This hurts so much...

[malina]

51 minutes ago, felix4 said:

I remember being at the first group session of CBT and myself and others thought the therapist was quite mad (as in crazy), having told us one thing in particular that, as a non sufferer, she can do. It was basically something going totally against our then  OCD fuelled moral compasses, & certainly raised a few eyebrows! 

By about week 9 she only had us all doing this same exercise, & yeah, looking back, it turns out she was clearly quite normal after all, & it were us 4 with the problem!  

It is a shame really, because I have had a few lots of CBT in both group & 1 to 1, but it was only this last group set of CBT that really worked. The therapist kind of diplomatically argued us into seeing how pointless each and every one of our OCD fuelled decisions, compulsions, & so on were! 

I hope I've not confused matters here.

 

When my therapist first introduced me to ERP and told me about the things he does with his patients, I also thought he was completely mad

[malina]

Hey Cora,

I think that you completely underestimate the power of mental illness, not just OCD but all kinds of psychiatric problems. These kinds of problems can completely overtake someone's life, warp their reality and make them believe all sorts of things. OCD is no different, surely you've been reading this forum and have seen first hand the impact that it has on people. It couldn't do that without seeming very real to the sufferer.

I understand that it is very confusing for you because, in addition to thoughts and urges, you also have physical sensations (am I right?). Again, think about mental illness, it can make people perceive things that are not real. For example, some mental illnesses have auditory or even visual hallucinations (not OCD, but this is just an example). Now sexual arousal is a fairly simple physiological response, if mental illness is powerful enough to make people hear or see things that are not physically there, don't you think mental illness can also make someone feel a false sense of arousal?

I have personally experienced physical symptoms alongside anxiety and it was an absolutely surreal experience. In my case, I started feeling a sense of numbness and heaviness in the right side of my body. For weeks I was absolutely convinced that there was some neurological problem, I saw my GP, I booked an appointment with a physio...neither found anything wrong. But to me, this sensation felt so real and it persisted, until I finally accepted that this could just be OCD and it eventually went away. In addition to this, I have felt difficulty breathing and at one point I even had trouble swallowing. I know you're probably thinking that this all sounds awful, but it's different because it's not sexual. But again, I say that what you're experiencing is produced by a simple physical process, so if OCD and other mental illnesses can mimic other, more complex physical sensations, why would they not mimic arousal?

[Cora]

Thank you so much for your help, @OxCD, @PolarBear, @felix4 and @malina. 

6 hours ago, PolarBear said:

As for the rest, you are not being rational or honest. Of course you don't want those urges. If you did, you wouldn't be suicidal at times. If you did, you wouldn't be here complaining about them all the time. You'd be happy. Be honest, are you happy with what's going on?

PolarBear: Of course I don't want these urges. I hate them and I want them gone. But the thing is that sometimes it feels that I like/want them, and it's very, very hard to know whether that's OCD's game or my real interests. There's actually no way to tell which is which. 

6 hours ago, OxCD said:

You have a mental illness - your thoughts and feelings aren’t normal. Don’t always trust them. Don’t always try and interpret them.

OxCD: I'm trying to not trust them but it's so damn hard when they are so powerful and overwhelming. 

6 hours ago, felix4 said:

I hope I've not confused matters here.

Felix: Nope, no confusion caused, don't worry. I'm a bit a scared after reading your reply but I guess this is how CBT works. 

4 hours ago, malina said:

Now sexual arousal is a fairly simple physiological response, if mental illness is powerful enough to make people hear or see things that are not physically there, don't you think mental illness can also make someone feel a false sense of arousal?

Malina: This makes a lot of sense. I guess OCD, as a mental illness, can create false feelings. However, and I'm not trying to be rude, I don't know if it can go as far as false sense of arousal. Maybe it can indeed but I just find it very hard to believe. 

 

Once again, thank you for help and support. And I hope you are not too frustrated with me being so stubborn, negative and selfish. 

[Cora]

I shouldn't probably add this part as I think that this is a very rude thing to do after receiving so much help, and I understand if you don't want to reply to my posts and help me anymore because of this, but this is how I'm currently feeling and I would like to share it with you. 

I don't want to be mean, but after reading your replies I felt much, much worse about having those urges and feelings of arousal. I used to feel very guilty for having them, but now I've reached a new level of guilt. I know that you have not said a single bad word about me, quite the contrary, only nice and encouraging words, but I can't help but feeling like a complete failure and monster in your eyes. I also know that you have never judged me but I can't help but feel like I'm reaching lower and lower levels of shame and disgust, and probably should stop coming here because of that. I'm sorry about this...

I feel alone in this. I haven't met someone with a similar story yet. I'm aware that people with OCD have very different stories from person to person but still... And because I haven't met anyone with similar 'symptoms' my doubt that this is not OCD is further fueled. Why do I have to be so different and weird (I know I have been told that I'm not but I do feel this way)?! I mean, I've always felt different (in an awkward way) than the rest of people in my life so maybe that'why... although we all know that's not the answer.  

I really don't know what to do with all this. How can I move on knowing that there is a huge chance that this is not OCD?!
But I do know that I want all of this to stop. I can't stand what I've become and I want myself dead. 

I'm sorry for sounding and being like this. I'm tired as I've only finished work about an hour and a bit ago. 

 

[malina]

6 hours ago, Cora said:

Malina: This makes a lot of sense. I guess OCD, as a mental illness, can create false feelings. However, and I'm not trying to be rude, I don't know if it can go as far as false sense of arousal. Maybe it can indeed but I just find it very hard to believe.

Hi Cora,

nobody has ever said that you are different or weird, except you. You are actively looking for ways to be different, as in the response above. You can believe that OCD produces false physical feelings, but you doubt that it produces that one that you are feeling (even though false sexual arousal is actually very common in OCD). You do this so often too, I could tell you that lots of people report that they enjoy/want these intrusive feelings, but you'd come back and say how it's different to what you feel for some reason. We could have this endless debate about how all your symptoms are very common and not unusual at all, but you would always come back with a retort that you are different from everyone else because of some particular feature, which only you find to be different. And being SO different and weird, you've somehow managed to convince more than one mental health professional and an entire OCD community to believe you have OCD. Not just to believe it, we are trying to convince you of it and urging you to treat it as OCD. That is really interesting.

6 hours ago, Cora said:

I really don't know what to do with all this. How can I move on knowing that there is a huge chance that this is not OCD?!

But I do know that I want all of this to stop. I can't stand what I've become and I want myself dead.

And what if it is OCD? What if you wake up one day and realise that you've made a grave mistake, that you have wasted huge parts of your life suffering, hating yourself and wanting to die all because of a treatable anxiety disorder?

I once read this really fantastic article about OCD that stuck with me, where this woman talked about all her fears and how she felt, like you and many others (myself included), that it was dangerous to let them go or ignore them, because there was always a chance they could be true. After spending most of her adult life suffering, she came to the conclusion that out of all these 'risks', very few came true. The only bad thing that had ever really happened to her was the suffering that she had to endure because of OCD.

I know that you see yourself as this monster who should be stopped and locked up to keep others safe. What I see is an incredibly confused young person, who is suffering a great deal and is at risk of spiraling further into this mental illness. So that is why I am responding to your posts and why I really hope that you will keep the appointment with the psychiatrist and push towards getting treatment. You need professional help because you need guided and structured support in dealing with this.

So as always, stay strong and try not to waste your Sunday thinking about this!

[PolarBear]

There is no chance this is not OCD. None.

You will have to take a leap of faith that we know what we are talking about and simply start to treat this as OCD. 

It isn't our job to argue with you and spend a lot of time trying to convince you. At some point you just have to go for it.

[hazydaze]

@Cora this is what the disorder does. Lots and lots of great advice on here... such as do not underestimate OCD and what/how it can make you feel. But I second what PolarBear said. At some point, you need to just go for it. You can confess as much as you want but can you tell that this hasn't helped you? Have you also noticed how no matter what you tell us, we don't think this is anything other than OCD? 
You aren't going to convince us that you are a monster. You can re-word and confess different "details" for the rest of your life and you won't feel any better. You need to start taking the advice we have given. It is your way through. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but we all know that you are suffering from a disorder that is clearly stealing your quality of life! And you deserve to be happy xoxo 
You can do this. Stop engaging with your thoughts. Trust us, don't trust the OCD.

Very best wishes. I completely have felt like you have and I get it. I'm sure we all do. Maybe our exact symptoms can be "different," but we have all felt like our OCD isn't OCD. "It's somehow not OCD cause of this, or because of that. Something doesn't match up with others." Ironically, this is completely normal for OCD. Another common OCD lie. It's all the same - "different" symptoms or not, this is OCD. We have all probably had completely unique symptoms of one kind or another. Doesn't mean a darn thing. It's still OCD.

This can and does get better. Again, you can do this! 

Edited August 31, 2020 by hazydaze

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina, @PolarBear and @hazydaze.

On 30/08/2020 at 15:45, PolarBear said:

It isn't our job to argue with you and spend a lot of time trying to convince you. At some point you just have to go for it.

I know this. And I apologise that I'm being so hard to work with.

I'm feeling very miserable at the moment (even it doesn't seem so at times as I'm spending a lot of nice and lovely time with my boyfriend and family where I'm feeling happy and calm). I don't know if this is just in my head but to me it seems that things are getting weirder and more disgusting. The false (if it false indeed) incest feelings I'm experiencing are stronger and more overwhelming than they were last week. I get them everywhere I go and anything I do - while going for a walk in the park, while watching TV, while seeing my mother giving my brother a hug, and many more innocent moments like these ones, and it's simply killing me as nothing, not a single thing, from my life is normal anymore.
Even if I detest these feelings I just can't ignore their realness; they are now part of me and I have to accept that I guess. However, I'm becoming more and more suicidal because of these feelings, and I don't really know what to do. On the one hand I want to end all this as I think the world (and by that I mainly mean family, including boyfriend and friends) doesn't need someone like me, but on the other hand I'm afraid I will cause more harm than I can anticipate if I do decided to do it.

And it's not all just about incest feelings. Some other stuff have happened in the past few days that have massively contributed to this weird and very, very sad state I am currently in.
(I apologise beforehand for the details.) I was being intimate with my boyfriend last night when I probably had one of the worst thoughts ever. I'm sorry, the thought is terrible but if I don't let it out, I won't be able to function for a good amount of days. The thought was that I would rather be intimate with a child than my boyfriend as that seems more interesting. I, of course, don't want this ever to happen, but in that moment I think I agreed with thought, wanted it to happen, and also somehow initiated it. I tried to ignore what happened but it was so real that I just couldn't, and have been thinking about it since then. I feel very dirty, and I think that no matter how many showers I were to take I would still feel this disgusted with myself.

I've also been dealing with having disgusting scenarios about children in my head. I know this will make no sense but they seem to be only half intrusive, and by that I mean that the scenario pops into my head, and even if I don't like it I still have this urge to complete it witch means thinking about the scenario on purpose. It's weird and inexplicable, and it makes me feel even more ashamed and guilty. 

I know I haven't said anything new, and there is probably nothing else that could be added by you, but this whole situation is getting more and more terrifying day by day. There are so many wrong things about me and I want to fix them, but I just don't know how to, or if it's actually worth it. I keep seeing posts on social media about how important it is to be kind to yourself when you're struggling with a mental illness, and how it is not your fault that you have to deal with so much, but I always feel the opposite way - I could never be kind to myself because I know I don't deserve it, and it is my fault because I've done too many bad things as well as engaged with my thoughts and feelings too may times. 

I'm very disappointed with who I am at the moment, and I don't know if there's any hope left for me. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by Cora

[Armadillo22]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina, @PolarBear and @hazydaze.

I know this. And I apologise that I'm being so hard to work with.

I'm feeling very miserable at the moment (even it doesn't seem so at times as I'm spending a lot of nice and lovely time with my boyfriend and family where I'm feeling happy and calm). I don't know if this is just in my head but to me it seems that things are getting weirder and more disgusting. The false (if it false indeed) incest feelings I'm experiencing are stronger and more overwhelming than they were last week. I get them everywhere I go and anything I do - while going for a walk in the park, while watching TV, while seeing my mother giving my brother a hug, and many more innocent moments like these ones, and it's simply killing me as nothing, not a single thing, from my life is normal anymore.
Even if I detest these feelings I just can't ignore their realness; they are now part of me and I have to accept that I guess. However, I'm becoming more and more suicidal because of these feelings, and I don't really know what to do. On the one hand I want to end all this as I think the world (and by that I mainly mean family, including boyfriend and friends) doesn't need someone like me, but on the other hand I'm afraid I will cause more harm than I can anticipate if I do decided to do it.

And it's not all just about incest feelings. Some other stuff have happened in the past few days that have massively contributed to this weird and very, very sad state I am currently in.
(I apologise beforehand for the details.) I was being intimate with my boyfriend last night when I probably had one of the worst thoughts ever. I'm sorry, the thought is terrible but if I don't let it out, I won't be able to function for a good amount of days. The thought was that I would rather be intimate with a child than my boyfriend as that seems more interesting. I, of course, don't want this ever to happen, but in that moment I think I agreed with thought, wanted it to happen, and also somehow initiated it. I tried to ignore what happened but it was so real that I just couldn't, and have been thinking about it since then. I feel very dirty, and I think that no matter how many showers I were to take I would still feel this disgusted with myself.

I've also been dealing with having disgusting scenarios about children in my head. I know this will make no sense but they seem to be only half intrusive, and by that I mean that the scenario pops into my head, and even if I don't like it I still have this urge to complete it witch means thinking about the scenario on purpose. It's weird and inexplicable, and it makes me feel even more ashamed and guilty. 

I know I haven't said anything new, and there is probably nothing else that could be added by you, but this whole situation is getting more and more terrifying day by day. There are so many wrong things about me and I want to fix them, but I just don't know how to, or if it's actually worth it. I keep seeing posts on social media about how important it is to be kind to yourself when you're struggling with a mental illness, and how it is not your fault that you have to deal with so much, but I always feel the opposite way - I could never be kind to myself because I know I don't deserve it, and it is my fault because I've done too many bad things as well as engaged with my thoughts and feelings too may times. 

I'm very disappointed with who I am at the moment, and I don't know if there's any hope left for me. 

Hey Cora,

I haven't read your whole message as it is just more of the same. That's not a criticism. I don't blame you as OCD is incredibly difficult to deal with. We all feel like what we are going through is somehow different, somehow we're one of the few people who doesn't have OCD and are actually twisted individuals. Trust me, I've been there and I am often in that state of mind today. I am still dealing with my own problems so I can't (and no one can for that matter) offer you all the answers but from much research, therapy and reading I can tell you that you will doubt whatever reassurance we give you. I doubt my therapist all the time and they foresee this because they know about OCD. What I have learnt is that no matter what people tell me, whether it be my family, my friends or even my therapist I will never be satisfied with their answers. There is a very good reason my therapist doesn't offer reassurance often and it's because it only makes the problem worse. It's like trying to quench your thirst with salt water. It simply will not work. It will do the opposite.

One thing that helps me with obsessive thoughts is just doing stuff. You don't have to feel comfortable. You don't have to want to do whatever it is. You don't have to enjoy every bit of it. But just do things. Every now and then you'll notice that things were okay for a few seconds. Once you notice you'll start to feel terrible again and the misery will return. Continue. Let the misery be there. Don't try and get rid of it. By trying to get rid of it it will remain a problem. It will feel horrible the whole time but just let it be and with time those period of calm will get slightly longer. Maybe after a while you'll notice that you went an hour without dwelling on your thoughts.

Reading, hiking, cleaning whatever. Just try it.

Edited September 2, 2020 by Armadillo22

[hazydaze]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I was being intimate with my boyfriend last night when I probably had one of the worst thoughts ever. I'm sorry, the thought is terrible but if I don't let it out, I won't be able to function for a good amount of days. The thought was that I would rather be intimate with a child than my boyfriend as that seems more interesting. I, of course, don't want this ever to happen, but in that moment I think I agreed with thought, wanted it to happen, and also somehow initiated it. I tried to ignore what happened but it was so real that I just couldn't, and have been thinking about it since then. I feel very dirty, and I think that no matter how many showers I were to take I would still feel this disgusted with myself.

@Cora , this is OCD. I promise you. I've gotten this stuff too. And I know exactly what you mean when you say you're worried that you went with the thought and liked it and all that jazz.... cause I have OCD too and have had these same types of thoughts. I only pulled this one chunk from your post but every single thing you are saying is OCD. You are obsessing so much, your thoughts are becoming more and more troubling, and that says nothing about who you are as a person. It's pretty crystal clear you don't like these thoughts, no matter what little "What if i liked it, what if I meant it, what if I enforced it, what if what if what if," OCD throws at you. If you're hearing what if's, tell OCD "What if I just told you to **** off and stopped paying attention to you?" There's actually an answer to that one. You'll start to recover.

It's your obsession being reinforced because you chose to engage with it, chose to worry about it, choose to believe that you could be a monster when clearly you are not a monster. I know that it isn't easy. That's why despite you going over the same things, we are still here to help you because we know how difficult it is. You don't need to be sorry. You just need to help yourself.

I know about feeling suicidal over OCD. Suicide is never the answer. I'm sorry OCD has brought you to that dark place where those thoughts cross your mind, but please do not think that way. You will get better from this. 

Be kind to yourself absolutely. You are suffering greatly right now, and it's not because you are secretly a terrible person. It's because you have a disorder that is causing you to obsess and perform compulsions and the compulsions are reinforcing the obsessions and they keep getting worse. It's no surprise to me that the intrusive thoughts are worse now, because that's exactly what happens, to all of us. You continue entertaining your OCD, it's going to get stronger (worse). You need to stop. What have you got to lose? I totally get feeling like you "don't deserve it," but that is not true. That's an OCD lie. Stop listening to it. Take a chance. I did. And now I'm here today, helping you. You can do this Cora.

Edited September 2, 2020 by hazydaze

[hazydaze]

12 minutes ago, Armadillo22 said:

One thing that helps me with obsessive thoughts is just doing stuff. You don't have to feel comfortable. You don't have to want to do whatever it is. You don't have to enjoy every bit of it. But just do things. Every now and then you'll notice that things were okay for a few seconds. Once you notice you'll start to feel terrible again and the misery will return. Continue. Let the misery be there. Don't try and get rid of it. By trying to get rid of it it will remain a problem. It will feel horrible the whole time but just let it be and with time those period of calm will get slightly longer. Maybe after a while you'll notice that you went an hour without dwelling on your thoughts.

 

This is gold. 100% accurate.

[IsabelJ]

Hi Cora, 

I'm new to the forum but not new to OCD, it stuck its claws into me completely out of the blue about 3 years ago, and in a very similar way to what it has with you. It's recently come back in the form of ROCD, so that's fun. 

I 100% agree with what @hazydazesays above, she should go into therapy for a job!

If I were to add my 2 pence (even though it's been said countless times on this forum) I would say the thing that has stuck with me is this: the very fact that you are worrying THIS much about this whole subject proves in itself that this is OCD. You care THAT much about your brother/children/whatever the ocd sinks it's teeth into, and that is why it's focused on those subjects, because it's trying to hit you where it hurts. 

You probably will find any advice anyone gives you hard to get into your head before therapy, but please just try to listen to us and not your ocd in the meantime. 

Also in the meantime - audiobooks & podcasts to fall asleep to, so you can't even hear the voices in your head. 

All the best for therapy, it will really help. 

[Cora]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, @Armadillo22, @hazydaze and @IsabelJ. And thank you for all you kind words and advice. I really appreciate it! 

[Laura86]

Hi Cora,

I can't offer much more than anyone else has said however I'd like you to know I have had VERY much the same thoughts as you. 

I am in a new relationship which is probably why I seem to be having a blip at the moment and we were being intimate and what thought pops in my head "please don't think of children whilst being intimate " but instead of spiralling I laughed it off because even though it isn't a nice thought I knew full well it was OCD rearing its bloody ugly head. 

I have suffered with OCD since 8 years old and have had POCD for 15 years or so. I don't think there has been one thought I've not had (or sensation or urge). Please keep your appointment with the psychiatrist....think of it this way, it can't get worse for you but it can get better!

Edited September 3, 2020 by Laura86

[hazydaze]

23 hours ago, IsabelJ said:

I 100% agree with what @hazydazesays above, she should go into therapy for a job!

 

You are so sweet, thanks for that compliment  

And since I'm here, I hope you are doing better today @Cora ! And if not,  which is ok because it takes time, I hope you are following the advice given here and taking the steps that will allow you to break free and live your life and begin to feel better. It will happen if you stop engaging with your thoughts.... It's been said, but take a leap of faith. You'll be amazed with what happens when you stop listening to your OCD.

Best wishes!
 

Edited September 3, 2020 by hazydaze

[Cora]

Thank you, @Laura86 and @hazydaze. 

Unfortunately, I feel terrible. Yesterday I kept having thoughts (and urges I think) that I wanted to molest my brother, and then later in the evening I watched a movie (Dark Encounter) where an uncle molested and killed his niece; the part that made me feel miserable was that it looked like he didn't want to do it (I think?!) but he did it anyway. What I'm saying probably doesn't make sense but I felt (and still do) like I was that uncle and my brother was that niece. Because of the urges and feelings I get I think I could be easily associated with a peadophile or a child abuser. Yes, I am scared of all these urges and feelings, and I want them gone, but that doesn't mean that I'm not one of those people. Besides, sometimes it feels that I want and like the thoughts, urges and feelings, that I think them on purpose, and that I initiate and entertain them in a perverted way, so that should tell me (or anyone else) that I'm dealing with something that is clearly not OCD but something so, so bad that makes me want to throw up instead. 

I know this is disrespectful to you because you've been trying to help and support me, and all I've been doing is just keep coming back with more venting and complaining without listening to anything you're telling me. I want to believe, take and use your advice, but I don't know how or if I deserve to when I feel so miserable and when I think that I'm this huge, disgusting monster. How can I take a leap of faith and act like this is OCD if I feel like I'm seconds away from acting on my urges?! (I'm so, so sorry!) 

I said that I was suicidal but I don't even know if that's true. I don't know if I want to die. I do want to end this pain however. I want to make sure that I don't impulsively harm someone. And I want to stop feeling like a failure and embarrassment to my family, even when they don't know about my struggles, and my boyfriend.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I'm so scared of myself. This is so terrible. University starts soon and I can already tell that it's going to be another disastrous year.

I feel like I'm slowly but very painfully reaching an end point. I'm sorry. 

[malina]

Hey Cora,

I can't really add much beyond what has been said already, but I really really hope that you will seek professional help. I hope that you are able to speak to the psychiatrist soon and, if not, you should call your GP again and follow up. You can also tell your university about the problems that you're having so that they can help make provisions for you, they have a responsibility to help with these things.

I really hope that you do follow this advice. I understand that this is all incredibly hard and that it is scary, but you can't allow yourself to be complacent when your mental health is at stake. If you had a physical illness, you'd call the doctor and try to get treatment. Mental illness shouldn't be treated differently, just because it's not visible doesn't make it less important or less debilitating to the sufferer. You don't have to believe that you have OCD, but at least acknowledge that your mental health is suffering and that this is cause enough to get treatment.

So please try to take care of yourself, to be rational and proactive. Sending you much love and positive vibes Cora

[Cora]

8 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I can't really add much beyond what has been said already, but I really really hope that you will seek professional help. I hope that you are able to speak to the psychiatrist soon and, if not, you should call your GP again and follow up. You can also tell your university about the problems that you're having so that they can help make provisions for you, they have a responsibility to help with these things.

I really hope that you do follow this advice. I understand that this is all incredibly hard and that it is scary, but you can't allow yourself to be complacent when your mental health is at stake. If you had a physical illness, you'd call the doctor and try to get treatment. Mental illness shouldn't be treated differently, just because it's not visible doesn't make it less important or less debilitating to the sufferer. You don't have to believe that you have OCD, but at least acknowledge that your mental health is suffering and that this is cause enough to get treatment.

So please try to take care of yourself, to be rational and proactive. Sending you much love and positive vibes Cora

Thank you so, so much for your support and kind words, malina. I really needed to hear this today. 

 

[hazydaze]

@Corayou need to trust the advice given here. It is your way out. Ignore every impulse you have telling you to spend time on your intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thought = lie.

I suggest listening to “Instructions for a Bad Day” by Shane Koyczan  It is available for free on youtube.com

I know you can break free from this. Keep going. We are here.

 

Edited September 4, 2020 by hazydaze

[Cora]

I don't want to be a burden but I would like to share something else with you that happened today. 

It was a weird thing and that's why I would like to apologise beforehand if it doesn't make sense. I would also like to apologise for the disturbing details. 
It all started with how I was bored (I know, with OCD you don't get bored too often but it still happened). Then I had a weird and disgusting thought that instead of doing something that I like, such as reading or finishing my first embroidery, I would rather molest my brother. That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was, and I'm sure about this, that I initiated the thought, and transformed it into an urge by arguing with it. By the time my brother came back home from school my urge was so terrible that I thought I would act on it. I kept feeling that I wanted to act on it while keep fighting back, and trying to prove myself that I didn't want it. The urge was so bad that at one point I had to lock myself in my room and try to stay as far away as possible from my brother. After a good two hours where I thought like the worst criminal ever, the whole thing stopped all of a sudden. 

Even though I'm much calmer now, I can't stop thinking how much of what happened today can be associated with the movie I saw yesterday (as I mentioned in my previous post). I can't stop associating myself with a child abuser and paedophile. Even if I didn't hurt my brother it felt like I wanted to, and that tells me so much. In the movie, the uncle seemed to tried avoiding molesting his niece but he still did it. I didn't do anything today, but what if I do tomorrow? 

I'm currently surprisingly calm and I don't know how to interpret it. Right now I'm next to my brother as he's falling asleep while'm typing this out, and I'm not feeling anything disgusting or sexual (maybe because I'm trying to control my body?!) which makes me feel better. However, I'm still very concerned about what happened today, and mostly about the fact that the thought and urge were mainly initiated by me, barely felt intrusive, and I felt like I wanted to act on them.

I know there's nothing to be added advice-wise because it's always the same problem but I'm afraid this one is different as it was created by me on purpose. Although I'm calm now before bed, I'm scared that when I wake up I will be overwhelmed with a lot of guilt and the urge to revisit the moment. 

Once again, I'm confused and I don't know how to approach this situation. 

Edited September 4, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

51 minutes ago, hazydaze said:

@Corayou need to trust the advice given here. It is your way out. Ignore every impulse you have telling you to spend time on your intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thought = lie.

I suggest listening to “Instructions for a Bad Day” by Shane Koyczan  It is available for free on youtube.com

I know you can break free from this. Keep going. We are here.

 

Thank you, @hazydaze. I'm sorry I'm hard work. 

[malina]

53 minutes ago, Cora said:

Even though I'm much calmer now, I can't stop thinking how much of what happened today can be associated with the movie I saw yesterday (as I mentioned in my previous post). I can't stop associating myself with a child abuser and paedophile. Even if I didn't hurt my brother it felt like I wanted to, and that tells me so much. In the movie, the uncle seemed to tried avoiding molesting his niece but he still did it. I didn't do anything today, but what if I do tomorrow?

Well firstly, can you see your own bias here? You go on an OCD forum, where everyone tells you that you have OCD, yet you seem to work incredibly hard to find differences in your experience and think that you don't fit the criteria. But you watch a movie that matches the fear you have and you immediately think "this is me!!", even though it's just a film, whether it's based on a true story or not.

57 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know there's nothing to be added advice-wise because it's always the same problem but I'm afraid this one is different as it was created by me on purpose. Although I'm calm now before bed, I'm scared that when I wake up I will be overwhelmed with a lot of guilt and the urge to revisit the moment. 

Once again, I'm confused and I don't know how to approach this situation. 

Well, so what if it was created by you on purpose? Has anything happened? Has someone gotten hurt? No, right? So don't allow yourself to ruminate. Let it go, that is the only way, Cora.

[Cora]

Thank you, malina! I sincerely appreciate that you keep replying to my posts, it means so much to me! 

I've tried to let it go but, as I predicted last night, this morning it all came back with full force. I've been in a constant state of rumination and anxiety since I woke up. I've been trying to distract myself by spending some time in the garden while everyone else in the house was asleep. But then my brother wake up and it all started over again. I've had a couple of moments where the urge felt so real and overwhelming that I thought I would explode. I'm just very scared that because it feels so real, and because at times I'm bringing it up on purpose (not as a compulsion though) it has to mean something bad. 

[OxCD]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina! I sincerely appreciate that you keep replying to my posts, it means so much to me! 

I've tried to let it go but, as I predicted last night, this morning it all came back with full force. I've been in a constant state of rumination and anxiety since I woke up. I've been trying to distract myself by spending some time in the garden while everyone else in the house was asleep. But then my brother wake up and it all started over again. I've had a couple of moments where the urge felt so real and overwhelming that I thought I would explode. I'm just very scared that because it feels so real, and because at times I'm bringing it up on purpose (not as a compulsion though) it has to mean something bad. 

@Cora The longer you don’t listen the worse it’s going to get. Only you can be brave and say “enough”. Sorry to be blunt but only you can sort this out.

Edited September 5, 2020 by OxCD

[Cora]

On 05/09/2020 at 16:37, OxCD said:

Cora The longer you don’t listen the worse it’s going to get. Only you can be brave and say “enough”. Sorry to be blunt but only you can sort this out.

Yes, I understand this, @OxCD. You're not being blunt, it's what I really need to do.