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I don't believe I have harm OCD anymore


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I used to be so scared of going insane and hurting people. The anxiety made it all feel so real like I could snap at any moment. I would even do compulsions like surpress bad thoughts, google stuff and avoid anything to do with harm. This all happened because I was such a caring and compassionate kid, right? So where the hell did that kid go? One day back in 2015 I just switched and felt depressed and I haven't really been the same since. Honestly, I still have the thoughts but instead of doing or feeling like I used to, I just ruminate on quesions like "why does it matter if someone dies if they won't remember or feel it afterwards" and it bugs the hell out of me and I end up getting all depressed cause I can't find the awnser. I can't bring myself to care and understand why we should just love and care for other people anymore. I have no desire to harm anyone but this still concerns me.. This is all very confusing. Man.. I hate myself. Feels like i've already lost the battle for my sanity or i've become very numb. I know something isn't working right in my head and I really just want to be a good person again. ):

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Welcome to the forum! :)

 

3 hours ago, Savy said:

This all happened because I was such a caring and compassionate kid, right?

Well, yeah!!! :)The true irony of OCD, targets our inner most values and causes us to question ourselves.
 

3 hours ago, Savy said:

So where the hell did that kid go?

Well, no where!! :) it's clear to me that you are a caring person still. You're caring that you aren't caring enough, which is still caring! (I've never said caring so many times haha!)

The fact that this bothers you, again, you care. Thoughts like this, in my opinion, are probably pretty fleeting. I've experienced lots of different thoughts like that for periods of time. It doesn't necessarily mean that's what you actually believe at all! It's ok to be confused about life and everything involved; everyone has those thoughts. As long as you know that life is worth living, and you are worth living life. If you are insane for having those thoughts, I should not be at work right now, I should be in a straight-jacket with a padded wall! 
You're more caring than I am, the fact you are so concerned about having these types of thoughts. And let me just say, I'm a pretty caring individual!
Questioning life and humans is pretty natural, as long as it isn't leading to suicidal thoughts. Since it seems to be causing you a significant amount of stress, I recommend looking into some cognitive-behavioural therapy (works for both depression and OCD). You're not insane, don't worry!

Best wishes! :) 

Edited by hazydaze
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Hi there Savy,

It sounds like you have struggled for a long time with OCD and now perhaps depression too. Have you had any therapy for your OCD? I really think this is something you should consider because OCD is a very treatable condition with good therapy. It may be that you are depressed separate from your OCD but it may be directly related. So treating the OCD may in fact reduce or get rid of the depression entirely.

I really recommend a self-help book called OCD, Anxiety and Related Depression which is co-written by a sufferer called Adam Shaw and his therapist Lauren Callaghan. Not only does it take you through how to tackle OCD but it also features Adam's story of suffering from harm based OCD. He was in a terrible place not unlike where you are and Lauren helped him towards recovery. You can find it here at the OCD-UK shop https://www.ocduk.org/shop/ocd-anxiety-related-depression/

Gemma

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Hey @Savy,

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this! As someone who has harm OCD, I completely relate to how horrible it all is. I think part of the issue is that you're equating your compulsions with being compassionate and caring. You shouldn't have to preoccupy yourself with compulsions to feel as if you're a good person. I think it all just got too exhausting and that is what made you feel this apathy. Are you getting any therapy at the moment? I think that you need to learn to let go, that it doesn't matter if you have thoughts about harming people or if you care about people getting harmed. You don't need to be preoccupied and worried about this, people get harmed all the time, we wouldn't be able to live our lives if we were distraught for every single one of them.

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Hi @Savy, welcome to the forums.  I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now, I hope your time here can help with that.

First thing, though the term gets thrown around a lot, there really is no such thing as "harm OCD", just OCD.  Your fears and feelings are obviously genuine, and many people with OCD struggle with thoughts about harming themselves or others, its true, but they don't have a specific type of OCD, they just happen to have a particular focus at that time.  The reality is OCD is OCD is OCD.  Now, you haven't done anything wrong by refering to it as "harm OCD", lots of people do, and they mean well.  The trouble is by trying to think of it as a specific "type" they can get caught with focusing only on beating that "type" rather than beating OCD as a whole.  If their fear shifts they often feel lost because now its a different "type" of OCD.  The good news is if you learn how to respond to OCD it won't matter what the details of your fear is, you'll be able to handle any of it.  The most important thing you can do is to pursue Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT.  Preferablly this is with the direct help of a mental health professional, such a therapist or psychiatrist, but it can even be done using self help books.  You'll find information on both on the main OCD-UK site.  I highly encourage you to visit it and look at all the great information there on treatment.

Ok, now to your post:
 

On 07/08/2020 at 04:04, Savy said:

I used to be so scared of going insane and hurting people. The anxiety made it all feel so real like I could snap at any moment. I would even do compulsions like surpress bad thoughts, google stuff and avoid anything to do with harm. This all happened because I was such a caring and compassionate kid, right?

I have no doubt you are caring an compassionate, but the reason you felt the way you did, the anxiety you had, etc. is because of OCD.  There are lots of people in the world who are caring and compassionate (and many who aren't sadly) but they don't all get OCD.  Why?  Because OCD is a malfunction in our brains.  Some people have it, some don't.  We aren't really sure why yet.  There is at least a partial genetic component, but the exact nature of the malfunction is still an area of a lot of research.  You have OCD the same way someone else might have asthma or sickle cell anemia or type-1 diabetes.  Its just bad luck.  

Lets take two people, you and Bob.  Bob doesn't have OCD, you do.  You and Bob both have the same thought: "What if I go insane and hurt someone".  Who knows where it came from.  Maybe it was a plot line in a book or a movie.  Maybe it is just a random thought.  Doesn't matter.  You both had the the thought.  Here's a rough sketch of what happens.

Bob's brain: "What if i go crazy and hurt people"..well i've never done it before, and most people don't do it, so its probably pretty unlikely it'll happen, i'm 99.99% sure that I won't, lets go on with our day.

Thats it, Bob's brain analyzed the situation, recognized that the risk was low (not zero, just low) and moved on.  Thats how non-OCD brains work.

Here's what happens in your brain.

Savy's brain: "What if I go crazy and hurt people" ...well I've never done it before and most people dont do it, so its pretty unlikely it'll happen, i'm 99.99% sure that I won't....but what about that 0.01%?  What if I do?  Shouldn't I be absolutely certain?  It would be awful if i hurt someone.  I must be certain....

OCD demands certainty, ABSOLUTE certainty.  Which is impossible.  Instead of accepting that 99.99% (or whatever percent for the situation), your brain gets stuck, it thinks that you MUST be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN OR ELSE.  And because you don't feel the relief or release of moving on like Bob's brain does, it creates a cycle of anxiety.  You don't feel certain so your brain assumes the problem is "real", and because the problem is "real" you feel less certain, which makes the problem seem even more "real", which causes you more doubt and anxiety, etc. etc.  It sucks, its a vicious loop.  But the problem isn't you are a bad person, its that you have a malfunction in your brain on how you handle uncertainty in some situations.  Where a non-OCD person can shrug and move on, you continue to feel doubt, and doubt is something we don't like.  It throws a monkey wrench in how you handle the situation, which causes more doubt, its a vicious cycle.  Fortunately you can break that cycle using CBT (and possibly medication).

 

On 07/08/2020 at 04:04, Savy said:

One day back in 2015 I just switched and felt depressed and I haven't really been the same since. Honestly, I still have the thoughts but instead of doing or feeling like I used to, I just ruminate on quesions like "why does it matter if someone dies if they won't remember or feel it afterwards" and it bugs the hell out of me and I end up getting all depressed cause I can't find the awnser.

Its not uncommon for people with OCD to also struggle with depression, after all you are dealing with a very serious and painful problem, one thats disrupting your life and causing you a lot of distress.  Its pretty understandable you'd feel lost with that going on, especially if you haven't been able to find help for dealing with it.  Unfortunately the "can't find the answer" is all part of OCD.  Its telling you you MUST have an answer, you MUST be certain, you MUST find "the truth" in order to move on.  The reality is you don't actually have to do any of that.  You can live your life without answering these questions, many if not all of which are questions without one true answer anyway.  OCD demands you meet impossible goals, but fotunately with CBT and work you can learn to ignore OCD's  demands and get back control of your life.  I know its frustrating, its hard, you are in pain.  Recovery is not a quick fix, it'll take time but its worth it.  Trust me.  I've been where you are, and it sucks, but its not the end.

 

On 07/08/2020 at 04:04, Savy said:

Feels like i've already lost the battle for my sanity or i've become very numb. I know something isn't working right in my head and I really just want to be a good person again.

If you werne't a good person none of this would bother you.  Something isn't working right in your head thanks to OCD, but you can learn to deal with that.  And thanks to neuroplasticity it will literally change how you think when you do.  You definitely have not lost the battle, coming here and asking for help demonstrates that.  You are taking important steps to heal and move forward.  It takes time and work, but you can do it.  It doesn't require magic, or special talent, just dedication and patience/stubbornness.  Hang in there.

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