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My journey towards recovery and the persisting problem of perfectionism


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Hello everyone.

Sorry I haven't really posted anything lately because of my busy studies. However, I would like to share a few advice regarding recovery so far as well as ask for advice on some matters.

I have suffered from OCD for about 15-20 years. However, in varying degrees and in such a way that I have been able to achieve some of my personal goals which helped me stay on track. I found out that what really helps me are the methods from CBT as well as implementing the mindset from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I am getting much better at Exposure and Response Prevention and one of my latest breakthroughs: Getting back on track quickly whenever I get some sort of "breakdown" from taking the "wrong" decision regarding compulsions. I realised that it is impossible to completely avoid compuslions when you are used to them for 20 years. However, I do manage to get rid of more and more of my old compusions. And it made a lot of difference to me to finally accept the fact that you can always continue following your path in accordance with your values even though you made a mistake regarding compulsions.

However, I do have some persistent areas of avoidance and compulsive behavior which are still causing me a lot of problems, sometimes interrupting my everyday life. I found out that perfectionism is the core issue for me and the part that is causing me the most suffering. I simply can't accept making errors and assignments that have flaws and imperfections. Which is a hard thing to avoid as a student at university. If I have to hand in something during an exam which is far from perfect but still well enough to pass, I am troubled by those imperfections for months afterwards. My worries even keep me from certain tasks (procrastination). How can it be that this particular subject is still causing my so much pain? I have the feeling that I am not fully understanding the mechanics behind this phobia of imperfection and that this may be the reason for the persistence of this topic.

Any advice regarding my perfectionism? Should I just keep moving straight on with exposure or should I do more to uncover the "truth" behind my fear of imperfection? Thanks in advance and I apologise for my block of text! ?

Edited by Rarity
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Ocd has a habit of setting high standards and seeking certainty which is not always possible. It tends to focus in on what is most important to us eg your studying, ocd wants you to overanalysis everything making bigger thsn it needs to be. The answer to the problem becomes the problem if that makes sense. I am studying also but my ocd latches onto other things. All you can do is you best study wise and try to see ocd at play if you start obsessing over details nip it in the butt and know youve done you best.

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Trying to figure out why may end up being intellectually interesting but it won't solve the problem. CBT will. No doubt you do compulsions when you get the idea that work you have fone is inferior. You need to figure out what they are and work on stopping them.

As for ERP, and this is going to sound crazy, you can start screwing things up. On purpose. Over and over again.

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Thanks for your helpful advice on this matter, @angels and @PolarBear.

You are right, that the reason for this "topic" could simply be that studying is what is important right now. Fortunately, I do get better at recognizing symptoms of compulsions and get by using the knowledge I have gained during the years with OCD ? I will try to be more present in what is happening and avoiding stepping into the compulsion trap once again.

I guess this is about eliminating those compulsions and that is what matters. I also noticed that the "topics" can be everything but it is always related to some imperfection/flaw/error that I can't tolerate and then it becomes "stuck" in my mind and all I can do is obsess about that imperfection which causes me a great deal of anxiety and depression. Actually this specific "phobia" can be related to everything I am doing which is important "at the moment". I do compulsions to avoid imperfection in all possible areas. An example is BDD-related issues with selfies/social media culture. I used to have other types of compulsions related to other things than perfectionism but I believe I eliminated most of them and this is what is still left. It is the top of the mountain I am climbing! 

I will now focus on this last area of my OCD because it is keeping my disorder alive. For that, I am going to use ERP and screw up some things! ?

Thanks again for your kind advice.

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Hi Rarity,

I also suffer with OCD-driven perfectionism.  It latches on to my work.  I'm a manager and I fear that my mistakes could get me fired or result in negative consequences for my team.  So I have the compulsion to engage in checking and re-checking to make sure I'm doing things right.  It can provoke a lot of anxiety and derail my progress even though I know at some level it's irrational.

I think you should keep moving straight on with exposure.  I think I know what's behind some of my perfectionism (family history of anxiety and mental illness, upbringing with very high expectations, some trauma, etc.), but knowing those things doesn't necessarily help in the day to day struggle (though it does help me to be compassionate to myself when I have setbacks, since anyone in the same situation would have difficulties too).  But what helps most is the exposure, but like you I find it difficult and I find that there are tasks I avoid or try to only do when the situation "feels" right (good state of mind, no distractions, etc.).

I've been working with my therapist about doing work even with distractions present and trying to avoid checking things over.  It's difficult.  Some days I do well, other days I get stuck in compulsions.  But there are two things lately that I've helped:

(1) Ask myself which is more important:  That I get this task right, or that I get better?  If I can tell myself that getting better is more important, than it can help me take the risk that my work could be incorrect or imperfect.

(2) Someone on the forums wrote this:  We made up the compulsion rules ourselves, so we can break them.  It's not standard for people to behave the way we do and they get along through life just fine somehow, so our compulsions are only necessary because we believe they are.

Good luck with your struggle.  And let me know what you decide to make mistakes on.  I need to do the same sort of thing to help me get over this!

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you so much for your insightful reply, @UpsAndDowns. We sound like we are much alike! I guess you are totally right. Exposure is the only way forward although it may sometimes be good to know the reason. I do fail a lot at it and sometimes make compulsions. I really know what you mean by the "feels" right situation. There are things I don't like doing under certain circumstances. But I guess our task is to do it anyway I guess and habituate to that feeling of distress?

What we need to accept is the learning curve. We must accept that we are evolving over time. And even though we are good at something there is always the possibility of imperfections and nothing is wrong with that I guess. But it surely is difficult!

I also like your statement that we made the rules and therefore we can change them again. ?

Your advice are most appreciated and I will definitely get back to them now and then whenever I need to catch up on it.

Thanks guys for your replies! ?

 

PS. you are always welcome to message me!

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Hey, sorry if I'm hijacking this thread. It's very interesting to me. My Dad was very perfectionist. He was brilliant at making things - wooden furniture for example, but he would get irate if things were wrong. He smoked a lot and drank way too much and I think it was connected. I don't know for sure if it would count as OCD. I do have OCD which takes many forms. I definitely have elements of perfectionism at work. I also have ADHD, so am prone to making stupid mistakes. So - can you imagine what that's like?! I had a really bad breakdown and relapse of OCD when I found I'd have to go back to work with the new covid measures in place, as I have to serve the public. I was so worried about making mistakes. After speaking to my manager a lot and making loads of preparations I've been able to handle it.

If you're studying I'm guessing you may still be fairly young - I'd advise you watch out for drink as potential issue. I'm sure my Dad drank to get over the pressure of a long day trying to be perfect. I do the same myself and always regret it. It can come at any age - I didn't start to drink in that way until my 30s.

Good luck with it all anyway :)

 

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@Slowcoach thanks very much for your interesting reply with your example. I am very sure your dad did suffer from OCD because his perfectionism was related to great amounts of tension and possibly even anxiety. It is also interesting that you mention drinking as a comorbidity because I have been using alcohol in the past to help myself cope with my OCD and perfectionism. I am 31 now BTW. It has been years since I used alcohol in such a manner and I totally agree that it is such a dangerous path to choose. I hope you manage to keep it at bay! ?

Also, kudos to you for your great effort and even getting through such a difficult period with your OCD related to perfectionism. So how is everything going at the moment?

Thanks for your story and advice!

 

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On 15/07/2020 at 02:52, Rarity said:

Any advice regarding my perfectionism? Should I just keep moving straight on with exposure or should I do more to uncover the "truth" behind my fear of imperfection?

Hi Rarity,

Looking for a reson why you like things 'perfect' definitely won't get you anywhere, as others have already said.

However there's a little-understood truth about perfection which might help. In short your definition of 'perfect' is wrong! :)I'll try to explain.

In the modern world we're raised from day 1 on the idea that

perfect = 100% correct

perfect = no mistakes

perfect = a state of being where nothing is wrong

perfect = a permanent way of being / there's nothing beyond perfect

perfect = achieavable if only you put enough effort in.

 

All of the above are wrong, except the last one. But even there it requires you to reinterpret what you mean by 'enough effort'. You're currently putting all your effort into pushing down a brick wall instead of putting your effort into opening and walking through the door in that wall. :) Trick is to recognise the fact the door is there and that it's easy to open once you know how.

 

No living thing has evolved to be flawless or faultless. All life has actually evolved to make mistakes! Because it's through our mistakes that we learn and progress. Note that I said progress, not 'get more perfect'.

Nature wouldn't recognise the human definition of perfect. In nature,

perfect = maximum benefit for minimum effort.

In other words the natural definition of 'perfect' is the sweetspot between an acceptable result and expending the least amount of energy possible to get there. (Saving your energy for other things and reducing the amount of energy you need overall in order to live.)

 

Another faulty concept people commonly have is the idea that perfection is something permanent to be achieved rather than simply a temporary transition from one state of being to another.

Think of a flower in bloom :smileys-gardening-291500: You might consider the beauty of the flower to be a form of perfection based on the belief that beauty = the ideal, the moment we enjoy most. However the flower is only the middle part of a journey the plant makes, a temporary state in the process of achieving fertilization, seeding and reproduction and eventually many more flowers.

Likewise, when we aim for perfect we do well to remember that perfect isn't a single destination to be reached, but multiple transitory states of being we pass through on our way to somewhere else. Instead of being condemned to repeatedly failing and stressing about trying to achieve no mistakes you're constantly achieving perfection only while you're still 'making errors' because that means you're still moving forward to whatever comes next.

If you can get your head around these slightly altered definitions of what perfect means you'll be well on your way to escaping the trap of always trying to achieve 100% with no errors.  Also, remember that 'errors' are how we learn, so they're not actually faults at all. Making mistakes is about feeling your way along the brick wall until you find the door. Viewed in this way an exam paper which is 100% correct is of less value than one which contains some errors. A few errors shows the student is progressing and therefore worthy of congratulation. :) 

 

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On 18/08/2020 at 18:08, snowbear said:

Hi Rarity,

Looking for a reson why you like things 'perfect' definitely won't get you anywhere, as others have already said.

However there's a little-understood truth about perfection which might help. In short your definition of 'perfect' is wrong! :)I'll try to explain.

In the modern world we're raised from day 1 on the idea that

perfect = 100% correct

perfect = no mistakes

perfect = a state of being where nothing is wrong

perfect = a permanent way of being / there's nothing beyond perfect

perfect = achieavable if only you put enough effort in.

 

All of the above are wrong, except the last one. But even there it requires you to reinterpret what you mean by 'enough effort'. You're currently putting all your effort into pushing down a brick wall instead of putting your effort into opening and walking through the door in that wall. :) Trick is to recognise the fact the door is there and that it's easy to open once you know how.

 

No living thing has evolved to be flawless or faultless. All life has actually evolved to make mistakes! Because it's through our mistakes that we learn and progress. Note that I said progress, not 'get more perfect'.

Nature wouldn't recognise the human definition of perfect. In nature,

perfect = maximum benefit for minimum effort.

In other words the natural definition of 'perfect' is the sweetspot between an acceptable result and expending the least amount of energy possible to get there. (Saving your energy for other things and reducing the amount of energy you need overall in order to live.)

 

Another faulty concept people commonly have is the idea that perfection is something permanent to be achieved rather than simply a temporary transition from one state of being to another.

Think of a flower in bloom :smileys-gardening-291500: You might consider the beauty of the flower to be a form of perfection based on the belief that beauty = the ideal, the moment we enjoy most. However the flower is only the middle part of a journey the plant makes, a temporary state in the process of achieving fertilization, seeding and reproduction and eventually many more flowers.

Likewise, when we aim for perfect we do well to remember that perfect isn't a single destination to be reached, but multiple transitory states of being we pass through on our way to somewhere else. Instead of being condemned to repeatedly failing and stressing about trying to achieve no mistakes you're constantly achieving perfection only while you're still 'making errors' because that means you're still moving forward to whatever comes next.

If you can get your head around these slightly altered definitions of what perfect means you'll be well on your way to escaping the trap of always trying to achieve 100% with no errors.  Also, remember that 'errors' are how we learn, so they're not actually faults at all. Making mistakes is about feeling your way along the brick wall until you find the door. Viewed in this way an exam paper which is 100% correct is of less value than one which contains some errors. A few errors shows the student is progressing and therefore worthy of congratulation. :) 

 

Wow this is great! Needed to see this today :)

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  • 5 months later...
On 18/08/2020 at 19:08, snowbear said:

Hi Rarity,

Looking for a reson why you like things 'perfect' definitely won't get you anywhere, as others have already said.

However there's a little-understood truth about perfection which might help. In short your definition of 'perfect' is wrong! :)I'll try to explain.

In the modern world we're raised from day 1 on the idea that

perfect = 100% correct

perfect = no mistakes

perfect = a state of being where nothing is wrong

perfect = a permanent way of being / there's nothing beyond perfect

perfect = achieavable if only you put enough effort in.

 

All of the above are wrong, except the last one. But even there it requires you to reinterpret what you mean by 'enough effort'. You're currently putting all your effort into pushing down a brick wall instead of putting your effort into opening and walking through the door in that wall. :) Trick is to recognise the fact the door is there and that it's easy to open once you know how.

 

No living thing has evolved to be flawless or faultless. All life has actually evolved to make mistakes! Because it's through our mistakes that we learn and progress. Note that I said progress, not 'get more perfect'.

Nature wouldn't recognise the human definition of perfect. In nature,

perfect = maximum benefit for minimum effort.

In other words the natural definition of 'perfect' is the sweetspot between an acceptable result and expending the least amount of energy possible to get there. (Saving your energy for other things and reducing the amount of energy you need overall in order to live.)

 

Another faulty concept people commonly have is the idea that perfection is something permanent to be achieved rather than simply a temporary transition from one state of being to another.

Think of a flower in bloom :smileys-gardening-291500: You might consider the beauty of the flower to be a form of perfection based on the belief that beauty = the ideal, the moment we enjoy most. However the flower is only the middle part of a journey the plant makes, a temporary state in the process of achieving fertilization, seeding and reproduction and eventually many more flowers.

Likewise, when we aim for perfect we do well to remember that perfect isn't a single destination to be reached, but multiple transitory states of being we pass through on our way to somewhere else. Instead of being condemned to repeatedly failing and stressing about trying to achieve no mistakes you're constantly achieving perfection only while you're still 'making errors' because that means you're still moving forward to whatever comes next.

If you can get your head around these slightly altered definitions of what perfect means you'll be well on your way to escaping the trap of always trying to achieve 100% with no errors.  Also, remember that 'errors' are how we learn, so they're not actually faults at all. Making mistakes is about feeling your way along the brick wall until you find the door. Viewed in this way an exam paper which is 100% correct is of less value than one which contains some errors. A few errors shows the student is progressing and therefore worthy of congratulation. :) 

 

Gosh @snowbear I am really sorry that I did not see your reply until now!! I mean that is really really late but somehow I missed the reply.

Thanks a lot for your insightful response! It all really makes sense now you explained it in regard to nature. And to be honest I believe I am actually learning to see things that way instead of the typical "perfectionist" way. I am getting much better at it. And I noticed that I accomplish things much more effectively this way. I guess that is because of the way nature works. For a long time I have been in this constant search for the "final result" in regard to my life. Which was totally wrong because life is so much more than that. We are all in our own personal evolutional process! Yay :D 

Your reply is really awesome and I will keep going back to it whenever I need to revise it if I forget this way of seeing things :D Thanks again!

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