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Partner won't upon up, won't let me help


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All help welcome!

Hi, 

I have been toying with coming on here and to be honest having read just a few other post comments and the responses, I feel better instantly feel less alone as I can see others as battling like me. My partner has always had some compulsions during our time together or has liked things a certain way which I essentially knew were a hangover from the OCD I think he thought, he had 'squashed down' but I kind of knew would recur as he has never sought treatment for.

My two struggles are as follows: I used to work as a CBT therapist so I understand things from a professional side, I know what we ideally need to do and I have read even more to try to help me to help and understand from a partner's side too as it is so different. However, my partner doesn't want to seek help and I totally get that he may not want to divulge things to me- especially because of what I used to do in many ways. But all I want to do is help, especially when I have the tools. I just don't know what to do. The time he is spending cleaning is increasing, the increased is affecting our lives more and more. He has also reduced what he is eating too which is an additional worry and he has lost a noticeable amount weight which as a slim man he did not need to lose. The professional, patient part of me knows it's the disease- the human, less patient  part of me just wants to try to fix things and at times to be honest scream. The trigger has been COVID (not the fear of the virus) & the action of using more wipes, the encouragement to

Any comments, feedback are welcome, about how to help him engage with help. For context even aside from the issue of OCD he is a very stubborn character and dislikes any professional input. Thank you.

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Hi Iris. Welcome to the forum! :welcome:

I'm glad you feel less alone for being here. Given your CBT background and extra reading you'll have a good idea of what needs to be done. You also know that CBT can't be done 'to' a person and requires their co-operation and willingness. If we knew of a well-kept secret to getting people to engage with therapy we'd be shouting it from the rooftops! However it is always individual to a person what finally motivates them to want to change.

Speaking as a very stubborn individual myself... :blush: I can say that anything which gets forced on me creates even more stubbornness and a determination not to comply. So it's about finding ways to get your partner to see for himself that change is necessary, and then to get him to want to change because HE wants to change, not because you or anybody else wants or needs him to change. For example, an ultimatum approach will typically backfire as there is no line that stubbornness won't cross regardless of cost, even if you could reason with the OCD.

Is there anything he enjoys or values which he's had to give up because of his OCD behaviour? Without linking it to 'therapy' perhaps you could try to re-ignite his interest in those things, giving him a reason to try which originates with his wishes and not 'what is best for him'.

The only other suggestion I have is to chip away at his cognitive thinking through normal conversation where possible, so it's part of your regular communication about the world and how we interpret it rather than 'CBT'. That's harder with men than women bec ause they don't tend to go in for self-ananlysis as much, but worth a go anyway.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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Thanks Snowbear, you've reminded of something very fundamental and a source of tension no doubt between us. I probably am trying to 'do'  CBT to him in a way, an approach I never would have adopted professionally. He will definitely be sensing that and resisting it even more. I would too probably, he's not the only stubborn one in the house ?‍♀️

I definitely haven't and wouldn't go down an ultimatum route as that is not a thing I would do and I also know that really wouldn't work anyway. But I like your idea of something he has given up of is of value to him. That's a tricky one really as work has always consumed a lot of his time and there is little else that he would prioritise enough over his ckeaning.  But can try to think of some possible ideas.  The idea of 'what is best for him' is 100% something that he is reacting against as he dislikes being helped in any aspect of life and this area is top of the list.  So that is very relevant.

I have tried the cognitive side a little but he quickly sees through that as he read up on a lot things in the past himself. But I will try, I think my desperation as I am so concerned for him, particularly re his reduction in food and weight loss, has made me want to try to 'fix' things so urgently as I am scared for him that they will escalate further. As a result, I fear will harder for him to try to tackle as/if when he wants to at a later point. 

As others have said it is just very difficult, I can see the effects on him, the stranglehold it has on him, how it limits his life and as a byproduct as affects us and our life. I don't mean that to sound selfish, but I just mean it is heartbreaking to see what the OCD is doing to him and I feel helpless even though I know I could help. But you are right it has to come from him. It's just the collateral damage in the meantime. 

Thank you so much for taking the time give a really helpful reply. I really appreciate it.

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