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Advice wanted on mental health disorders/OCD


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Like many people who probably post on these forums for the first time, I come here looking for advice and support with a condition I suspect to be some variant of OCD. Lately I've been beating myself up for not doing something about this earlier and now this 'condition' has led to daily thoughts where I think about ending my life in different ways - and this is distressing in itself as one day i feel I won't be able to suppress the urge to jump off the balcony in my flat.

These obsessions or what I think are obsessions manifest in many forms and I feel unable to openly write about them here, but some of the more 'manageable' ones I have had for many years are being aware of my breathing, swallowing and blinking - so much so that it it can dominate my thoughts for months at a time. You may not think that this could provoke such anxiety or grief, but if you're suddenly made aware of unconscious behaviours, you have to keep repeating them, because in the case of relentless thoughts on breathing, it feels like you'll stop if you don't keep doing it

I've given a few examples, but there are more which trigger profound despair which i can't bring myself to write, and i've pondered this at length as to what they are, where they came from and why I have them, and the more i read about what I suffer from and believe is a form of OCD, the more I think it could be indicative of some other mental health disorders.  I'm currently in counselling not related to this and wonder if i'm strong enough to tackle this condition, but I'm totally numb and exhausted with life I don't care an iota abut anything - existing everyday is tough enough and it robs you of motivation and the will to live. 

if anyone can offer some tips on what this could be or where i might be able to seek help with this, i'd appreciate it greatly. I don't want to live like this as you'd imagine and want to improve my life as it's effected all aspects of my life over the years including my career, relationships and my mental health.

Thanks for reading.

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Guest dimmerswitch

Welcome to the Forum. This is a friendly place where we all do our best to help and support each other. 
Whatever the content of the thoughts, they are just that. Thoughts with no action. The worst thing you can do is try to reason with them, or figure out why you’re having them, or even convincing yourself “I can’t have these thoughts as I am not this person”.

The thoughts will never go away, as they are just thoughts which drift in and out of our heads. 
The way to deal with this is.

1. Accept the thought - whatever it’s content. It’s only a thought.

2. Don’t engage with the thought, or try to reason with it.

3. Don’t try to find a label for the content of your thoughts. 

Its OCD.

The following isn’t intended to be reassurance. You may feel you can’t commit your most darkest thoughts to writing. You don’t have to. I, and possibly everyone else here could give you a run for your money. They’re just thoughts. We all have them. We have OCD, so we get tangled up in them and become distressed as we surely can’t be capable of having these thoughts, and oh no, what if I actually carry them out... You won’t, I won’t and we won’t. 

Whatever the content - your OCD is making a big deal out of them. People without OCD don’t engage with these types of thoughts, they just acknowledge them, take no notice and get on with their lives.

If you glance through the posts here, you’ll see we all try and individualise our thoughts as unique, and “my OCD must be the worst than yours and my thoughts are more horrid than anyone else’s“. It’s OCD. That’s all it is. We’re here because we have OCD. 

You've already made a positive step by coming to this forum. Speak with your GP and enquire about CBT. 
 

Good luck. We’re all here to help and support one another.

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It is possible to have more than one diagnosis. The most common twinning is OCD and depression. I have a diagnosis of OCD and depression and part of your post reminds me of my duality of diagnosis. CBT is the recommended treatment for OCD while depression has six different recommendations for psychological treatment according to the National Institute for Clinical Excellence. There is no clear leader in terms of treatment success.
 

Though some forms of CBT for OCD have compassion based based therapy included in the treatment. Compassion based therapy was originally used for depression. If you are seeing a therapist it is best to stick to one psychological approach in the first instance and this would be CBT. Both OCD and depression have the same range of chemical treatments they are called SSRIs. Though there are more chemical treatments for depression.

I would make out a list of your emotional and practical problems. To make out a list for a GP. I would read the stuff about OCD on this web site and download and complete Beck’s depression inventory which is commonly available on the web. This will help you frame your list if indeed you have OCD and depression.

I find OCD to be energising in a negative way with checking behaviours like checking that the door is locked, the gas is turned off and so forth and depression as demotivating and de-energising with difficulties of doing things and getting out of bed.

If you are in the UK you can call the Samaritans. Talking to them about how your distress ‘robs’ you of ‘will to live’ will help. They are very busy at the moment and they might be a small delay until you speak with a volunteer. 
 

With help you will feel better soon.

Edited by Angst
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On 30/07/2020 at 10:04, dimmerswitch said:

Welcome to the Forum. This is a friendly place where we all do our best to help and support each other. 
Whatever the content of the thoughts, they are just that. Thoughts with no action. The worst thing you can do is try to reason with them, or figure out why you’re having them, or even convincing yourself “I can’t have these thoughts as I am not this person”.

The thoughts will never go away, as they are just thoughts which drift in and out of our heads. 
The way to deal with this is.

1. Accept the thought - whatever it’s content. It’s only a thought.

2. Don’t engage with the thought, or try to reason with it.

3. Don’t try to find a label for the content of your thoughts. 

Its OCD.

The following isn’t intended to be reassurance. You may feel you can’t commit your most darkest thoughts to writing. You don’t have to. I, and possibly everyone else here could give you a run for your money. They’re just thoughts. We all have them. We have OCD, so we get tangled up in them and become distressed as we surely can’t be capable of having these thoughts, and oh no, what if I actually carry them out... You won’t, I won’t and we won’t. 

Whatever the content - your OCD is making a big deal out of them. People without OCD don’t engage with these types of thoughts, they just acknowledge them, take no notice and get on with their lives.

If you glance through the posts here, you’ll see we all try and individualise our thoughts as unique, and “my OCD must be the worst than yours and my thoughts are more horrid than anyone else’s“. It’s OCD. That’s all it is. We’re here because we have OCD. 

You've already made a positive step by coming to this forum. Speak with your GP and enquire about CBT. 
 

Good luck. We’re all here to help and support one another.

Thanks for the input.

I realise how people, like myself, have a totally incorrect or misguided view of OCD. If I were to tell someone close to me i had OCD tomorrow, they would probably envisage me endlessly washing my hands and think i should just snap out of it.  I now know It's so much more complex and as I get older, I look back on my teenage years and early twenties and realise obsessive behaviours have blighted me for a considerably long time. I remember when i was around 13 I didn't like to walk across the carpet in my room after vacuuming as i didn't want to ruin the lines the vacuum cleaner had made. It's small recollections like this that make me realise I'm predisposed to this, perhaps. After experiencing bullying during secondary school, it seemed to worsen. 

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On 31/07/2020 at 15:59, Angst said:

It is possible to have more than one diagnosis. The most common twinning is OCD and depression. I have a diagnosis of OCD and depression and part of your post reminds me of my duality of diagnosis. CBT is the recommended treatment for OCD while depression has six different recommendations for psychological treatment according to the National Institute for Clinical Excellence. There is no clear leader in terms of treatment success.
 

Though some forms of CBT for OCD have compassion based based therapy included in the treatment. Compassion based therapy was originally used for depression. If you are seeing a therapist it is best to stick to one psychological approach in the first instance and this would be CBT. Both OCD and depression have the same range of chemical treatments they are called SSRIs. Though there are more chemical treatments for depression.

I would make out a list of your emotional and practical problems. To make out a list for a GP. I would read the stuff about OCD on this web site and download and complete Beck’s depression inventory which is commonly available on the web. This will help you frame your list if indeed you have OCD and depression.

I find OCD to be energising in a negative way with checking behaviours like checking that the door is locked, the gas is turned off and so forth and depression as demotivating and de-energising with difficulties of doing things and getting out of bed.

If you are in the UK you can call the Samaritans. Talking to them about how your distress ‘robs’ you of ‘will to live’ will help. They are very busy at the moment and they might be a small delay until you speak with a volunteer. 
 

With help you will feel better soon.

Thanks for the input.

I was diagnosed with depression during my teenage years and have struggled with my mood in various ways. 

I've given the stuff on this site a read, so thanks for the guidance.

My counsellor has suggested calling The Samaritans when i'm really in the doldrums, which i'm ambivalent about doing, probably because it reminds me of the times i used Childline as a depressed, suicidal teen. I know it's there as a resource should I need it, so thanks for the recommendation. 

I am mustering up the courage to speak with my GP about this.

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Guest dimmerswitch
On 04/08/2020 at 01:35, Lee78 said:

Thanks for the input.

I realise how people, like myself, have a totally incorrect or misguided view of OCD. If I were to tell someone close to me i had OCD tomorrow, they would probably envisage me endlessly washing my hands and think i should just snap out of it.  I now know It's so much more complex and as I get older, I look back on my teenage years and early twenties and realise obsessive behaviours have blighted me for a considerably long time. I remember when i was around 13 I didn't like to walk across the carpet in my room after vacuuming as i didn't want to ruin the lines the vacuum cleaner had made. It's small recollections like this that make me realise I'm predisposed to this, perhaps. After experiencing bullying during secondary school, it seemed to worsen. 

We don’t have a misguided view of ocd. It’s how we engage and attach meaning to harmless and nothingness thoughts which creates ocd. OCD doesn’t exist until we make it.

The trick is, don’t engage, reason, argue, become distressed or get anxious over the thoughts. Allow them to be there, you and I will never ever stop them. In learning how to not react to them is the key. 
We create something (a problem) out of nothing and we call the result ocd. 

Heightened anxiety levels in my experience reduce my ability to take my own advice. So, in your case, bullying and depression will no doubt lead to a higher anxiety level.

 

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6 hours ago, dimmerswitch said:

It’s how we engage and attach meaning to harmless and nothingness thoughts which creates ocd. OCD doesn’t exist until we make it.

Yes! Intrusive thoughts are not OCD. Everyone and their grandmother has had intrusive thoughts. Something like 98% of the population admit to it, but it's probably more like 100% actually experience intrusive thoughts. Most people simply aren't bothered by them. OCD happens when, like @dimmerswitch said, we attach meaning to the thoughts and ruminate on them in all sorts of ways, trying to solve them in our mind when there isn't anything to be solved. It was a meaningless thought that we decided meant something, and now we are anxious and doing compulsions, and that's OCD. 
Do not engage with the thoughts, no matter how difficult it is. I spent years on an obsession that really did not subside until I finally stopped engaging. It is a very challenging thing to do, but trust me, it is worth it and you can do it! And when you find yourself ruminating, just gently stop yourself. You can always stop your compulsions at any point. Be sure to have self-compassion as it will take practice, but you will get there!
Best wishes!

Edited by hazydaze
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