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3 hours ago, Cora said:

Okay, here goes: I would like you to know that I sincerely believe the all I've confessed so far is not a false product of my memory. I know that you may think that because of my high anxiety and because I keep revisiting the moment, there is a great chance that my memory is playing with me, but that's not true, I remember what happened. I honestly wish this were the case where I don't remember exactly what happened and just let it go. Okay, now I'm done. I don't think there is anything else to add.

I didn't think that your memory was playing tricks with you or that the details were a false product of your memory. I believe that everything you say happened has indeed happened and yet that doesn't change my opinion about the situation, or of you for that matter, a single bit.

3 hours ago, Cora said:

All your words and kindness made me think that I deserve to move on, especially that I can't change the past, what is done is done.

I'm sorry to say Cora but I think this is the wrong approach and will inevitably get you into this bad place again. When you say "I can't change the past, what is done is done" implies that you have indeed done something wrong and that you are trying to forgive yourself and, perhaps, that you want to be careful so that it doesn't happen again. Your attitude should be that you were in a normal situation that OCD has twisted and that you will keep interacting with your cousin and your brother and not be careful or watch your behaviour. You shouldn't move them away from you every time you have a thought, sensation, feelings of pleasure or anything else.

So it's not really the case of "what is done is done" because nothing has been done.

I'm not sure how to teach you how to move on other than to say, as everyone says, that you have to take a leap of faith and just do it. I think that the process of overcoming anxiety is painful because you have to force yourself to endure the unpleasant feelings without doing compulsions. I think maybe that could be a starting point for you, trying to reduce or delay some of your compulsions. You ruminate SO much, that one is very strong. You are convinced that you are a bad person and need people to tell you that you aren't bad. You try to avoid situations with your brother/cousin that you think are harmful, like giving them hugs, kisses or whatever when you are having these experiences. Even when you talk about moving on, it's about forgiving yourself for some supposed bad thing you've done. You need to work on all of this and try to reduce it, you need to start to realise that everything you have obsessed over so far have been completely normal and healthy behaviours that you have interpreted as bad.

I think you also have to realise that mental illness is no walk in the park. You underestimate how powerful, all-consuming and realistic the experience is to a sufferer of OCD, as with any other psychological condition.

In my experience, OCD wants to consume you, it wants to take up every living moment of your life and you can't let it. When things were very bad for me, I mainly got through it by throwing myself into things like work. Also talking to friend, spending time with your boyfriend (but not talking about your guilt). This disorder wants to take up all of your attention, focus your mind on other things.

I'm not sure any of this is very helpful, I think it's something that you will learn how to do over time with continued effort and practice.

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18 minutes ago, malina said:

I didn't think that your memory was playing tricks with you or that the details were a false product of your memory. I believe that everything you say happened has indeed happened and yet that doesn't change my opinion about the situation, or of you for that matter, a single bit.

I'm sorry to say Cora but I think this is the wrong approach and will inevitably get you into this bad place again. When you say "I can't change the past, what is done is done" implies that you have indeed done something wrong and that you are trying to forgive yourself and, perhaps, that you want to be careful so that it doesn't happen again. Your attitude should be that you were in a normal situation that OCD has twisted and that you will keep interacting with your cousin and your brother and not be careful or watch your behaviour. You shouldn't move them away from you every time you have a thought, sensation, feelings of pleasure or anything else.

So it's not really the case of "what is done is done" because nothing has been done.

I'm not sure how to teach you how to move on other than to say, as everyone says, that you have to take a leap of faith and just do it. I think that the process of overcoming anxiety is painful because you have to force yourself to endure the unpleasant feelings without doing compulsions. I think maybe that could be a starting point for you, trying to reduce or delay some of your compulsions. You ruminate SO much, that one is very strong. You are convinced that you are a bad person and need people to tell you that you aren't bad. You try to avoid situations with your brother/cousin that you think are harmful, like giving them hugs, kisses or whatever when you are having these experiences. Even when you talk about moving on, it's about forgiving yourself for some supposed bad thing you've done. You need to work on all of this and try to reduce it, you need to start to realise that everything you have obsessed over so far have been completely normal and healthy behaviours that you have interpreted as bad.

I think you also have to realise that mental illness is no walk in the park. You underestimate how powerful, all-consuming and realistic the experience is to a sufferer of OCD, as with any other psychological condition.

In my experience, OCD wants to consume you, it wants to take up every living moment of your life and you can't let it. When things were very bad for me, I mainly got through it by throwing myself into things like work. Also talking to friend, spending time with your boyfriend (but not talking about your guilt). This disorder wants to take up all of your attention, focus your mind on other things.

I'm not sure any of this is very helpful, I think it's something that you will learn how to do over time with continued effort and practice.

I have to echo these sentiments and hope you can see through the OCD fog and see this as exactly what you need to do and where you are falling in the OCD trap.

I am unsure if this has been said before but I think you perhaps need to look at going to your dr for a referral for CBT as you could do with some help in terms of seeing the thoughts you are having. The urges, sensations etc are all part of OCD. It is why I think it is one of the most debilitating disorders there is. 

 

I was in your shoes about 15 years ago and I let it consume me and I don't want that to happen to others. Take it a step at a time, seek help, get a book and read about OCD, read what others have experienced and understand that it's all part of the same monster.  Just because your intrusive thoughts are ever so slightly different from someone else's doesn't mean it isn't all part of the same monster so don't let that trigger you. We are all different beings and our minds work in different ways however when I read others experience with OCD i can see a hell of a lot similarities which further proves it is all a part of the same beast.

 

Sorry if that hasn't been much help as I understand it's all a lot to take it but know we've all been there, had every thought possible at every angle. Its about recognising what it is and not giving the thought a meaning by conversing with it. 

You can pull through this ?

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8 hours ago, malina said:

I didn't think that your memory was playing tricks with you or that the details were a false product of your memory. I believe that everything you say happened has indeed happened and yet that doesn't change my opinion about the situation, or of you for that matter, a single bit.

I'm sorry to say Cora but I think this is the wrong approach and will inevitably get you into this bad place again. When you say "I can't change the past, what is done is done" implies that you have indeed done something wrong and that you are trying to forgive yourself and, perhaps, that you want to be careful so that it doesn't happen again. Your attitude should be that you were in a normal situation that OCD has twisted and that you will keep interacting with your cousin and your brother and not be careful or watch your behaviour. You shouldn't move them away from you every time you have a thought, sensation, feelings of pleasure or anything else.

So it's not really the case of "what is done is done" because nothing has been done.

I'm not sure how to teach you how to move on other than to say, as everyone says, that you have to take a leap of faith and just do it. I think that the process of overcoming anxiety is painful because you have to force yourself to endure the unpleasant feelings without doing compulsions. I think maybe that could be a starting point for you, trying to reduce or delay some of your compulsions. You ruminate SO much, that one is very strong. You are convinced that you are a bad person and need people to tell you that you aren't bad. You try to avoid situations with your brother/cousin that you think are harmful, like giving them hugs, kisses or whatever when you are having these experiences. Even when you talk about moving on, it's about forgiving yourself for some supposed bad thing you've done. You need to work on all of this and try to reduce it, you need to start to realise that everything you have obsessed over so far have been completely normal and healthy behaviours that you have interpreted as bad.

I think you also have to realise that mental illness is no walk in the park. You underestimate how powerful, all-consuming and realistic the experience is to a sufferer of OCD, as with any other psychological condition.

In my experience, OCD wants to consume you, it wants to take up every living moment of your life and you can't let it. When things were very bad for me, I mainly got through it by throwing myself into things like work. Also talking to friend, spending time with your boyfriend (but not talking about your guilt). This disorder wants to take up all of your attention, focus your mind on other things.

I'm not sure any of this is very helpful, I think it's something that you will learn how to do over time with continued effort and practice.

Thank you, @malina! Thank you so much! Of course this is helpful. I just need to try harder.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I guess this is going to be a long and painful process. But I have to do it. 

Once again, thank you for everything! 

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8 hours ago, Laura86 said:

I have to echo these sentiments and hope you can see through the OCD fog and see this as exactly what you need to do and where you are falling in the OCD trap.

I am unsure if this has been said before but I think you perhaps need to look at going to your dr for a referral for CBT as you could do with some help in terms of seeing the thoughts you are having. The urges, sensations etc are all part of OCD. It is why I think it is one of the most debilitating disorders there is. 

 

I was in your shoes about 15 years ago and I let it consume me and I don't want that to happen to others. Take it a step at a time, seek help, get a book and read about OCD, read what others have experienced and understand that it's all part of the same monster.  Just because your intrusive thoughts are ever so slightly different from someone else's doesn't mean it isn't all part of the same monster so don't let that trigger you. We are all different beings and our minds work in different ways however when I read others experience with OCD i can see a hell of a lot similarities which further proves it is all a part of the same beast.

 

Sorry if that hasn't been much help as I understand it's all a lot to take it but know we've all been there, had every thought possible at every angle. Its about recognising what it is and not giving the thought a meaning by conversing with it. 

You can pull through this ?

Thank you, @Laura86! Your kind help and words mean a lot to me, I really appreciate that! Thank you! 

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After feeling a bit calmer in regards to this issue I thought I would be okay for at least a few days. 

I was wrong. I was completely wrong. I just had an immense urge to hurt my brother. He wanted to sleep in my bed (I don't know why but he likes it) and I agreed to that (after a lot of no's). Immediately after that I was bombarded with thoughts and urges. The worst part is yet to come. The urge felt like a desire. And no matter how hard I fight it and try to tell myself that I don't want such things, it all seems a lie, it seems that I truly want it. (He ended up sleeping in his own bed, so that was a win for me.)

Well, there you go. I honestly have no reason to be alive anymore, as stupid as this sounds. I've honestly had enough. I am sick and tired of feeling like a monster. I sound dramatic but I couldn't be more honest than this. 

I'm not expecting replies. But thank you for reading another complaint, one of the hundreds I've posted. 

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Get an obsession.

Post about it.

Post self deprecating comments.

Get encouraging replies.

Feel better

Get an obsession.

Post about it.

Post self deprecating comments. 

Get encouraging replies.

Feel better.

Get an obsession.

Post about it.

Post self deprecating com...

Let us know when you're tired of this merry-go-round. 

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8 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Get an obsession.

Post about it.

Post self deprecating comments.

Get encouraging replies.

Feel better

Get an obsession.

Post about it.

Post self deprecating comments. 

Get encouraging replies.

Feel better.

Get an obsession.

Post about it.

Post self deprecating com...

Let us know when you're tired of this merry-go-round. 

Yes, I understand. 

I am sorry. I feel bad for posting this. 

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What I'm going to do next will probably make you not want to help me anymore, which is understandable. 

As I said last night, I was much calmer in regards to the initial post. I was calm because I knew I received so much help and that I could trust your words and move on, or at least just give it a go. I was fine until this morning. I was in bed, probably ruminating over the thought-urge thing I had last night, and decided to go just for one second to the incident that happened with my baby cousin. And that was enough for me to be where I am now - stressed and anxious again. Just was second was enough! 

The reason for feeling stressed and anxious again is because now I believe that when I stood up (his feet were still on my pelvic area) I did it very, very slowly so I could enjoy the groinal sensation. I don't know if this is a true memory or a false one, but I know it makes me wonder what kind of human I am anymore. I tried to tell myself 'Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, this won't change anything now' but evidently it made me even more anxious. Because that's not how it works: if I did stand up slowly so I could enjoy the sensation then I just have no limits as a human being, I am no one. 

I don't know how I feel anymore. A part of me is numb because I spent approximately 2 hours crying and harming myself last night (I know, this is dramatic!), but a part of me just wants to throw up and get locked up in a place where I know I won't hurt anyone, and not just for this incident but for everything else I've done, thought and felt. 

I don't know why I keep coming back here. I feel really bad for this as I've received all the help I could ever receive. People will probably say 'well, then don't post anymore' but it's just not that easy. I can't talk to anyone else (except you) about this. I wish I were able to open myself up and discuss this with my parents but I just can't. 

I'm in a lot of pain and I just realised that it's going to be like this forever for me. Anytime I'll go back, I'll come up with new devastating stuff. As stupid and dramatic this sounds, I'm contemplating suicide because there's no point in carrying on if this gets worse. 

Anyway, I'll stop here. I want to thank you for everything you've done for me. I don't have enough words to describe how much that means to me. And, as I've said before, I completely understand if you don't want to help me anymore. 

And, as always, I'm sorry. 

(Edit: 5 minutes later after I posted this. I am now a 100% sure that I only stood up slowly so I could enjoy the sensation. I just can't...) 

Edited by Cora
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I just want to add that I do want to recover. I want to recover so much. I hate being so miserable. But it seems that whenever I try and be positive, there's always something worse that's hitting me with greater power than what had hit me before that. I don't know how much pain I can take. And now with this new memory I feel like this is the end of my days. 

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11 minutes ago, felix4 said:

Hi Cora,

Forgive me if you have already answered before, but have you ever had any of the following?

  • CBT
  • A psychiatrist
  • Medication for OCD

Hi Felix,

I have not had CBT. I have however seen 2 therapists. The first therapist was really good but what we were doing wasn't enough for me so I decided to see someone else. Unfortunately, due to unpredictable financial issues I had to end my sessions with the second therapist; my last session was 2 days ago. I have however contacted the IAPT team so I will hopefully be put on a waiting list soon - I am expecting a call from them next Thursday. The waiting list can be as long as 8 months so that is going to be a bit of a struggle for me, but I would rather wait for a longer period of time than not receiving help at all. 

I had medication. I took fluoxetine for approximately 7 months but because I wasn't consistent with it, and because it was hardly having any good effects I decided to stop taking it. 

I would also like to add that I have an official diagnosis of OCD from a psychiatrist. But of course I even doubt that. 

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I know I don't deserve help anymore but I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe going to the police and confess will make everthing better? I know it probably sounds stupid but I don't think there is another solution except the obvious which for me is suicide. I don't think I can live with this guilt anymore. I don't know how I ended up as a child abuser...

Please can at least anyone tell me if going to the police will help me with all this mess? 

Thank you! 

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Hi Cora, 

I think you seriously need to stop this. I'm also going through something similar to you and have also thought about going to the police. 

Let be realistic here, we've all followed your story and  know that  no body has judged you and can see that you have done NOTHING WRONG. You need to accept this and try to move on. Going to the police won't help you in any way and they will only tell you what everyone else has been telling you that you have done nothing wrong. 

I'm sorry if I come across hard but I feel you need telling. I wish I could take my own advise to be honest with you as I'm stuck in a situation where I feel I have done something such taboo and will lead me to certain fear and punishment. There are times where I feel I can't go on, worrying what my future will be, looking over my shoulder and the fear of loosing everything and everyone. 

You feel you've done something so, so bad and horrible, me too. 

Let's get through this together. We can do it :)

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Hi @Cora

If you are feeling suicidal, is it worth chatting to someone like The Samaritans for some guidance on that aspect of how you're feeling at the moment? Get some additional support and care with that aspect of everything you are facing and the chance to talk about how you feel with someone to listen?

I spoke to the Samaritans once - was really scary - but it also really helped me in that moment to get everything out that I was feeling, without being or feeling judged/shamed etc.

I bet there would be so many people who would be devastated if you gave up - stay strong, you can get through this.

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3 hours ago, Cora said:

Hi Felix,

I have not had CBT. I have however seen 2 therapists. The first therapist was really good but what we were doing wasn't enough for me so I decided to see someone else. Unfortunately, due to unpredictable financial issues I had to end my sessions with the second therapist; my last session was 2 days ago. I have however contacted the IAPT team so I will hopefully be put on a waiting list soon - I am expecting a call from them next Thursday. The waiting list can be as long as 8 months so that is going to be a bit of a struggle for me, but I would rather wait for a longer period of time than not receiving help at all. 

I had medication. I took fluoxetine for approximately 7 months but because I wasn't consistent with it, and because it was hardly having any good effects I decided to stop taking it. 

I would also like to add that I have an official diagnosis of OCD from a psychiatrist. But of course I even doubt that. 

Hi Cora,

You really NEED to contact your GP and seek urgent help with this ASAP! Be open with him or her, & tell them about the crying, harming yourself, & talk of suicide! 

Ideally, they will then contact your local mental health team and get the ball rolling with CBT, & so on, and regularly monitor your situation.   

Please take care!

 

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Hi, 

I'm back with a question.

I've calmed down and I'm starting to see things a bit differently (just a tiny bit though, I'm still hurting a lot, and still finding it hard to see what other people see). I know I mentioned that my only option was suicide but unfortunately no matter how much I want to end all of this I don't think I could do it as I know I would hurt my boyfriend, brother and parents (I thought of what @cashewnutsandraisinssaid). 

Well, here comes the question. Now that you know all my darkest secrets of my story, do you think I'm allowed to move on? I'm asking you because I can't find an answer in my head as I still see myself as a terrible person with no morals. I know that this is probably a stupid question, and maybe I should try and figure out my dilemma on my own, but unfortunately, I'm not in a very good state of mind, as you can already tell. 

Many thanks in advance! And once again, thank you for everything you've done for me! 

Edited by Cora
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The question is, are you going to allow yourself to move on? You can't expect us to give you permission to do so. It doesn't work that way.

You do not have to see your situation the way we do. I fully expect you won't see reality for some time. You don't need to believe before you take steps to get past this. You take a leap of faith and you begin. 

It's no different than plastering a smile on your face before going out with family or friends whrn you'd prefer to lay on the couch and mope.

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30 minutes ago, Cora said:

Well, here comes the question. Now that you know all my darkest secrets of my story, do you think I'm allowed to move on? I'm asking you because I can't find an answer in my head as I still see myself as a terrible person with no morals. I know that this is probably a stupid question, and maybe I should try and figure out my dilemma on my own, but unfortunately, I'm not in a very good state of mind, as you can already tell. 

Hi Cora,

No, you are not in a good state of mind and you really need someone in person, via your GP to show you the way out of this!

With regards to your question, there is no yes or no answer without your mind going into overdrive thinking the worst, & you descending deeper down a whole new avenue, & for your sake, I hope nobody does answer either way.

You are in a kind of "double bind" with compulsions! You think that you can see a way out yourself, but all you are doing is playing the OCD game & losing every time! You need someone to show you what is happening, & teach you that that there is another way to deal with all this.

7 hours ago, Cora said:

I dont think calling the GP will change anything, but I will try.

I am sure it will, but you need to be honest and open with them!

Take care.

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Hi Felix, 

Thank you for sticking with me.

I don't want to sound stupid or mean but I'm a bit confused with your answer. I apologise about that.

'With regards to your question, there is no yes or no answer without your mind going into overdrive thinking the worst, & you descending deeper down a whole new avenue, & for your sake, I hope nobody does answer either way.

You are in a kind of "double bind" with compulsions!' (I'm sorry for not qouting this, I forgot the first time, and when I tried the second time I didn't know how to. Apologies for the confusion.) 

Edited by Cora
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Thank you, PolarBear! 

To answer your question: I'll be honest, I want to move on because living with this immense guilt and shame for the rest of my life would be devastating for me, I would have a life of horror, and probably die from too much pain. But at the same time, I'm too scared to allow myself to move on as there are these questions in my head, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but always there, which sound something like this: 'Okay, I move on, I'll try to have a normal life. But what if that's a mistake, and I let something monstrous go (even when I've been told otherwise numerous times)? What if I actually should pay for what I did, but I choose not to?'

So, to sum up, I want to move on but at the same time I don't because I'm scared that's a mistake. 

This is a bit confusing. I'm sorry about that. 

Once again, thank you for your continuous help! 

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2 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, PolarBear! 

To answer your question: I'll be honest, I want to move on because living with this immense guilt and shame for the rest of my life would be devastating for me, I would have a life of horror, and probably die from too much pain. But at the same time, I'm too scared to allow myself to move on as there are these questions in my head, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but always there, which sound something like this: 'Okay, I move on, I'll try to have a normal life. But what if that's a mistake, and I let something monstrous go (even when I've been told otherwise numerous times)? What if I actually should pay for what I did, but I choose not to?'

So, to sum up, I want to move on but at the same time I don't because I'm scared that's a mistake. 

This is a bit confusing. I'm sorry about that. 

Once again, thank you for your continuous help! 

This is why people keep saying that you have to take a "leap of faith". You have OCD, so ff course you're scared that it's a mistake to move on, that is exactly what the disorder wants you to believe. Right now, you won't know for certain and you won't be convinced that it's right, but you just have to somewhat blindly listen to what all these experienced people are telling you and give it a go.

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2 hours ago, Cora said:

Hi Felix, 

Thank you for sticking with me.

I don't want to sound stupid or mean but I'm a bit confused with your answer. I apologise about that.

'With regards to your question, there is no yes or no answer without your mind going into overdrive thinking the worst, & you descending deeper down a whole new avenue, & for your sake, I hope nobody does answer either way.

You are in a kind of "double bind" with compulsions!'

Hi Cora,

Essentially, you are in a debate with your OCD, & you are now asking outsiders to enter this debate too. You see this as a potential fix, but all that you are doing is adding another layer to a compulsion, when really what you should be doing is not engaging in conversation with it. This is where CBT helps show you what is going on, and how to treat it.

Be proactive! Phone your GP at 8.30am Monday morning, and in the meantime write down things that you want to say! 

:)

 

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2 hours ago, felix4 said:

Hi Cora,

Essentially, you are in a debate with your OCD, & you are now asking outsiders to enter this debate too. You see this as a potential fix, but all that you are doing is adding another layer to a compulsion, when really what you should be doing is not engaging in conversation with it. This is where CBT helps show you what is going on, and how to treat it.

Be proactive! Phone your GP at 8.30am Monday morning, and in the meantime write down things that you want to say! 

:)

 

Thank you for the clarification, @felix4. I appreciate it! 

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2 hours ago, malina said:

This is why people keep saying that you have to take a "leap of faith". You have OCD, so ff course you're scared that it's a mistake to move on, that is exactly what the disorder wants you to believe. Right now, you won't know for certain and you won't be convinced that it's right, but you just have to somewhat blindly listen to what all these experienced people are telling you and give it a go.

Thank you, @malina

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