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Struggling after keeping it in check for years x


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Hi Guys

Ive had OCD since I was about 8, and I first got involved with OCDUK when it first started,  seems so long ago now. I haven’t accessed any support or even considered it for a long time, because it has been copeable.

Anyway it’s there every day as we all know, just in different levels of loudness if you know what I mean. The last few months it’s really got very difficult. Things aren’t good with my husband at all and haven’t been for a while, that’s a different story but basically I can’t get out of how it is at the minute.

We were sitting outside last night with the kids and I went to shut the windows in the lounge before bedtime . Like I said I’m having a really hard time at the minute with it and as much as I know it’s pointless and looks ridiculous, I just couldn’t shut the bloody windows one time. It had to be in an even number, and then it didn’t feel right so I did it again. Probably ended up about 8 times. 
 

Anyway I went back outside and he made some comment about it which I’m sure he thought was hilarious but it really took me by surprise and I must have looked upset, because my sons looked at me and gave me a cuddle, so I ignored what he said and went to bed.

then this morning,  he had a go about it and also bcos I didn’t get dressed straight after getting out of the hot tub last night  (had a towel on obvs) and said in a really nasty tone ‘it took you about 5 minutes to close those windows’. 

I was a bit taken aback so just said I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t help it and felt so sad. Why does he have to be so nasty? His tone makes me so sad and I feel awful now today already. I can’t wait to go to work for a bit soon.

I know OCD is ridiculous, it makes me feel ridiculous when I listen to it. But sometimes, like at the minute, I don’t feel strong or brave enough to ignore it and I’m just finding it really hard.

Ive had CBT years ago, I know all the techniques and ways to cope with it, as we all probably do. But sometimes none of them work in my head and I just can’t cope with him using it as a way to be nasty xx

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Hi Parkysam,

Sorry you're going through a rough time :( I'm sure many of us can relate to the comings and goings of the intensity of OCD. Sorry it's at a not-great place right now.

That's too bad too that you're feeling really unsupported by your husband--I'm sure that doesn't make things any easier!

14 hours ago, parkysam said:

I know OCD is ridiculous, it makes me feel ridiculous when I listen to it. But sometimes, like at the minute, I don’t feel strong or brave enough to ignore it and I’m just finding it really hard.

I can really relate to that presently!

Have you thought about doing a bit of a refresher course of your CBT, or just starting a formal hierarchy? That's what I do when I find myself slipping. I pull out my old self-help for OCD books, start re-reading it all, start the hierarchies and usually it really helps to get me back on track.

I actually just started a new hierarchy myself and posted about it here as I feel like I need to get myself back on track a bit after Covid struck!

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Hi PS

I'm so sorry you've been struggling and I'm sorry your husband hasn't been understanding and for his nastiness. That sounds horrible! I'm sorry you weren't getting the support you deserved. Don't dismiss yourself as ridiculous; it always makes sense in our heads and then we say it out loud and we realise it's the OCD making us tangle things up together. You are being strong and brave; you're raising children and dealing with this, and that's more than I could manage.

If it's any consolation, I had a really horrible summer and felt like a kid again with my OCD because it was all too much. I had a lot of support from my family but my stepbrother told me at one point to get a routine going and stop feeling sorry for myself. It was meant kindly but it made me feel more alone than ever. I have tried to remember all the CBT I was taught years ago but I'm on antidepressants now, as well. I know how hard it is.

Be kind to yourself, and be gentle with yourself. You have support here and you're doing brilliantly. We love you. ❤️ :hug: 

C x

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Hi there parkysam :)

It sounds like you're really having a hard time at the moment but it's good to see you've had some lovely replies so far. I know what you mean that OCD makes you feel ridiculous, it does, but that doesn't mean that we are ridiculous. It's always important to remember that this is a terrible condition that causes so much suffering and if it was so easy to ignore, we just would!

It might be worth looking into accessing treatment for your OCD again because it sounds like you have struggled for a long time even if at times it hasn't affected your life as much. You can access CBT either via a referral from your GP or if you're in England you can self-refer to your local IAPT. If you need help finding your local IAPT then I can help you with that.

It must be really hard having your husband make comments that are hurtful. Could you perhaps explain to him why such comments are hurtful and tell him that if he could be a little more patient, then you might find it a little easier to cope and fight back against your OCD?

All the best

Gemma

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