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I'm back for another vent, I'm sorry


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Hello everyone, 

I'm dealing with the same old thing and worse. I feel like this is really the end for me. I can't shake off the feelings and thoughts that I've hurt and abused my brother in some really sick, disgusting and perverted ways. I keep revisiting certain moments in my brain and I just feel like I'm breaking into pieces from how horrible they are. I've spent a lot of time on NOCD (an OCD app) and I've not seen a single person struggling with what I do, which means I am indeed a monster. I hate myself and I can't cope with so much guilt and pain, I really can't. 

My parents and brother are leaving tomorrow (actually it's today now) for a few days for family issues and I'll be alone. I really don't want to alarm anyone but I'm scared that I'll want to do something to myself. I don't know how it will go but there is no reason for me to carry on. I've hurt my brother. Failed as human, daughter, sister and friend. Failed at being a good student. Failed at everything. 

I know I should call a crisis line (and, to be honest, it would be easier than just being a burden on here for you) but I'm not going to do it unfortunately as I don't have the energy and courage; I can't even imagine how the conversation would go. I also should probably talk about this with my boyfriend but I think he's had enough and I'm too ashamed to do it anyway. 

I'm sorry, guys, I really am. Not for writing this but for being who I am, and that you had to meet someone like me in your life. 

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Hi Cora,

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. Regardless of what you think you have done, you deserve to get better and to be happy. More importantly, you CAN get better and I believe in you that you will. If you're feeling like this, it wouldn't be a bad idea to reach out, speak to your therapist, your boyfriend or even call Samaritans if you feel very bad and need someone to chat to.

This feeling "I'm scared that I'll want to do something to myself" is a common feeling when you have OCD and when you are struggling like this. Just thinking this doesn't mean that you will do anything or that something bad will happen, but there is also no shame in reaching out for help when you need it. So if you are struggling a lot, please speak to someone, if only for a chat so that you feel less lonely and get some distraction.

You seem like a resilient and sensible young person who has taken a great deal of responsibility for their own mental health. This is a battle sometimes and you have to keep going and ask for help along the way.

Take care of yourself and don't give up hope, no matter how dark things seem now, you are a strong and wonderful person and you can do this!

Edited by malina
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Great advice and support Malina :)

I agree, there is so much to fight for Cora. I know that right now it feels overwhelming and that you'll always be affected by these doubts, but that isn't true at all. You are absolutely capable of overcoming OCD and living a wonderful life. Are you getting any therapy at the moment? :)

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Thank you so, so much, @malina and @Gemma7, for your kind words and support. It means the world to me! 

I thought I would feel better this morning but I was wrong. I feel so much worse, and I just hate it! All I want is to be normal and happy. But I guess I'll never be that person anymore again. 

I'm really, really tired of waking up and going to bed knowing that I'm a monster and that there is no future for me anymore. I can't even process that I'm actually living such a moment. How did I end up here?! Why did I end up here?! I know I'm a weird person, not very nice and not very intelligent but why out of all the things in the world I had to end up dealing with this mess?! I'm tired, I'm really tired. 

To answer you question, Gemma, yes, I'm currently seeing a therapist, but unfortunately this Thursday will probably be the last time I see her. The reason for that is that I'm going to work with the IAPT team but for that to happen I need to give up my current therapy. The worst part of all this is that I have to wait around 8 months to see someone again, which will probably be a very long, tough time. But there is nothing I can do so I will just have to wait patiently. 

Again, thank you so much for you support and help! And I'm sorry for keep replying in such negative tones but I can't help it.  

 

 

Edited by Cora
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1 minute ago, Cora said:

Thank you so, so much, @malina and @Gemma7, for your kind words and support. It means the world to me! 

I thought I would feel better this morning but I was wrong. I feel so much worse, and I just hate it! All I want is to be normal and happy. But I guess I'll never be that person anymore again. 

I'm really, really tired of waking up and going to bed knowing that I'm a monster and that there is no future for me anymore. I can't even process that I'm actually living such a moment. How did I end up here?! Why did I end up here?! I know I'm a weird person, not very nice and not very intelligent but why out of all the things in the world I had to end up dealing with this mess?! I'm tired, I'm really tired. 

To answer you question, Gemma, yes, I'm currently seeing a therapist, but unfortunately this Thursday will probably be the last time I see her. The reason for that is that I'm going to work with the IAPT team but for that to happen I need to give up my current therapy. The worst part of all this is that I have to wait around 8 months to see someone again, which will probably be a very long, tough time. But there is I nothing I can do so I will just have to wait patiently. 

Again, thank you so much for you support and help! And I'm sorry for keep replying in such negative tones but I can't help it. 

Cora,

if you're feeling negative, that is fine. I'd prefer to see you here, venting and trying to get help than suffering all alone in silence. Why do you have to completely give up your therapy during the months that you are waiting for IAPT? I have never used this service so I don't know very much about it or the requirements.

This feeling you describe, of waking up every day and going to bed every night with the burden that you carry - I think it's familiar to most of us here. When my OCD was at it's absolute worst, I couldn't even sleep, the thoughts were haunting every moment of my life. Like you, I couldn't see any way of making this stop, but with time and continued effort it did stop and it all got better.

Keep your head up and keep moving forward, things can and will improve!

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Hi Cora :)

It's ok that you're negative. OCD is incredibly difficult to cope with and like Malina said, we've all been there ourselves :hug:

Is the therapist you're seeing a private therapist? What reason have they given for you having to give up therapy to move to IAPT? 

How are you finding therapy? Have you noticed any improvement? Because it might be if you're struggling despite being in therapy, moving on could be a good thing.

Have you looked into any OCD self-help books? There are some great ones like 'Break free from OCD' written by OCD specialists and a one called 'OCD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Related Depression: The Definitive Survival and Recovery Approach' by Adam Shaw and Lauren Callaghan. Adam used to have thoughts about hurting people including his children and overcame them with the help of his therapist Lauren :)

You don't have to keep feeling like this Cora. There are lots of sufferers who thought they wouldn't ever feel positive again who absolutely have, all you need is the right support and tools to do it :)

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6 hours ago, malina said:

Cora,

if you're feeling negative, that is fine. I'd prefer to see you here, venting and trying to get help than suffering all alone in silence. Why do you have to completely give up your therapy during the months that you are waiting for IAPT? I have never used this service so I don't know very much about it or the requirements.

This feeling you describe, of waking up every day and going to bed every night with the burden that you carry - I think it's familiar to most of us here. When my OCD was at it's absolute worst, I couldn't even sleep, the thoughts were haunting every moment of my life. Like you, I couldn't see any way of making this stop, but with time and continued effort it did stop and it all got better.

Keep your head up and keep moving forward, things can and will improve!

 

5 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

Hi Cora :)

It's ok that you're negative. OCD is incredibly difficult to cope with and like Malina said, we've all been there ourselves :hug:

Is the therapist you're seeing a private therapist? What reason have they given for you having to give up therapy to move to IAPT? 

How are you finding therapy? Have you noticed any improvement? Because it might be if you're struggling despite being in therapy, moving on could be a good thing.

Have you looked into any OCD self-help books? There are some great ones like 'Break free from OCD' written by OCD specialists and a one called 'OCD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Related Depression: The Definitive Survival and Recovery Approach' by Adam Shaw and Lauren Callaghan. Adam used to have thoughts about hurting people including his children and overcame them with the help of his therapist Lauren :)

You don't have to keep feeling like this Cora. There are lots of sufferers who thought they wouldn't ever feel positive again who absolutely have, all you need is the right support and tools to do it :)

Thank you, @malina  and @Gemma7 for being so supportive and understanding! Also, thank you very much for the book recommendations.  

Malina, I don't know for sure why I have to give up therapy with my current therapist; they haven't provided me with a proper explanation for that yet. But I have another appointment with them this Thursday so I'll ask for a clarification. 
 

Gemma, yes, I'm currently seeing a private therapist. When I decided to do take this step I thought I would be be able to manage the financial aspect of it, but I was wrong unfortunately. I mean, I do have some savings and I could use that, but because I live with parents they want to know from time to time how I'm managing my money and whether I spend too much or not. They do not have control over the money I earn and save, but if they ever found out that a large amount of my savings was missing, they would start asking questions, and due to the fact that they don't know about my OCD, and my very current struggles, I would not be able to answer them. Also, they don't believe in the fact that therapy does actually work and have told me to talk to them if I ever have a problem, and if they found out that I went behind their backs and haven't discussed this decision with them, they would be really, really disappointed and upset with me, witch I don't want to happen.

Therapy hasn't been a great help so far. But that's only because of me, and my constant urges to confess and to live in the past. I do (I really DO!) want to move on but I feel like I don't deserve it, and when I do try to move on something else comes up (by this I mean having an urge and sensations and wondering if I acted on them) that drags me back in the cycle. 

I know that people on here are familiar with the above-mentioned feeling, and I'm sorry that they have to go through so much pain, but I never thought it would be this hard to deal with. I would like to apologise if I sounded selfish and rude for complaining about experiencing this feeling, I promise I'm aware that people have had much worse and terrifying situations than mine. 

I shouldn't probably say this because thoughts can be and are extremely debilitating as well, but what keeps me in this painful cycle is revisiting the memories where (in my mind) I hurt my brother, as well as dealing with extreme shame and guilt for acting on urges and not being able to control my body and its movements.The more I ruminate about what happened, the more I realise how bad everything is, how I really want to go and confess to the appropriate authorities and how I don't deserve to be happy - again, I apologise for repeating myself so much but it's so loud in my head that I need to keep letting it out so it doesn't kill me.

 

So, to sum up, at the end of the day I'm not really worried about my intrusive thoughts (well, at least not that much) but about the fact that I acted on urges two or three times (every time I say this I feel like I'm drowning because I never thought I would be capable of such things). I never wanted to harm my brother but really sudden and weird moments happened and I can't explain them. I love him and I want to be a great sister. Of course, that's not possible anymore, and that hurts even more than knowing that I'm a monster. 

I do want to move on. But I don't think I deserve it. I don't think I can live for the rest of my life knowing that I did what I did and having to deal with the loud voice of my conscience every time I try to be happy. 

I want to study for my upcoming exam, which is less than a week, but I can't. The loud voice in my head screams at me that I'm a monster and I just don't know how to shut it up.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I'll stop here. Please forgive me for the long reply and never-ending complains. 
Again, thank you so much for being here for me. I don't know where I would be without your help and support. YOU are truly amazing! 

Edited by Cora
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Hi, 

I know this is probably a weird question but if you were in my situation (I hope you'll never be), would you choose to move on, even when your mind and conscience were to scream at you that you are a terrible, terrible person for doing what I did? Also, would you try to stop understanding and figuring out what happened and why it happened? 
I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't ask these questions because I believe that by doing so I'm probably looking for reassurance but I'm really stuck, and I don't know what to do. I am in my kitchen, alone, terrified and trying to avoid revisiting the disgusting moments. I should be studying right now but I just can't focus. 

Thank you!

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Also, a memory from last summer resurfaced when I was holding my baby cousin. I'm in a terrible anxiety. I have confessed it to my therapist and she seemed grossed out. I had to mention it here as well, otherwise I would have felt too much guilt.

Too many disgusting things happened because of me and I just can't understand why. I don't want to be a child abuser. But why weird things happen then (I'm sorry, I can't talk about them again or call them something else because it gives me too much anxiety)?!

I'm feeling really bad and I want it all to end. I'm really sorry. 

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We can't keep offering reassurance. It hasn't worked so far and more of it won't work either.

You are stuck in your head, doing endless compulsions. And it is those compulsions, not what you think you did, that are causing your grief.

Stay on the same path and you will end up with more of what you've been going through. Choose to start fighting and you can break free from all this.

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2 hours ago, Cora said:

Hi, 

I know this is probably a weird question but if you were in my situation (I hope you'll never be), would you choose to move on, even when your mind and conscience were to scream at you that you are a terrible, terrible person for doing what I did? Also, would you try to stop understanding and figuring out what happened and why it happened? 
I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't ask these questions because I believe that by doing so I'm probably looking for reassurance but I'm really stuck, and I don't know what to do. I am in my kitchen, alone, terrified and trying to avoid revisiting the disgusting moments. I should be studying right now but I just can't focus. 

Thank you!

Well it's funny that you ask this because the act of moving on, in spite of your mind and body telling you that it is wrong to do so, is the very thing that all OCD sufferers have to do.

I don't know why you think that nobody else is suffering from the problem that you're having. Your issues seem very common to me - intrusive thoughts about incest, thinking that you have acted on it and feeling guilty and unable to move on. I think this is pretty classic.

I have seen people on this forum with incest worries and fears that they have acted out on them. There are people who feel guilt for a number of other things too. All of these people feel as if they are monsters, they all feel incredible guilt and shame. They all believe that they have done something wrong. Yet they all have to try to disregard all of this and move on.

We can even take this more broadly, people with other types of OCD all have to accept their fears and move on from them. For example, people with health anxiety truly believe that they are sick with some terrible illness, but they have to disregard this and move on with their lives, not knowing for certain if they are truly healthy.

There are people with OCD who believe they have caused terrible accidents and caused great harm to someone, they need to know if they have indeed done this and feel incredible guilt. Yet they need to stop themselves from compulsively trying to figure out if they have done anything or hurt anyone and move on in spite of the guilt.

There are people with dozens of different types of fears, who all have to disregard the voice in their head which sounds very logical and to take a leap of faith and challenge themselves.

Maybe you still think that you don't fit into any of these categories, yet the underlying mechanism is the same. OCD is a doubting disorder, in your case it has made you doubt your very morality as a person. You believe that you have done something wrong and, moreover, that you can't move on. I understand it, it's more than just a belief that you can't move on, it's an emotional, physical, all encompassing feeling. For you, this is the absolute truth. But, like everyone else with this disorder, you have to learn to move forward in spite of this feeling that you can't, because that feeling won't go away immediately. OCD will push back, so you have to keep pushing forward until the feeling weakens.

You have asked this question before and the answer has been that you must move on. This is part of the recovery from this mental illness. Think of this as a medical condition, what you're asking is like asking whether someone who broke their leg would wear a caste (sp?), if someone with a wound would choose to wear a bandage, etc etc. Unfortunately, for this problem that we have, there isn't any quick solution like a bandage, it's all mental treatment and that is what you have to do if you're going to get better.

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I'm so sorry, you are all trying to help me, offering me great help, spending a lot of your time replying to my never-ending posts and are always there for me whenever I need it but all I do is keep coming back with the same old stuff. I promise, I'm not stupid, I'm trying to understand and use your advice but I just can't seem to do so. I can't get past the guilt and shame; it's like they formed a shield wall and won't let anything else pass, not even if great force is applied. 

I think my problem is that I don't want to accept that I did something bad. That's what it is. But the thing is... I can't accept it. I just can't. I'm so sorry. 

It's midnight here. It's pitch black in my house and I'm trying to feel something but I can't. I was watcing tv and then came on here and read post. Was triggered by both of them, and now all I can hear in my mind is 'you are an abuser, you are an abuser, you hurt your brother and cousin, and you have no right at happiness'. I agree with all of it, and I want to end all of it but I just don't have the energy. I will be honest, I was planning to commit suicide today (now yesterday) as I was/am alone at home for a couple of days. But I woke up this morning and I was too lazy to do it. A part of me wanted to disappear from this world, but the other one couldn't be bothered enough apparently. Don't know what to believe anymore.

I know I am a broken record and keep saying the same things but I'm so mad at myself for not being able to understand why those things happened and why I wasn't more careful. I just want to know why. However, no matter the answer I'm still an abuser and I can't change that. This hurts so much and I'm still trying to comprehend that this is happening to me. I sound dramatic but I don't know how to live this life anymore; I would give anything to have the strongest physical pain that exists and not feel this emotional pain I'm currently feeling. 

This is probably not necessary to be said but I'm going to say it anyway: I've been very ashamed lately for writing such posts and I probably shouldn't come back here anymore as I think some people really are disgusted out and feel uncomfortable having to see what I write. I apologise to everyone for causing you any discomfort and for making you feel uncomfortable. I'm really sorry. 

I'm sorry for this post. It makes NO sense. But I don't want to delete it; it's what I feel. I'm sorry again. 

Edited by Cora
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Sigh. I've read similar posts by so many forum users. Oh, woe is me. I'm such an awful person. I'm disgusting. Everyone really thinks I'm disgusting. No one wants me to post here anymore. I should stop posting. I should just die.

Same old, same old.

You think you're a disgusting abuser? Stand in line. There's plenty of people ahead of you. I used to be there. Same sorts of thoughts, urges and sensations. 

You don't know what anyone thinks about you. Not one bit. We come here because we all have OCD and we care about others. And, frankly, your disgustingness barely rates on my disgusting meter. I got you beat, hands down. I know others who could out thought and out urge you without breaking a sweat.

So stop all this self deprecating nonsense, okay? Stop using this fine forum as your personal diary space where you slam yourself endlessly. It only drags you further down and causes people who want to help to tune you out.

You don't have to prepare us for who you are. We don't believe it and won't believe it. NOTHING you have said in ANY of your posts do I find the least bit disgusting.

As for being an abuser, the only person you have been abusing is yourself, through your derogatory language and your constant compulsions. You are doing exactly what OCD wants you to. And you are suffering because of it. Mightily.

There are numerous caring, kind, compassionate people on this forum who would love to help you. But you've got to set the self abuse aside and REALLY LISTEN.

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Hey Cora,

I read your post and the first thing that really struck me was the amount of misinterpretation. You say that people on this forum are apparently disgusted and uncomfortable by what you write, what has made you feel that way? Maybe I have missed something and I apologise if I have, but I don't think I have seen anyone express any disgust towards you, your thoughts or the things you have described. All I have seen is people trying to give you advice and help you interpret what is happening to you. What Polar Bear said is true, you may have thoughts that you think are disgusting, but most people on this forum do, why do you think yours are more shocking to anyone?

On 22/07/2020 at 23:46, Cora said:

I think my problem is that I don't want to accept that I did something bad. That's what it is. But the thing is... I can't accept it. I just can't. I'm so sorry.

Here is the other thing I don't understand - you seem to think that people find your actions so disgusting, yet they are telling you to accept it and move on. Why would they do such a thing? If you're the abuser that you claim to be, the people on this forum and your therapist in particular would have a duty to do something or say something. Instead, people are trying to help you, why would they do such a thing?

I think that you write on this forum because you need somebody to talk to, because you feel very alone and filled with fear, guilt and shame and you want someone to tell you that you haven't done anything wrong. This is all fair and understandable, but at some point, it stops being helpful to you. If anyone sounds exasperated with you, it's not because the are disgusted with you but because you are in the midst of OCD and you are doing exactly what someone with OCD does, behaviours that keep the disorder going.

All I can say is that I have read so many of your posts now and I saw nothing disgusting, only a person who is suffering. You sound like a very nice person and you seem to have a lot of things going for you in life, I also find it impressive that you have taken responsibility for your mental health and sought help. I truly believe that things will get better, but unfortunately, this is a tough battle and it will take time and a lot of effort.

Stay strong and please don't feel like people don't want you here, you are always welcome!

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Thank you so much for your replies, polarbear and malina. I really, really appreciate it!

I would like to start with an apology. You are right, no one here ever expressed any disgust towards myself and what I've posted. So, I apologise for offending anyone by saying that I've caused any disgust or discomfort to anyone. I promise, when I wrote that it was all in my head. I had racing thoughts screaming at me things like 'they think you are disgusting and terrible, you should stop asking for their help because they hate you!' But, as I said, it was all in my head. You have been really helpful and great with me, and I will always be thankful for that. I want you to know that your advice was, and still is, one of the major things that helped me to move on in the hardest and more terrifying moments. And also that I appreciate all your help and all the time you spend to be here for me and to offer me amazing support. Again, I'm sorry. 

I've been a bit better these days. But, of course, it didn't last for too long. The good news, however, is that I'm trying to move on, it's happening slowly but I think what matters is that it is happening. I've been trying not to ruminate and revisit certain memories and not to ask for reassurance for the past couple of days. It has been hard but I have to start somewhere. 

Everything was a bit calmer when my mind went like this 'wait, you have shared and talked with people on the forum about the moments where you think you hurt your brother, but what about the memory from last summer where that weird thing happened when you were holding your baby cousin?! People don't know about that, and this means they don't have all the proof/evidence and that there is a HUGE chance for you to actually be a monster and a terrible, terrible person.'  And there you go. It sent me into another spiral. Again! 

I did talk about the memory from last summer with both my previous and current therapist. They reacted differently. My previous therapist didn't see it as a bad thing, whereas my current therapist seemed a bit disappointed in me although she didn't say anything, so I'm probably, once again, misinterpreting. I have this this immense urge to confess it here as well but I guess I'm to scared and ashamed, and I've been confessing way too much anyway. 

I have to take an exam in about 2 hours, so I really don't know where this is coming from, but I'm feeling very anxious and I'm very scared. I think it's a mixture of both. 
I have to go now because I haven't studied properly for this exam and I have another hour or so to maybe take some notes and use them as the exam is online. 

But, once again, thank you for everything and I'm sorry if I've hurt you with my words. I promise, I really appreciate you and all you've done for me, and as cheesy as it sounds, I think of you as my friends. 

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Hey Cora,

I hope your exam went well! I'm glad you feel a bit better. I think you have just given a very good example about why reassurance is unhelpful. You've been very stressed about these events that happened with your brother, you told us, everyone told you that it's not so bad and now you feel less bad about it. But now there is the thing that happened with your cousin last summer...there is always that one detail that you didn't mention, which you think could drastically change everyone's opinion...or that one event that you forgot about which is supposedly worse than all the others. Now your mind will latch onto last summer, you will feel bad, want to confess etc. You don't have to tell us, it really doesn't matter and, if you did, I bet everyone would see it as nothing bad at all. You should try to see this pattern because it's so classic. When your mind is reassured about one thing, a new one will automatically pop up and you'll think this is something new, different and worse. Yet it isn't, it's exactly the same and it's all a bunch of nonsense. What you can do is change your response to it, don't allow yourself to play this game.

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Definitely agree with Malina - it's like 'Finally I could be free, if only I hadn't done this one other thing!' It's very common, with me anyway. Like that one little detail you think ruins it. It doesn't , it's just the OCD trying to cling on.

A couple of things which might help together will all the good stuff the guys have said on here. For me a 20 minute run is totally incredible, how much it changes how I feel. A therapist explained how it helps to change the levels of stress hormones to make you more calm. If you can't get yourself out of the house, even just running on the spot or doing squats or jacks, anything to get you puffed out for 15 - 20 minutes. It will lower the tension a bit.

One other thing somebody told me was just write the compulsion on a piece of paper and go out for a walk or whatever for 15 minutes and don't think about it. Often when you come back you won't even want to go back to it. I mean - just finding a way to say OK, if I'm guilty or not (you're not of course) but if you can't convince yourself, say even if you are guilty you'll still stop the compulsion for 15 minutes. Then try to build it up to longer breaks. That's not from a therapist so some may disagree - but I think anything to break that cycle is good. Don't try to reason your way out of it - just say you're doing the break either way.

Edited by Slowcoach
to clarify a point in the first paragraph
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Unfortunately, I'm having a rough night. 

My brother fell asleep in my room (now he is in his room) but while he was here I felt so anxious and scared. I felt like a total creep. And the reason for that is that I felt that I wanted to harm him or touch him inappropriately. It felt so real that I can't even put it in words. I know I'm confessing again, and I'm sorry for that, but it (what happened) just left me with so many questions. I truly felt like I wanted to cause him harm. And in order to prove myself that it wasn't true, and that was the ONLY way, I had to create scenarios (really bad ones) to convince myself I didn't/don't actually want to hurt him. And another creepy thing to add is that when dad came in my room to take him, I had a thought similar to 'no, don't take him, let him here because I want to hurt him.' This is all so messed up. I can't seem to understand it.  

Again, I apologise for confessing for the thousand time but I'm just petrified by all this. It seems that things are getting weirder and more and more disgusting. 

Also, I know I shouldn't say it but if I don't, I will feel very, very guilty (I'm sorry for being selfish): I want to apologise for all these details and if they've caused you any discomfort or disgust.  

Thank you for reading this. 

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STOP APOLOGIZING. Please. We gave heard so much worse from others and even from our own minds that yours seems minor in comparison.

Look. You are beginning to run on the OCD treadmill. You get an obsession. It feels real. You confess, telling us how bad it is and expecting us to agree. You hope for reassurance. Our words calm you down. Some time later, you get another obsession. It feels real. You confess, ... And round and round you go.

This has to end. You can't keep doing this. You need to take a step back so you can see that this new obsession is just like the previous one and the one before that and the one before that. They're all the same.

We've told you what to do. We mesnt you need to do that for every obsession that comes along.

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Hi Cora,

everything PB said, pretty much, is what you need to do. I just wanted to add one more thing...

20 hours ago, Cora said:

 And in order to prove myself that it wasn't true, and that was the ONLY way, I had to create scenarios (really bad ones) to convince myself I didn't/don't actually want to hurt him.

This is a major compulsion and something you should avoid doing because it means that you are engaging with the thoughts/urges and this will ultimately keep them alive. Instead, you just need to acknowledge that you're experiencing these thoughts/urges/feelings but try your best to not engage. That means no trying to convince yourself you don't want to do it, no ruminating how you're a bad person, nothing. You have to learn to treat it as a random experience and go about your day as if it's not big deal. This is easier said than done and it requires practice, but if you sit there trying to create scenarios and convince yourself you don't want them...well, you're not practicing, you're engaging with the OCD.

To be honest and realistic, you will continue having these thoughts and urges about your brother for some time. You know you have OCD, you know these are the intrusions that bother you the most, it should be expected at this point that they will return. You have to change how you react to them, you have to stop being shocked and surprised when you get them, you have to stop doing the compulsions that keep them alive. Really the only way is to stop making such a big deal out of it.

And you really having nothing to be sorry for! Keep your head up and enjoy this beautiful day, there is so much more to life than these horrible thoughts!

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Thank you, malina and polarbear! Thank you so much for your advice and support. I'm not seeing my therapist for 2 weeks so your help means the world to me right now!  

I promise, I'm trying to see and understand how OCD works. I know it probably sounds stupid but I think I made a bit of progress, not a lot but it still counts. However, what happened last night was something different, something even more disgusting and scary - and that's why I'm currently feeling another great level of disgust and shame that I just can't ignore.

The following is what I mean by different: I think I was having certain thoughts on purpose (I don't know why, I really don't) which, of course, sent me into this spiral. I'm trying to slowly learn how to ignore what OCD throws at me but I'm really scared that what happened last night wasn't OCD at all, not even a tiny bit. It was absolutely impossible (and probably still is) to distinguish between me and my OCD - and here I'm not talking about the thoughts as I know that they all come from the same place thus they are all mine, but about the urges and feelings of wanting to act on my thoughts. I've experienced something similar before but not to this intensity and realness.

Today I've been trying really hard to move on from all of this. I know this is not an effective approach but I've been trying to do it by saying that I don't want to hurt my brother (as in talking to myself in attempt to convince myself), but here is the weird, creepy bit - whenever I say that to myself, I feel like I'm lying, and an automatic reply such as 'No, that's lie, you do want to hurt him, of course you do!' comes into my mind. I would be fine with it as I would see it as another trick of my OCD, but I can't be fine with it as it seems (it genuinely does) that I mean it, that I actually mean it, and that I agree with the thought. Well, I don't know about you, but this a red flag to me. It shows me that something else is going on, not just OCD. And it makes me feel like a total creep. 

I've been dealing with a lot of shame, guilt, and hate towards myself for the past weeks, and I thought it would get easier as they seemed to diminish a bit, but of course I was wrong. I know this is irrelevant but I start to hate not only my mind and soul (if it exists) but also my body. In a nutshell I really, really start to see myself as a complete failure and disgrace. It sucks. 

Anyway, I'll stop. I've talked a lot but said nothing, and I'm sorry for that, but these are my thoughts. 

Thank you again for all your help and for being so patient with me. I'm really, really grateful for that. 

(You're going to hate me for this but I must do it: please forgive me for being a broken record and a nuisance. I'm quite annoyed with myself and I know it can be annoying for you, too.)

Thank you again! 

Edited by Cora
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22 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know this is not an effective approach but I've been trying to do it by saying that I don't want to hurt my brother (as in talking to myself in attempt to convince myself), but here is the weird, creepy bit - whenever I say that to myself, I feel like I'm lying, and an automatic reply such as 'No, that's lie, you do want to hurt him, of course you do!' comes into my mind.

And this is exactly why compulsions don't work, you trying to convince yourself it's not true is a compulsion and it's always bound to fail because doubt will creep in, in this case feeling like you're lying.

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22 hours ago, malina said:

And this is exactly why compulsions don't work, you trying to convince yourself it's not true is a compulsion and it's always bound to fail because doubt will creep in, in this case feeling like you're lying.

Yes, you are absolutely right. Compulsions are terrible, but I just can't seem to stop doing them. I know I need to learn how to avoid them and to accept the thoughts, urges, feelings and anything that OCD throws into my face for what they are - a huge nonsense, but unfortunately at the moment it seems imposible. I'm sorry because I'm not doing enough work but I still come here to confess and vent.

I feel terrible for posting this but it's just so messed up. I just helped my brother to take a shower (I know it's weird as he's 8 but sometimes he needs help and as my mum was already in bed I went to help him). Nothing happened but because he was naked I just felt weird. But it was a bad weird. I don't even know how to explain it. I hate all this. I honestly do. He is growing up so fast and sometimes I just find myself admiring (I think this is the right word?!) how different he is (not in a creepy way though); he is more mature and he is also a bit chubbier. But while I was helping him that admiration felt like attraction - I think, maybe it wasn't as I can't remember it clearly. I'm really sorry. I was also laughing but I'm afraid it was a perverted laugh as I was looking, even staring at him, for some reason. I usually look at him for a longer period of time because I want to make sure that I don't have bad thoughts and body reactions, but I'm almost sure that it wasn't the case tonight.

This feels like hell. Attraction to your own sibling who is also a child. I don't think that there are things worse than this. 

I can feel how I'm dragged deeper and deeper into this spiral. If it's not an event, it's a feeling. If it's not a feeling, it's an urge. I'm honestly sick of this. And on top of it, I can't even prove that this is OCD. I just can't.

I'm getting annoyed at myself for having the need to keep posting the same stuff every single time, but at the same time I just feel that everything I do and think is so terrible that people need to know (not that they actually do need to know as they have their own lives with their own problems). Again, I'm sorry. I'm a big mess at the moment. I don't know if I'll ever reach the other end and be happy, but for now I guess I'm going to stay miserable and be jealous of people my age who have normal daily struggles and don't have to worry about whether they are attracted to their siblings.

You're not going to like this but I'm sorry. I really am. And I hope you don't hate me. 

Thank you!  

Edited by Cora
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