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Not helping myself


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Hi, I suffer from POCD and have been suffering massively for the last few months. I was starting to feel a bit calmer last few days but today I started to google stories about pedophiles - I know it’s the wrong thing to do but I just felt something I may read may to prove to me I’m not one of them. I then read a sentence in the article that said ‘ he can’t have sexual relationships with the people he wants - children that haven’t reached puberty yet’ and I got a groinal response. I feel so sick now and Ive been reading the same article to see what my reaction is Over and over again for a few hours now. I just wish I hadn’t googled in the first place. Really have messed up and now I feel guilty and can’t work out why I had that response. 

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Hi rachel. 

You need to stop. Period. Googling initially was a compulsion and doing it repeatedly after is all making your situation worse.

Go do something else. Anything. Get your mind onto other matters and leave the OCD behind.

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Thank you for your quick reply. I know it was a compulsion To google  but it was Just so strong an urge to look and try to find something to help me feel better. I have spent hours trying to work out what part of the sentence gave me a groinal response and why. I’ve then been thinking if I read this when I wasn’t in the thick of my ocd how would I have reacted? It’s all such a mind scramble isn’t it. I have plenty to do right now but just feel I need to sort out why I got a groinal response . 

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8 minutes ago, rachel23 said:

Thank you for your quick reply. I know it was a compulsion To google  but it was Just so strong an urge to look and try to find something to help me feel better. I have spent hours trying to work out what part of the sentence gave me a groinal response and why. I’ve then been thinking if I read this when I wasn’t in the thick of my ocd how would I have reacted? It’s all such a mind scramble isn’t it. I have plenty to do right now but just feel I need to sort out why I got a groinal response . 

You don’t need to. You want to. That is different. You want certainty you can’t have. In fact, the irony is that your googling will have made you even more unsure. So you started uncertain and got even more uncertain. The best solution? Settle for the original uncertainty.... Don’t google it, just let it be....

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That's the OCD trap though. The same one all sufferers walk into. You think you need to do compulsions to solve a problem but OCD will never give you a final answer. You just do more and more compulsions, without ever solving the perceived problem.

I have been helping sufferers for six years now. In that time I've talked to hundreds of sufferers. Not once, not ever, has any of them said, finally after days/weeks/months of doing the same compulsion, I finally figured it out.

The only way out of this mind mess you are in is to stop looking for an answer. The question will still exist a month from now, but by then it won't seem all that important.

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Hey Rachel

You are helping yourself - you came on here to share your story and seek help. That is a fantastic step and I'm so proud of you. 

If it helps, I had this trouble today as well. I turned on my laptop and felt the old urge to go onto a fundamentalist Christian website that I knew would upset me and almost gave in. Instead I turned my laptop off and went to find my landlady's dog for a cuddle and had a cry on her shoulder. She invited me to come and watch an episode of Rome with her but for a few moments, my mood just fluctuated. I can only imagine how you must be feeling because it's so upsetting, isn't it? All my love to you right now. I felt like I'd relapsed and was so upset with myself; I couldn't cope one little bit and it was like I'd regressed.

We're both going to be okay. It helped to be in company for a bit and I find it helps to prioritise the things I need to do; so my best friend's birthday is soon and I need to finish this cross-stitch for her. This feeling will pass, I promise. Maybe do something nice for yourself? Like you, I'm trying to figure this out; I'm trying to 'figure out' if I believe what these people are saying and if this is the path for me. It's pouring down with rain and it's helped to open the blinds and just look at what's right in front of me. 

Lots of love to you,

C x :hug:  

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Thank you for your help and I know what I really should be doing and what is unhelpful. After posting this, I stupidly continued to read the rest of the article and the pedophile said ‘ I believe some children find it fun to be tickled underneath their knickers’ and I again had a sexual feeling towards it which makes me feel dreadful. I’ve then pictured that happening to children and adults too over and over again To see how I’d react and I do get sexual feelings towards it. I’m trying to reassure myself by saying ‘tickled underneath their knickers’ is Related to sex and it’s just because it’s sexual that my brain is reacting to it. I’m just going crazy over here. I know it’s wrong to google and wverytime I do I normally find something that makes me worse. I just have spent hours now trying to work out if I had that reaction just because it was a sentence related to something sexual. This is all so exhausting. I just want to be free of this and have a nice weekend. I feel I need to be kinder to myself but on the over hand I feel like a sicko and a monster. 

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