to get your crush (if it's not a celebrity) to notice you and the other half crying when they don't! I feel I'm too old for all that. 

It's completely normal for people with sexual orientation OCD to be accepting of the LGBT community; I am too. We just don't want to be gay for ourselves just as gay people don't want to be straight. It's to do with core identity. A therapist once told me that OCD attacks things that are important to you and important to your identity and in this case it's our sexuality, just like for example cleanliness and order is important to people with OCD about germs and disorder. 

I hope you get the therapy soon. Maybe see a GP about taking medication. Some anti-depressants work really well against OCD.

Link to comment

Doubt_it, whatever obsessions you are dealing with right now, they always seem worse than previous ones.

What you are doing is searching for certainty. And that's the problem. OCD will not let you be certain. It will always throw curve balls at you and get you ruminating again.

So leave it alone. Carry on with your life. When the thoughts pop up think, eh whatever, and keep living. Don't give them the time of day.

Link to comment

I’m sorry I’m not really in a position to know how to help or give advice to others but I can say that I definitely know of people who are bisexual that have obsessions related to their sexual orientation- whether they worry they are actually straight or gay.

Link to comment
9 minutes ago, Doubt_It said:

Ive never seen or read about anyone bi having OCD so I’ve got no point of reflection

Hi Doubt it,

A person's sexuality has zilch to do with whether they have OCD or not. Whether you're straight, gay, bi, or uncertain what your sexuality is has no impact on you having OCD. 

The topic OCD thoughts are about is always something where the consequences threaten your happiness or something you value.

Sexuality in itself isn't the issue, it's how you personally interpret the thoughts you're having about your sexuality. Because that interpretation makes you anxious you then engage in compulsions like ruminating or checking which fuels the OCD cycle of interpreting thoughts as meaning something and doing compulsions to try to ease the anxiety that causes. 

Begin by accepting they are just thoughts with no meaning, and try not to give in to the compulsions.  

 

 

Link to comment

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop mentally testing and checking? I’m really struggling with groinal responses but if I see anything which relates to my obsession I cannot help but check my response to it. Should I just try to avoid these things altogether or is this another compulsion? Is it best to instantly try to distract myself and think of something else? It has got to the point where the checking rally even gives me reassurance any more but for some reason I still cannot stop myself from doing it. Often it only makes me feel more anxious or upset.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Doubt_It said:

Hi guys, sorry to jump in on someone else’s chain, but I need to ask/talk about this. 
 

I’m a bisexual guy. Have known since I was in my teens, have mainly been with girls but have also experimented with a couple of guys in my twenties. I’ve always been quite comfortable with my sexuality, though I haven’t exactly shouted from the rooftops about it. I’m now married (to a woman who I love and adore!) with 2 gorgeous girls. Great job, gorgeous house, should be over the moon. Been very happily married and every part of me wants to continue being so.

 

Ive had every theme of OCD going. Started with cleanliness and symmetry, then confessions, all the “pure Os” and, most recently, relationship OCD. But the latest is the worst, it triggered when Philip Schofield came out(!). Said he was in the closet for 25+ years then destroyed his marriage and devastated his wife. I’m terrified I’m going to do the same. It’s making me feel sick, headaches, chest pains. Doing all the usual compulsions, mainly ruminating, comparing, remembering every good time we’ve had, checking attraction to others, posting on here, testing myself during sex...

Ive tried all the standard CBT techniques, but I can’t dismiss this theme as easy as the others, most people with HOCD know deep down they aren’t attracted to the same sex, but I am. I’m not in denial, but I I’m terrified about if I’m actually attracted to women and not just gay and in denial. So how can I know this is OCD and not just me in hiding?!? 
 

Ive never seen or read about anyone bi having OCD so I’ve got no point of reflection. Any help would be amazing as this is killing me. I’m waiting for an IAPT referral but just feel so guilty that I’m wasting their time as I’m just lying to myself. But then I feel so terrified and start catastrophising that I’ll destroy my family, end up being hated, have to move out of our family home. I don’t want ANY of that. Before all this everything was amazing, we’d just moved into a dream house, been on an amazing holiday, not a worry in the world.

 

Sorry for the ramble...

I don't want to give you reassurance, but the fact that you love and want to be with your wife says that she's extremely important to you and OCD preys on things that are the most important to us. I'm a woman with OCD about being lesbian or bi (I don't like the idea of liking women at all), so I really understand what you're going through. Anyone with any sexual orientation can experience sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD) whether gay, bi, straight, asexual, pansexual, transgender etc. I've seen a few cases of gay people who are worried that they're straight or bi. OCD targets the things that are most important to us (in your case your wife and family).

The worst thing is to compare yourself to others. Again not wanting to give you too much reassurance; unless you live in an extremely conservative country where LGBT people are no accepted; being LGBT really isn't an issue. I don't think anyone really cared that Philip Schofield came out. You can't really compare yourself. You don't know what really goes on or went on in his life; his wife could have known that he was gay; it could have been a marriage of convenience or they had a special arrangement. The media doesn't tell you the whole story. 

I know how much these kind of stories can create a huge spike. Recently a good friend of mine said that she's all of a sudden become attracted to women and is in love with a female friend of hers. She said she was always straight and never into women before (she's almost 30). At first I felt really anxious and thought, oh God what if I suddenly become attracted to women? Then I thought, I'm not going to compare myself. My friend is different to me. For her it doesn't matter whether she's with a man or with a woman; but for me it matters. Everyone values different things. She gets excited and happy about the prospect of dating and experimenting with women; I don't. 

However the best thing is not allow yourself to engage with these thoughts as they will take over your life if you allow them to. Lockdown is the apt environment for OCD to brew, especially as we have more time on our hands and when you're not occupied, these thoughts tend to creep in. Keep your mind occupied with other things. If you have the OCD thoughts, don't engage with them. Engaging with OCD is like engaging with a stupid person; you go round and round in circles and end up getting more frustrated and getting no answers. I hope this helps!

Link to comment

Hi @Exhausted23, @Doubt_It and @lonelygirl91 

I’ve been reading this thread and whilst I don’t have any advice per se (as I’ve only just come to realise in recent weeks that I think I have sexuality and relationship OCD and am still very much learning about it all) I wanted to just say I hope you are all okay. I recognise so much of what you all said in myself so I understand how hard it is and can only say you are not alone.

Exhausted23 - I’ve struggled with groinal reactions, including recently with a close friend which was frightening and so out of the blue. I don’t know how useful it is, but I’ve often felt reassured by remembering all the times that I’ve been out and about in town, and therefore distracted, and I haven’t even noticed/ruminated over women in that way. Not sure if it will help you, but it has helped me, though I know ultimately it all boils down to we just have to let the thoughts go... easier said than done I know, but small steps is what I keep telling myself.

@Doubt_It - oh my goodness, I hear you with Schofe. Massively triggered me - cue crying in the street in my boyfriend’s arms level of triggered. Again, I don’t know if it helps and everything I say here is with that preface above of ultimately we just have to let the thoughts go (and reading that advice on the forum has been helpful) but I had a chat with my boyfriend and he said suggested breaking it down into two issues - a) whether I could be gay and b) whether I want to be with him. The answer to b is yes and when I am having trickier moments going back to his question about being with him has helped me in that moment to put the OCD thought to bed. I’m still trying to focus on just letting the thought go from the offset but in the more difficult moments making that compartmentalisation has helped me. You sound like you have a lovely wife who you love a whole lot so I can totally understand why something that causes you to doubt that is so distressing. As someone said to

me on here, if you didn’t love her so much then OCD wouldn’t have grabbed hold of this issue! 

Link to comment

@cashewnutsandraisinsThank you, it does help a bit. I keep reminding myself that before this obsession started I felt never noticed a thing and therefore hopefully one day the groinal responses will no longer bother me again. It is 100% comforting to know you’re not alone and that there are people who understand what you’re going through. I hope you feel better soon. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...