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This hurts so much...


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Hello everyone, 

It has only been two days since I last posted, and I couldn't feel worse for coming back so soon, but as the title says everything just hurts so, so much that I really don't know what to do. I am aware that I have been given the greatest advice ever, and if I want to get better, only I can make a change, no one else can do it for me. But this is just so, so painful and I'm feeling so lost and desperate. 

I'm struggling with the same things. However, there is something that I don't think I mentioned before that makes me feel miserable and I just have to let it out - I'm sorry if this is considered a compulsion however.
I've talked about having urges to harm my brother but that is not all. I was too ashamed to say this before but these so-called urges have never felt like urges. It's hard to explain this but what I've been experiencing is something like 'I think I am attracted to my brother. I think I want to have an intimate relationship with him.' The worst part is that these thoughts come with a lot of sensations and feelings, feelings of actually wanting the thoughts to be true, as well as feelings of liking  or enjoying them. And I can't tell if they are true or not, no matter how hard I try. (I feel so grossed out and ashamed for letting all this out, and I apologise if you feel the same.) I guess things would be a bit better if they felt intrusive or came with anxiety but they don't. They are the opposite - they feel normal and come with feelings of arousal or something similar.

Having these thoughts and feelings, and never knowing if they are real or not makes me want to end my life. I don't want to live knowing that I am attracted to my own brother who is also just a child. I also have to live knowing that I've had weird sexual desires (I hate to use this word but I don't know how else to describe it) towards him. This is just so, so much for me. And this is not even all... I keep having incidents every day where my world feels like it's collapsing as I feel like a true criminal. For example, earlier in the day I felt like I was attracted to some children that I saw in a movie; a couple of hours ago I was helping my brother take a shower and I had an urge (I think?) to touch his private area - an urge that felt incredible real and I thought I was going to do it (I'm sorry); and so on. I lost all my hope as this is clearly not OCD anymore.

My family, especially my brother, doesn't know what's going in my head. And that adds to the pain. My brother thinks of me as a loving and caring sister but he doesn't know how evil and perverted I actually am. I'm crying right now because I've destroyed my relationship with my brother. I was supposed to protect him and take care of him, not having sexual thoughts and feelings about him. (I hate myself as I have them even when typing this out.)

I was a bit excited for this week's appointment with my GP, but at this point I don't care anymore. I want this to end as I don't know how much more of this I can take. I want to be normal and happy. But that can't happen. So what's the point in keep going?! I know this will never change, this is who I am, and no one needs such a monster.

I'm sorry. I don't think you can help me anymore. I shouldn't even be posting here.

Edited by Cora
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Same old, same old.

You've done this before. You tell us what's going on. You don't get called disgusting by us. On the contrary, you receive positive comments. A while later, after you've ruminated endlessly, you come back (like today) and claim you didn't tell us everything, confident that once you do tell us, we'll finally realize what a bad person you are. And to top it all of, you cut yourself down.

IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

Read a book. Watch a funny movie. Set aside the obsessions. We'll talk later.

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I feel like maybe you’ve used this as reassurance, something in witch people with anxiety do ALOT! And now it seems your using it as a compulsion, after you’ve went away,you’ve thought more about it and asked the question “what if this and what if that” then it’s heightened your anxiety again and you’ve come back for again the reassurance but the more you do this, the more your feeding the anxiety and then it comes back worse each time. 

I know what your going through and I know it’s easier said then done but just try relax abit, accept that it’s your ocd, take a walk, read a book, listen to some music. 

You say you had a urge to touch him, but you didn’t, so that says it all to me. 

Its all just a thought, not a nice thought I know but just a thought, you will be okay! 

 

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Thank you for your replies, @PolarBear and @rebecca23x. I appreciate it. 

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You don't get called disgusting by us. On the contrary, you receive positive comments

I agree, and I'm really thankful for that. It's only me who calls myself disgusting. I am my own enemy. 

Everything is much worse than I describe it. I want to accept that this is OCD but I don't know how to, I really don't. I'm spending time with my brother, playing with him, hugging him, and just trying to have a normal sibling time with him, but my brain and body react in such weird and disgusting ways that it makes me believe that I'm attracted to him, to my 8 years old brother. And everything just goes downhill. It makes me want to cry and hide from everyone. Of course, it would be easier to deal with it if it didn't feel so real, but unfortunately it does. It feels so, so real and scary. 

I'm sorry. I'm being very negative. 

Edited by Cora
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This is probably seeking reassurance but I would like to ask for your help once again. What should I do if I feel like a danger to my brother? Should I avoid him as much as possible? Unfortunately, the possibility of moving out is excluded because I can't afford that. 

I'm asking for help because every time I am around my brother my body reacts so strongly that I'm afraid I will snap and do something inappropriate. 

I think something is broken in my thinking. I seriously think that I am attracted to my brother, and it hurts so much knowing that I can't be normal anymore.  

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Avoidance is a well known compulsion. Avoiding your brother would reaffirm the false belief in your mind that something is wrong. You should actually do the opposite.

You do not 'know' that you can't be normal. That comes from you believing obsessions. Sufferers get to better places with their OCD all the time. OCD is not a death sentence. 

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I agree with PolarBear. By avoiding your brother you are attaching significance/importance/truth to your thoughts, which will keep the cycle going. This happens every time we carry out/perform a compulsion. It's incredibly difficult to resist and often it can feel rational but this is not the case.

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@Cora You do seem like a very nice person, but I’ve got to be brutally honest with you - as this may help you.

Listen to @PolarBear and the rest of us. You keep saying yes I’ve listened and then ignore the advice - usually because it’s very difficult.

I’m afraid it is really difficult - but stop giving in to it. Be strong. You have to or it will get worse. Would you rather have difficult or super difficult? At some point you just have to say “enough”.

Again, I’ll say - you’re making your life so miserable - it must be awful for you. In which case, take the wise advice - what have you got to lose?

Sorry for the tough comments, but you seem very stubborn and we want you to get better.

Take care, you can do this. ?

Edited by OxCD
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4 hours ago, Cora said:

What should I do if I feel like a danger to my brother? Should I avoid him as much as possible?

Hi Cora,

I know it is not easy, & we shouldn't reassure, but these are typical distressing twisted OCD thoughts, & you can't see it right now, but you are less of a danger to your brother than anyone else, so no, definitely do not avoid him!

Try and relax, get some sleep, and be open with your doctor tomorrow, & push for a referral to psychiatry and CBT.

If you have any problems tomorrow, then lean on the OCD-UK charity itself!

Best of luck for tomorrow. :57439eb60db27_thumbup:

 

 

 

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Thank you, @PolarBear, @Armadillo22, @OxCD and @felix4

I just finished talking to the GP. I mentioned that I was diagnosed with OCD and that I'm struggling quite a lot at the moment with intrusive and unpleasant thoughts that come in with negative feelings, such as guilt, shame and disgust. The GP was really understanding and helpful. I was prescribed a different SSRI this time - sertraline, as no positive outcome was observed from taking fluoxetine. I was also referred to a psychiatrist, but they will let me know more about this next week. Frankly, I'm very scared to talk to a psychiatrist, only the thought of doing so brings me so much anxiety, because I'm afraid that if I talk about my urges to them, they will decide that I need to be locked up and taken away from my family, but I guess I just have to do it.

Edited by Cora
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6 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @PolarBear, @Armadillo22, @OxCD and @felix4

I just finished talking to the GP. I mentioned that I was diagnosed with OCD and that I'm struggling quite a lot at the moment with intrusive and unpleasant thoughts that come in with negative feelings, such as guilt, shame and disgust. The GP was really understanding and helpful. I was prescribed a different SSRI this time - sertraline, as no positive outcome was observed from taking fluoxetine. I was also referred to a psychiatrist, but they will let me know more about this next week. Frankly, I'm very scared to talk to a psychiatrist, only the thought of doing so brings me so much anxiety, because I'm afraid that if I talk about my urges to them, they will decide that I need to be locked up and taken away from my family, but I guess I just have to do it.

Hi Cora,

Well done on keeping that appointment! :57439eb60db27_thumbup:

Try and think of this as a huge first step in working toward getting over an anxiety disorder!

 

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Well done Cora, I'm proud of you! you've made a big step in the right direction. I think everyone is initially scared to reach out and tell a doctor what is going on, but it's a necessary step. One thing I've found helpful when speaking with professionals is to give a clear and detailed account of all the information regarding my diagnosis and history of treatment. So tell them when you were diagnosed, by whom, how many therapists you have seen, that you are on the waiting list for IAPT, which medications you have taken and what the experience was like. I think having relevant details like this helps them understand the context a little better.

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6 hours ago, PolarBear said:

The fear of abandonment and the fear of being locked up kept me from seeking help for nearly 40 years. Don't let it hold you back for one day.

Wow this really hit home. I had times where I was certain there was no helping me, until I finally told my therapist. I thought he would call the police and have me put behind bars. I was confused as to why he wasn't bothered/concerned by the stuff I told him I was worried about. Good that OP is taking steps. It's super scary but it's better than the alternative, which is continuing to live the way you have been living.

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Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. 

I am feelings hopeless at the moment. I'm experiencing things that don't have an explanation other than that I have very weird sexual preferences/interest (don't even know what to call them). You will probably say (or not) that this is the same old stuff but I don't think it is. I have no anxiety whatsoever over these thoughts and feelings. I'm getting aroused (or feeling some sort of sexual feelings in my body as well as mind) at inappropriate things. I was at my best friend's house yesterday, and I felt something sexual while she was hugging her brother (this doesn't really matter but he's a year younger than her). Then I came back home and saw my brother and dad playing together - while looking at them I didn't see something that a normal person would, but I rather saw (and felt) something sexual. Then I was watching tv with my brother and kept seeing families on there - and, once again, I felt the same thing, sexual feelings in my body when a parent would touch their kid in any way, even just a simple hug or a pat on the shoulder. 

I don't know how to interpret this. I've had no anxiety or remorse over all this for the past 2 days. Nothing. Zero. And, of course, it has contributed to my doubt that this is not OCD. 

I also keep ruminating about how I am probably attracted to my brother. It makes my skin crawl but I can't deny it. 

I don't even know if there is any point in seeing the psychiatrist if they tell me that I'm a weirdo; I don't think I'm ready to hear and accept this verdict. I'm scared, and still hate myself more than I ever did, as well as still consider that I am a terrible human being, but that doesn't mean or change the fact that this is all true. I think that no matter how strong your OCD is, there is still a bit of you that knows that the things (thoughts, feelings, sensations) you are experiencing are not true and definitely not a part of your character; the thing with me is that I don't have that bit/part - every little thing I think and feel is as true and real as any other feeling or emotion of mine. 

I don't want to alarm anyone but I'm getting more and more suicidal. I keep imagining and planning how I'm going to end my own life. I'm not looking for attention, I'm just way too scared to live this life, pretend that this things are fine when they are so not, and have this shame, guilt and pain on my shoulders every time I wake up and go to sleep. 

I'm sorry. This post is so gloomy and sad. And I'm also sorry for keep wasting your time. I can see how much you care and want to help but I am different and thus I need a different type of help. 

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You’re not different @Cora. You’ve just got OCD and won’t listen. ☹️ What do you think the odds are that of all the people who have OCD type issues, you’re the special one? Clue: very low.

Edited by OxCD
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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. 

I am feelings hopeless at the moment. I'm experiencing things that don't have an explanation other than that I have very weird sexual preferences/interest (don't even know what to call them). You will probably say (or not) that this is the same old stuff but I don't think it is. I have no anxiety whatsoever over these thoughts and feelings. I'm getting aroused (or feeling some sort of sexual feelings in my body as well as mind) at inappropriate things. I was at my best friend's house yesterday, and I felt something sexual while she was hugging her brother (this doesn't really matter but he's a year younger than her). Then I came back home and saw my brother and dad playing together - while looking at them I didn't see something that a normal person would, but I rather saw (and felt) something sexual. Then I was watching tv with my brother and kept seeing families on there - and, once again, I felt the same thing, sexual feelings in my body when a parent would touch their kid in any way, even just a simple hug or a pat on the shoulder. 

I don't know how to interpret this. I've had no anxiety or remorse over all this for the past 2 days. Nothing. Zero. And, of course, it has contributed to my doubt that this is not OCD. 

I also keep ruminating about how I am probably attracted to my brother. It makes my skin crawl but I can't deny it. 

I don't even know if there is any point in seeing the psychiatrist if they tell me that I'm a weirdo; I don't think I'm ready to hear and accept this verdict. I'm scared, and still hate myself more than I ever did, as well as still consider that I am a terrible human being, but that doesn't mean or change the fact that this is all true. I think that no matter how strong your OCD is, there is still a bit of you that knows that the things (thoughts, feelings, sensations) you are experiencing are not true and definitely not a part of your character; the thing with me is that I don't have that bit/part - every little thing I think and feel is as true and real as any other feeling or emotion of mine. 

I don't want to alarm anyone but I'm getting more and more suicidal. I keep imagining and planning how I'm going to end my own life. I'm not looking for attention, I'm just way too scared to live this life, pretend that this things are fine when they are so not, and have this shame, guilt and pain on my shoulders every time I wake up and go to sleep. 

I'm sorry. This post is so gloomy and sad. And I'm also sorry for keep wasting your time. I can see how much you care and want to help but I am different and thus I need a different type of help. 

You are not different from the millions of OCD sufferers who are plagued by sexual intrusive thoughts. I've sern this all before, Cora, right down to your lack of anxiety and the uncomfortable sensations. It's all OCD. 

You sit there and try to rationalize your thoughts and feelings. You slways come back to the belief you must be a weirdo. There is a fsr simpler explanation and that is that you have OCD. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean you don't have it.

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3 hours ago, OxCD said:

You’re not different @Cora. You’ve just got OCD and won’t listen. ☹️ What do you think the odds are that of all the people who have OCD type issues, you’re the special one? Clue: very low.

 

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You are not different from the millions of OCD sufferers who are plagued by sexual intrusive thoughts. I've sern this all before, Cora, right down to your lack of anxiety and the uncomfortable sensations. It's all OCD. 

You sit there and try to rationalize your thoughts and feelings. You slways come back to the belief you must be a weirdo. There is a fsr simpler explanation and that is that you have OCD. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean you don't have it.

Thank you for your replies, @PolarBear and @OxCD.

Okay, let's suppose I'm not different. But what do I do and how do I interpret the realness and normality of my thoughts and feelings, especially the feelings?

I don't know, maybe OCD can actually go that far that it affects your ability to distinguish between what is a lie and what is part of your true character... but I guess that would be too good to be true. I'm sorry, I realise how stubborn I sound but I just don't know what to do with these incest feelings, they are just way too real and overwhelming.

1 hour ago, OxCD said:

@Cora I think you’re almost in denial that you can’t trust what your brain is telling you sometimes. Sadly, you can’t always.

I agree with that. But what about what the rest of your body is telling you? What about the feelings your body is holding? What about them? (These are questions I ask myself daily.)

Once again, thank you. 

Edited by Cora
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I also doubt a lot whether the urges I've been experiencing are real urges or just OCD-induced urges (if what I have is indeed OCD). The thing is that I read an article about OCD urges where it was said that people with OCD never want them and they fear them very much. However, what I've been experiencing is different than what it was said in the respective article. My urges are so strong and real that they almost feel like a desire (I hate using word in this combination but I don't know how else to explain it), and I don't think I fear them anymore. 

I'm ashamed to share this again, but I've had urges to touch my brother inappropriately because I think I was attracted to him. The urges started after he gave me a kiss, which caused strong sensations in my body and the thought that I wanted to have an intimate relationship with him. I'm trying to let this go as it's making my days so miserable but I don't think I'm allowed to. I just need to understand why it has happened, and I don't think I can let it in the past if I don't figure it out. I really want to move on, so I can have less things to worry about as there are so many of them, but I feel like I'm doing something very wrong by letting it go.

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Okay, let's suppose I'm not different. But what do I do and how do I interpret the realness and normality of my thoughts and feelings, especially the feelings?

You have a mental illness - your thoughts and feelings aren’t normal. Don’t always trust them. Don’t always try and interpret them. Crazy **** comes into my (and everyone else’s) head all the time. Ignore that stuff.

 

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I don't know, maybe OCD can actually go that far that it affects your ability to distinguish between what is a lie and what is part of your true character...

YES! And why assume the worst is true either?! OCD fits the data better IMHO. Bet a psychiatrist will agree - that’s why you should see one and get professional help. And if it isn’t (though it so is) - you want to know what you have got anyway right?! Then you can get appropriate help.

Edited by OxCD
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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I also doubt a lot whether the urges I've been experiencing are real urges or just OCD-induced urges (if what I have is indeed OCD). The thing is that I read an article about OCD urges where it was said that people with OCD never want them and they fear them very much. However, what I've been experiencing is different than what it was said in the respective article. My urges are so strong and real that they almost feel like a desire (I hate using word in this combination but I don't know how else to explain it), and I don't think I fear them anymore. 

I'm ashamed to share this again, but I've had urges to touch my brother inappropriately because I think I was attracted to him. The urges started after he gave me a kiss, which caused strong sensations in my body and the thought that I wanted to have an intimate relationship with him. I'm trying to let this go as it's making my days so miserable but I don't think I'm allowed to. I just need to understand why it has happened, and I don't think I can let it in the past if I don't figure it out. I really want to move on, so I can have less things to worry about as there are so many of them, but I feel like I'm doing something very wrong by letting it go.

Sounds like classic OCD. You’ve not told us anything in 3000 or so posts that make me think otherwise?! ??‍♂️ Other people on here will know better on this particular type of OCD and may be able to elaborate better than me...

Edited by OxCD
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1 hour ago, Cora said:

 

Thank you for your replies, @PolarBear and @OxCD.

Okay, let's suppose I'm not different. But what do I do and how do I interpret the realness and normality of my thoughts and feelings, especially the feelings?

I don't know, maybe OCD can actually go that far that it affects your ability to distinguish between what is a lie and what is part of your true character... but I guess that would be too good to be true. I'm sorry, I realise how stubborn I sound but I just don't know what to do with these incest feelings, they are just way too real and overwhelming.

I agree with that. But what about what the rest of your body is telling you? What about the feelings your body is holding? What about them? (These are questions I ask myself daily.)

Once again, thank you. 

How do you interpret your thoughts and feelings? The answer is, you don't. 

Trying to figure out your intrusive thoughts and the feelings caused by them is a compulsion and IT is what gets you into trouble. That right there is why these thoughts and feelings bother you so much. That is why you are so down on yourself. That is why you sometimes feel suicidal. 

It is a trap. No amount of compulsions will solve the perceived problem you have. No amount of compulsions will give you the answer you seek. You feel compelled to fo compulsions. You feel you must solve the problem and get an answer, but trying to so only brings more grief. It is a trap and is the OCD paradox.

Of course the thoughts and feelings seem real. Why wouldn't they? They are generated by your mind, where all other thoughts and feelings are made. And if the thoughts and ferlings seemed fake, you'd be able to easily dismiss them and you wouldn't have a disorder.

 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I also doubt a lot whether the urges I've been experiencing are real urges or just OCD-induced urges (if what I have is indeed OCD). The thing is that I read an article about OCD urges where it was said that people with OCD never want them and they fear them very much. However, what I've been experiencing is different than what it was said in the respective article. My urges are so strong and real that they almost feel like a desire (I hate using word in this combination but I don't know how else to explain it), and I don't think I fear them anymore. 

I'm ashamed to share this again, but I've had urges to touch my brother inappropriately because I think I was attracted to him. The urges started after he gave me a kiss, which caused strong sensations in my body and the thought that I wanted to have an intimate relationship with him. I'm trying to let this go as it's making my days so miserable but I don't think I'm allowed to. I just need to understand why it has happened, and I don't think I can let it in the past if I don't figure it out. I really want to move on, so I can have less things to worry about as there are so many of them, but I feel like I'm doing something very wrong by letting it go.

Those urges are simply obsessions. They are one of several ways that obsessions manifest.

As for the rest, you are not being rational or honest. Of course you don't want those urges. If you did, you wouldn't be suicidal at times. If you did, you wouldn't be here complaining about them all the time. You'd be happy. Be honest, are you happy with what's going on?

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27 minutes ago, OxCD said:

You have a mental illness - your thoughts and feelings aren’t normal. Don’t always trust them. Don’t always try and interpret them. Crazy **** comes into my (and everyone else’s) head all the time. Ignore that stuff.

YES! And why assume the worst is true either?! OCD fits the data better IMHO. Bet a psychiatrist will agree - that’s why you should see one and get professional help. And if it isn’t (though it so is) - you want to know what you have got anyway right?! Then you can get appropriate help.

I remember being at the first group session of CBT and myself and others thought the therapist was quite mad (as in crazy), having told us one thing in particular that, as a non sufferer, she can do. It was basically something going totally against our then  OCD fuelled moral compasses, & certainly raised a few eyebrows! :headslap:

By about week 9 she only had us all doing this same exercise, & yeah, looking back, it turns out she was clearly quite normal after all, & it were us 4 with the problem! :yes: 

It is a shame really, because I have had a few lots of CBT in both group & 1 to 1, but it was only this last group set of CBT that really worked. The therapist kind of diplomatically argued us into seeing how pointless each and every one of our OCD fuelled decisions, compulsions, & so on were! 

I hope I've not confused matters here.

  

 

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