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is this OCD or not?


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hey everyone, how have you been? i hope you're all okay, sadly i can't say the same. i'm in the edge of doing something horrible to myself, tho i won't because i'm a coward and can't tolerate pain so please don't worry about that i just have the impulse. the thing that has me so so mentally drained is a thought i had a few hours ago... i was thinking something to "agree" with my OCD so it would leave me alone: "yes i will do everything you tell me to" in this case sexually abuse my sister and be unfaithful to my non existent boyfriend (extreme anticipation) so i was like "yes i will do..." and my mind auto-completed it with abuse and unfaithfulness... my mind, not OCD, it was a conscious thought not intrusive. i don't even know why i am so so vulnerable i was crying and screaming in pain because i can't remember if it was a thought or two, i just remember it was something very unusual because i thought to post it here on the forum, because it was weird it was like a semi-intrusive thought ??????

it's like i can't really say why i am sad maybe because i can't fully understand what's OCD trying to tell me i did wrong and maybe that's why i am like this?? it's so painful, like it hasn't been in MONTHS this theme is so strong, even more than the pedophilia one, because it's about infidelity and i don't agree with what my psychologist says it's cheating or it's not so i can't really let it go like i did with the pedophilia i promise you all i'm doing so much better with that theme but i can't do the same with this one for some reason... it feels REAL i wish i could do just the same: no rumination, no confession, no seeking for reassurance anymore, sometimes exposing myself to OCD... but it won't work with this theme i know that for real and i'm desperate i don't want to ever cheat on anyone help :((((((

Edited by lily17
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3 hours ago, lily17 said:

so i was like "yes i will do..." and my mind auto-completed it with abuse and unfaithfulness... my mind, not OCD, it was a conscious thought not intrusive.

Hey there! Sorry you are struggling so fiercely. Reading about your anguish, I can whole-heartedly relate as OCD has certainly brought me to absolute despair. I feel for you and hopefully we can help.

I quoted that piece because I want to mention something really vital and hopefully helpful: There is not such thing as an "OCD thought" exactly. When we refer to OCD thoughts, we are referring to these blasted intrusive thoughts yes, however the thoughts themselves aren't what makes OCD. Virtually even human on the planet experiences weird, intrusive, ego-dystonic (repulsive to oneself) thoughts. So while OCD may being with our intrusive thoughts, those in and of itself don't define OCD. OCD happens when we experience an unwanted thought, and instead of thinking "what an odd thought, I wouldn't do that. How silly." Or just simply not regarding the thought at all, people like us who have OCD tend to latch onto it; it caused anxiety and we must solve this, must do something to take away this anxiety, must dig deeper. We struggle so hard with our need for certainty. The issue is in your need to be absolute certain of what this thought could mean, instead of simply letting it go. (Simply I say, HA! Much easier said than done, I know!) Trust that your anxiety and desire to dig deeper into this "problem" is OCD being a jerk. Everyone gets thoughts that are so out of left field, and I'm very proud to say that I'm beginning to be better as disregarding them. It takes practice, patience and self-love and compassion. Be kind to yourself, as denying yourself compulsions isn't an easy thing to do. But you can start right away! Do everything you can not to ruminate. I know how it can make you feel, the OCD I mean. Just utterly hopeless. I've been there; I thought it would never get better. But trust me, once you start the work, which really is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), it will to get better. Try to keep yourself really busy for awhile, even if it's just going for walks or reading a book. When OCD wants to bully you, just gently bring your mind back to whatever it was you were focusing on before. Do everything in your power not to perform compulsions, as this is how you are telling your brain that you are ok - you don't need to be thinking about that silliness. The thoughts will dissipate. I do recommend professional help with CBT if you find it would be beneficial. 

Best wishes!

 

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