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Given in now trying to fact find


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Hello, 

Back again. a

I had a disturbing thought nearly a year ago that I have accessed something taboo online. This thought came from an actual event. Basically I was googling the legal status of the world's biggest porn site and I came across the 'word' CP on a Wikipedia page. I panicked and deleted my search history there and then. I had a panic attack that night and ever since then I have this horrible feeling that I've done something so taboo and sinister. I have felt that I've done/seen something the worst of the worst. It has kind of made the situation into something more, telling me i've done something else in relation to that and I don't know what it is but why are these strong feings there which makes me believe I have. It horrible and terrifying. 

I know people say ignore the thoughts as that's all they are but for me this specific thought has brought severs anxiety and I've been looking over my shoulder for the past year. It has made me belive it. 

I hate to say this but it's easier for me to say to myself "okay so you seen or done something online now prove it". It's easier to try and prove I haven't done anything wrong than accepting uncertainty. 

The types of questions I ask myself is what was I doing at the time and how was I feeling the day before this actual event happened. I've gone through my phone, my pictures my downloads everything find anything to prove that I've done something. At the time it happened I was away with my father on a pensioners weekend and the hotel I was staying at had no Wi-Fi so I had to depend on my phone's internet. My phone's internet has an adult bar which stops me from going on any kind of adult websites but is overridden when on Wi-Fi. This gave me a slight relief but that didn't last long because the what if kicked in. I have also mapped out my weekend, logging every call, every picture every action on my phone to get a timelin of what I was doing. I go back this now again and read it over, even though a year has passed now. I feel I'm stuck and can't move on until I know for certain that I havent done anything wrong. 

I feel by saying I've got OCD and going to the doctor's and telling my employer and family about my issues that I'm looking for some sort of sympathy if the worst was to happen to try and smooth it over. That's what is telling me inside my head. 

I don't know why I can't have that sigh of  relief because I know in my head I haven't done or seen anything and if I  did I'm pretty sure I would have some sort of memory of doing some disgusting thing.

Why can't I just let this feeling go why is it taunting me, why is it saying what if you did this, how was your feeling at this time before the event happened, maybe you did something weeks/days before and forgot about it. 

This would possibly be my worst fear of something happening to me. All I can think about is the police coming to get me, losing my job, losing my family losing my baby, just everything disastrous and I believe it. Why can't the rational side of my brain tell me I haven't done anything wrong, that's why I strongly believe I have done something wrong as the thoughts and feelings are just too strong. 

I feel coming here and writing this has given a slight relief but I know I will be back at some point. 

Can anyone relate to this? As horrible as it sounds I try to tell myself if I had do e something like that surely I'd know about it by now a year on. I feel so guilty saying that but like I said it's easier to accept it and then prove I haven't or prove I have rather than trying to ignore them if that makes sense. 

Thanks for listening 

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That's the OCD trap - thinking you need to solve it before you can move on. You will never be able to solve it which means if you keep ruminating you will be stuck forever. Look at it this way - you've been ruminating for a year and you're no further forward. Carry on and you'll be in the same place 10 years from now. The only way out is to stop engaging with the thought - the more you dismiss it the less it will bother you and eventually you will be able to view the thought with a clear mind and see it for what it is - OCD junk

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SnowFairy is right. The only way through is to stop engaging with your thoughts. Easier said than done, I know.
Here's the thing. I can tell you that there is no possible way that you could have done something horrible and not remember it. That is true, which should provide some comfort. But OCD and logic have never even been acquaintances, and OCD will fight with you any way that it can and have you considering the most awful of ideas to be true. The "what if's" will refuse to cease really. I've been through what you're going through, and the more you ruminate and try to find answers, the more real it all feels. More "details" get added, it gets more and more confusing. You "solve" it, for example, that could be me telling you that there is no possible way that happened. OCD doesn't care about that though, and it will find some insane way around that to make you doubt it. (You are not insane, OCD is.) And so back to ruminating and performing compulsions, strengthening your fear/anxiety. I went through absolute hell with false memory OCD and I got out of it. You'll never guess how.....
Ok, you guessed it. I stopped engaging with the thoughts. I said **** off OCD you liar. Furthermore, just don't give it attention at all! It can be helpful for awhile to have a mantra, ("**** off OCD, whatever you are telling me isn't real," for example,) but as you have some practice, try to not even engage at all. Let them float away just like they floated in. After awhile, you wont think of it. 
I'm not kidding, there were days where I spent probably up to 8-10 hours of mental compulsions. Ruminating, trying to "solve" my false memory. There was no quality of life really. I know what you are going through is miserable.
I also know you can get out of this. That "memory" I used to spend 9 hours a day on?? Once in awhile it pops in my head, and I let it go. But it's rare that it even comes up. I went from it never leaving my mind to going probably months at a time without thinking about it. And if I do, it isn't unpleasant, because I know it's OCD and I let the thought go. I don't look into it, it's literally nothing.

I wish you the best. In my own experience, besides a particularly bad bought of contamination OCD, false memory OCD stole my life and happiness away more than anything else I've ever experienced. The good news is, when you get out of it, you will be so much stronger. 

Very best wishes!

Edited by hazydaze
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Thank you so much for getting back to me it really is appreciated. 

Can I ask- you mention about false memory and I've done a little research on it and basically it could be a false memory appears months or years down the line. In my case at the time of me seeing that word it stemed from there. It was in real time. I dwelled on this all day and somehow my thoughts just spiralled out of control. It made me believe that I had done something more sinister. It horrible to say but my biggest fear of all this is that I have done something wrong and that my life would be over. I would be labbled a P for something that I don't know what I've done. The thought of actually doing something wrong has long passed and I've been stuck worrying/fearing of the consequences for the past year. My head says you are not worried about what you have done, your are only worried about the consequences. Here it goes again then, trying to remember back, trying to think about what I've seen, try to imagine me doing something like that - but there is nothing. Then what I do is I tell myself to remember a real memory from a year ago and I do remember it and rember all the details because it's true. Then I swiftly ask myself "remember that time you seen/searched for something horrible online" and I'm like no. I compare the real memory to the thought that I have done something wrong and they are complete opposites as I no the one is real and the other not real. 

So my biggest question of all is then if I have no memory of it, no prof of it then why do I have emotions and feelings attached to it? Why are they so overwhelming if its just a thought? How come this has consumed me so much to the point I'm now waiting for the police, imagining what prison is like, what plans I have in place after prison, when will I see my daughter and where and how will I love with no job, friends or family. 

So to sum it up this is where my initial thought a year ago starter and soon after that thought I've been obsessing over these terrifying outcomes. 

Because I deleted my search history at the time and wasn't signed into my Google acoount I can't check for certainly. This has resorted asking phone shops if there is anyway to get my search history back to prove I haven't done anything wrong but there isn't. At one point I was going to go the police and say to them I feel I've done something wrong and for them to check as the worry was unbearable. 

Finally I have also been looking at what protections my mobile phone provider has in place to stop you from going onto sites like that. 

So as you can see the initial thought has consumed me to being a guilt man. I will say though I am a little better than what I was a year ago as I'm awaiting cbt which I think won't help as like I said, I can't accept this whole story stemed from a thought. 

Sorry to babble on but it's just nice to write all this down and let it out. 

 

Thanks

 

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3 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

So my biggest question of all is then if I have no memory of it, no prof of it then why do I have emotions and feelings attached to it? Why are they so overwhelming if its just a thought? 

 

Because you have OCD and this is what OCD does. I, like hazydaze have also been through false memory OCD and I was at the point where I couldn't function properly as the thoughts took up all of my time and attention. I would spend literally every waking hour trying to figure out my thought, it was pure mental torture and a miserable existence. How did I manage to get over it? I stopped engaging with the thought. It is REALLY hard and it takes practice and a lot of willpower but that's the only thing that works. It still bothered me at first but I managed to resist the urge to ruminate and over time it bothered me less and less until eventually I hardly thought about it and now when it pops in my head I can see it as just OCD junk and ignore it and it doesn't even bother me. Once you stop engaging with the thought it will lose it's power and eventually you will see that it was nonsense but you have to stop engaging, stop ruminating, stop trying to figure it out, it's the only thing that works in the long run. 

I would recommend reading Brain Lock by Dr Jeffrey Schwartz and applying his 4 step method. I've read lots of books on OCD and in my opinion it's one of the best, it really helped me. 

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Thanks for the advice. 

 

I've just purchased this book so will give it a try. My worry is I feel I've gone past the point where to just label it as a thought as I have all this attachment to it. I'm also afraid of accepting this as OCD and just a thought just incase the worst did happen. I honestly, really don't know what I have supposed to have done or seen. This is why is so confusing and terrifying to have these feelings to something that you have no memory of. 

I just can't believe this just happened like that. I was absolutely fine before this, yes I've had the OCD trates for many of years (checking, counting etc) but not this. A little relief I suppose is that I knew I had OCD before this happened so its not like this just happened without knowing I had OCD prior. 

I just really want to move on with my life and find happiness in things again. I want to be excited for the future and not looking over my shoulder waiting for the police to turn up to tell me i've done something bad and I don't even know what I did. 

Anyway I'm just repeating myself now. Thanks again for your input. 

 

Chris 

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