How to deal with these compulsions

[Armadillo22]

I have been dealing with OCD (diagnosed recently) during lockdown. I believe that lockdown somehow triggered it but when I look back at my life I can recall periods that could definitely be described as OCD but they were just never identified at the time. The theme I am experiencing seems to be mostly intrusive sexual thoughts. The obsession is mainly the fear of me somehow being a pedophile. I think the trigger was remember a moment as a young teenager where I watched some videos on a dodgy website which I can't be certain were legal. I'm not sure if this is just the doubt that comes with OCD. I honestly don't know. I spend a lot of time trying to remember but it's just unclear. It didn't occur to me until much later that it may have been wrong. When I remembered it I just went into a state of intense anxiety and haven't been able to recover from it. I've spent hours of my days debating with myself about whether I am a p or not. I know I'm probably not and I know this is completely irrational but I can't fully shake it. It's ALWAYS there, making me feel guilty and ashamed. It goes completely against my principles, and from research I know this is one of the mean features of anxiety.

The problem I'm having is that even when I'm having a good day if I'm outside and someone catches my gaze I feel I need to look away. However, I realise that is probably the compulsion. At the same time I feel like a creep if I do look. I don't know whether the compulsion is to look (in order to check) or to not look (in order to avoid anxiety) or somehow both. Yesterday I was watching a film and found one of the actresses very attractive. However I became anxious when I thought she looked a bit young but when I checked it turns out she was 24. I couldn't resist the urge to check. It's not really a worry about being attracted to young children anymore but more young people. This is what makes it so hard and I don't know the best way to approach this. I'm in my early twenties and am now afraid of checking out anyone and feel guilty if ever I feel like my libido has come back a bit when I'm feeling a bit better, only for it to quickly disappear again.

I know this must sound completely crazy and it really stresses me out and I feel so much guilt and shame when I'm not sure I should. I don't know what to do though. I get guilty whenever I find someone remotely attractive because there is always the voice of 'you sicko you don't know how old she is. She could be a teenager'. When it's not this causing me distress it's constantly searching through my memories of my past to find evidence that I'm somehow a p or a phsycopath. Sometimes I have my okay periods and other times I have my really hopeless periods but I feel that even during my okay periods this is always hanging over me.

I feel really weird typing this but any advice would be really appreciated.

 

[PolarBear]

Hi there.

You do quite a few compulsions. When you debate with yourself whether you are a pedophile or not, that's a compulsion. It's likely your biggest compulsion.

Writing p instead of pedophile is a subtle compulsion.

Checking someone's age is a compulsion.

These are very normal compulsions with this type of OCD. Seen them lots and done them myself. Basically any reaction to the thoughts is a compulsion.

I'm sure you have a deep desire to know, one way or the other. But trying to figure it out is what gets you in trouble. It's okay to leave it alone. It's okay to not find an answer. 

[Armadillo22]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Hi there.

You do quite a few compulsions. When you debate with yourself whether you are a pedophile or not, that's a compulsion. It's likely your biggest compulsion.

Writing p instead of pedophile is a subtle compulsion.

Checking someone's age is a compulsion.

These are very normal compulsions with this type of OCD. Seen them lots and done them myself. Basically any reaction to the thoughts is a compulsion.

I'm sure you have a deep desire to know, one way or the other. But trying to figure it out is what gets you in trouble. It's okay to leave it alone. It's okay to not find an answer. 

Thank you for your response @PolarBear. Can I ask what you do when you find yourself debating with yourself (or what you used to do)? I've found myself talking to myself in my head about this a lot, even when the day is going well. This is usually me debating with my thoughts. However, I read something that was posted on here today about becoming numb to some of the thoughts, which I could relate to. Now the debate is along the lines of 'You should feel this way about this thought! You should be bothered! This is a problem!' when I think of something that would have previously caused a lot of anxiety. How do you let go of the need to reach a solution to the problem?

I do meditation but I find it is only a temporary measure. I am undergoing therapy for this issue which is still in the early stages, but hopefully it will start to help. My head is actually aching today because I've spent so long thinking. Doing an activity sometimes helps for brief periods but it is quite intermittent and I know the thoughts will come back as soon as I stop.

[PolarBear]

I hear ya. I've been there and done that.

One thing is, you need to look at your situation. You need to realize that no matter how hard or how long you ruminate over the thoughts, you never arrive at a final answer.

That's the OCD trap. We think we need to do compulsions to solve a perceived problem, but we never reach an end. In fact, doing compulsions emboldens that part of our brain that generates intrusive thoughts into creating more unwanted thoughts, which leads to more anxiety, doubt and ultimately compulsions.

Notice I said perceived problem. With OCD, the problem never actually exists. It's a mind generated fantasy, it's irrational. It can safely be ignored, rather than fed into.

[Armadillo22]

Quote

You need to realize that no matter how hard or how long you ruminate over the thoughts, you never arrive at a final answer.

Yeah I think coming to terms with this is going to be the ultimate solution. Would you say that the thoughts will never fully go away and that certain situations will always lead to reminders or would you say that you're no longer bothered by the things you used to be (noticed you're an Ex-Sufferer)?