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So upset & angry- workman used our toilet


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If my contamination OCD wasn't enough of a problem; we are living in a pandemic. My Dad has just let a workman use our toilet (we only have one bathroom and one other toilet). I am so so angry and so upset. 

My main contamination fear is of Norovirus, which can last in loos for months but obviously also Coronavirus can pass in faeces too. I have just lost it with my Dad over this. 

What do I do now?

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Your Dad couldn’t really refuse. The probability of catching anything is low. But I am worrying about having to use public transport on Friday after months of not doing so. So I understand that we do not think in terms of probability but the near certainty of catching something which appears in our minds. This is probably the wrong advice but you could pore bleach down the toilet. Or perhaps better, another family member could.

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I'm going to tell you the truth and it might suck.

You had no right to lose it on your dad. None. You've been around long enough to know that involving others in your compulsions is a bad idea. 

OCD is your problem, not his. He can empathize but he's allowed to live too. Your irrational fears should never get in the way of other's lives.

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Sorry you are so upset Belanna :( I have similar contamination issues so can relate. I have also had terrible times in the past of losing it on people who didn't follow my OCD ideas. Covid has added to my contamination issues and the general added stress doesn't help OCD in general either.

I agree with Angst that it would be pretty hard for your dad to refuse a person use of a washroom while doing work at the house. I would go for trying to just clean the washroom and move along. 

And of course to continue to work on freeing yourself from the tyranny of OCD with CBT methods.

 

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On 19/08/2020 at 23:47, BelAnna said:

If my contamination OCD wasn't enough of a problem; we are living in a pandemic. My Dad has just let a workman use our toilet (we only have one bathroom and one other toilet). I am so so angry and so upset. 

My main contamination fear is of Norovirus, which can last in loos for months but obviously also Coronavirus can pass in faeces too. I have just lost it with my Dad over this. 

What do I do now?

I'm sorry that you are feeling angry and upset, unfortunately living with OCD can often lead us to that place.

As for what to do now, here are my thoughts.

First, I think you should apologize to your dad.  I know it feels to you right now that his actions are out of line, but thats the OCD talking.  As an outside observer without your specific fear, I can honestly say I don't think what he did is bad at all. 

Second, I think you need to really consider how you want to move forward in this area.  Obviously you fear norovirus, and that fear is real to you, but its consuming your life and causing you and those around you so much unnecessary pain.  I really really really recommend that you take this as an opportunity to recognize how out of proportion OCD has caused your contamination fears to become.  Is norovirus unpleasant? Absolutely.  But the degree to which the mere idea of it is causing you distress is far greater than the actual effects would be if/when you had it.  OCD makes it harder to accept that, I know, I've been there.  My OCD driven emetophobia caused me to miss out on a lot of things for many years.  In the end I had to confront those doubts and anxieties and using CBT move past them.  It is INCREDIBLY freeing to do so.  It is well worth it.  You can choose to not let norovirus control your life.  But it has to be a choice you make, to live with discomfort, at least for a while, in order to reach a place where that discomfort is gone/managable.  It may seem impossible, it may seem like adhering to rules to "avoid" norovirus is easier/better, but trust me its not.  I've been where you are AND I've reached the other side.  Its worth doing the work to get to the other side.  It really really is.

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On 19/08/2020 at 19:40, Angst said:

Your Dad couldn’t really refuse. The probability of catching anything is low. But I am worrying about having to use public transport on Friday after months of not doing so. So I understand that we do not think in terms of probability but the near certainty of catching something which appears in our minds. This is probably the wrong advice but you could pore bleach down the toilet. Or perhaps better, another family member could.

 

On 19/08/2020 at 21:39, PolarBear said:

I'm going to tell you the truth and it might suck.

You had no right to lose it on your dad. None. You've been around long enough to know that involving others in your compulsions is a bad idea. 

OCD is your problem, not his. He can empathize but he's allowed to live too. Your irrational fears should never get in the way of other's lives.

 

On 20/08/2020 at 06:11, L.M. said:

Sorry you are so upset Belanna :( I have similar contamination issues so can relate. I have also had terrible times in the past of losing it on people who didn't follow my OCD ideas. Covid has added to my contamination issues and the general added stress doesn't help OCD in general either.

I agree with Angst that it would be pretty hard for your dad to refuse a person use of a washroom while doing work at the house. I would go for trying to just clean the washroom and move along. 

And of course to continue to work on freeing yourself from the tyranny of OCD with CBT methods.

 

 

15 hours ago, AmandaG said:

If the workman was working at your house, it would only be fair to let him use your toilet. If he sort of offered the use of your toilet when he was working elsewhere, that's a bit strange

 

11 hours ago, dksea said:

I'm sorry that you are feeling angry and upset, unfortunately living with OCD can often lead us to that place.

As for what to do now, here are my thoughts.

First, I think you should apologize to your dad.  I know it feels to you right now that his actions are out of line, but thats the OCD talking.  As an outside observer without your specific fear, I can honestly say I don't think what he did is bad at all. 

Second, I think you need to really consider how you want to move forward in this area.  Obviously you fear norovirus, and that fear is real to you, but its consuming your life and causing you and those around you so much unnecessary pain.  I really really really recommend that you take this as an opportunity to recognize how out of proportion OCD has caused your contamination fears to become.  Is norovirus unpleasant? Absolutely.  But the degree to which the mere idea of it is causing you distress is far greater than the actual effects would be if/when you had it.  OCD makes it harder to accept that, I know, I've been there.  My OCD driven emetophobia caused me to miss out on a lot of things for many years.  In the end I had to confront those doubts and anxieties and using CBT move past them.  It is INCREDIBLY freeing to do so.  It is well worth it.  You can choose to not let norovirus control your life.  But it has to be a choice you make, to live with discomfort, at least for a while, in order to reach a place where that discomfort is gone/managable.  It may seem impossible, it may seem like adhering to rules to "avoid" norovirus is easier/better, but trust me its not.  I've been where you are AND I've reached the other side.  Its worth doing the work to get to the other side.  It really really is.

Thanks Dksea, Polarbear, L.M., AmandaG and Angst. I've got so used to losing it when something triggers my OCD that I don't even see my behaviour as a problem in and of itself,  which I need to think about.

Just now we have a plumber in to fix the kitchen sink- I'm pretty scared because he'll probably have been fixing toilets all day and so I'm fearful that we'll get Norovirus or Covid. To be honest I'm also scared of all the cleaning that I fear I'll have to do afterwards and all the stress that involves. 

Polarbear, thanks for the very straightforward honest answer- you're right. 

Dksea, I found your post inspiring and would love to be free of this. 

Thanks L.M, AmandaG and Angst for your support and helpful answers. 

Okay so whilst I'm writing this the plumber has finished- now I need to work out how to deal with/clean the sink area- what would you all do? 

 

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I think that your family is doing good work arranging for plumbers to fix faults. Imagine if the faults weren’t fixed! I understand why you dread doing compulsive cleaning. Life is much easier if we do not feel compelled to do compulsive cleaning or in my case compulsive checking. Let a family member do the cleaning of the sink area as this will be a more reasonable response to any potential risk.

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BelAnna, I know how much this sucks. 

So, the plumber left and you're trying to figure out how intense a compulsion you should do. Do you understand that? There is another option: fight back and don't do any compulsions.

Doing so will suck, big time. But it passes. And then you do it again. And again. It's really hard but the reward at the end is worth it.

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@BelAnna I think most people would clean after having a plumber do work. I would recommend getting someone else to do it - without you prescribing exacting standards. You’ll end up with a clean (but not too clean) bathroom and avoid any compulsion. If you’re feeling strong - give it a cursory clean yourself - but not compulsively. If you’re feeling like you really want to give two fingers to your OCD - don’t even bother cleaning it.

Edited by OxCD
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3 hours ago, OxCD said:

@BelAnna I think most people would clean after having a plumber do work. I would recommend getting someone else to do it - without you prescribing exacting standards. You’ll end up with a clean (but not too clean) bathroom and avoid any compulsion. If you’re feeling strong - give it a cursory clean yourself - but not compulsively. If you’re feeling like you really want to give two fingers to your OCD - don’t even bother cleaning it.

I disagree. Most people would not clean a bathroom just because a plumber used it.

And, having someone else clean the bathroom is still performing a compulsion. You simply replace one compulsion with another.

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5 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I disagree. Most people would not clean a bathroom just because a plumber used it.

And, having someone else clean the bathroom is still performing a compulsion. You simply replace one compulsion with another.

Depends what you consider normal behaviour. People I know would. Plumbers can walk mucky footprints in, leave packaging, grubby hand prints.... Replacing a toilet cistern can make a mess. And I’m obviously excluding any OCD types. Getting someone else to do it could be a considered a compulsion, yes. But as a half way house and as a pragmatist - get someone else to do it. Alternatively (and as I allude to - if you really want to beat your OCD) - do as @PolarBear might suggest and lick the bowl clean.

Edited by OxCD
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18 hours ago, Angst said:

I think that your family is doing good work arranging for plumbers to fix faults. Imagine if the faults weren’t fixed! I understand why you dread doing compulsive cleaning. Life is much easier if we do not feel compelled to do compulsive cleaning or in my case compulsive checking. Let a family member do the cleaning of the sink area as this will be a more reasonable response to any potential risk.

Thanks Angst. Yes I guess so- it was fairly essential as the tap on the kitchen sink was literally falling off (we had it replaced last week and the apprentice did a botch job so it was dangling off!) and with all of the things we've had fixed/looked at in the last fortnight (washing machine, dishwasher, dryer, taps, gutters etc.) it is working as forced exposure I guess. The problem is that I still feel forced into compulsions afterwards and I get very distressed.

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I disagree. Most people would not clean a bathroom just because a plumber used it.

And, having someone else clean the bathroom is still performing a compulsion. You simply replace one compulsion with another.

Thanks Polarbear, I wonder if it varies. It was the kitchen sink that he was fixing so as it's the tap that we get glasses of water from; use to wash our hands before eating/cooking etc. then I do think my family would usually at least do a quick wipe. I of course was much much more anxious than normal and couldn't leave it at a quick wipe. It's helpful to think that some people wouldn't clean up afterwards though and that they probably don't get ill either.

14 hours ago, OxCD said:

@BelAnna I think most people would clean after having a plumber do work. I would recommend getting someone else to do it - without you prescribing exacting standards. You’ll end up with a clean (but not too clean) bathroom and avoid any compulsion. If you’re feeling strong - give it a cursory clean yourself - but not compulsively. If you’re feeling like you really want to give two fingers to your OCD - don’t even bother cleaning it.

Thanks OxCD, I didn't succeed in getting someone else to do it this time because I was too scared they wouldn't do it properly. When someone else does something for me it feels to me like it's not been dealt with, which is silly. 

 

4 hours ago, OxCD said:

Ohhh I thought you meant after they fixed something.... If they just had a wee then of course I wouldn’t clean it.

Yes, the plumber did fix the kitchen taps. It was a couple of days earlier that a dishwasher repair man used the toilet and I haven't been able to use it since; although I have cleaned and used the sink in that room.

Edited by BelAnna
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Personally I’d say anything other than a quick wipe up after actual plumbing work (not the plumber going to the loo) is compulsive. Work hard not to do it. There are so many more dangerous things then this - you’ve got a bad habit and you have to break it.

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