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Scrupulosity - anxious and empty


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Hi everyone

I'm sorry to post again. I'm feeling so stuck and like I'm going around on a daily grind, and feeling desperately unhappy. I've spent the last four days looking after my nieces and helping my sister in law, and that's been good. But that's the only thing I've had going for me. I'm feeling anxious, ruminative and depressed and can't really enjoy anything. I'm fine during the day but the evenings are hard because I know I need to entertain myself and that's difficult. I can't seem to be by myself anymore and just feel so empty. 

I'm struggling a lot with things from the past four months; I'm hoping you guys will humour me. I'm trying not to sound hysterical, and I'm better since I was put on citalopram; I'm not carrying out so many upsetting compulsions and I'm doing my best to look after myself. 

But right now, I really need help, and I would welcome your judgements, because I'm feeling a bit frightened and I don't really know what to do. I've spent most of the summer worrying and obsessing and I feel ashamed of myself and can't seem to get myself better. It seems when one thing is sorted, something else pops up, and I'm tired all the time. I've had a lot of thoughts about ending my life because an OCD state of mind is what I'm used to, and I feel ashamed. I'm doing a little bit of writing, but not much - you'd think this would have been the perfect time to work on my novel, but I've been to anxious and shaky and unable to concentrate - and day to day is hard. I know we're in the middle of a tough time right now but it's hard, and I'm scared.

Anyway, to the problem. A couple of months ago, I had what I felt was an epiphany of sorts; I had been experiencing a nagging feeling for months, at the start of lockdown, after being triggered by some religious fundamentalism that upset me and felt the need to pray for forgiveness. I could hear all these voices in my head and the sense of 'If you give this one thing up that bothers you, you'll feel better.' I also heard other things like 'cut off the hand that makes you sin' etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. The thing in question I felt compelled to pray about were the fanfiction stories that I read and write and now I feel I can't read them at all and can't enjoy them in my spare time (as there's lots of different types and genres). I know God loves me and will forgive me again and again but it's like - this helps me tackle the OCD and now I feel I can't do it at all? It was just such a real feeling but it was also confusing, because was it OCD or God? I keep going over and over it in my head, mentally checking and I feel depressed because I feel I've lost something. Why would I feel the urge to pray for forgiveness but carry on with that thing? I felt better once I had confronted the feeling as I had been struggling for a long time but I'm feeling confused and upset and trying to figure it all out. I just feel down and perhaps that's all or nothing thinking? I've spoken to several friends about it and they say it sounds like OCD - I just don't know what to do and keep praying, over and over for guidance; I feel so stuck. I keep thinking 'what would happen if I did cut this thing out of my life, would I be happy then?' and the thought just makes me miserable. 

I'm sorry to sound so weird. I'm just not in a great place at the moment and I'm so, so tired. I don't know what to do and this has been a horrible year. I'm scared.

C x

 

 

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Hi Cub, 

First, I don't think that you sound weird; I think that you are just expressing your pain through words.

I'm really, really sorry that you're keep struggling and suffering. I know how hard it can be. And I'm also really sorry that your worries keep you from doing what brings you joy. 
While I can't give you any advice as I'm struggling quite a lot myself at the moment, I want to tell that you're not alone and that you can do this. I know it sounds impossible but you can  really do it. OCD really dragged you into its sick spiral but only you can decide if you want to escape from there; of course, it won't be easy but it will definitely be worth it. You need to start seeing how OCD really works, and slowly let everything that keeps you stuck, which in your case are thoughts from months ago, go. As you already know, thoughts don't say anything about you as a person; they are just thoughts - nothing more, so you need to let them go, they are in the past and they don't mean anything. 

Please, don't give up! You sound like such a kind and lovely person who deserves the best in this world. You need to be kind to yourself, you deserve it just like everyone else. You've been through too much pain, and I think now it's time to put an end to it. You can't allow OCD to keep treating you like this, you can't allow OCD to win. 

I know my words won't help you but please take a leap of faith and start fighting. 

I am rooting for you, and I wish you all the best! Stay strong and, as I already said, be kind to yourself even if you fee like you don't deserve it. ?

Edited by Cora
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Hi Cora

Thankyou so much for your response. I'm sorry I've been so late getting back to you; a lot has happened since then. I was unexpectedly informed of my return to work, not long after I wrote this so I've just been mentally adjusting to leaving my dad's after so long and trying to deal with my OCD along the way. I was very tearful after discovering I would be heading back to work sooner than intended, and because I was leaving my dad's. That said, I've struggled this summer; I've been very depressed and unhappy and spent a lot of time in my room, not doing anything. 

It was my first day back at the houseshare today and truth be told it was a bit mixed. It was tricky because I had homeworking tasks to do but my OCD was humming in the background and I'm trying to deal with being back in the room where everything kicked off back in March. I was doing alright and chatting to friends and enjoying being independent, but a conversation with another friend this evening, after I confided some worries to her and drained my head out, as it were, has set me back - following on from my conversation with her, I wondered if there was something specific I needed to do and I feel bad again and feel like I have to do something in order to be happy; I'm wondering if I need to give up certain types of fanfiction, if that's what God wants me to do. When I was younger, I would have done anything for God in an instant but now I'm older and tend to think things through more; about my religion and OCD because to jump in seems to be an OCD thing. I wonder if I'm overthinking and should just follow God's commands.

I know I should be kind to myself - someone told me a while ago to do loving things for myself even when I don't love myself - and things have improved since I've gone on the tablets, but I hate feeling like this. It's making me homesick and now I miss my family even though it's nice to be a little more independent and go on my own schedule. :( I hate feeling so bad. I'm sorry, I know this is me and my head and I need to sort it all out, but it's hard. I've spent the summer feeling utterly miserable, lying on my bed and afraid to do anything in case the thoughts got worse again, or that they would overwhelm me and tire me, or make me face up things I wasn't ready to face up to. I felt more relaxed on coming back to my houseshare because it was a new environment and I had things to do - and my landlady has lovely dogs I could have a cuddle with - but now I feel sad again, worrying that I need to make sacrifices and worried I won't be able to keep up with the training. 

I wish I was the kind of person who could prioritise my worries; who could focus on the important and leave the rest aside. When I feel like this, my first instinct is to go reassurance-seeking and look for help and not be alone, whether from a religious figure, or an OCD sufferer, or both, and check if what I'm feeling is normal, and that I'm okay. Of course the reassurance never lasts very long. I'm wondering if there are some changes I need to make to my personal life in order to feel better, but I never know if that's me or OCD talking and if I should make more of an effort so I wouldn't be like this. Maybe I'm just a selfish person and that's why I'm so anxious all the time. I often feel like my life is passing me by and I'm missing it because I'm ankle-deep in worry and not solving anything; staying indecisive while everyone else flies. 

Still, at least I know I'm still here and I'll try and remember the things I was taught and that I have a disorder. I've had a really rough summer and I was enjoying feeling better again. But it never lasts very long. :( 

Thankyou again, Cora. 

C x

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