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Hello everyone, 

I'm really, really sorry for starting a new thread (so soon). I'm just really overwhelmed with anxiety and doubt at the moment. 

I participated in a peer support meeting today where the subject was POCD. A few people shared their stories and talked about their struggles regarding the subject. Halfway through the session I realised that my story was the different one, with the most weird traits. No one else brought up the subject of liking the thoughts/urges/sensations and/or having thoughts on purpose - things that I experience daily and make me wonder who I truly am. I felt so alone and miserable as I couldn't relate to any of the stories shared. From there, my anxiety started increasing and at one moment it reached such a high point that I was fully convinced that I am a paedophile or that I have some sort of sick interest in children (I hate typing this out but I can't ignore and avpid it anymore), and that I'm just hiding under the shadow of OCD, pretending and wanting to see things differently than they actually are. I still am anxious and confused even 4 hours later after the meeting has ended. 

I know that this is not possible, but I am just so tired of trying to figure it out who I am that all I wish is someone could just put a label on me and gave me an answer to all the questions. 

I know I sound like a victim but this is really hard. Why do I have this weird voice inside me that says that I am a paedophile?! Why do I have to like my thoughts and urges?! And, finally, why do I have to have thoughts on purpose?! I don't want any of these things. I hate them as much as I hate what I've become. But they still happen and I can't find an explanation for them.

Also, lately I've been quite numb. I can't seem to cry anymore. I'm experiencing anxiety, disgust, shame and guilt over my thoughts, urges and sensations, but the pain I used to have is gone. However, it seems that I'm more irritated all the time, that I always have something to judge someone about, that I don't like certain things about certain people - and I just can't deal with it as I don't want to be this type of person. I want to be a nice, caring, respectful person. But it seems that there is always something that I don't like or agree with - which I just hate as I didn't use to be like that. So, at the end of the day I can only realise thay I'm getting worse and worse little by little not just by having a terrible brain but also by hurting other people by being rude or ignorant or impatient - which I'm truly, truly sorry for but can't take back or change. 

Again, I'm sorry if I sound like a victim but things are pretty though, and as they are getting out of control I just don't really know what do to. 

I don't even really know what the aim of this post is but thank you for reading this and for being so supportive. 

Edited by Cora
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Hi Cora,

It sounds to me like you have started off with, like many of us, OCD that "fits" the label of being OCD! Sadly though, this can escalate further into severe OCD and twist things so much that the sufferer starts to question that they are actually enjoying the thoughts. I can tell you now, none of us reading what you have written are seeing this though, instead, we see someone that is clearly very anxious!

1 hour ago, Cora said:

And, finally, why do I have to have thoughts on purpose?! I don't want any of these things. I hate them as much as I hate what I've become. But they still happen and I can't find an explanation for them.

Testing perhaps? it is quite common in OCD.

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Also, lately I've been quite numb. I can't seem to cry anymore. I'm experiencing anxiety, disgust, shame and guilt over my thoughts, urges and sensations, but the pain I used to have is gone.

Yep, I have this too! I wondered if it SSRI apathy, but I gather some OCD sufferers are experiencing similar without meds, so I guess it could be yet another symptom of OCD.

 

Happy belated birthday for yesterday!

 

:)   

 

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Hello Cora

It has been some time since I last posted (6 years!) but was drawn again to the forums for a number of reasons related to what I am currently experiencing.

I firstly wanted to thank you for your post. Selfishly, this is because I found great comfort in it, which may sound somewhat bizarre given the agony and pain you so clearly describe. I have had OCD for so long (I'm in my mid 30s and can trace it back to about the age of 10) that it has morphed and escalated (as felix4 says above) into something out of all recognition from what I used to think OCD could be labelled and from what others would often write about their experiences. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. If nothing else I hope this is of at least a little comfort to you, too, that your experience (no matter what you feel or what you are prone to believe/doubt) is a shared experience, at the very least with me.

I wish I could download my thinking and brain space (for want of a better term) and let you see just how similar we are in the things you have written. Hand on heart, I could have written every single word of your post - even down to the apologies.

You may feel alone but you are not. I'm with you, and I take comfort that I am not alone as you have been brave enough to put in words what you experience.

In relation to the questions you ask, I wish I had the answers too, I really do. One thing I can say is that the ultimate reason will be found in the fact that our thinking is so mixed up and messed up, entangled with mis-firing, mis-directed feelings/urges/emotions and combined with faulty beliefs that the outcome will necessarily be the confusing, contradictory and anxiety creating things you mention.

In terms of thinking thoughts on purpose, I can only speak for myself and say that testing (in one form or another) is the main reason for this. And as for the numbness, irritability, loss of empathy, lack of patience - I hear you and can only assume this is experienced by many people who struggle with OCD beyond ourselves, but I know that doesn't help to deal with the guilt it can bring.

I'm sorry if all I can is that you are genuinely not alone, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

 

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9 hours ago, felix4 said:

Hi Cora,

It sounds to me like you have started off with, like many of us, OCD that "fits" the label of being OCD! Sadly though, this can escalate further into severe OCD and twist things so much that the sufferer starts to question that they are actually enjoying the thoughts. I can tell you now, none of us reading what you have written are seeing this though, instead, we see someone that is clearly very anxious!

Testing perhaps? it is quite common in OCD.

Yep, I have this too! I wondered if it SSRI apathy, but I gather some OCD sufferers are experiencing similar without meds, so I guess it could be yet another symptom of OCD.

 

Happy belated birthday for yesterday!

 

:)   

 

Thank you so much, @felix4, for your reply and help! I appreciate it so much. 

I'm really, really sorry to disappoint you but unfortunately the thougths on purpose don't happen just when testing. They also happen at random times for no apparent reason. It drives me mad. I would probably be okay with if it happened once or twice but it happend so many times that I've lost the count ages ago.

Again, I'm really sorry to disappoint you, I really wish I weren't like this; I don't understand why I'm having disgsuting thoughts on purpose when I really don't want them. 

Once again, thank you! 

Edited by Cora
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3 hours ago, arthur said:

Hello Cora

It has been some time since I last posted (6 years!) but was drawn again to the forums for a number of reasons related to what I am currently experiencing.

I firstly wanted to thank you for your post. Selfishly, this is because I found great comfort in it, which may sound somewhat bizarre given the agony and pain you so clearly describe. I have had OCD for so long (I'm in my mid 30s and can trace it back to about the age of 10) that it has morphed and escalated (as felix4 says above) into something out of all recognition from what I used to think OCD could be labelled and from what others would often write about their experiences. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. If nothing else I hope this is of at least a little comfort to you, too, that your experience (no matter what you feel or what you are prone to believe/doubt) is a shared experience, at the very least with me.

I wish I could download my thinking and brain space (for want of a better term) and let you see just how similar we are in the things you have written. Hand on heart, I could have written every single word of your post - even down to the apologies.

You may feel alone but you are not. I'm with you, and I take comfort that I am not alone as you have been brave enough to put in words what you experience.

In relation to the questions you ask, I wish I had the answers too, I really do. One thing I can say is that the ultimate reason will be found in the fact that our thinking is so mixed up and messed up, entangled with mis-firing, mis-directed feelings/urges/emotions and combined with faulty beliefs that the outcome will necessarily be the confusing, contradictory and anxiety creating things you mention.

In terms of thinking thoughts on purpose, I can only speak for myself and say that testing (in one form or another) is the main reason for this. And as for the numbness, irritability, loss of empathy, lack of patience - I hear you and can only assume this is experienced by many people who struggle with OCD beyond ourselves, but I know that doesn't help to deal with the guilt it can bring.

I'm sorry if all I can is that you are genuinely not alone, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

 

Thank you so much for your reply and kind words, @arthur. I'm happy to hear that my post gave you some comfort, just like yours gave me some comfort, too. But I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling. 

Unfortunately, as I told felix, sometimes I have thoughts on purpose not just when testing, but also at random times for no reason. I'm trying to find an explanation for that but I just can't no matter what. (I'm really sorry to disappoint you, and if you think, now that I've told you this, that I'm a bad person.) 

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply and for letting me know that I'm not alone. 

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I'm really, really sorry to be so persistent and for keep coming back here so often. I'm just really scared and ashamed. I don't know what's going on anymore.

I live with a younger brother, he is 8 years old, and I just felt that I was attracted to him. He was sitting on the sofa in a weird position and when I saw him I really thought that I liked him in a disgusting, perverted way, especially because of the groinal sensation I had. For some reason, I decided to give him a kiss on the cheek and stay next to him for a couple of minutes to see if I was really attracted to him but that that only led to more confussion. I know that what I did was a really bad thing but I just felt so confused. 

I'm really scared and tired of everything. I honestly believe that this is not OCD anymore. It clearly morphed into something inexplicable, monstrous and terrifying. There's just so much proof that this is not OCD that I shouldn't even be here. I wish I were able to push a button and just disappear as this is just too much. 

I'm really sorry. And I apologise for continuously asking for help and for acting like a victim when so many people have it much, much worse than me. Again, I'm sorry. 

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And to make things worse, somehow I just saw a picture (on instagram) of a woman breastfeeding her baby and I felt a really strong arousal (it was clearly not a groinal response). And the arousal is still there, it's not going away. This never happened to me before. I'm so lost and desperate, and all I want is to disappear.

I'm really sorry, I know I am disgusting. 

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Have you tried facing up to the OCD? Rather than becoming frightened everytime the same thought or similar thoughts pop up, how about not responding? Honestly, OCD can be scary, but in reality it's like a load of hot air. Say for 5 mins, try not to react to thoughts. Your anxiety will increase, but it will subside gradually. Try not to push the thoughts away, let them 'float' pass. You can see them for what they are. If you haven't already done so, get yourself some self help books on OCD. 

You're clearly not a terrible person, considering how upset you sound. Go easy on yourself. 

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Cora, you are really pushing into compuldion territory here. Beyond posting a lot, you are dtarting to repeat yourself, going over old territory. This is a sign that you are ignoring what we are saying and cycling through old arguments as to why you are a bad person.

You do not first have to believe your problem is OCD before starting on the road to recovery. You just take a leap of faith and start doing the right things.

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Thank you for your replies, @PolarBear and @Imhotep

I know that it seems that I'm ignoring your replies, but I promise, I'm trying my best. I try to use and listen to your advice but there's always something that seems different (like today's arousal caused by the most weird reason) and I just get stuck. 

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14 hours ago, arthur said:

I'm sorry if all I can is that you are genuinely not alone, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I can't not point out what a beautiful post this was - the whole thing, not just this quote. It made me wanna cry!
 

8 hours ago, Imhotep said:

You're clearly not a terrible person, considering how upset you sound. Go easy on yourself. 

Exactly. Read and reread this @Cora :) 
 

8 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You do not first have to believe your problem is OCD before starting on the road to recovery. You just take a leap of faith and start doing the right things.

I'm basically just piggybacking on everyone's posts but just because they are all correct. I second this as well. Forget about giving this a name for now and take the advice offered. It will get better if you try, I promise. It's hard as hell, I know you are trying, but keep trying. Try harder. You can do this. Sorry if I sound like a boot-camp person, I just know you can do this if you put your all into it. Everyone here has been through hell with OCD, we get it. Trust us when we say it can and will get better if you stop engaging with your thoughts xo

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@Cora as an afterthought, even though it's been mentioned, your anxiety will be off it's rocker when you first start this process. But don't worry, it WILL dissipate! And as time goes on, it gets easier and easier.

Very best wishes, I believe in you!

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On 07/08/2020 at 14:07, PolarBear said:

I know, Cora. I know.

I'll keep reminding you that sll these instances are really the same thing. One day,, you'll notice it on your own. That will be a breakthrough. 

Thank you so much for your reply ! 

Edited by Cora
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19 hours ago, hazydaze said:

I can't not point out what a beautiful post this was - the whole thing, not just this quote. It made me wanna cry!
 

Exactly. Read and reread this @Cora :) 
 

I'm basically just piggybacking on everyone's posts but just because they are all correct. I second this as well. Forget about giving this a name for now and take the advice offered. It will get better if you try, I promise. It's hard as hell, I know you are trying, but keep trying. Try harder. You can do this. Sorry if I sound like a boot-camp person, I just know you can do this if you put your all into it. Everyone here has been through hell with OCD, we get it. Trust us when we say it can and will get better if you stop engaging with your thoughts xo

 

19 hours ago, hazydaze said:

@Cora as an afterthought, even though it's been mentioned, your anxiety will be off it's rocker when you first start this process. But don't worry, it WILL dissipate! And as time goes on, it gets easier and easier.

Very best wishes, I believe in you!

Thank you so much, @hazydaze! I really appreciate your kind help and words. It means a lot to me! 

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On 07/08/2020 at 12:37, Cora said:

And to make things worse, somehow I just saw a picture (on instagram) of a woman breastfeeding her baby and I felt a really strong arousal (it was clearly not a groinal response). And the arousal is still there, it's not going away. This never happened to me before. I'm so lost and desperate, and all I want is to disappear.

I'm really sorry, I know I am disgusting. 

I've been feeling much better in regards to this. 

However, there's one more thing. I'm really ashamed and scared to share this, but after I had the very strong arousal I had the need to relieve myself (again, I'm sorry). I know (well, not entirely unfortunately) that I didn't do it to the photo but to the sensations, and because of that I was able to move on and calm down yesterday. Unfortunately, today I'm contemplating whether I did it because of the photo or the sensations. There are moments when I know for sure that having the sensations/arousal was the reason for doing it, but there are also moments when I doubt it very much. Do you think this is OCD? 

In addition, I have the urge to replay the moment and understand why and how it happend. Unfortunately, it brings back all the sensactions I felt yesterday and it makes everything confusing. 

I really want to believ that this is OCD but I'm unsure. 

Thank you for reading this. And I appreciate your kindness and patience with me. I appreciate so, so much! 

Edited by Cora
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Well, you just said things are going better, BUT you've got just one more problem. Translate that into, you want more reassurance. 

And tomorrow there will be another but, followed by another but...

With all the obsessions you've told us, how many times have we said, oh wow that's disgusting, you have a real problem! So, what fo you think we'd say about this one?

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2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Well, you just said things are going better, BUT you've got just one more problem. Translate that into, you want more reassurance. 

And tomorrow there will be another but, followed by another but...

With all the obsessions you've told us, how many times have we said, oh wow that's disgusting, you have a real problem! So, what fo you think we'd say about this one?

Thank you for your reply and for being so patient with me, @PolarBear

To answer your question, I probably would like to hear that I don't have a real problem. But that's just a wish I guess. I mean, maybe I actually don't, but unfortuntely I can't see that with my own eyes. I do, however, see that I really need to stop all this mess as it's so, so hard to cope with, but I just don't know how because every time it hits harder. 

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I understand. What you need to understand is that the reason your obsessions are striking more often and harder is solely because you react to the thoughts by freaking out and doing compulsions. 

The more compulsions you do, the more the obsessions come back. And the more you feel anxiety and doubt.

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23 hours ago, Cora said:

I really want to believ that this is OCD but I'm unsure. 

Well why not try it out? Believe as if you have OCD and work through the appropriate treatment options. CBT, ERP, mindfulness, etc. There's nothing to say that the OCD has the final word. If it fights back, stand your ground, you are in charge of the situation and the meanings you can provide, not the OCD. It feeds off your doubts and fears.

Edited by Imhotep
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Thank you for your help, @PolarBear and @Imhotep !

I do want to take a leap of faith and try to treat this as OCD. However, the amount of times I tried to do so it hit ten times stronger. In addition, I've always had the question and doubt in my head 'Do I still have OCD when this feels so real?'. It's very hard to not freak out and to move on as nothing is happening but the realiness and the guilt are just too much. But I guess I just need to try harder. 

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Hi Cora

OCD can make one feel very lonely. You're not to be blamed. I find after a while, every person's personal OCD just gets them so deeply entrenched and it can be hard to remember that there are others who suffer just as we do. I remember reading in Matt Haig's book Reasons To Stay Alive that we are all human; there's nothing wrong with us. What we feel is human emotion and you, don't forget, have OCD. And you clearly wouldn't be beating yourself up about this so much if you didn't care. I can tell from here you're not the bad person you believe yourself to be although I realise your brain isn't going to get the memo. But you're not the only one who feels like this, I'll bet.

You've got a massive support network and we all love you. All the best to you. :hug:

C x

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