Magical Thinking

[Marionn]

Hello,

Hope everyone is well.

I would like to share my story because I am really struggling at the moment and I would like some support on how to manage this.

I was diagnosed with OCD in 2015 and received CBT. For a couple of years now I was completely free of symptoms until the past month. My OCD mainly focuses on Magical Thinking and how can my thoughts cause bad things to happen.

My story is quite complex. So, basically my main trigger was a photo of a baby that my best friend sent to me a week ago. I had a really bad thought (the worst you can imagine) when I saw the photo which made me sick to the stomach and really anxious. I had to change the thought in my mind in order not to cause this bad thing to happen to the baby. The bad thought was there during all day and I couldn’t help myself out. Then another bad thought popped in my head like you need to do something very bad to another person in order not to cause this bad thing to happen to the baby. This new thought literally set my anxiety out of control. I went to my sister and told her everything that was going on in my mind. Of course, she told me that people’s thoughts can cause bad things to happen. I was ok for a short period of time but still anxious. After two days, I was preparing my lesson plan and all of these thoughts were in my mind and for taking my anxiety away I had to change my thoughts in my mind for good ones or less disturbing and then doing the slides in the presentation again. The worst thing was that after I finished, I had to sent out my presentation to the headteacher with the right thought. My anxiety was so bad, so I told my sister to send out the email instead of me. I was trying to think only good things but the thought of something bad will happen to the baby again popped in my head.

This made me again so anxious and miserable and after a while I had another thought to send again the email. Instead of doing so, I went online and started searching for Magical Thinking OCD symptoms and stories to get some relief. I found an article of a psychologist about Magical Thinking and how some people have to do exactly the same things in specific times every day in order to prevent bad things to happen. He said something in his article about pure magic and rituals and my silly mind transferred this to my obsession and another thought popped in my mind like what if I put some kind of magic or even I curse the baby and now all is gone? I know how silly this is and I am aware of the fact that things like these cannot really happen but thinking of this only gives me a temporary relief and then I start panicking again. Anyway, my OCD told me to send the email again the next day. So, I did. I told my sister again to help me sent the email. She was reluctant at the beginning and she told me that this will make the things even worse, but I finally convinced her to help. While she was in my room sending out the email, I was trying to think only good things but after a while the same thought appeared in my head again.

This made me feel really depressed over the weekend and my OCD is telling me now that I have caused this bad thing to happen to the baby and it is all my fault. I am super stressed and hopeless and the moment. I saw my therapist yesterday and she told me that it is the same old OCD and not to send again another email trying to find the right thought in my mind. Logically, I can understand how silly this is but why it doesn’t offer me any relief?

I am also thinking that I will never get out of my head this thought that I have cursed the baby and this thing will definitely happened which gives me great anxiety. This also leads to another obsession like what if I lose my mind because I will never find peace? What if I will kill my self because of all the guilty thoughts I have now?

I know that all this is just nonsense but at the moment it doesn’t really help me.

Could you please offer some help because I am really struggling right now.

Thank you.

Maria

Edited July 9, 2020 by Ashley
Trigger warning removed

[PolarBear]

Hi Maria.

It is the same old OCD. The problem is not the initial intrusive thought or the subsequent ones. It's that you reacted badly to them, freaking out and doing compulsions.

Sending the email again was a compulsion. Confessing was a compulsion. Your friend was right that helping you would only make things worse. I'm sure you ruminate like crazy over this and that's a compulsion. 

As much as your mind is telling you otherwise, thoughts have no bearing on the world or people in it. Whether you have what you consider a good thought or bad thought when doing something will not affect someone else.

Don't try to cancel out bad thoughts. Let them be. They're just thoughts. Reacting to them just reinforces them, ensuring they'll come back again.