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Struggling with rumination


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Hi everyone

Sorry to sound so gloomy but I'm not doing well. I'm struggling with my head and I don't know what to do. My head hurts from aching and I just want to die.

Recently, I've been struggling with some stuff in my life; I wonder if I'm being called to give something up that I don't want to and am dragging my heels. I keep going over and over it in my mind and can't stop and feel very low. I wonder if I can't move on until I've resolved it; I've been really struggling at work and keep failing. My head feels so heavy. I keep fretting over religious stuff and thinking, 'If I don't give this up, maybe I'll go to Hell.' I'm not sure how I feel about the afterlife and am not sure if I necessarily believe in the kingdom of heaven, or if I'm good enough to get there. I just keep thinking 'Maybe God wants me to give this up' and then thinking 'But I don't want to and if I do this, then what about that, what about the changes I have to make as a consequence, what about the comforts I'll lose, what does this mean about me, what about this, what about that' and wonder if I'm overthinking and should do as God is telling me. I'm so stressed out and so tired; I have all these anxieties and wonder if I need to give this thing up so I won't be worried anymore, but then keep going around in circles and I hurt so badly. I feel like a sinner and don't deserve to be happy if I'm not willing to try harder. I was ruminating all day at work and I feel so weak; I can barely walk and just feel awful all the time. I don't feel happy anymore; do I need to be happier by being a better Christian and giving this thing up, or do I just try and be kind to myself? I don't know what to do and feel terrible. I wonder if giving this thing up would resolve the issue or make it worse; it's complicated, a harmless thing that's a matter of personal judgement but I just can't stop thinking things over and I'm not happy; I'm not writing anymore, I'm eating too much and all I want to do is sleep. 

Sorry to be so gloomy. Things are hard.

C x

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Hey Cub, 

I'm really, really sorry that you're having such a rough time. There is so much pain in your words, and despite the fact that I don't really have any advice to offer, I empathise with you! Even if my OCD is based on a different fear than yours I still know where you are and how terrifying everything feels as I'm struggling a lot myself these days. 

I can tell that rumination is a big part of your problem. I know this is much, much easier said than done, but I think, if you can, you should try and let the thoughts and feelings be there. Just let them hang around without trying to understand them. Maybe start with 5 minutes, then 10, then half an hour, and so on. You have the urgency to solve and understand them, but you also know that this is not going to lead anywhere good. You've been suffering for a very long time, and maybe a break from all of this is very much needed. You asked if you should be king to yourself, but I think you already know the answer to this. Being kind to yourself and treating yourself with lots of love and respect is probably the most important thing you should do now, even more important than trying not to pay attention to what your brain wants you to solve. And if it feels like you don't deserve to treat yourself with kindness, do it anyway, no matter what! 

You are such a lovely and nice person, Cub. Please, don't give up! We are here for you and we love you!❤

 

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Hi Cora

I really appreciate your words of comfort, thankyou so much. 

Today is a bit difficult. I turned my laptop back on and I'm feeling the urge to visit that old triggering website that started all this nonsense. I recognise that this is a waste of my time and it doesn't seem to be for any reason other than to simply upset myself. I can't write anymore on my laptop because I feel the urge and I don't know what to do; am I sinning by resisting it? I feel so lost and confused and upset and feel like I want to turn to someone for help and reassurance; suddenly, I don't want to be on my own. I know I have to switch my laptop on at some point but I'm struggling so hard right now not to visit the site and feeling so ashamed; what if I have to visit the site? What if they're right and I'm wrong? What if God is guiding me to visit the site? I feel so lonely and upset with this and this is making me feel so bad.

Appreciate the kind words. Will try and resist the urge. I hate feeling so sad. :( I thought I was past this nonsense. 

C x

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