OCD experienced as an adult vs a child

[Ocdinhants]

Hello there,

First time forum poster.  

I'm currently managing OCD via a talking therapy, which as a man in his 40's manifests as checking [taps, gas, doors, the car when locking it etc] with occasional intrusive thoughts laced with an undertone of anxiety.

My question to everyone is, over the years, have your rituals changed as you get older?  Which to me would say that any ritual is just pointless.  But I can't seem to stop, as I will explain.

Between the ages of 12-19, I would say I had moderate to severe OCD....in the late 80s/early 90s before OCD was mainstream knowledge [I had the intrusive thoughts, was obsessed with thinking of symmetrical objects, staring at things until it felt good to look away, breath holding when hearing about death or something which could cause 'bad luck' to not 'ingest' the 'bad thing', touching people back lightly that had brushed past me, as if doing that somehow returned the lost energy I lost to that other person, repeating car number plates and phrases, the list goes on....].  People noticed I was being 'odd' but for the most part I hid this from everyone and didn't know why I was doing all this. 

Then at the age of around 18/19, after washing my hands for the 20th time in a row and turning the tap on and off for as many times, I just forced myself to stop. I think I challenged the sky to fall down if I stopped.  Alas, the sky was still there. I would say that from my late teens/ early 20s I had a relatively 'normal' social life, although I always felt more anxious underneath than my appearance would suggest to other people.

I pretty much forgot about that part of my life, then over the last 5 years, and especially over the last 2-3 years my OCD for checking seems to be on the increase.  It has now spread from my home to the car....and work. Although it's not as bad it as it was when I was much younger, however, it is still there.  Especially the counting during a check....and not stopping a check when on a certain number [6 and 13], or not looking away until it feels 'right' to do so from what i'm checking.  I believe I broke my front door handle a few years ago from obsessively rattling the handle to make sure it was locked. 

I understand the background reasons..... some event in childhood [tick], bullied at school [tick], allowing yourself to have a negative view of yourself [tick].... Which likely caused an underlying anxiety issue [tick].   In some ways OCD is like an echo of a bully.... But in a really passive way 'if you don't do x then y will happen'.  As if it knows 100% it's own truth. 

Then in my 20's I took up flying and got a pilots licence.  But more recently [I don't fly currently] the OCD seems to be coming back.  I know the logic behind it is right [safety], but the logic vs the feeling parts of the brain seem to be at odds with each other.......  my brain doesn't trust it's own observations when I have to leave my home or the car or before going to bed.  The thing is, once I've pulled away from checking and just get on with the day, I don't care about what I've checked once I've force myself to walk away. [there is a temporary surge of anxiety as it means facing the day ahead].  For a few moments when walking away I feel the urge to return to keep checking though, but it does go after a minute when that surge of anxiety drops.  That urge though seems constant everyday.  Quite often I enjoy the day ahead for the most part. 

I would be interested to hear from anyone else who might be in a similar situation [I know we all are] , where it seems to have made a resurgence, but not as it did when you were younger perhaps, despite helping yourself.   I've read many things about anxiety/depression over the years to help myself, including researching and understanding the structure of the brain and how anxiety works. Despite having some wins very recently, the next day the 'urge or compulsion' when checking can literally take over in that moment, despite my logical brain saying 'it is OK, the tap/switch/oven etc is definitely  off!'.   It can literally feel like one step forward, two steps back.  One habit I've recently broken to a large extent is taking pictures of the taps, light switches, oven hob etc before leaving my home or before going to bed. I still do if I'm going to a relatives for an extended time. I think I've deleted some 5000 photos from Google photos, but minimise it to one picture per item now.  Quite often I would take 5+ photos of one tap...... Just to be 'sure'. 

The compulsions vary over time [sometimes strong, sometimes mild] and somewhere in my brain I've made false correlations.  Something to the tune of " My life and health, and that of loved ones are OK so far due to these rituals" . And not wanting to upset a higher power by stopping completely.   Or something to that tune. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share and would be interested to hear of people in a similar situation.  I'm sure you're all fed up of these looping compulsions as I am.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Ocdinhants

[PolarBear]

OCD can morph and change on a whim or stay stuck for 20 years. Don't dwell on that.

Talk therapy, unless it is CBT, is completely useless for OCD. Talking about past trauma, bullying, etc., is great, but it won't help you recover from your disorder.

Interesting that, when you were younger  you gave up your compulsions and ended up with a relatively normal life. Guess what? That's what you have to do now. No different.

The thing is, you have to stay away from compulsions consistently for positives to start showing. Sure, you can reduce or delay compulsions, but you have to work toward not doing them at all.

[snowbear]

Hi Ocdinhants. Welcome to the forum!

19 hours ago, Ocdinhants said:

I understand the background reasons..... some event in childhood [tick], bullied at school [tick], allowing yourself to have a negative view of yourself [tick].... Which likely caused an underlying anxiety issue [tick].  

It's a very natural human trait to want to know the reasons for things being as they are. But with OCD it's important to focus on the present rather than look back at the causes. Lots of people without OCD can tick all the same boxes as you. 

Perhaps a more useful way to look at it is to say that somewhere in your past you learned to respond to 'stress' with a particular way of thinking (saftey conscious) and self-reassurance (checking rituals.) It's not surprising that whenever any kind of stressor rears it's head in your life you revive the way of responding (the learned behaviour) that you first used in childhood. 

Hopefully your talking therapy is CBT and not 'counselling'? If so then the cognitive side will teach you to recognise when your thinking is leading to a particular way of behaving (checking) and to understand that the way you interpret your thoughts is what leads to the anxiety and doubt. The behavioural side of therapy is where you then try out other interpretations and behave differently as a result. 

19 hours ago, Ocdinhants said:

 I've read many things about anxiety/depression over the years to help myself, including researching and understanding the structure of the brain and how anxiety works. 

 It's fascinating how the brain works and I love reading about it myself but knowing what's happening in your head doesn't need to get any more complicated than what I outlined in the paragraph above. Understanding the structure and function of the brain won't cure OCD! Doesn't mean you shouldn't read up on it, just recognise that this kind of background knowledge is for interest only and where you need to put your energy is into the CBT and breaking rituals like taking 'checking' photos. (Well done on stopping that. ) 

19 hours ago, Ocdinhants said:

Despite having some wins very recently, the next day the 'urge or compulsion' when checking can literally take over in that moment, despite my logical brain saying 'it is OK, the tap/switch/oven etc is definitely  off!'.   It can literally feel like one step forward, two steps back

The urge/compulsion will always have the power to take over in the heat of the moment if you try to counter it with logic. Compulsions are a response to feelings and feelings can override logic.

But you can apply logic in a different way by understanding that what you're dealing with is a feeling (of insecurity or doubt) rather than a reality/fact (is the tap off/door locked.) The more attention you give it the more it reinforces the feeling, so you (logically) overcome the doubt by NOT checking and the feeling gradually subsides. (It can increase temporarily, but subsides with time.) 

I think everybody feels it's one step forward two back at times. As long as you're doing the CBT work there will come a time when you stop feeling as though you're slipping backwards.  

[Ocdinhants]

Hi Everyone,

Appreciate the warm welcome to the forum. 

@Doubt_It

I had just 'assumed' that people that exhibited OCD symptoms perhaps had some 'event' in their younger life which drove them to avoid anxiety by performing the rituals.   I guess we learn something new everyday and that was something I wasn't aware of, that it could just 'occur'.   Don't apologise about sharing your life story, please carry on.  it's good to share.

@Polarbear

Thanks for responding.  I completely hear what you are saying about staying away from the compulsions, and I don't dwell on past wrongs.  For the most part I just get on with things, but some elements of my daily routine have become amplified.   For the most part things currently are not bad,  but when the compulsion kicks in, it's almost a form of mindlessness, where I'm unable to break away.   I don't expect talking therapies to be a magic elixir, and have tried CBT in the past.  But now and again I find it helpful to draw up uncomfortable feelings that [for me] are probably the drivers behind it all and to just accept those feelings for what they are.  If I can do that, my checking may subside without the underlying anxiety flaring up.  But I am working towards that goal of 'stepping through' the compulsion rather than react to it.   Morphing compulsions are certainly fascinating, I have zero urge to compulsively wash my hands or turn taps or light switches on and off 50 times as I did when i was much younger, so I know that it can be overcome.

@Snowbear

10 hours ago, snowbear said:

It's a very natural human trait to want to know the reasons for things being as they are. But with OCD it's important to focus on the present rather than look back at the causes. Lots of people without OCD can tick all the same boxes as you.

That is an excellent point.  I quite often dive too much into psychological workings.  I do find it sometimes helps as it mainly acts as a distraction too, so I can try and dismiss the urge with logic before the checking compulsion kicks in.  But also hear [as @doubt_it said] that it this can happen to anyone regardless of background.

 

A video I watched randomly the other week fascinated me.  It was a news piece from the US about OCD, and the guy featured could not stop checking doors/taps/gas etc.  My initial thought was how similar really we all are if our brains are dealing with whatever it's trying to manage in this manner.  What would drive our rational mind to think that was an OK way of dealing with something?  Anyway, just seeing that was like watching a mirror which gave me a bit of a reality check of seeking further help.   But posting on this forum is also a relief in the fact I'm mirroring and reading my own thoughts, and others also trying to manage it.

Appreciate your responses, hope this finds you all well.   Apologies if I rambled a bit :-0

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Ocdinhants

[Handy]

I was researching other disorders & found one that fits better. So ocd is a coping mechanism for it. But by addressing the main disorder the coping mechanisms are no longer necessary.  However, I still do some from habit.