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One of the worst days yet


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I am really, really struggling today.

Been in my head most of today ruminating and catastrophizing.

I just feel utter despair and like I want to scream.

Had a very difficult weekend related to the death of a family member a couple of weeks ago and have not slept well the last couple of days which makes me think this might be a part of how bad today has been.

I just can’t stop going over and over in my head about my sexuality OCD - from thoughts about how I can ever be a good aunt to my nieces and tell them that whoever they grow up to be is perfectly ok, when I can’t accept my true self - or fears that I’ve started thinking I’m gay because I’ve also realised I’m unhappy with my boyfriend and we’re not meant to be together to going round and round in my head about an old friend of mine - who - and this is being honest and therefore terrifying - was someone that I did question if I had feelings for - but I can’t work out if I’m confusing my feelings for her. They never felt sexual and it wasn’t because she was a girl. She helped and supported me through a really tough time - and gave me such strong friendship that I don’t know if I was just confusing a profound admiration and respect for her and her kindess. I tried to address my fears around being attracted to her by self-tried ERP - looking at photos, videos etc and it did occur to me that physically she had characteristics that I recognise in my boyfriend (weird I know right,) which was a relief at the time but also now feels confusing.

Oh my god, I just hate my brain. Honestly, before I met my boyfriend I was full of loneliness, self doubt, self loathing and unhappiness.

He has changed my life and a year ago (just before all this stuff started) I had genuinely never felt happier.

and today I feel absolutely gutted, overwhelmed and terrified

Edited by cashewnutsandraisins
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I keep questioning the fact that Ive never dressed particularly girly - and what that means - something which I had always put down more to the lack of self confidence over my weight and size. Wanting to be a more girlier girl but not having the confidence to do so

I even plucked my eyebrows earlier had got quite bushy and found myself feeling sick at the thought of that having a deeper meaning. 

Edited by cashewnutsandraisins
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The reason you are stuck and feeling absolutely terrible, is because you are doing compulsions, likely like crazy.

When sufferers say they're in their head, they usually mean they are ruminating like crazy. You go over questions of your sexuality (obsessions) again and again, and get nowhere. 

You will not find the answers you seek by doing more compulsions. Ruminating more will drag you down further. It will cause more obsessions to pop up, more anxiety, doubt and other negative feelings to thrive.

Forget the ERP for a bit. Work on slowing down your compulsions. Did you realize that when a question about your sexuality pops up in your head you are under no obligation to answer it? It's true. You are allowed to leave it alone and get on with your day.

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Thank you @PolarBear 

Whilst I didn’t realise at the time, I have realised now that writing the post was reassurance seeking/confessing. 

Doing so did help me to feel a lot better last night - almost immediately -, but I’ve also realised I must double down on not posting like that again, as it will just keep the thoughts alive, as I’ve seen you and others advise.

Despite that, thank you very much for your help. I have taken it all your comments onboard - particularly about leaving the ERP alone for the moment and focusing on slowing down compulsions. I’m going to try and imagine the thoughts as a train passing into the station - it’s my choice yo either board the train or to stay on the platform and watch it depart. 

I also took the plunge last week and self referred to IAPT. Had my assessment appointment and now waiting to hear if they will help me with CBT. I am quite frightened about it all, but have come to the conclusion that self-help will only get me so far.
 

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9 hours ago, cashewnutsandraisins said:

I also took the plunge last week and self referred to IAPT. Had my assessment appointment and now waiting to hear if they will help me with CBT.

That is wonderful! I hope you do get good help with CBT. I feel the same way that extra support is very helpful and it's very hard to get us all the way through on just self-help alone.

9 hours ago, cashewnutsandraisins said:

Whilst I didn’t realise at the time, I have realised now that writing the post was reassurance seeking/confessing. 

Doing so did help me to feel a lot better last night - almost immediately -, but I’ve also realised I must double down on not posting like that again, as it will just keep the thoughts alive, as I’ve seen you and others advise.

This is also great awareness! You sound like you are really on track. We all have times when we slip into rituals/reassurance seeking but each time you catch it, the closer you will be to stopping it. 

 

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25 minutes ago, cashewnutsandraisins said:

bit deflated to find out its an eight month wait, but at the very least a step in the right direction - even if feeling deflated at the mo.

Yes I always find the longer waits for getting proper help terrible! I wish there was much more emphasis on letting people access proper CBT!

Anyhow, as you say, an excellent step in the right direction and in the meantime you can continue doing the self-help and getting support here.

28 minutes ago, cashewnutsandraisins said:

I hope you're doing well with all the goals you listed in your other post - you can do it!

Thank you!--just about to post an update :)

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