How do take pressure off to get back my attraction?

[AlphaChipster]

Hello.

It's been two years since I lost my aesthetic attraction to women almost entirely (let's say 90%). My psychiatrist tells me that it will come back as it was before, I read testimonies, talked with people who said the same thing. I'm not really afraid that it won't come back like before, I almost don't test myself anymore (in two weeks, it must have happened twice on an actress I thought was beautiful, and no aesthetic attraction came back, I found her ugly :c). I guess nothing comes back because I'm under some kind of pressure? After all I want it to come back as before...  I'm not thinking consciously about the loss of aesthetic attraction, but I know I'm thinking about it in the same time I do something. I'm not afraid anymore of turning gay, I know it's not the case.

My question are these: How do you get rid of that pressure? How do you take the pressure off? I want my life back, my life where I could spend days looking at girls and finding them pretty... I miss it so much.

 

[AlphaChipster]

Can someone help me, please?

[AlphaChipster]

Please, can someone help me ? 

[felix4]

1 hour ago, AlphaChipster said:

Please, can someone help me ? 

Hi Alpha,

I too lost attraction to ladies. It kind of waned over the years for some reason? I used to be quite shy & blush in the company of attractive ladies lol, but don't anymore. I did raise this with my psychiatrist, & she did make note of this, but I really don't know what has caused this?

I hoped it would return, & it has a little since making progress on OCD, but I have questioned if it OCD related, as in OCD being a full time job & preoccupied with "other thoughts", or is it medication related, such as SSRI apathy? I should point out, I had actually lost interest in lots of things over the years, including hobbies.

Sorry I cant help much, but I just wanted to point out that you are not alone mate!

 

All the best.

 

[AlphaChipster]

Thanks for your response. To be honest, I just don't want to live without it… I'm not living anymore since it has gone (but it's because my OCD, according to three different psychiatrists and psychologists). Personally, I began SSRIs after the loss of aesthetic attraction (it is why I began SSRIs)

[AlphaChipster]

Yeah, I know loss of libido/sex drive is common, but I'm talking about loss of aesthetic attraction (my capacity to found women beautiful). Maybe it's just a translation problem but in my language, libido is strictly sexual (a synonym of sexual desire), it doesn't include aesthetic attraction. Are we talking about the same thing or in English it include aesthetic attraction? By the way, thanks for your response !

Edited August 4, 2020 by AlphaChipster

[AlphaChipster]

I stopped the tests a while ago, only the obsession remains, always in the corner of my head, whatever I do but I guess it's the same, right?
So, if it comes down to the same thing, my question is this: How do I stop having this obsession in the corner of my head all the time? If the thought/obsession wasn't always in my head, if I understood it correctly it would come back.

[AlphaChipster]

3 hours ago, Doubt_It said:

It’s not about getting rid of the obsession. There’s nothing you can (or should) do to get rid of it completely. That’s the error. 
Its about learning to accept the thought and move on. Let it be there without engaging it or worrying about it.

But if it is the obsession that maintains the loss of attraction, how can it be brought back if the obsession persists? I've accepted the thought, but I still don't have my attraction back.

3 hours ago, Doubt_It said:

You have a choice to either a) engage the thought, fight it, try and get rid of it or b) let it be there and move on with your day. Guess which one doesn’t work!? 

Leaving the thought behind and going on with my day doesn't really help, either, it still gets in my head, I still want it back and... nothing comes back.

 

3 hours ago, Doubt_It said:

Sorry, I’ve just read that back and realised it might sound a bit patronising, but I hope it helps!

Don't worry, you want to help me, you can be mean, condescending, or whatever, if it can potentially help me regain my aesthetic attraction to women as before, I can take it.

[dksea]

Hi Alpha, welcome to the forums and sorry to hear about your struggles.  I know it is painful and frustrating dealing with OCD, but you are not alone and there is hope and help for recovering. 

11 hours ago, AlphaChipster said:

But if it is the obsession that maintains the loss of attraction, how can it be brought back if the obsession persists? I've accepted the thought, but I still don't have my attraction back.

11 hours ago, AlphaChipster said:

Leaving the thought behind and going on with my day doesn't really help, either, it still gets in my head, I still want it back and... nothing comes back.

I know this is hard for you, but from your comments it seems that the obsession is still a big focus for you.  Thats understandable, its causing a big disruption in your life and you'd like nothing better than to get back to normal, trust me I've been there.  Unfortunately recovery from OCD and overcoming obsessions is a process that often takes time and patience.  The more you keep focusing on thoughts like "is my aesthetic attraction back yet", the harder it will be for you to move past this particular obsession.  I know that is tough, of course you want to keep checking because your goal is to get back to "normal", but that constant checking is also what keeps you stuck.  If your goal is to make the obsessive thought disappear and never happen again you will almost certainly fail.  Instead your goal should be to reach the point where you don't care if you have the obsessive thought, where it becomes unimportant if you have that thought.

Maybe it helps to think of it like a fear.  Imagine you are afraid of spiders.  You can't relax if you think there is a spider around.  Anytime you see something out of the corner of your eye moving you think "is that a spider?!"  To overcome your fear you have to be able to respond to the thought "is that a spider" with "maybe it is, maybe it isn't, no big deal".  Its not easy, but it does work.  The same can be done with any OCD obsession.  

You can reach the point where you say "will I get my aesthetic attraction back? maybe, maybe not, I don't know for sure.".  This seems scary, accepting that it MIGHT not happen seems like accepting it WONT happen.  YOu'll feel like rejecting this, but thats not what it means.  Instead, you are accepting reality.  Will you get your attraction back?  Probably.  Probably needs to be ok.  The reality is probably is how everything you are "sure" of operates already.  You feel SURE when you go to sleep that the sun will rise again tomorrow.  You feel SURE that when you eat your favorite food you will enjoy it.  You feel SURE that when you put your foot down in front of you the ground won't open up like a monster and swallow you whole.  But each and every one of those situations is actually a probably.  Normally our brain makes us FEEL like "probably" is "sure".  OCD messes with that.  It prevents some "probablies" from being "sures".  But the reality of the situation hasn't actually changed.  Probably is still enough, we just have to accept that.  You can do that with your situation too.  Its hard, but its worth it, if you aren't already working with a psychiatrist or therapist to learn and use CBT you should, it will help you do that.  Hang in there, its tough but OCD is beatable.

[hazydaze]

@AlphaChipster welcome to the forum!
While reading your testimony it is clear to see that you are feeling pretty stuck; trust me when I say that it can and will get better if you follow the steps. Some really great advice already so not too much to add on, but your way out of this as mentioned above is going to be acceptance of uncertainty and leaving the thoughts be. That is the scariest thing to OCD sufferers, and we plead with reality that there must be some other way, some answer, but truthfully, we must accept that uncertainty is a part of every single second of daily life. Despite being uncertain, we can live full and happy lives! Accept that at the moment you are unsure whether or not you will be aesthetically attracted to women again, but that it is probably likely your attraction will return. The paradox you're in is by obsessing about having attraction, the attraction isn't coming back, so the more you obsess, and around and around you go. By accepting that you don't know, you're taking away the power of the thoughts. By not engaging, by not trying to fight it, by not worrying about it, it's going to start to leave you alone. I'm not saying this is easy, but it is the way to get better. Since it is weighing on you so much, I suspect at this point your thoughts/worries are coming up whenever you see a woman, attractive or not. (I only mention this because of the severity I suspect you are at with your obsession.) When the thoughts/worries come up, just let it be. Do not wonder, do not question, do not engage in any way, shape or form.
Furthermore, I would also suspect that aesthetic attraction and libido are linked to a certain extent, and prescriptions for OCD may play a part. Though what you may be trying to say is even women you wouldn't necessarily want to sleep with, you just can't see the beauty in at all. Either way, if you leave the thoughts be and take away their power, you are going to get better. I know it is a very hard thing for you not to worry about, but be patient and kind with yourself. You can do this.

Best wishes!

Edited August 5, 2020 by hazydaze

[AlphaChipster]

On 05/08/2020 at 07:36, Doubt_It said:

Have you ever had any therapy? It seems that some CBT might help you to overcome the thoughts?

I'm under the care of a psychiatrist, on SSRIs. In terms of therapy, apart from relaxation exercises which are useless, and waiting for a click, no, I have nothing (my psychiatrist practices CBT, though).

 

On 05/08/2020 at 07:36, Doubt_It said:

I know it seems now like you’ll never feel normal again. But you can and will. It just takes time. I’ve fallen foul of this mistake many times with OCD, put too much pressure on myself to feel (and think!) better, expecting to wake up one day and just feel great again. Or timing how long I’ve felt sh*t for.
 

Recovery is usually slow, it might take days, weeks or months to feel ok again. You said you were doing well with not engaging your thoughts and getting on with your day...that’s a win! Just because it wasn’t immediately associated with all your attraction coming back doesn’t mean it’s not working. 

I get it. I get it. It's true that I'm quite impatient, well... It's already taken me three years of my life (the first one where I was very anxious all the time, the two others I've already described above), it took the most important thing for me. It's hard not to be desperate. So, all days, I'm expecting the return of my attraction and by that, I'm putting pressure on myself I guess.

 

On 05/08/2020 at 10:11, dksea said:

I know this is hard for you, but from your comments it seems that the obsession is still a big focus for you.  Thats understandable, its causing a big disruption in your life and you'd like nothing better than to get back to normal, trust me I've been there.  Unfortunately recovery from OCD and overcoming obsessions is a process that often takes time and patience. 

As I said before, it take the most important in my life, so yes, it's a big focus.

 

On 05/08/2020 at 10:11, dksea said:

The more you keep focusing on thoughts like "is my aesthetic attraction back yet", the harder it will be for you to move past this particular obsession.  I know that is tough, of course you want to keep checking because your goal is to get back to "normal", but that constant checking is also what keeps you stuck.  If your goal is to make the obsessive thought disappear and never happen again you will almost certainly fail.  Instead your goal should be to reach the point where you don't care if you have the obsessive thought, where it becomes unimportant if you have that thought.

I'm not really at the point where I'm always checking to see if it's back, I just keep hoping it's back all the time (I guess it's the same thing, but I thought it was important to point that out). I feel like I'm in a similar loop to people with erectile dysfunction hoping it comes back makes it not come back. I don't care about the obsessive thoughts per se. If the thought was there but the aesthetic attraction was there too, I wouldn't give a damn about the thought.

 

On 05/08/2020 at 10:11, dksea said:

You can reach the point where you say "will I get my aesthetic attraction back? maybe, maybe not, I don't know for sure.".  This seems scary, accepting that it MIGHT not happen seems like accepting it WONT happen.  YOu'll feel like rejecting this, but thats not what it means.  Instead, you are accepting reality.  Will you get your attraction back?  Probably.  Probably needs to be ok.  The reality is probably is how everything you are "sure" of operates already.  You feel SURE when you go to sleep that the sun will rise again tomorrow.  You feel SURE that when you eat your favorite food you will enjoy it.  You feel SURE that when you put your foot down in front of you the ground won't open up like a monster and swallow you whole.  But each and every one of those situations is actually a probably.  Normally our brain makes us FEEL like "probably" is "sure".  OCD messes with that.  It prevents some "probablies" from being "sures".  But the reality of the situation hasn't actually changed.  Probably is still enough, we just have to accept that.  You can do that with your situation too.  Its hard, but its worth it, if you aren't already working with a psychiatrist or therapist to learn and use CBT you should, it will help you do that.  Hang in there, its tough but OCD is beatable.

I consulted three different psychiatrists and psychologists, all CBT practitioners. All of them told me it would go back to the way it was before. Plus I've talked to so many people who've gone through the same thing and who told me it's back as well (I spent about a year and a half reassuring myself every day and checking to see if it's back). From that point on, telling myself "I don't know for sure if it will come back" seems compromised, I can tell myself that, I even tried it several times but it didn't change much.

15 hours ago, hazydaze said:

The paradox you're in is by obsessing about having attraction, the attraction isn't coming back, so the more you obsess, and around and around you go.

It seems that ties in with what I said earlier.

15 hours ago, hazydaze said:

Since it is weighing on you so much, I suspect at this point your thoughts/worries are coming up whenever you see a woman, attractive or not.

Indeed.

15 hours ago, hazydaze said:

Furthermore, I would also suspect that aesthetic attraction and libido are linked to a certain extent, and prescriptions for OCD may play a part. Though what you may be trying to say is even women you wouldn't necessarily want to sleep with, you just can't see the beauty in at all.

Exactly, I just can't see beauty in women anymore (or at least it is severely reduced).

 

I would like to thank you all for your answers, your kindness and your support. <3<3

[hazydaze]

12 hours ago, AlphaChipster said:

I would like to thank you all for your answers, your kindness and your support. <3<3

You are very welcome  
People on this forum have helped me come out of some daaarrrkkk places. We are here for each other.

Have you tried totally immersing yourself in a healthy hobby for awhile? It's much easier to let your intrusive thoughts float away when you have somewhere to redirect your attention. I believe the attraction will come back, but as we have covered, it will not as you continue to stress about it constantly. I know there are constant reminders which makes it pretty difficult to not have it cross your mind, but when it does, gently redirect your thoughts to something else. Not even thoughts like, "I will get my attraction back," cause you are still obsessing. Pick a totally different topic.

[AlphaChipster]

I try to invest myself in a hobby but I think pretty quickly about my loss of attraction, unfortunately.

Sorry to take so long to answer, I'm unfortunately rarely alone at the moment.

[dksea]

On 06/08/2020 at 18:11, AlphaChipster said:

From that point on, telling myself "I don't know for sure if it will come back" seems compromised, I can tell myself that, I even tried it several times but it didn't change much.

It’s not just about telling yourself you can’t be sure, it’s accepting that because of OCD, right now at least you CAN’T feel sure. OCD is telling you “In order to move forward with my life I MUST feel certain it will come back” Its an impossible standard and trying to meet it will almost certainly keep you trapped. 
 

On 06/08/2020 at 18:11, AlphaChipster said:

As I said before, it take the most important in my life, so yes, it's a big focus.

Honestly I feel like this is part of what’s keeping you trapped. Is being attracted to people an enjoyable part of life? Absolutely. Is it reasonable to want to get back to the way things were before? Absolutely. But setting it up as the most important thing in your life means it’s probably going to remain the central focus of your anxiety. I really do think if you looked at other parts of your life you can focus on right now it would help. 

[AlphaChipster]

On 08/08/2020 at 21:07, dksea said:

It’s not just about telling yourself you can’t be sure, it’s accepting that because of OCD, right now at least you CAN’T feel sure. OCD is telling you “In order to move forward with my life I MUST feel certain it will come back” Its an impossible standard and trying to meet it will almost certainly keep you trapped. 

I misspoke. It is no longer a problem of uncertainty, I know it will come back (I trust my actual psychiatrist and the psychologists I have consulted), certainty is not a problem anymore.

On 08/08/2020 at 21:07, dksea said:

Honestly I feel like this is part of what’s keeping you trapped. Is being attracted to people an enjoyable part of life? Absolutely. Is it reasonable to want to get back to the way things were before? Absolutely. But setting it up as the most important thing in your life means it’s probably going to remain the central focus of your anxiety. I really do think if you looked at other parts of your life you can focus on right now it would help. 

Indeed, it probably plays a big part in what's keeping me trapped. That said, the other parts of my life are not much more glorious... My apartment has collapsed, I'm living with a family I hate while I'm waiting to find a new apartment, I have trouble concentrating (and when I can concentrate myself correctly, I think about my loss of attraction quickly…), I can't practice some of my hobbies until I have a home, the other ones need my concentration and it's hard, as I said earlier and in an other post, and my friends are quite far from where I am... And to top it all off, I might not be able to go back to college next year. At least I have the physical health. 

PS: Again, sorry if I'm slow to respond.