New detail - I'm lost

[Cora]

Hi guys, 

I've talked before about a memory about a real event that happend last summer. It's related to my POCD. 

I'm afraid it's worse than anything else I've ever done and felt, and I really want to confess to the police but I just don't know how. I feel like I'm seconds away from calling them. I can't stop crying as I just realised that I've missed a detail for so long and I haven't mentioned it to my therapist and boyfriend (only they know about the event), thus they don't know the whole story. 

I'm sorry. And I hope I won't be banned from this forum for posting so much and for sharing disgusting stuff. 

[PolarBear]

Okay. You aren't close to being one of the more prolific posters this forum has seen and none of them was ever banned. Counselled to slow down, yes. Banned, never.

You didn't post anything disgusting. You didn't tell us one thing about your obsession. I believe I've told you before that we've heard it all or thought it ourselves. Whatever you think is disgusting, we eould see simply as just another obsession.

You need to know that when it comes to obsessions, your mind is capable of adding little details over time that never happened. Obsessions morph and change as you continually think about them.

[Cora]

Thank you, @PolarBear. 

I haven't shared anything yet but I am going to do it in this post. 

However, before I share this with you, I want you to know that I realise how bad what happened is, and that's why I want to go to the police and confess but I just don't have the courage. I never thought I would hurt a child like this but it happend. And I'm in great pain as I've done something absolutely monstrous. I understand that after sharing this there could be serious consequences for me.

This is what happened:
I was sitting crossed legged on the floor holding my baby cousin (he was 7 months at that time). His legs were touching my pelvic area as he was jumping up and down. I had a groinal sensation. Unfortunately, it seems that I enjoyed the sensation. Normally, if this happens (it happened before with my brother) I move the baby/child away so he/she doesn't touch me in that area and I don't have the sensations anymore.

Well, here comes the crime and I can't apologise enough for it: I didn't move my cousin's legs away, I let them be there. And it lasted for a few seconds. Then I stood up while his legs were still touching me, and I think I did that on purpose. A second later, I realised what happened and I put my cousin on the floor. I don't know what happened with me in those seconds. While I was having the sensation I don't think I realised that it was caused by a child. It seems that is wasn't me - but I guess this is what a child abuser would normally say. I can't believe that I'm saying this but, to sum up, not only I enjoyed a sensation caused my cousin's legs but I also allowed it to be there for longer than ever needed, enjoying it.

I don't think there are enough words for me to describe how disgusted with myself I feel right now - but that doesn't really matter, what matters is that I a committed a terrible crime and I need to be punished for that. 

I apologise.
I understand if your advice is for me to call the police and confess.

I'm really sorry for everything. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by Cora

[felix4]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I apologise.
I understand if your advice is for me to call the police and confess.

I'm really sorry for everything. 

Hi Cora,

Would you take advice if it were to seek medical help, as in, your GP, & get a referral to see a psychiatrist and explain to them what is on your mind, as opposed to police?

From what I am seeing, you appear to be beating yourself up unnecessarily! Like I said in my previous post, OCD can escalate, & become so severe that the suffer, no longer feels that their OCD "fits" the OCD label! It is a bit like adding another layer, which is really where proper intervention is needed! 

From my perspective, you are showing all the classic signs of OCD, such as testing, confessing, reassurance seeking, but having had similar, being verging on psychotic OCD, I think it quite possible you may be viewing things quite differently to what a typical OCD suffer might see.

Please try & take on board what I have said, & also, STOP apologising!

[PolarBear]

Cora, listen to me. Read this carefully and really try to let it sink in.

When I said a few hours ago that we have heard it all, I meant we've heard it all. I've read what you just posted, or variations of it, from other posters at least several times, over the past six years. What happened to you is nothing new.

As for how bad it was, it doesn't rate a score. Take it from me, a guy who suffered for nearly 40 years from pedophile and harm thoughts, that what happened to you was minor. Minor in the real world, but oh so huge in your head.

You had nothing more than an intrusive thought and an intrusive sensation, together. Very normal with sex based obsessions.

NOTHING YOU DID EVEN REMOTELY CONSTITUTES ABUSE.

What is a form of abuse is what you've put yourself through since this happened.  And it's been wholly unnecessary. You deserve no punishment, especially from the legal system, but I know you've been punishing yourself repeatedly about this.

As of right now, you need to stop trying to convince us you are disgusting. It's a form of self punishment. You also do it because you expect us to agree that you are what you say,  because your mind says it every day.

Your mind is wrong. OCD always lies. It never tells the truth.

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @PolarBear and @felix4! 

I was so scared and ashamed to post this but now I think that talking about it has helped me as it was holding me back. 

Thank you so much for your great help and for not judging me! (I know you never did and won't judge anyone but my brain was saying otherwise.) And thank you for being so kind to me! 

I will try and move on. I think it's probably time. 

Once again, thank you! 

[Cora]

18 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You had nothing more than an intrusive thought and an intrusive sensation, together. Very normal with sex based obsessions

I'm sorry, polarbear, I just have one question. I know I shouldn't ask it but I really, really need to do it. 

Do you think that this is my OCD trying to make me worry more than I should because now I'm focused on this part of your reply, and I can't get out my head the thought that you maybe didn't read the whole text, and maybe you didn't see the worst part of it, which is that I let my cousin's legs be on my pelvic area on purpose (again, I'm sorry) and didn't move them straight away? 

I promise, I'm not trying to be rude or mean. I really appreciate all your help and all the time you spend, trying to support and guide me. But I'm stuck again. 

I am frustrated very much with myself for having this constant need to post and ask for reassurance, so I completely understand if you are too frustrated with me. 

Once again, thank you for everything, @PolarBear and @felix4! It means so, so much to me! 

Edited August 11, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

I read your whole post.

What you just wrote is common with sufferers. They come back and say, he didn't understand, or I should have explained it better.

I understand just fine. I stick to my words. 

[Cora]

Thank you, polarbear!

This is probably too much to share but today has been really hard. I've been bombarded with so much guilt and shame, and I can't seem to get out of it. I would like to know if you have any advice for me, please. I don't know if this guilt is justified or not (it probably is) but it's so consuming and terrifying, and it's stopping me from doing anything, literally anything. 

Thank you again! I appreciate it! 

[PolarBear]

I thought I made it obvious previously that you have nothing to feel guilty or shameful of. Apparently it wasn't obvious but now it is.

The only reason you feel bad right now is not that you did anything wrong, but that you won't let this go. You're keeping it alive with compulsions, notably ruminating.

[malina]

On 10/08/2020 at 13:40, Cora said:

Normally, if this happens (it happened before with my brother) I move the baby/child away so he/she doesn't touch me in that area and I don't have the sensations anymore.

Hey Cora,

I'd just like the point out that this is another major compulsion you're doing here and I've noticed this in some of your issues with your brother too. By making sure you move the baby/child out of the way, you are teaching your brain that these thoughts/sensations are dangerous, you are allowing your brain to take them seriously. So as a consequence, this reinforces them and the thoughts will come more and more often, as they do.

What is inherently wrong about a baby's feet resting on your pelvic area? It happens sometimes, should every mother panic and immediately move her baby away when it does this?

The way to recover from OCD is to make your brain understand that these thoughts are meaningless, but this can't happen until you stop treating them as meaningful. You have to do this through your behaviour. It's not enough for us to tell you that you haven't done anything shameful, you have to stop acting like you have. So that means you can't just avoid all normal contact with children whenever you have a weird thought or sensation, you can't spend days ruminating about what it all means, and ultimately you shouldn't seek reassurance.

So you have now confessed a few things that to you seemed disgusting and shameful, but to the rest of us seemed like pretty standard OCD. So what does that tell you for next time? Can you start thinking about the types of patterns that are emerging here?

[Cora]

44 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I'd just like the point out that this is another major compulsion you're doing here and I've noticed this in some of your issues with your brother too. By making sure you move the baby/child out of the way, you are teaching your brain that these thoughts/sensations are dangerous, you are allowing your brain to take them seriously. So as a consequence, this reinforces them and the thoughts will come more and more often, as they do.

What is inherently wrong about a baby's feet resting on your pelvic area? It happens sometimes, should every mother panic and immediately move her baby away when it does this?

The way to recover from OCD is to make your brain understand that these thoughts are meaningless, but this can't happen until you stop treating them as meaningful. You have to do this through your behaviour. It's not enough for us to tell you that you haven't done anything shameful, you have to stop acting like you have. So that means you can't just avoid all normal contact with children whenever you have a weird thought or sensation, you can't spend days ruminating about what it all means, and ultimately you shouldn't seek reassurance.

So you have now confessed a few things that to you seemed disgusting and shameful, but to the rest of us seemed like pretty standard OCD. So what does that tell you for next time? Can you start thinking about the types of patterns that are emerging here?

Thank you, @malina! 

I know I'll sound like a broken record and because of that I won't mention it after this anymore, but what I'm scared, ashamed, and guilty for is leaving the baby's legs on my pelvic area because I enjoyed the sensation (again, I don't know why I did such a thing as I would never want to harm anyone intentionally).

I will try and distance from this event, even though I feel more miserable than ever and like I am not allowed to. I have this huge guilt in me which makes everything harder but I will try and listen to you and move on. 

[Cora]

10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I thought I made it obvious previously that you have nothing to feel guilty or shameful of. Apparently it wasn't obvious but now it is.

The only reason you feel bad right now is not that you did anything wrong, but that you won't let this go. You're keeping it alive with compulsions, notably ruminating.

Thank you, @PolarBear! 

Thank you for everything! I trust your words and opinion, and I will try and move on. 

[Cora]

I just want to add that I'm really sorry. I honestly don't know how I ended up here. I am aware I shouldn't be doing/saying this but I truly feel like a monster, especially the more I talk about it. I never wanted to harm my baby cousin. Again, I'm sorry. 

[PolarBear]

Cora, all the apologizing you do is a compulsion. I know your mind is telling you thst you did something awful but OCD lies, all the time. There is no reason to apologize. You did not harm your cousin.

This is an OCD fantasy, with no truth behind it. I've seen it many times. 

[malina]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina! 

I know I'll sound like a broken record and because of that I won't mention it after this anymore, but what I'm scared, ashamed, and guilty for is leaving the baby's legs on my pelvic area because I enjoyed the sensation (again, I don't know why I did such a thing as I would never want to harm anyone intentionally).

I will try and distance from this event, even though I feel more miserable than ever and like I am not allowed to. I have this huge guilt in me which makes everything harder but I will try and listen to you and move on. 

Ok but try to understand that the thoughts, sensations and feeling you enjoy the sensation are all elements of OCD. When you move the baby's feet away, you are saying to yourself that the feeling of enjoyment is a bad thing, hence giving it meaning. What you should do is leave the baby's feet there and allow the feeling of enjoyment to come. I know that it probably seems disgusting and wrong to you, but as I said before, there is nothing inherently wrong with the baby's feet being there. What you think is wrong is the sensation you have and the feeling that you are enjoying it. However, this too isn't wrong, it's just OCD and the only way to move past this is to normalise it, to stop seeing it as wrong. So in reality, the only wrong thing you have done in this situation is believing that the sensation and your sense of pleasure were bad, reacting to the idea that they were bad and doing a compulsion.

I know it's hard, but do you see what I am saying here? The more you react to these experiences, the more often they will come. They will feel pleasurable, they will feel real. You have to just accept it, stop freaking out and stop turning absolutely normal behaviours into something bad.

I also understand that in your mind, you are a bad person and think that you need to protect all these innocent children from yourself. But, trust me, this is so far from reality! The reality is that you need to protect yourself from OCD and its debilitating effects.

Also, I know that you are repeating these details because you think we have misunderstood or not read everything or not understood the core of what you are saying. I don't think there is any danger of people misunderstanding, I think we all get what you are saying and it's very unlikely that one detail will suddenly change everything. So just relax, everyone who is responding and telling you that you've done nothing wrong, does understand what you have described.

Edited August 12, 2020 by malina

[Cora]

Okay, I understand. 

Thank you, @malina and @PolarBear! 

I promise that I've read each of your replies 3 times and I understand what you're saying but I'm still sure that what I did was a terrible thing (wanted to say bad instead but that doesn't describe the whole thing even a bit) as I let the baby's feet stay on my pelvic area on purpose for a few extra seconds (I don't want to say the reason because I'm too ashamed but you know what I'm talking about). 

However, I will try and move on even though I'm broken to pieces and I feel that I don't deserve this (to move on).

Again, I apologise. I'm very ashamed, and the guilt and pain I'm feeling are probably the worst I've ever had but I guess that's a great punishment for what I've done. 

I can't promise I won't be back soon. But please don't be upset with me if I do. I'm struggling a lot and I wish this never happened. 

Again, thank you so much for everything! It means the world to me that you're still here for me even when I'm this low. Thank you! 

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

Hi guys, 

I know this is unacceptable behaviour and I really tried not to do this, but my anxiety is just way too high and I really need to do this to slow it down a bit. 

Okay, here goes: My brain is screaming, literally screaming, at me that I haven't share the story correctly. I went over the initial post twice after my last post and I realised that I made the most important of what happened invisible: I didn't say that I let my baby's cousin rest on my pelvic area on purpose because I enjoyed the sensation in my groinal area. I did it on purpose, guys, I don't know why but I did in on purpose. Especially when I stood up - which is weirder than anything. 

I'm honestly going crazy. I can't do this anymore. I can't take this anymore. This is just way too much. Anything I do now reminds of that and the other incidents with my brother. I'm a monster! This is getting scarier and scarier.

Please, don't hate me. You are the only people that I can talk to. I've already discussed this with my boyfriend and it seemed that I was okay (but apparently I'm not) and I won't be able to open the subject again, and also today was my last session of therapy - so I'm quite alone. I'm really sorry. I sound like a crazy person, I know! 

And the worst part is that I don't even know how to stop this. But I really need it to stop! I It's so, so scary. I wish I just laid in bed and cry but I can't do that. I have all this responsibilities. 

Edited August 12, 2020 by Cora

[cashewnutsandraisins]

Hi @Cora,

I’m fairly new to the forum and I hope you don’t mind me replying to you. I don’t tend to respond much to other posters as I’ve only just found out I *think* I have OCD (waiting to find out if I’ll be given CBT after self referring last week) and because of that I don’t feel I have the knowledge or expertise to hand out advice as it were, when I’m someone who needs the advice really. So whilst I haven’t replied to you before I have followed your posts and your story.

I’m posting now because I can feel how upset you are and I want to reach out.

The two things I want to offer are that
1) I agree with the sentiment said by so many others - you seem so lovely and not the monster your OCD wants you to believe. No matter what else you post or doubts you come back with, what I’ve read already won’t change that opinion. This wouldn’t be affecting you in the way it is if you were even half of what your OCD says.

2) I imagine you probably will come back with another doubt and another doubt and another after that and all the compulsions that follow. I hope not, obviously, but I get it - my OCD makes me question fundamental aspects of who I think I am too - and what I hold dear. Its so hard to take the word of the other forum members when intrisincally you feel deep down, how can they have any idea/know the truth/know more about me than I do. And the only thing I can say - and this is what I’m trying - is you have to take a leap of faith and trust - trust them, their advice and their experience. We are both stuck, both learning and trying to unravel the knots in our mind. Yes, trusting feels awful and scary, but maybe, just maybe it will be the start of a brighter path.

Much love to you, Cora. You will get through this. 

 

 

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by cashewnutsandraisins

[PolarBear]

I figured this was coming. Seen it before.

You are actually expecting us to agree that you are a disgusting person. You expected that just before you wrote that post. Weirdly, you didn't get the response you were expecting. Nope. Told you we've heard it all before. I even told you that you would do this.

So, you're scratching your head, trying to figure out why we don't see what you see. You ruminate like crazy and come up with the answer that you must not have explained it properly!

Nope. Not going to work. 

You are being bombarded by negative thoughts and feelings. It all feels real. Your mind is telling you that you did something awful. You fully expect everyone to agree. That would be devastating, but at least it would confirm that the thoughts and feelings are accurate.

But they're not accurate. They're a lie perpetrated by your own mind. We know that because we all have OCD. We've wizened up. We know the truth.

So it won't matter how many times you explain. We won't agree with you. In fact, now that you've spilled the beans once, we will be encouraging you to NOT explain it anymore. Why? Because confessing (that's what you're doing) is a compulsion and will only make matters worse for you.

Take a leap of faith. We know what's going on.

[malina]

Hey Cora,

we get it, honestly, you don't need to keep explaining what happened. So it was on purpose and so what? I agree with PB, its time to stop repeating this story, otherwise you're going to get into a loop of having to confess different details everyday. Just take some deep breaths, try to do something fun or relaxing to take your mind off this for a while. It's all senseless and not worth any of this time and pain.

[Laura86]

Hi Cora,

 

I have read through all the posts alike @cashewnutsandraisins and not said much as I am unsure I could offer advice as I am dealing with similar worries. Luckily (or I guess unluckily) I have dealt with POCD for 15 years. 

It occurred to me that you sound just like I did when I first started going through it. The confessing you are doing, as said by many is a compulsion.  

Try and see OCD as a monster in your brain, it twists everything and the more you try and work it out the worse it gets. 

At the moment everytime I have an intrusion (mine mostly come as questions if I'm honest rather than vivid images but I can have both) I look at it and say or "you're there" and then move on and don't question it. I try and recognize as an intrusive thought and then leave it there. I have to sit with the anxiety without doing any of my compulsion and that's the key to moving on from this. I know I make it sound simple, quite frankly its hell on earth but I see it as no different than going through the hell of OCD. 

 

Take Care Cora

[Cora]

15 hours ago, cashewnutsandraisins said:

Hi @Cora,

I’m fairly new to the forum and I hope you don’t mind me replying to you. I don’t tend to respond much to other posters as I’ve only just found out I *think* I have OCD (waiting to find out if I’ll be given CBT after self referring last week) and because of that I don’t feel I have the knowledge or expertise to hand out advice as it were, when I’m someone who needs the advice really. So whilst I haven’t replied to you before I have followed your posts and your story.

I’m posting now because I can feel how upset you are and I want to reach out.

The two things I want to offer are that
1) I agree with the sentiment said by so many others - you seem so lovely and not the monster your OCD wants you to believe. No matter what else you post or doubts you come back with, what I’ve read already won’t change that opinion. This wouldn’t be affecting you in the way it is if you were even half of what your OCD says.

2) I imagine you probably will come back with another doubt and another doubt and another after that and all the compulsions that follow. I hope not, obviously, but I get it - my OCD makes me question fundamental aspects of who I think I am too - and what I hold dear. Its so hard to take the word of the other forum members when intrisincally you feel deep down, how can they have any idea/know the truth/know more about me than I do. And the only thing I can say - and this is what I’m trying - is you have to take a leap of faith and trust - trust them, their advice and their experience. We are both stuck, both learning and trying to unravel the knots in our mind. Yes, trusting feels awful and scary, but maybe, just maybe it will be the start of a brighter path.

Much love to you, Cora. You will get through this. 

 

 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and help, @cashewnutsandraisins! It means so, so much to me! 

Thank you! 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, Laura86 said:

Hi Cora,

 

I have read through all the posts alike @cashewnutsandraisins and not said much as I am unsure I could offer advice as I am dealing with similar worries. Luckily (or I guess unluckily) I have dealt with POCD for 15 years. 

It occurred to me that you sound just like I did when I first started going through it. The confessing you are doing, as said by many is a compulsion.  

Try and see OCD as a monster in your brain, it twists everything and the more you try and work it out the worse it gets. 

At the moment everytime I have an intrusion (mine mostly come as questions if I'm honest rather than vivid images but I can have both) I look at it and say or "you're there" and then move on and don't question it. I try and recognize as an intrusive thought and then leave it there. I have to sit with the anxiety without doing any of my compulsion and that's the key to moving on from this. I know I make it sound simple, quite frankly its hell on earth but I see it as no different than going through the hell of OCD. 

 

Take Care Cora

Thank you, @Laura86! I really appreciate your help! 

[Cora]

13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I figured this was coming. Seen it before.

You are actually expecting us to agree that you are a disgusting person. You expected that just before you wrote that post. Weirdly, you didn't get the response you were expecting. Nope. Told you we've heard it all before. I even told you that you would do this.

So, you're scratching your head, trying to figure out why we don't see what you see. You ruminate like crazy and come up with the answer that you must not have explained it properly!

Nope. Not going to work. 

You are being bombarded by negative thoughts and feelings. It all feels real. Your mind is telling you that you did something awful. You fully expect everyone to agree. That would be devastating, but at least it would confirm that the thoughts and feelings are accurate.

But they're not accurate. They're a lie perpetrated by your own mind. We know that because we all have OCD. We've wizened up. We know the truth.

So it won't matter how many times you explain. We won't agree with you. In fact, now that you've spilled the beans once, we will be encouraging you to NOT explain it anymore. Why? Because confessing (that's what you're doing) is a compulsion and will only make matters worse for you.

Take a leap of faith. We know what's going on.

 

11 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

we get it, honestly, you don't need to keep explaining what happened. So it was on purpose and so what? I agree with PB, its time to stop repeating this story, otherwise you're going to get into a loop of having to confess different details everyday. Just take some deep breaths, try to do something fun or relaxing to take your mind off this for a while. It's all senseless and not worth any of this time and pain.

Once again, thank you for all your advice and help, @PolarBear and @malina! I've read your posts last night (I'm sorry for only replying now however) and I was relieved for a moment. All your words and kindness made me think that I deserve to move on, especially that I can't change the past, what is done is done. I went to bed a bit more relaxed and probably a bit happier. I was convinced today I would wake up and make a change, as the past days have been miserable for me and I haven't done anything productive, not even a bit. 

However, I woke up and I realised that I had a new thing to add. But before I let it out I want to say that I realise that this is getting out of hand so this is probably the last time I will confess - I apologise for doing it again even when you've told me that it would be better not to do it, but I feel that if I don't my head and chest are going to explode.

Okay, here goes: I would like you to know that I sincerely believe the all I've confessed so far is not a false product of my memory. I know that you may think that because of my high anxiety and because I keep revisiting the moment, there is a great chance that my memory is playing with me, but that's not true, I remember what happened. I honestly wish this were the case where I don't remember exactly what happened and just let it go. Okay, now I'm done. I don't think there is anything else to add. 

Again, I apologise, I really had to add this, too. I promise, I'm not stupid or inconsiderate. I'm reading your posts every day as they are offering me great help and support, and probably the only thing that keeps me alive and sane, and I understand all you are saying, but if I don't add all these little details, it will just hunt me and make me even more miserable. 

Now that you know everything, I would like to ask for your help in how to move on from this. I swear, the guilt and shame are dragging me in the deepest and most terrible black hole ever. I need to get out of there but I just don't know how. So, what is your advice? How do I let it stay in the past?

It's so painful. All I want is to cry but I can't even do that - the tears won't come out apparently. I have so much work to do but I just don't know how to focus because of the pain and all the other negative feelings. I'm devastated and I'm slowly drowning. Why do I have to be this person?! Why did I have to end up here?! There's no answer for that...

Anyway... Once again, thank you so much for everything! I know I'm a broken record and it seems that I'm not listening to you, but I promise, I do. You've been really wonderful to me, even though I'm one of the most disgusting people on this planet, and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, and I hope you're not too annoyed with me! 

Thank you! 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Cora