I thought I was gone for good

[Cora]

Hi guys, 

I'm so, so, so sorry for doing this again. I know I need to stop, and now that I am engaged with therapy I should be able to handle things in a better way. But things are pretty tough, and I'm not seeing my therapist until next Tuesday. She gave me some coping mechanisms when I find myself in moments like this, where I feel like the world has ended for me and there is no way out of this shame, guilt and pain, but they are not working because the thing I'm worried about is more than just thoughts. 

Anyway... 
I have talked to you about how I think I abused my brother multiple times. It happened when he would kiss and hug me (we are very close), and I would have a reaction in my body, physiologically similar to sexual sensations and feelings, as well as urges, strong urges; after I would have the sensation and urge, I would kiss him back as a result of that, and the kissing would be an impulse (I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I'm aware of how disturbing and disgusting this is).

Your advice helped me to try and move on from this, even though it seemed like I was not allowed to do so as I thought that I did an unforgivable action, and that I was no better than an abuser or a paedophile. I had a few good weeks where I didn't think about what I did, and felt a bit better about myself. However, last night I started watching The Sinner, first season, and something triggered me. From last night, I'm back at thinking that I'm a monster, a deviant and a child abuser that needs to be punished and deserves no good. I'm back at thinking that I hurt my brother on multiple occasions, and I should let the police or special authorities know. The pain is unbearable; I'm so sick with myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm convinced I abused him. Why wasn't I able to control myself?! Does this mean I can do things much, much worse than this?! 

I've talked about this with someone else today, and they thought it was a compulsion, trying to test how I was feeling towards my brother in that moment or if I wanted to hurt him. But no, it wasn't a compulsion, it was acting on an urge and impulse, it was abuse. I need help but not sure what type of help. 

I can't do this. Yesterday, I was finally motivated to study for my exams, as I wasn't able to focus or do any work at all during the last academic year, I was ready to change something in my life. Today, I'm nothing, I can't even think of doing something productive. I know it's not important, but I'm not gonna be able to pass my exams, which means that I will fail the second year at uni, which means I will have no future (not that I have one now to be honest...) and I will be the greatest failure in the eyes of everyone I know, especially my parents and boyfriend. 

I really don't know what I'm looking for from this post. But I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way. 

Thank you for reading this. 

[Cora]

Something to add... I've never met anyone with a similar story which shows how this is not OCD and I did something very, very terrible.
People with OCD do test themselves but they never act on their urges or impulses. I did however. I did... 

[UpsAndDowns]

Hi Cora,

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time!

First, think about what you wrote above about not being able to study today.  You wrote that it would lead to not passing your exams, which would lead to failure at school, which would lead to no future, and to disappointing the people you care about.  I have a very similar series of fears revolving around my work!  Lately I've had difficulty concentrating at work because of OCD.  It causes me to be less productive and I worry about losing my job and my income and eventually not having a place to live.  I also fear that I would be letting down my partner and my parents.  But even though I have those fears, I'm still productive most of the day (even if I'm not at my best) and it's possible to get through each day, though sometimes it's difficult and sometimes I end up working late.  Be kind to yourself.  It's a difficult day, so just try to get through what you can.  If it's only an hour of studying, so be it!

As for your fears regarding your brother:  Are you able to call your therapist for a brief chat?

Unfortunately none of us can confirm for you if your fear is real or not.  However, in all your thinking about it - in replaying it through your mind over and over - have you ever come to certainty one way or the other?  If not, then I think you should live with the uncertainty and try to move on to other things you'd like to do for today.  One of the struggles of those of us who suffer from OCD is that we're often not able to find an answer to our problem, no matter how much we think about it!

Hope you feel better soon!

 

 

[snowbear]

Cora,

You acuse yourself of being a child abuser and then get scared by the thought. What do you think the punishment for child abusers and pedophiles should be? Prison, death penalty, therapy and reform? 

Unless you're an extremist 'bring back the death penalty' kind of person you must be willing to give abusers/ monsters an opportunity to reform, right?

So instead of getting caught up in thoughts of 'OMG that's the worst thing I could be, OMG, OMG' and coming to a full stop, try thinking beyond that initial fear. What if you were an abuser? (I'm not saying you are, I'm asking you to stretch your mind and think beyond the OMG thoughts.) 

If you allow that therapy and reform is the way to go then isn't CBT and changing how you react to your OCD thoughts what you should be aiming for instead of getting stuck on all this self-accusation and beating yourself up? 

Try thinking beyond that first 'shock' reaction which you get stuck on every time.  Aim to get to a point where you can shrug and say, 'I might be a child abuser, I might not. Instead of worrying that I am one I'm going to accept there's life beyond being an abuser and redemption even for monsters and concentrate on getting my life back on track. '

Taking a different approach like this can help when you SO fear the consequences of the thoughts that your mind stops thinking beyond that first 'OMG' reaction.  

 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

Cora,

You acuse yourself of being a child abuser and then get scared by the thought. What do you think the punishment for child abusers and pedophiles should be? Prison, death penalty, therapy and reform? 

Unless you're an extremist 'bring back the death penalty' kind of person you must be willing to give abusers/ monsters an opportunity to reform, right?

So instead of getting caught up in thoughts of 'OMG that's the worst thing I could be, OMG, OMG' and coming to a full stop, try thinking beyond that initial fear. What if you were an abuser? (I'm not saying you are, I'm asking you to stretch your mind and think beyond the OMG thoughts.) 

If you allow that therapy and reform is the way to go then isn't CBT and changing how you react to your OCD thoughts what you should be aiming for instead of getting stuck on all this self-accusation and beating yourself up? 

Try thinking beyond that first 'shock' reaction which you get stuck on every time.  Aim to get to a point where you can shrug and say, 'I might be a child abuser, I might not. Instead of worrying that I am one I'm going to accept there's life beyond being an abuser and redemption even for monsters and concentrate on getting my life back on track. '

Taking a different approach like this can help when you SO fear the consequences of the thoughts that your mind stops thinking beyond that first 'OMG' reaction.  

 

Thank you, @snowbear. Everything you said in this reply makes perfect sense. However, my main problem is that I don't think I can move on knowing that I'm a child abuser, and right now I'm convinced that I am one. I don't think I can accept even the smallest chance for me to be this type of person. I don't know about the other abusers, but if I am one, I need to go to prison, I need to answer for my unacceptable actions. I don't know how to think beyond the 'shock', and I don't think I should be allowed to. I just don't know what to do. 

I'm sorry for being this confusing but I promise I'm trying my best. 

Thank you again! 

Edited July 1, 2020 by Cora
Grammar mistake

[Cora]

1 hour ago, UpsAndDowns said:

Hi Cora,

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time!

First, think about what you wrote above about not being able to study today.  You wrote that it would lead to not passing your exams, which would lead to failure at school, which would lead to no future, and to disappointing the people you care about.  I have a very similar series of fears revolving around my work!  Lately I've had difficulty concentrating at work because of OCD.  It causes me to be less productive and I worry about losing my job and my income and eventually not having a place to live.  I also fear that I would be letting down my partner and my parents.  But even though I have those fears, I'm still productive most of the day (even if I'm not at my best) and it's possible to get through each day, though sometimes it's difficult and sometimes I end up working late.  Be kind to yourself.  It's a difficult day, so just try to get through what you can.  If it's only an hour of studying, so be it!

As for your fears regarding your brother:  Are you able to call your therapist for a brief chat?

Unfortunately none of us can confirm for you if your fear is real or not.  However, in all your thinking about it - in replaying it through your mind over and over - have you ever come to certainty one way or the other?  If not, then I think you should live with the uncertainty and try to move on to other things you'd like to do for today.  One of the struggles of those of us who suffer from OCD is that we're often not able to find an answer to our problem, no matter how much we think about it!

Hope you feel better soon!

 

 

Thank you for your reply, @UpsAndDowns, I really appreciate it. 

I'm sorry you're struggling but I hope you can find the strength to get better. 

I did text my therapist an hour ago as I felt that my anxiety and guilt would make me explode. 

I'm struggling with uncertainty so bad. I just don't want to be a child abuser. I don't want to live knowing I've hurt my brother. I can't do it. 

I'm sorry for the depressing reply. But thank you again for your kind help.

[snowbear]

42 minutes ago, Cora said:

I don't think I can accept even the smallest chance for me to be this type of person. I don't know about the other abusers, but if I am one, I need to go to prison, I need to answer for my unacceptable actions. I don't know how to think beyond the 'shock', and I don't think I should be allowed to. I just don't know what to do. 

Ok. Let's try something else. 

Imagine you are the judge in a court and the person in front of you has just been convicted as a child abuser. Really try to imagine their face, the way they stand, what they're wearing - make it as real a person as you can. Done that? Ok. It's your job to sentence this person. What sentence would you give them? 

Now swap places. Put the person you sentenced in the judge's seat and yourself in the convicted person's place. What sentence do you hear being given to you?

I'm willing to bet you were judged more harshly than you judged the other person. Why? 

Almost everybody with OCD will either say it's because they don't deserve to be 'let off so lightly' or that they hold themselves to a higher moral standard than everybody else. Sadly that's just more of the same thinking that fuels OCD - trying to convince ourselves we're good people. You have to accept you're no better/ no more moral/ no worse/ not in need of greater punishment than anybody else. That's thinking in a more healthy way. 

When you can put yourself in either the judge's seat or the convicted person's shoes and feel compassion either way, then you'll be able to see that your present 'shock' response is you being unreasonable towards yourself. Despite how it feels it's really not the rational/moral response or 'doing the right thing' you believe it to be. 

If you cling to the idea that you shouldn't be allowed to think differently then you're sentencing yourself to going round in circles forever, never getting the answers you seek. The answer is simple - allow yourself to consider alternative ideas. At the moment you're making it an all or nothing choice between the two extremes and scaring yourself as you swing from one possibility to the other and back. Permit yourself to be neither perfect nor a monster but just somewhere in between like everybody else and the OCD pendulum will stop swinging. 

 

[Cora]

Thank you, @snowbear, for taking the time and effort to give me such great advice and explanation of how I should see my OCD problems, especially this one. Again, everything you're saying makes absolutely perfect sense. I do want to apply the technique you mentioned, I do want permit myself to be neither perfect nor a monster, but when I try to do so I'm filled with a lot of guilt and shame, and I guess that's only because what I did defines me as a terrible, terrible sister, daughter, and the most important one - human. 

I know I don't want to hurt my brother. I know that. I love him more than anything and I want to protect and take care him as long as it's possible; this was one of my main goals in life a few years ago. I know it's weird to say this, but because we've been so close sometimes it feels like he is my child and I need to make sure he is safe and happy. But I can't do it anymore because he is not safe with me anymore, thanks to my great urges that won't leave me in peace even for a single day, and, of course, thanks to me being a disgusting pervert who allowed herself to hurt him so many times.

Because it's hard for me to settle with uncertainty and acceptance, I keep going in circles trying to understand why I did what I did, and not just once. Was it actual desire or just anxiety? Why did I act in an impulsive way? Why did I do it? What does it mean? I just can't understand, and I guess I will never know for sure. But no matter what the answers for these questions are, I just can't change the fact that I impulsively kissed my brother after having thousands of sensations and an urge tow or three times, which is an unacceptable behavior. 

I guess, in the end, I just want to be told that what I did is not the end of the world. I'm looking for reassurance, I know. But I just don't deserve it. I really don't know how to carry on, I don't think I can have a normal life anymore, but to be honest I guess I deserve it, if I don't go to prison, at least I will have a miserable life. 

Anyway... I'm sorry for being such a broken record but I just can't help it. 
Once again, thank you for your help, snowbear, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! 

[malina]

Hey Cora,

I really really don't want to give you reassurance here because I think that is wrong but I will say that you are completely making a mountain out of a molehill and it's really hard to watch someone struggling so much over something so trivial. I'm sorry, I know none of this seems trivial to you but you have to try and see this from the perspective of an outsider who knows about OCD. 

So you had intrusive sexual thoughts about your brother and then hugged and kissed him and now you think you are a monster. The problem isn't that you hugged and kissed your brother, the problem is that you believe that hugging and kissing him when you have these thoughts is unacceptable. It is exactly this belief that keeps the thoughts alive. You are telling yourself "I have these thoughts/urges now, they are bad and I have to monitor my behaviour" which makes your brain see these thoughts as being important. Now, through your behaviour (monitoring yourself, ruminating etc) you have confirmed to your brain that these thoughts are important so your brain will keep them coming. What you need to do is to teach your brain that these thoughts are in fact not important at all. To do that you need to change your thinking from "I have these thoughts/urges now, they are bad and I have to monitor my behaviour" to "I have these thoughts/urges now, it's annoying but it doesn't matter, I'll go give my brother a big hug anyway". 

Also, you need to stop revisiting these moments and trying to figure them out. The reason is that you will never, ever be satisfied. You can come up with a logical explanation that maybe you were testing yourself and you'll feel better, then the next day the question will pop up again and you will ask "but was I really testing myself?" and then you'll continue going over the details and get yourself upset again. 

Look, none of this is going to come right away. I see your subject says "I thought I was gone for good", I take that to mean that you thought you wouldn't be returning with more questions about OCD (sorry if I misunderstood). You need to accept that you will keep returning, this is going to keep happening for a while, you will think you're better and it'll get hard again and then better again. Prepare yourself for this, it'll help you. Recovery is a long process I think you need to go through different ways of thinking about the problem before you really learn the right way. I remember when I was younger and started dealing with all of this, I went through a very frustrating process of thinking how I was going to beat the intrusive thoughts and each method would work for a short time and then they would come back and I felt like I was at rock bottom again, but now years later I see that all of this was necessary, like a trial and error process until you find the right way to handle it. And even when you find the right way of coping, your emotions will sometimes overwhelm you, but you just have to keep returning to your mechanism day by day and then you'll see results.

So, you had a bad day, it's a new day today and the sun is shining (sort of...), it's time to pick yourself up and start again. I think you should really focus on your studies, when I went through my really bad period I was at uni too and I found throwing my focus into work really helped. I get that it's hard to focus but you just have to start. Do you have to study for exams or is it essays/projects? 

Just don't worry about "failing" other people. You love your family and your boyfriend, but this is your education and something you are doing for your own future, not theirs. You're going through a very hard time and you are mostly dealing with it on your own and very admirably. You probably don't believe that but I think you're showing so much maturity and responsibility for yourself, getting help and trying to keep everything in your life together. This is one of the reasons why I really believe in you and think you will make it, your family should be proud of you! So just hang in there and try your best! 

[Cora]

@malina, thank you so, so much! You have no idea how much your words mean to me. Thank you! 

I don't even know what to say. Everything you wrote makes so much sense. I do want to get better but it's so hard. I just don't know how to cope with the guilt. I don't where to start from because there's always a voice in my mind saying that I'm guilty and people need to know so the right actions could be taken. 

Regarding my uni, I have no other choice than pass this year, if I fail, things will be really bad, that's what my parents told me. And I understand them. They've worked really hard to get here, especially that we're immigrants, and me failing my exams would cause them great pain as well as further questions about why it happened. But I will try my best to pass the exams, as I still have some time for revision. 

Thank you for your kind words, malina. It means the world to me, especially in these terrible moments. And thank you for believing in me and not finding me disgusting, even though I still think I did something terrible as the kiss was a result of sensations and urges. You have all my love and respect! 

[malina]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

I don't even know what to say. Everything you wrote makes so much sense. I do want to get better but it's so hard. I just don't know how to cope with the guilt. I don't where to start from because there's always a voice in my mind saying that I'm guilty and people need to know so the right actions could be taken. 

This is the really hard part and the reason you're in therapy. From my own experience, the beginning of recovery was learning about OCD itself. Not just about my own specific intrusive thoughts but about the thought patterns and behaviours that characterise this disorder. Looking through my own past it really shocks me how much of my behaviour was driven by OCD and how unaware I was, even many years after being diagnosed and getting therapy. Your therapist can help you with this and this forum is such a great tool as well because we do all think in similar ways and can help you pin point elements that we recognise from ourselves. The next thing is changing your behaviour and learned responses. I think this is really up to your therapist to guide you, but it's about doing things like resisting compulsions and doing exposure work. 

The problem is that there won't really come a time where you have a "lightbulb moment" and things just move forward from there. Recovery is more about engaging in all of these little steps, which may seem senseless sometimes or can be really frightening...but you take a leap of faith and keep going. Keep in mind that there is a lot of evidence that CBT and ERP therapies do work, there have been studies on this, it is published in journals and many people got better this way. It's not up to you to find a way alone, you have to treat this as another form of education where you gradually learn to cope. I realise that doesn't help right now because you're suffering and you just want to stop feeling like this. I think you have already started, you are learning and listening to what people are telling you. I think you just need to keep a cooler head and not panic, but be aware that the intrusive thoughts and your pain are part of a disorder, that sadly this is how it works and believe in yourself that you can get better. 

24 minutes ago, Cora said:

Regarding my uni, I have no other choice than pass this year, if I fail, things will be really bad, that's what my parents told me. And I understand them. They've worked really hard to get here, especially that we're immigrants, and me failing my exams would cause them great pain as well as further questions about why it happened. But I will try my best to pass the exams, as I still have some time for revision. 

 I think your parents' attitude makes sense - they worked hard to give you a good future and they want you to do well. You just have to keep in mind that nothing is ever truly that bad! Yes, failing your exams will make things very difficult, but it's not something you can't eventually fix in some way. Anyway, I am in no way telling you not to try to pass them or to study, I absolutely think you should work hard to pass, just not to stress yourself out so much. Besides, another thing I've learned is that when you really think you have no choice in a matter, you usually find a way of getting it done!

So maybe for now this should be your focus. Ok so you think you're a monster who abused your brother...whatever! You can come back to these thoughts after the exams are done, right now you just need to just sit down, open those books and get on with it! 

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina! 

Yes, you are right. I need to sit down and do what's the most important thing for me right now, which is to pass my exams and try my best to successfully finish this academic year. 

I really don't want to accept that I'm a monster, it gives me terrible anxiety and makes me want to scream and cry until there's nothing left of me, but I guess I can't do to that, it would be the easy way. 

Again, thank you so much, and I know I sound like a broken record but I really hope you don't hate me or think I'm disgusting. 

Thank you! 

[malina]

49 minutes ago, Cora said:

Again, thank you so much, and I know I sound like a broken record but I really hope you don't hate me or think I'm disgusting. 

Of course I don't hate you or think you're disgusting and, to be honest, I sound like a broken record a lot of the time too 

I don't think anyone is asking you to accept that you're a monster, because you're not one. The thing is that constantly asking for reassurance that you're not a monster or trying to figure out if you are or not is ultimately harmful to you and prolongs the belief that you are. So when you get the idea in your head that you could be a monster, you have to try to learn not to give it so much attention by trying to figure it out.

[Cora]

@malina, I'm really happy that you don't think I'm disgusting. I know it may sound weird but it means a lot to me!

I will try and stop seeking the answer to the question 'Am I a monster?'. But I know it's going to be hard and it will take me a long time until I'm okay with not needing an answer. I'm scared as I do feel like a monster and at the moment everything seems lost, especially that I just got home from a walk with my boyfriend and had another urge to hurt my brother, which didn't seem intrusive. I do feel like I need to keep asking for reassurance and I can't see myself living without it but I will try and stop, I will try and change my behaviour. I don't promise anything but I will try. 

Thank you again for everything, malina! 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Cora
Grammar mistake

[Cora]

I feel so lost and so much guilt. Weird things keep happening; today I kissed my brother again and I don't know why I did it. I just don't know why, but I know it wasn't from sibling love, and it wasn't a compulsion either. I just want to be taken away from my family. I'm an immense danger, and they don't even know that.

I have work tomorrow. But I can't see myself going in because of how fake and disgusting I am. How am I supposed to pretend that nothing's wrong?! Ah, I just want to scream! 

I so want this to be over. 

I'm sorry. 

[malina]

Hey Cora,

I know this feels awful but it's just the same old OCD you've been experiencing for months now. It's really nothing new and no big deal. So you kissed your brother, what's the big deal? You need to try and relax and see this for what it is, it's just anxiety...all of it! 

So deep breaths, go to work tomorrow and try your best. I can understand that it's very hard when you're struggling so much to go about your normal life as if nothing is happening, but what choice do you have? The best way is to keep moving forward with life. It'll get better, stay strong! 

 

[Cora]

I'm sorry to everyone. I know that I am pathetic and posting here so often is becoming frustrating. I really need to stop! 

[Cora]

2 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I know this feels awful but it's just the same old OCD you've been experiencing for months now. It's really nothing new and no big deal. So you kissed your brother, what's the big deal? You need to try and relax and see this for what it is, it's just anxiety...all of it! 

So deep breaths, go to work tomorrow and try your best. I can understand that it's very hard when you're struggling so much to go about your normal life as if nothing is happening, but what choice do you have? The best way is to keep moving forward with life. It'll get better, stay strong! 

 

Thank you! 

[Cora]

Hi, 

I'm really, really sorry. I know I am hypocritical - I say I need to stop posting here so often but here I go, I'm back again in less than 12 hours. I'm sorry!

The thing is that I don't know what to do with this pain, guilt and shame. I know I need to stop revisiting those moments, and I've tried quite hard to not do so but last night I couldn't resist. I was thinking of my disgusting behaviour towards my brother, and I can't seem to get the question 'Why did I do it?' out of my head. It's there and it's so loud. I just don't understand why I had the impulse to kiss him after having a sensation and then actually doing it. And not just once, but two or three time (I just want to cry, i can't believe I actually did it!) Why didn't I turned around and left?! Why did I do it?! I know no one can give me a single answer to these questions but not knowing why makes me go crazy. 

I hate this pain; I know I deserve it but I hate it, I can't function normally because of it. 

I was thinking earlier about how if I ever decide to be a mother (even though I'm more than sure it won't happen), I just won't be able, or worthy, to do it. I would be a monster in front of my child/children. I would have to tell them what I did and they would definitely hate and leave me. 

I'm sorry again. I just hate myself and I wish I could go back in time and change these things. 

I'm sorry for ruining your day with this depressive post. I sincerely apologise for that. And I also apologise for keep coming back and repeating the same old things, but I can't seem to stop it or handle life by myself.

[malina]

46 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi, 

I'm really, really sorry. I know I am hypocritical - I say I need to stop posting here so often but here I go, I'm back again in less than 12 hours. I'm sorry!

The thing is that I don't know what to do with this pain, guilt and shame. I know I need to stop revisiting those moments, and I've tried quite hard to not do so but last night I couldn't resist. I was thinking of my disgusting behaviour towards my brother, and I can't seem to get the question 'Why did I do it?' out of my head. It's there and it's so loud. I just don't understand why I had the impulse to kiss him after having a sensation and then actually doing it. And not just once, but two or three time (I just want to cry, i can't believe I actually did it!) Why didn't I turned around and left?! Why did I do it?! I know no one can give me a single answer to these questions but not knowing why makes me go crazy. 

I hate this pain; I know I deserve it but I hate it, I can't function normally because of it. 

I was thinking earlier about how if I ever decide to be a mother (even though I'm more than sure it won't happen), I just won't be able, or worthy, to do it. I would be a monster in front of my child/children. I would have to tell them what I did and they would definitely hate and leave me. 

I'm sorry again. I just hate myself and I wish I could go back in time and change these things. 

I'm sorry for ruining your day with this depressive post. I sincerely apologise for that. And I also apologise for keep coming back and repeating the same old things, but I can't seem to stop it or handle life by myself.

Cora,

first of all, you need to stop apologising! Stop putting yourself down, you haven't ruined anyone's day. All of us have agency, we don't have to read and respond if we don't want to. You seem like a lovely person and you do not deserve to be suffering like this!! 

I think that you are trying so hard to monitor your behaviour that it's driving you crazy. There is absolutely no need to avoid giving your brother a kiss, even if you are feeling sensations right before it. Remember, these sensations are OCD and if you keep telling yourself "I have this sensation now, I better stay away from my brother" that only reinforces the sensation as being real. I know this is very hard, but you really need to just take a deep breath and remind yourself of this, it's all part of a psychological disorder and absolutely nothing related to reality. 

When is your next therapy session? Have you been doing the activities that your therapist assigned for you?

Come on, keep your head up. You said you needed to go to work today and you need to study for your exams. I know it's hard but try to keep your mind on what is important right now. 

[Cora]

Thank you, malina! I appreciate your help and kind words. 

I don't want to sound rude or like a broken record as I can imagine how annoying it can be (to be honest, it's annoying me already) but at that time I wasn't monitoring my behavior. I do it most of the time when I'm around my brother, and I know I need to start working on that as it is one of the things that keep this problem going, but those two or three times I kissed him because I had an impulse to do so, which was caused by the sensations and urges in my body; I was neither monitoring my behavior nor performing a compulsion - I wish that could be it because at least I would have an explanation, which would go hand in hand with OCD.
I really don't know why but I have this immense urge to keep confessing about what happened. I know it's stupid and annoying, but if I stop doing it, people will have misleading information about what really happened, and thus assume that maybe it was a compulsion or an accident, which was not - it was acting on impulse/urge! 

I do have to go to work but not until later. It's gonna be challenging as I will have to put on a fake smile and pretend like nothing's wrong. My colleague thinks I'm a really nice person (she told me that herself) but she really doesn't know what hides behind the happy face, which is scary. She has 3 children and has shared things about them; if she only knew that I've hurt my brother (a child!), she would never dare to speak with me about her family again, or to speak to me at all. But... it is what it is... I also have to pretend that nothing's wrong in face of my boyfriend, too, as he works at the same place. That will be fun for sure, I can't wait for it! 

I'm seeing my therapist again on Tuesday. Most of the work I have to do now, before our next session, is to find and practice ways to get out of my head, but I just can't do it. I'm too tired and I feel too much guilt to do that. Another piece of the homework is to understand the functions of my safety behaviors, but that only reminds me of how in those moments (when I kissed my brother) I didn't use any of my safety behavior but the opposite behavior - an abusive one. 

I don't know what I'm looking for from this another boring, pathetic post. I've already received enough help and advice. Why do I have the need to always come back here?!
I know I need to get a grip on myself. I know I need to stop doing all this. I need to stop being so dramatic. It's not like I'm the only one with problems. But I can't seem to be able to do it. Because if I did it, the reality would hit me ten times harder, and then I really don't think I would be able to handle that. 

I know you said I need to stop apologising, malina. I promise I will try. But for now I'm still sorry. For everything. 

Thank you for reading this! 

 

 

 

Edited July 4, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina! I appreciate your help and kind words. 

I don't want to sound rude or like a broken record as I can imagine how annoying it can be (to be honest, it's annoying me already) but at that time I wasn't monitoring my behavior. I do it most of the time when I'm around my brother, and I know I need to start working on that as it is one of the things that keep this problem going, but those two or three times I kissed him because I had an impulse to do so, which was caused by the sensations and urges in my body; I was neither monitoring my behavior nor performing a compulsion - I wish that could be it because at least I would have an explanation, which would go hand in hand with OCD.

When I said you are monitoring your behaviour, I didn't necessarily mean in those specific moments but in general, it is like a learned thing for you now to monitor your behaviour and it results in moments like this without you even realising it. You have built up so much fear around these thoughts and your brother that it's all a big emotional jumble.

Let me give you an example from my own intrusive thoughts. So my really big fear is about knives and hurting myself with knives, to the point that I was so scared to use knives because I felt this constant urge every time I held one or even was in the vicinity of a knife. But I have to use knives, how else can I cook, right? So then I started to try and use them "safely" and any time I had to touch near the blade, I sort of needed to reassure myself that I was doing it for a reason like to pick up a piece of food that was stuck there or to clean it or whatever reason but that this was not an attempt to hurt myself. Like you're doing, I was monitoring my own behaviour every time I was near a sharp object. THEN...at some point I started having a new feeling...when I accidentally scratched myself or when I knew that my hand was going to have to move over an area where there was a sharp object, I felt this excitement. I found it terrifying because to me that looked like proof that I wanted to hurt myself...why else would I feel excited about he idea of being near a knife's blade? I started to think that maybe it's because I had built up this idea that it was something I wasn't allowed to do that it ended up feeling exciting to me. So, I tried to stop my compulsions around this - ok I felt excitement when I was about to touch a knife, whatever, nothing bad happened, who cares? And...I no longer have this excited feeling. I allowed myself to feel it until the point where I stopped caring. 

I know you're probably now thinking that your situation is different because it involves another person who is a child and vulnerable. But I want you to try to see that the underlying thoughts and behaviours are similar. That you have created such a taboo around your brother that your feelings towards him have also gotten twisted into something bad. This wasn't by anything external, it was done by this disorder. To break this pattern, you have to do your best to let go of the meaning around your behaviour.

I know being with other people and acting like everything is okay is hard but I also think it's something that all of us with OCD can relate to. At one point when I was younger I was living with a flatmate who had no idea I had OCD and when she was away one weekend I got so scared of being alone that I threw out all the sharp knives we had. Can you imagine how awkward it was trying to find a reasonable explanation about why we suddenly no longer had any knives in the flat? Or there have been numerous times when I was sitting alone with someone, having a lovely chat, but at the same time having really violent thoughts and urges about them. It's really really awful but you just have to go with it. You don't know what is going on in their lives or their heads. Even the loveliest of people have problems and the few times that I've opened up to people about my problems, I've found them surprisingly understanding. I think if your colleague knew that you were suffering from an anxiety disorder that was making you so sad and miserable, she would feel sympathetic, not stop talking to you. 

[Cora]

13 hours ago, malina said:

When I said you are monitoring your behaviour, I didn't necessarily mean in those specific moments but in general, it is like a learned thing for you now to monitor your behaviour and it results in moments like this without you even realising it. You have built up so much fear around these thoughts and your brother that it's all a big emotional jumble.

Let me give you an example from my own intrusive thoughts. So my really big fear is about knives and hurting myself with knives, to the point that I was so scared to use knives because I felt this constant urge every time I held one or even was in the vicinity of a knife. But I have to use knives, how else can I cook, right? So then I started to try and use them "safely" and any time I had to touch near the blade, I sort of needed to reassure myself that I was doing it for a reason like to pick up a piece of food that was stuck there or to clean it or whatever reason but that this was not an attempt to hurt myself. Like you're doing, I was monitoring my own behaviour every time I was near a sharp object. THEN...at some point I started having a new feeling...when I accidentally scratched myself or when I knew that my hand was going to have to move over an area where there was a sharp object, I felt this excitement. I found it terrifying because to me that looked like proof that I wanted to hurt myself...why else would I feel excited about he idea of being near a knife's blade? I started to think that maybe it's because I had built up this idea that it was something I wasn't allowed to do that it ended up feeling exciting to me. So, I tried to stop my compulsions around this - ok I felt excitement when I was about to touch a knife, whatever, nothing bad happened, who cares? And...I no longer have this excited feeling. I allowed myself to feel it until the point where I stopped caring. 

I know you're probably now thinking that your situation is different because it involves another person who is a child and vulnerable. But I want you to try to see that the underlying thoughts and behaviours are similar. That you have created such a taboo around your brother that your feelings towards him have also gotten twisted into something bad. This wasn't by anything external, it was done by this disorder. To break this pattern, you have to do your best to let go of the meaning around your behaviour.

I know being with other people and acting like everything is okay is hard but I also think it's something that all of us with OCD can relate to. At one point when I was younger I was living with a flatmate who had no idea I had OCD and when she was away one weekend I got so scared of being alone that I threw out all the sharp knives we had. Can you imagine how awkward it was trying to find a reasonable explanation about why we suddenly no longer had any knives in the flat? Or there have been numerous times when I was sitting alone with someone, having a lovely chat, but at the same time having really violent thoughts and urges about them. It's really really awful but you just have to go with it. You don't know what is going on in their lives or their heads. Even the loveliest of people have problems and the few times that I've opened up to people about my problems, I've found them surprisingly understanding. I think if your colleague knew that you were suffering from an anxiety disorder that was making you so sad and miserable, she would feel sympathetic, not stop talking to you. 

Thank you, @malina! Thank you so much for sharing all these things with me, but I'm sorry you had to go through them, I can imagine how hard it must have been. 

Unfortunately, I have nothing new to add. The same old thoughts race through my head. To be honest, today (now yesterday), for some reason, I felt a tiny bit better for a couple of hours. It felt nice. But that didn't last for too long and now I'm back at trying to figure it all out for the nth time. I tried to give myself an explanation earlier about what happened in those specific moments: I told myself that maybe because I was feeling really, really scared and anxious when my brother was kissing and hugging me, I was just trying to let my anxiety out, and that happend by kissing him back right after having the sensations and urges. But it doesn't makes sense. Nope. I don't know. I guess I just really don't want to be a terrible person at the end of the day, and because of that I'm trying to come up with stupid excuses. But real life doesn't work like that. 

I just want to understand why I did what I did. I was supposed to be the protective, caring sister I always wanted to be. I feel even worse now that my brother feels in danger when he hears any sounds, especially at night, thanks to some people who were behaving inappropriately next to our house a few weeks ago. I can't comfort him because I don't feel like I deserve it. And on top of that, if I do and try make him feel better by hugging and talking to him, the only thing I can focus my attention on is the urges I have to harm him. I have friends who have siblings, and when I look at their relationship it makes me feel so sad because I lost my relationship with my brother. I know that's very selfish of me but I can't help it. My best friend has two younger sisters and the way she takes care of them is absolutely amazing, and knowing I don't have that anymore hurts a lot. 

This pain is just so much for me to handle. I can't believe I am now one of those people who have done some really, really awful things in their lives, and have to live with it from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed every single day. The irony is that I never wanted to be like this, I was always scared to be this type of person, and I thought I will not reach a point like this in my life. I know everybody makes mistakes but how am I supposed to forgive myself for this?! 

Anyway, I'm sorry for these weird thoughts. It's 2am, I'm tired and all sentimental; I'll probably regret writing and sharing this when I wake up.

Thanks again, malina! 

Edited July 5, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

Had a pretty rough night. Had a really disgusting sexual dream involving someone I really, really don't want to have anything to do sexually (I can't say who it is, it only breaks my heart to think about it). I also had an image pop up into my brain while watching a video, before I went to sleep, which made feel aroused and like I enjoyed the thought. There's nothing wrong with that except that the thought was about a child. And now I can't stop thinking about why I felt what I felt while having the thought. And only when I thought things couldn't get worse... 

[snowbear]

Hi Cora,

Remember it's not having a thought which makes it bad, but that you interpret having the thought (dream) as meaning something bad. People have weird sexualdreams all the time and simply shake them off and forget them the moment they wake. It's only because you're giving it meaning it doesn't have that the memory of the dream is persisting. Let it go and treat it as the mental belly fluff it is.