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6 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Tomorrow you will find the bottom can go lower and it will be lower the next day. Each time it will seem worse and it will keep going like that until you change what you are doing. 

I can't emphasize this enough. Confessing, ruminating and cutting yourself down is what's causing the bad thoughts to happen and so frequently. You can't see that what you are doing is causing your suffering, but we know it and see it with utter certainty. 

Yes, you are absolutely right, PolarBear. Today I'm feeling much, much worse than yesterday. I woke up with the memory of what happened yesterday hitting me so hard, and I feel like I'm going to explode from this guilt and shame inside me. 

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I'm not trying to confess but if it sounds like it, I sincerely apologise. I have a question and I would like to know if you could offer me any answers please. Because I feel so, so guilty for what happened yesterday, I want to talk about it (more like confess) with my boyfriend. However, I don't know if that's a good idea. If I don't share what happened with him, do you think that's okay? Do you think it's okay to keep it just for myself? The problem I have with not sharing is that I'm afraid I'm being fake in his eyes as he doesn't know about these things, which are important. 

Thank you, and I'm sorry if this is confusing. 

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Leave it @Cora. Don’t make yourself worse. (And being in a couple doesn’t mean you have to tell each other every little thing. I never tell the missus when I’ve used her toothbrush to clean the toilet. ??‍♂️)

Edited by OxCD
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1 hour ago, OxCD said:

Leave it @Cora. Don’t make yourself worse. (And being in a couple doesn’t mean you have to tell each other every little thing. I never tell the missus when I’ve used her toothbrush to clean the toilet. ??‍♂️)

Thank you, @OxCD. And that was a bit funny. However, I don't know how to let it go. I feel so dirty and ashamed, and any time I'm trying to be positive and happy, and telling myself that I'm allowed to move on, especially because I've been given this advice by so many amazing people, I just get these overwhelming flashbacks and this voice that screams that I'm guilty, which makes me want to spend all day in my bed (to be honest with you, I haven't got up from my bed yet, and I was supposed to ring the GP hours ago; I'm just stuck here with a headache and terrible guilt).

I'm really sorry, I think what I have just said/written can be considered a compulsion. I need to learn how to express myself in better ways. I'm sorry. 

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Perhaps ringing the doctor will help, Cora. Explaining how you're feeling and checking in with the doc will help. 

I'm also going to give you a webcomic recommendation, Check Please. This explores anxiety and mental health as part of its themes and it really helped me understand why I was anxious. You're anxious because you care and because you're a good person and are in need of self-care and distraction. I will be the last person to tell you off because I know how hard it is to let go - that's been me over the past five months and I'm only now starting to feel better. It will take time; talk to the doctor and see what the options are. And don't blame yourself for having a disorder. Also if you can, pick up the OCD mindfulness workbook and look at some of the work of Mark Freeman. 

:hug:

C x

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1 hour ago, Cub said:

Perhaps ringing the doctor will help, Cora. Explaining how you're feeling and checking in with the doc will help. 

I'm also going to give you a webcomic recommendation, Check Please. This explores anxiety and mental health as part of its themes and it really helped me understand why I was anxious. You're anxious because you care and because you're a good person and are in need of self-care and distraction. I will be the last person to tell you off because I know how hard it is to let go - that's been me over the past five months and I'm only now starting to feel better. It will take time; talk to the doctor and see what the options are. And don't blame yourself for having a disorder. Also if you can, pick up the OCD mindfulness workbook and look at some of the work of Mark Freeman. 

:hug:

C x

You are so lovely, Cub! Thank you so much for everything! As silly as this sounds, I really feel like I don't deserve so much kindness and respect, but I appreciate it all from the bottom of my heart nonetheless.

I just called the surgery, and I'm supposed to have a telephone appointment this Friday. If the GP decides that we need to further discuss the problem, he will book a face to face appointment for me (that's what I've been told on the phone). 

Thank you! 

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On 23/08/2020 at 12:47, Cora said:

Okay, something terrible just happened. I don't know what to do... I'm really sorry... 

My brother was playfully chasing me around the house when I had a feeling that I was attracted to him. As always, it felt real. The feeling was accompanied by the thought that I wanted to have an intimate relationship with him (I can't believe I'm saying this). I think I felt some sort of arousal because what I did next is terrying. I apologise beforehand because this is too much details, and I normally wouldn't share this but now I have to. Well, what I did was pleasure myself (I'm really sorry) by squeezing my thighs together (if that makes sense), and I only did that because of the arousal caused by thoughts and feelings about my brother. So, I acted on my thoughts. I didn't want to do it but I had an immense urge.

I don't know what's going on with me. What do I do now? Why did I pleasure myself to thoughts about my brother? I don't know what this is... I am done. 

I'm crying and panicking but that doesn't change the fact that I did something terrible! 

Hi, 

I'm really sorry. You are all going to hate me for this but I can't let it go. It's eating me inside. I said I didn't want to do it, but I did, I did want to have/experience the nice groinal feeling. It wasn't a groinal response. It was me squeezing my thighs together because I liked the thought and sensations. It wasn't an accident. And my memory is not playing with me either; I clearly remember what happened. 

I know no one can help me, and I'm sorry, @malina, because it looks like I don't listen to what you're saying (you said I didn't do anything terrible) but I strongly think I crossed the limit. This so, so bad. And if you put it together with the other things that happened in the past year because of me, I can be easily associated with a paedophile or a person that is attracted to children. 

I think I'm slowly losing my mind. This is way too much for me to handle or comprehend. 

Edited by Cora
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1 hour ago, Doubt_It said:

That’s great @Cora! Really hope you get the help you need x

I'm sorry, I've disappointed you just like I've disappointed anyone else who believed in me, including malina, polarbear, cub and oxcd. I'm really, really sorry. 

Edited by Cora
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@Cora I beat OCD when I was 15 by making my life so miserable that in the end I went f&ck it (I was obsessed with not catching HIV). I suddenly just copied everyone else and acted normally - even though I thought it’d be a death sentence. Turns out I quickly realised I had been completely wrong the whole time. How could I have been so dumb?! ??‍♂️


You will realise this at some point too.
 

In an analogous way - even if what you’re saying is true, so what?! You’ve not hurt anyone. Say f&ck it for the time being. Be strong. Park it. Put it in a box. It’ll still be there so you can’t worry that you’ve dismissed it. You’re just delaying dealing with it for now. You can do it. And eventually your perspective will change...

Edited by OxCD
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Hey @Cora :) 
Don't be sorry. This disorder is HARD. I had a relapse the other day which led to a drinking relapse..... it got bad. Which in turn produced even more OCD cause "Oh you were drinking, what did you do that you don't know about.." But trying to stay strong today. I like your idea about picking up a book :) But anyway, I get it, we all get it. It is so unbelievably difficult. Even when you know what to do it is still unbelievably difficult - it's a painful process but please, trust the process. It does work. It's not going to happen overnight. You just need to stop engaging with those thoughts. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done probably. I've beat two addictions and those don't even come close to how hard OCD is. But you CAN do it. Start right away. You WILL feel anxious. You WILL want more than anything to do a compulsion. No matter what, just let it be. Think of something else. Keep at it, no matter how many times an intrusive thought enters your mind. Gently let it go.

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4 minutes ago, OxCD said:

In an analogous way - even if what you’re saying is true, so what?! You’ve not hurt anyone. Say f&ck it for the time being. Be strong. You can do it. And eventually your perspective will change...

Awesome advice. This is 100% correct. Act like it doesn't matter (and in reality it doesn't matter) and tell the thought to f*** off! and exactly, eventually your perspective will change.

Sometimes when I'm having troubles I'll say to myself "I don't need to think about that right now." And you do that over and over and over and all of a sudden it's been months and you can't believe you were ever upset about that thought. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, I've disappointed you just like I've disappointed anyone else who believed in me, including malina, polarbear, cub and oxcd. I'm really, really sorry. 

This is what I was talking about before. Your constant put downs of yourself.

You can't possibly know what we think of you except by text on a screen and nothing anyone has said on this forum could possibly lead you to believe that anyone is disappointed in you.

Stop projecting your negative thoughts onto other people.

You don't have to keep saying you are sorry.

Don't assume you know what we will think or what we will say. 

No matter why you do it, you can safely stop calling yourself names and being derogatory toward yourself. Doing so does not make your situation better and I for one ignore all of that.

And again, all of this is a compulsion. It is you reacting to thoughts. 

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26 minutes ago, Doubt_It said:

Hey @Cora, I never said you’d disappointed anyone! I’m just relieved for your sake that you’re getting help. There’s nothing shameful in asking for help

@Doubt_It, I'm sorry, when I said that I've disappointed you I meant it after I've updated the post I made yesterday. I'm sorry for the confusion. 

Edited by Cora
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If I was disappointed in you I’d be a complete hypocrite! Here I am telling you to move on and stop doing compulsions, yet I catch myself doing compulsions all the time! I just confessed something to my partner this morning ?

This is all so incredibly hard and we will all mess up from time to time. You just have to pick yourself up, learn from it and keep going on the right track! 

Also, well done for calling the GP! Hang in there!!

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Cora, I assure you, I am in no way disappointed in you, nor do I think you've done anything wrong. I know your OCD is hurting you and it's all very well telling someone not to worry but like me checking websites I knew would upset me, you can't help but feel obsessed by this. And it shows you're a good person because this is just one of those moments we all have in our lives. 

I would advise - if you can - to try and feel the fear and do it anyway with the knowledge that these are just feelings - like a failed Dalek lifeform in Doctor Who, you just let them die. I promise you I am not getting any inappropriate vibe from you and your brother's bond; just two people who love each other. OCD urges are strange. Try the 'so what?' route and see what happens. Your brother still loves you. We still love you. Nobody has been hurt. 

Stay strong - this will pass, I promise. 

C x

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Hi everyone,

First off, I'm so sorry for not replying sooner. I spent last evening/night going for a walk and talking to my boyfriend as I thought I would go crazy being in my room, or even in my house, for such a long time with my thoughts. 

Secondly, thank you so, so much for taking the time to be here for me. Thank you so much for your advice, support and kind words. And, finally, thank you so much for being so kind to me! I can't tell you how amazed and happy I was when I opened the forums today and saw that I had received so many messages from you. It means the world to me, and I can't thank you enough for that. And what amazes me even more is that you all have your own struggles, but you're still here for me, and for all the other people who are looking for help and support on these forums - that, together with so many other things, shows how wonderful you are. 

 

@hazydaze and @OxCD: Thank you! I will try and gently let it go even though it's so, so hard.

@PolarBear: Thank you, and I understand. When I go back and read my old posts, it's weird seeing how I describe myself, but in those respective moments that is how I actually feel. I will, however, try and go easy with calling myself names and assuming what other people think about me.

@malina: Thank you! I understand how you feel, and I know it's very hard. In the end, I had to confess what happened to my boyfriend, I don't feel proud of it but I just couldn't help it. 

@findingithard: Thank you! That is very kind of you!

@Doubt_It: Thank you! Yes, it's weird what the therapist said but it makes sense indeed. 

@Cub: Thank you! The 'so what?' route seems the most appropriate one; it's very difficult to use it, but I will give it a go.

 

Once again, thank you so much for everything! You are so amazing and incredible! I will always be thankful for all you support, kind and encouraging words. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find the strength to fight your OCD no matter what, and be kind to yourselves just like you've been to me and so many other people. Thank you!

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@Cora you could probably tell me everything you’ve ever experienced with OCD and I bet you any money, I’ve been through it all as well. 
I’ve had mostly every OCD theme there is and POCD is definitely the worst I’ve experienced. All are horrible at the time, and feel so deliberating we think we can’t ever move on but we do. We just have to accept everything as OCD - easier said than done, I know. 

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18 hours ago, findingithard said:

I can relate so much. I’m a mother of 3 and suffer every single day with POCD. I’m only a message away if you ever want to talk.

 

1 hour ago, Cora said:

@findingithard: Thank you! That is very kind of you!

Hi you two,

Whatever you do, just make sure you don't use private messaging for reassurance purposes! It would add a whole new layer to each of your OCD's!

Cora, I am pleased to see that you have an appointment assessment booked for Friday. It may be worth planning ahead and jotting down some notes on what you want to say.

Take care, & all the best!

:)  

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On 25/08/2020 at 15:55, felix4 said:

 

Hi you two,

Whatever you do, just make sure you don't use private messaging for reassurance purposes! It would add a whole new layer to each of your OCD's!

Cora, I am pleased to see that you have an appointment assessment booked for Friday. It may be worth planning ahead and jotting down some notes on what you want to say.

Take care, & all the best!

:)  

Thank you, @felix4

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On 25/08/2020 at 15:15, findingithard said:

@Cora you could probably tell me everything you’ve ever experienced with OCD and I bet you any money, I’ve been through it all as well. 
I’ve had mostly every OCD theme there is and POCD is definitely the worst I’ve experienced. All are horrible at the time, and feel so deliberating we think we can’t ever move on but we do. We just have to accept everything as OCD - easier said than done, I know. 

Yes, I completely agree with you, @findingithard

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