I'm coping but I still need your help

[Cora]

Hi guys,
I really hope your weekend is going well, or at least not too bad. 

I would like to let you know that I've been doing a lot better for some (unknown) reason. I've tried to avoid ruminating and analysing my thoughts and feelings, revisiting specific moments that give me a great amount of anxiety, as well as monitoring the sensations in my body while being and spending time with my brother. It has been quite a challenge, I had days where I felt that my world was ending but I still carried on, again, for some unknown reason. 

I'm back here so soon because even though I still struggle a lot with the feelings of guilt, shame and disgust caused by certain events, and even though there is still a part of me that strongly believes that I've hurt and abused my brother, there is something else that seems to be much stronger than all this, and has resurfaced for the past two days with great power.
Okay, so here goes: I've been on OCD forums a for a very long time, I've listened to podcasts about OCD and I've read articles about OCD since all this mess started (I know that doing all this is performing compulsions). I'm not sure that I've learnt much (I probably haven't) but I've noticed that all these sources define OCD as analysing, ruminating and being anxious about something that is considered intrusive. Well, this is my problem. For the past two months, I've rarely struggled with intrusions. They, the obsessions, even if not intrusive, of course, still cause me a great amount of guilt, shame and disgust, just like an intrusion normally would, but they seem rather created by me, either on purpose (for no specific reason) or by focusing too much of my attention and time on my trigger(s). This makes me very worried because in my head OCD always equals to unwanted and undesired thoughts, feelings, urges or any other obsession; however, in my case they seem to be invited by me in my brain and body. And because my thoughts, feelings and urges are not intrusive like in any other OCD case, the doubt that I'm struggling with OCD is now even more convincing than it used to be.

I would like to share another significant concern of mine. I'll try to keep it short: I've decided together with to my therapist to talk to the IAPT team due to various reasons, such as that it's good to have a backup, especially if online therapy doesn't work, as well as the obvious one - private therapy is quite expensive. I've talked to the IAPT team and now I have an appointment booked with them for next Thursday. I'm both happy and scared about this. If they decide to help me and go further with therapy, I know for sure that I will want to confess about how I think that I've hurt and abused my brother, even though I love him and would ever harm him on purpose, or cause him any sort of trauma, pain, or anything bad. Now... this gives me such huge anxiety. I'm absolutely scared that they will decide that what I did was something terrible and absolutely wrong, which will lead to them either sending me to prison or taking me away from my family, and thus to having my life ruined as my family and boyfriend will probably hate and abandon me, and not want to see me ever again, as well as to losing my friends, any respect or love from people in my life, my job, and... just everything else. I know that I will have to confess, otherwise it means I won't be completely honest and they won't have all the information required to take the right decision. I'm scared and almost feel like I don't want to talk to them anymore, but that would mean hiding and being in denial. This means I will talk talk to them.

Anyway, I didn't know I would write such a long post for the nth time, I really thought it be shorter as I'm doing better (or maybe I'm not, who knows?!). I apologise for the length of the text and for coming back again so soon. 

Thank you so much for reading this, and I would really like to know your opinions. 

Thank you, and take care!

[PolarBear]

Well, you're wrong. You don't have to confess all. They don't need to know everything to help you properly.

Have you noticed that, on here, no matter what obsessions people have, we ssy the exact same things? The advice we give is the same, no mattrr the thoughts. We haven't treated you any differently than someone with contamination OCD.

Sometimes we must sound like broken records.

The content of the thoughts is really immaterial. It's how you react to them that's important.

[snowbear]

5 hours ago, Cora said:

I've noticed that all these sources define OCD as analysing, ruminating and being anxious about something that is considered intrusive. Well, this is my problem. For the past two months, I've rarely struggled with intrusions. The obsessions seem rather created by me, either on purpose (for no specific reason) or by focusing too much of my attention and time on my trigger(s).

Hi Cora, 

Don't get hung up on the idea a thought has to be 'intrusive'. All thoughts are created by ourselves, there's no such thing as a thought 'intruding' on your mind as if it came from somewhere else. Psychologists describe thoughts as intrusive, but it means they are typically unpleasant, unwanted or cause distress, not that they have appeared suddenly out of the blue. 

You can tell your therapist as much or as little as you like. You can also explain the kinds of worries you have without going into the details. It's up to you. Perhaps it would help if you think of it as explaining how your OCD thoughts affect you rather than 'confessing'. 

[Cora]

Hi, 

Thank you so, so much for your replies, @PolarBear and @snowbear! It means a lot to me! 

I know that I sound like a broken record and I'm probably looking for reassurance when I ask this, but do you think I am allowed not to confess even if it feels that I must or that I really need to because I think that what I did is simply more than just OCD? I know I said I managed to stop revisiting the moments where I think I hurt my brother, but since I've posted this I'm back at ruminating and analsying the respective moments. I guess that the only reason for this is that I am very, very guilty indeed. 

I know (I promise, I do!) that I need to stop doing this, but I really don't get it: how can a person who has OCD act on an urge and/or feelings and sensations?! How and why would they do it?! If that's what you fear, why would you go so far?! I really can't understand it. I'm really sorry. I would have probably been able to move on if it had only happened once. But it didn't happen just once; it happend two or three times! Or maybe more and I just can't remember. 

I know that at the end of the day I love my brother. I've always taken good care of him and tried to protect him, and, of course, there were lots of moments where I failed, but I never expected something like this from me, I never expected a failure like this one, I never expected that I would harm my brother in such a disgusting, perverted way!

Sometimes I really want to think that it was my anxiety that played a big role in me kissing him after having an urge, sensations and feelings. But then. That's just looking for an excuse, for someone/something else to blame. I guess I'm only doing that because I'm way too scared to accept that I am this type of person, and that I did such terrible things.  

Anyway... I'm sorry for venting and repeating myself for the nth time. I sincerely apologise for that! Please skip this if you find it annoying and/or repulsive. 

Thank you for reading this, and I hope your Sunday is going well! 

[PolarBear]

Well, you are asking for reassurance. You repeatedly ask how it can be OCD when you did blah, blah.

The fact is, you kissed your brother. What thought was in your head at the time or just before is irrelevant. A kiss is not sexual abuse, no matter how much your mind tells you it is.

[malina]

Hey Cora,

It's great that you are feeling a bit better and it's nice to heard that you are making plans for moving forward with your treatment. I firstly have to say that I am 100% with PB on this, kissing and hugging your brother is NOT abuse, regardless of the thoughts in your head at the time. Your question is how can a person with OCD move forward knowing they have acted out on their urges. You, however, have not and thinking that you have is just more OCD nonsense. Please try to keep that in mind.

As for the team, just go with it and see how comfortable you feel. You don't have to confess anything, but you should tell them as much as they need to know in order to help you. You don't have to say everything at the first visit, see how you like it and how comfortable you feel. This is a service aimed at helping you, try to think of it that way - you are their client, they are not there to judge you.

Good luck, I am sure it'll all be fine and I hope that you find it useful!

[Cora]

On 12/07/2020 at 20:31, PolarBear said:

Well, you are asking for reassurance. You repeatedly ask how it can be OCD when you did blah, blah.

The fact is, you kissed your brother. What thought was in your head at the time or just before is irrelevant. A kiss is not sexual abuse, no matter how much your mind tells you it is.

I understand that, @PolarBear. But doesn't the fact that I kissed him impulsively after having urges and sensations change the whole situation? Doesn't this equal to child abuse if it was done with bad intention? I know you probably don't have the answers for these questions but I keep replying them in my head and I just don't know what to do. 

Thank you so much for your help! 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

13 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

It's great that you are feeling a bit better and it's nice to heard that you are making plans for moving forward with your treatment. I firstly have to say that I am 100% with PB on this, kissing and hugging your brother is NOT abuse, regardless of the thoughts in your head at the time. Your question is how can a person with OCD move forward knowing they have acted out on their urges. You, however, have not and thinking that you have is just more OCD nonsense. Please try to keep that in mind.

As for the team, just go with it and see how comfortable you feel. You don't have to confess anything, but you should tell them as much as they need to know in order to help you. You don't have to say everything at the first visit, see how you like it and how comfortable you feel. This is a service aimed at helping you, try to think of it that way - you are their client, they are not there to judge you.

Good luck, I am sure it'll all be fine and I hope that you find it useful!

Thank you so much, @malina! 

[Cora]

I'm really sorry because this is another post where I'm venting. 

Today is a really, really bad day for me. I'm sad and all I want is to cry but my brain won't let me. 

Last night, before I went to bed, I had a memory about a real event that happend last summer resurfacing slowly but painfully. There was a time when I got over it, but now it's back, and I can't shrug it off because of how terrible it is. 

To make things worse, when I was giving my brother a kiss earlier (I feel a bit more relaxed around him now), I felt a groinal sensation similar to arousal combined with a feeling of excitment, but I didn't stop, I carried on kissing and cuddling him. But when the moment was over I couldn't stop thinking that I kissed him because of the feeling arousal and excitment. That's what it felt like during the moment (this sounds so disgusting but I don't know how else to describe it!). Honestly, if I think about it, I strongly believe that only because of the feelings of arousal and excitment I kept being affectionate with my brother, not because I love and care about him. I really, really need to be put away. 

I'm so, so disgusting. I hate myself so much. There's just so much to handle at the same time. I'm seeing my therapist in an hour but I'm hopeless. I'm planning on talking to her about the real event but I'm very scared to do so because there is a great chance that she will have me sent to jail.  

I know people have much, much bigger struggles and problems, I know that, and I probably sound so dramatic when mine are just about thoughts and feelings, but I think this is too much for me. I have no way out. 

I'm sorry. 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

Hi,

I'm really sorry but I'm struggling so much at the moment. I feel like I've done so many bad things and I just don't know how to carry on living with so much burden on my shoulders. 

I've seen my therapist today but we had to focus on something else, so there was not much time left for talking about how I feel. 

I really feel like I'm breaking into pieces. Today, once again, I've hurt my brother. I can't live like this anymore. He's so sweet and caring, and all I do is hurting him. I understand that kissing him is neither a bad thing nor equals to child abuse but it's under the circumstances that I kissed and hugged him that matters the most. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. 

I've seen my boyfriend for a few hours and I felt safe and loved, even though I don't deserve it, but I'm back home and I feel absolutely horrible. I don't want to be alone. 

I'm not asking for any advice because I've already been given all the good, effective advice in the world. I just feel alone and I really don't want to call a crisis line. 

I'm sorry. I'm behaving inappropriately by coming back here so often and posting the same old things every single time, but I don't know what else to do. 

Also, I'm really sorry to say this but I'm having a lot of suicidal thiughts. I really don't want to die but I can't take this pain, guilt and shame anymore. 

I'm really sorry. 

[PolarBear]

Same old, same old. There's nothing new here. It's the same thing, over and over.

I just told you that the thought/urge (read:obsession) you have when you kiss him is irrelevant. I meant that. 

You can come up with, yeah but then this happened.... and we'll see the same thing happening again.

And please stop with the self deprecating behavior (I'm disgusting, I'm so bad, etc.) You're not and saying those things is a compulsion. I've seen it many times and it's always a compulsion, which as you know, does absolutely no good. 

[Cora]

10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Same old, same old. There's nothing new here. It's the same thing, over and over.

I just told you that the thought/urge (read:obsession) you have when you kiss him is irrelevant. I meant that. 

You can come up with, yeah but then this happened.... and we'll see the same thing happening again.

And please stop with the self deprecating behavior (I'm disgusting, I'm so bad, etc.) You're not and saying those things is a compulsion. I've seen it many times and it's always a compulsion, which as you know, does absolutely no good. 

Thank you, @PolarBear! I really appreciate your help!

I know this will sound weird but do you think that I'm allowed to move on and stop trying to figure it all out? Do you think that I'm allowed to live my life without hating myself this badly for all this mess caused by me? I'm only asking this because I'm feeling hopeless at the moment, and I just want someone to tell me that I'm not as terrible as I think I am. Of course, you don't have to answer these questions if you don't want to. 

Again, thank you so much for everything! 

[PolarBear]

Well, you're asking for reassurance again but I need to answer your first questions.

Of course you can move on. In fact, you must move on in order to get past this. Dwelling on what happened is what keeps you stuck in that dark place.

[malina]

Hi Cora,

I don't think you should even ask the question "am I allowed to move on", because the answer is that you have to move on. What you're experiencing is a mental illness and not moving on perpetuates that illness. That is like having a wound and asking if you're allowed to put a bandage on it.

Moving on is the hard part because you believe that you have done something wrong. I think you should address this issue in therapy because this is clearly something that is bothering you a lot and you need to start developing some strategies to change this thinking and move on.

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina and @PolarBear. 

I promise, I do want to move on, I'm tired of feeling like this, I'm tired of having to go through all this mess every single day.

But I don't know how to move on because another event happened yesterday. It's worse than kissing my brother on the cheek. I'm really sorry, but I haven't told this to anyone and I think I will explode from so much anxiety and shame if I don't share it. Please, forgive me!

Here goes: I was in my bed in the morning, just waking up, when my brother came in and laied on me (I was covered by my blanket). At that point, I felt a sexual feeling in my body, probably a groinal response. Usually, if I ever feel something in my body when my brother touches me, I either move him away from me, tell him to leave or I leave the room myself. But in that respective moment, I DID NOT do such thing. I felt the feeling but I still left my brother stay where he was. There would be no problem because I know sexual OCD comes with sensations, feelings and groinal responses, but (HERE COMES THE MOST GROSS PART of all this, I sincerely apologise!) I'm sure to a certain extent that I allowed him to continue staying there (on me) because I enjoyed the feeling. I distinctly remember that there were like two milliseconds where I did want to carry on feeling the sensation in my body but I think after I that I immediately stopped thinking that. But I really don't know. I can't remember clearly what happened. I'm also very scared that because I don't want it to be true I blank it out on purpose. I don't know. I'm really, really sorry. I don't know why I keep making the same mistakes. I really don't. 

I know you've already helped me so many times, but please can you help me one more time?! I promise, I'm so desperate. I kept this for myself for so long that I think I will throw up. 

I need to go to work soon (I'm doing a night shift) but I don't know how to manage this anxiety. I will probably be really slow and won't finish all my jobs; and probably I will burst into tears at some point, too. I want so, so badly to talk about this with my boyfriend but I think he's had enough as yesterday we discussed and went over other OCD related stuff; he is trying his best with me and is very supportive but I don't think he'll able to put up with much more of my mess in such a short time. 

I'm sorry. Please, be honest with me. If you think this needs to be reported, let me know. 

Thank you! And, once again, I'm more than sorry! 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

I think it's completely expected that you don't know how to move on, that is why you're in therapy because you have to learn. It's one thing to want to move on and another to make that happen.

The situation that you describe in your post is yet another example of irrelevant and senseless OCD that is causing you so much distress for no reason. There is no reason to panic or be upset.

[PolarBear]

Once again, you are asking for reassurance. You've gotten it several times. That makes you feel a little better.  But along comes a new obsession and you're back, explaining it, hoping for more reassurance. 

It's a common pattern. You have to break it. 

Edited July 16, 2020 by PolarBear

[Cora]

15 hours ago, malina said:

I think it's completely expected that you don't know how to move on, that is why you're in therapy because you have to learn. It's one thing to want to move on and another to make that happen.

The situation that you describe in your post is yet another example of irrelevant and senseless OCD that is causing you so much distress for no reason. There is no reason to panic or be upset.

Thank you so much, @malina! 

I was so, so scared to talk about the respective situation. I'm still ashamed and feeling a lot of guilt and disgust towards myself, but I hope I can get over this soon because it's emotionally draining me much more than I could ever handle. 

Thank you again! 

[Cora]

14 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Once again, you are asking for reassurance. You've gotten it several times. That makes you feel a little better.  But along comes a new obsession and you're back, explaining it, hoping for more reassurance. 

It's a common pattern. You have to break it. 

Thank you, @PolarBear! 

I understand that I'm looking for reassurance and that I have to break this cycle. But it's so hard to do so when moments like the one mentioned above happen all the time and I keep feeling like a complete monster (sorry about this, I know it's a compulsion!) for making the same mistakes all the time. But I will try. It's terribly hard but I will try. 

Thank you again!