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Feeling terrified! please help me to calm down


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I am not sure if this is OCD or not but I've been worrying about the same thing all day and struggling to stop ruminating. I have posted about similar fears several times before but they are related fears. (sorry I'm tired so this is a bit confused!)

My Mum got back from work yesterday with shockingly purple lips and pale skin. Her lips looked cyanotic (lack of oxygen circulating in blood or issue with circulation) and I'm now incredibly scared that she has lung cancer. She has had blue-ish lips a lot for at least a couple of months but she has put it down to her severe migraines (she has always had very short periods of blue-tinged lips with migraine attacks but it usually goes away afterwards and they're never truly purple). I've been concerned that she might have cancer for a while as her breath-sound is unusual and she feels tired and dizzy a lot. 

I really don't know how I'll cope if she is ill. I am scared that because it seems like she might have had cancer symptoms for ama couple of years now (rattly breathing; fatigue; possible anaemia; now blue lips) that she might have advanced cancer and I don't know what to do. 

We are due to go on holiday on Saturday and I want to be able to enjoy it and not worry about this constantly. 

Also just wondered what people think about this - we have an Oximeter, which measures blood-oxygen levels, which we've not yet used. She could use it tomorrow but it might show low SATs and then she'd either have to see the GP anyway and delay the holiday or I'd spend the whole holiday worrying. Do you think it's worth checking anyway? 

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1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

My Mum got back from work yesterday with shockingly purple lips and pale skin. Her lips looked cyanotic (lack of oxygen circulating in blood or issue with circulation) and I'm now incredibly scared that she has lung cancer. She has had blue-ish lips a lot for at least a couple of months but she has put it down to her severe migraines (she has always had very short periods of blue-tinged lips with migraine attacks but it usually goes away afterwards and they're never truly purple). I've been concerned that she might have cancer for a while as her breath-sound is unusual and she feels tired and dizzy a lot.

I am sorry you are having a tough time @BelAnna, I know its not easy.  Regarding your mothers symptoms, if she is concerned she should discuss them with a doctor, I don't think many/any of us here would be qualified to tell you her situation.  You can certainly suggest it to her if you are concerned, but ultimately she has to make the choice/want to do it.  As frustrating as it might be for you and your worries, if she doesn't want to get checked you may just have to accept that.
 

1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

Also just wondered what people think about this - we have an Oximeter, which measures blood-oxygen levels, which we've not yet used. She could use it tomorrow but it might show low SATs and then she'd either have to see the GP anyway and delay the holiday or I'd spend the whole holiday worrying. Do you think it's worth checking anyway? 

I have a pulse-oximeter too, I got it because I have asthma and with the potential complications of COVID it was convenient to be able to check if I started feeling ill.  That said I've never had to use it yet (other than when I first got it to try it out).  They are pretty quick and easy to use unless the one you have is a more fancy/complicated model?  Mine just fits on your finger and takes a couple seconds to measure.  You could ask your mom to check it, if you are concerned but keep in mind even if the results are ok, you might continue to worry and feel an urge to make her keep checking.  I think It would be reasonable to ask your mom to check if she is still showing symptoms, but you have to abide by her decision.

If the results are low and she needs to check with her GP, then it is what it is, delaying a holiday might be disappointing but its not the end of the world, I promise.

Ultimately, worrying will not change the situation.  Part of living with OCD and managing it is learning to accept uncertainty.  Health is an area where there can be great uncertainty.  You can continue to ruminate/obsesses/etc. over potential health worries, but as PB points out thats very often worse than actually having to deal with a health crisis.  Its certainly possible you or your mom will get sick, over time its pretty much inevitable, it is simply the reality of human life.  Illness happens.  It can suck, but it is what it is.  Worrying about the possibility all the time prevents you from enjoying life to begin with.  Consider that if you are miserable all the time worrying about what MIGHT happen, then it doesn't matter if it does or doesn't happen, you are already in the bad place to begin with.

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11 hours ago, BelAnna said:

My Mum got back from work yesterday with shockingly purple lips and pale skin. Her lips looked cyanotic (lack of oxygen circulating in blood or issue with circulation) and I'm now incredibly scared that she has lung cancer. She has had blue-ish lips a lot for at least a couple of months but she has put it down to her severe migraines (she has always had very short periods of blue-tinged lips with migraine attacks but it usually goes away afterwards and they're never truly purple). I've been concerned that she might have cancer for a while as her breath-sound is unusual and she feels tired and dizzy a lot. 

I am not a medical doctor. I don’t think it is useful to panic or make your own diagnosis (that’s why doctors study for so long - so that they can make diagnoses). It won’t help if you assume the worst. 

At the same time I wouldn’t ignore this. 
I think checking this with a doctor would be a very sensible thing to do. 
I hope everything is fine. 

Edited by DC82
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11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I'm no expert so I'm not going to answer. However, I suspect that the worry you put yourself through is harder than having to deal with a real health crisis.

Oh I hope so Polarbear. In my head I fear she'll die very soon, which feels like the worst thing in the world to me. I really hope this isn't true and is just me worrying excessively.

10 hours ago, dksea said:

I am sorry you are having a tough time @BelAnna, I know its not easy.  Regarding your mothers symptoms, if she is concerned she should discuss them with a doctor, I don't think many/any of us here would be qualified to tell you her situation.  You can certainly suggest it to her if you are concerned, but ultimately she has to make the choice/want to do it.  As frustrating as it might be for you and your worries, if she doesn't want to get checked you may just have to accept that.
 

I have a pulse-oximeter too, I got it because I have asthma and with the potential complications of COVID it was convenient to be able to check if I started feeling ill.  That said I've never had to use it yet (other than when I first got it to try it out).  They are pretty quick and easy to use unless the one you have is a more fancy/complicated model?  Mine just fits on your finger and takes a couple seconds to measure.  You could ask your mom to check it, if you are concerned but keep in mind even if the results are ok, you might continue to worry and feel an urge to make her keep checking.  I think It would be reasonable to ask your mom to check if she is still showing symptoms, but you have to abide by her decision.

If the results are low and she needs to check with her GP, then it is what it is, delaying a holiday might be disappointing but its not the end of the world, I promise.

Ultimately, worrying will not change the situation.  Part of living with OCD and managing it is learning to accept uncertainty.  Health is an area where there can be great uncertainty.  You can continue to ruminate/obsesses/etc. over potential health worries, but as PB points out thats very often worse than actually having to deal with a health crisis.  Its certainly possible you or your mom will get sick, over time its pretty much inevitable, it is simply the reality of human life.  Illness happens.  It can suck, but it is what it is.  Worrying about the possibility all the time prevents you from enjoying life to begin with.  Consider that if you are miserable all the time worrying about what MIGHT happen, then it doesn't matter if it does or doesn't happen, you are already in the bad place to begin with.

Thanks Dksea, you're right about learning to cope with uncertainty- I really struggle with that. I think I'll ask my Mum to use the Oximeter- I'm concerned that it will be low, that she'll refuse to go to the GP and that I'll have good cause/evidence to be worried all holiday though. 

Our Oximeter is simple, I'm not sure how accurate it is but I can test it on myself and other family members first. I think I'm actually scared to see though. 

 

1 hour ago, DC82 said:

I am not a medical doctor. I don’t think it is useful to panic or make your own diagnosis (that’s why doctors study for so long - so that they can make diagnoses). It won’t help if you assume the worst. 

At the same time I wouldn’t ignore this. 
I think checking this with a doctor would be a very sensible thing to do. 
I hope everything is fine. 

Thanks DC82, you're right that it's not helping to assume the worst- I honestly feel despair over this and it's unhealthy. I will ask her to make an appointment though.

Thank you Polarbear, Dksea and DC82.

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Okay so I faced it and my Mum's oxygen sats are 96%. I'm not really sure what to make of that as it's at the bottom of the normal range and some people with COPD and other lung conditions can have sats of 96. Mine is 98-99 (despite mild asthma), other family members are 97(with heart condition) to 100 (healthy, young adult). (Also I was clearly panicky as my pulse was 130!).

I think that as her levels aren't below 95% she's going to make an appointment for when we get back but I'm still very concerned.

Edited by BelAnna
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5 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I'm concerned that it will be low, that she'll refuse to go to the GP and that I'll have good cause/evidence to be worried all holiday though.

Even though you've added more info about the levels I want to address this part first, as if you didn't check.
Even if the levels were low, that doesn't mean you have to continue to ruminate/worry about it.  It MIGHT be an indication of a problem, but it also might not, or the problem might not be a big deal, etc.  Also, it means you may have SOME cause, but it doesn't mean you have GOOD cause.  Whatever the levels are, you have a choice, you can focus on it and ruminate on it and waste the time on holiday over something you can't change OR you can accept that it is what it is, your mom will or won't deal with it at some point, but for now at least you might as well focus on the holiday and having a good time.  After all, if you aren't going to enjoy the time you do have on holiday, with your family, etc., whats the point of being healthy anyway?  IMO you might as well enjoy yourself when and where you can, there will be plenty of time to worry and feel bad IF there is an actual problem.  If there is, worrying about it won't change the situation. If there isn't, you'll have wasted all that time worrying.  I know you can't just easily change your behavior, OCD and all, but you should try to focus on that type of thinking.  Try to set that as your goal.
 

4 hours ago, BelAnna said:

Okay so I faced it and my Mum's oxygen sats are 96%. I'm not really sure what to make of that as it's at the bottom of the normal range

You make of it thats its in the normal range.  Bottom of normal is still normal :) See how even knowing the results you still worry?  Thats why its dangerous to rely on that sort of checking when it comes to OCD!  Even good news isn't good ENOUGH for OCD minds.

 

Quote

and some people with COPD and other lung conditions can have sats of 96.

See? There is always a "but what if/but what about" when it comes to OCD. Your brain can ALWAYS do that.  What if the oximeter is broken?  What if you measured it wrong?  What if shes fine now but not tomorrow, or the next day?  What if? What if? What if?  I know I might sound like a broken record, but sometimes (ok often) us OCD sufferers are very hard headed :D  Worrying won't change anything!  Obviously someone you love being sick isn't a good thing, you don't want that, none of us do.  But that doesn't mean every single symptom or possible sign is proof of the worst.  MAYBE your mom will get sick/is sick.  Thats possible.  Its also possible its no big deal.  You need to accept that as an OCD sufferer you are in a bad place to make determinations on these issues.  You have to choose to let others, like your mom, take the lead and learn to accept their choices.  It may not be what you want, and thats frustratin, I absolutely get that.  But like I said before, right now you are ALREADY miserable.  The worrying is taking away the enjoyment of time you have with your mother right now.  If she is sick you'll want to appreciate that now while you can.  If she's not, you should still probably appreciate it, because eventually all of us pass on (or so we assume, i mean its theoretically possible I am immortal, I have no evidence to the contrary ? ).  Focus on enjoying the now, live for the now, IF you need to deal with a bad situation in the future ok, you deal with it, and it might suck.  But it doesn't have to suck now too.  Give yourself the gift of letting go of the worry.  Give yourself permission to not ruminate, to not say what if, to not borrow trouble from the future.  Its ok, you can make that choice.  

 

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6 hours ago, dksea said:

Even though you've added more info about the levels I want to address this part first, as if you didn't check.
Even if the levels were low, that doesn't mean you have to continue to ruminate/worry about it.  It MIGHT be an indication of a problem, but it also might not, or the problem might not be a big deal, etc.  Also, it means you may have SOME cause, but it doesn't mean you have GOOD cause.  Whatever the levels are, you have a choice, you can focus on it and ruminate on it and waste the time on holiday over something you can't change OR you can accept that it is what it is, your mom will or won't deal with it at some point, but for now at least you might as well focus on the holiday and having a good time.  After all, if you aren't going to enjoy the time you do have on holiday, with your family, etc., whats the point of being healthy anyway?  IMO you might as well enjoy yourself when and where you can, there will be plenty of time to worry and feel bad IF there is an actual problem.  If there is, worrying about it won't change the situation. If there isn't, you'll have wasted all that time worrying.  I know you can't just easily change your behavior, OCD and all, but you should try to focus on that type of thinking.  Try to set that as your goal.
 

You make of it thats its in the normal range.  Bottom of normal is still normal :) See how even knowing the results you still worry?  Thats why its dangerous to rely on that sort of checking when it comes to OCD!  Even good news isn't good ENOUGH for OCD minds.

 

See? There is always a "but what if/but what about" when it comes to OCD. Your brain can ALWAYS do that.  What if the oximeter is broken?  What if you measured it wrong?  What if shes fine now but not tomorrow, or the next day?  What if? What if? What if?  I know I might sound like a broken record, but sometimes (ok often) us OCD sufferers are very hard headed :D  Worrying won't change anything!  Obviously someone you love being sick isn't a good thing, you don't want that, none of us do.  But that doesn't mean every single symptom or possible sign is proof of the worst.  MAYBE your mom will get sick/is sick.  Thats possible.  Its also possible its no big deal.  You need to accept that as an OCD sufferer you are in a bad place to make determinations on these issues.  You have to choose to let others, like your mom, take the lead and learn to accept their choices.  It may not be what you want, and thats frustratin, I absolutely get that.  But like I said before, right now you are ALREADY miserable.  The worrying is taking away the enjoyment of time you have with your mother right now.  If she is sick you'll want to appreciate that now while you can.  If she's not, you should still probably appreciate it, because eventually all of us pass on (or so we assume, i mean its theoretically possible I am immortal, I have no evidence to the contrary ? ).  Focus on enjoying the now, live for the now, IF you need to deal with a bad situation in the future ok, you deal with it, and it might suck.  But it doesn't have to suck now too.  Give yourself the gift of letting go of the worry.  Give yourself permission to not ruminate, to not say what if, to not borrow trouble from the future.  Its ok, you can make that choice.  

 

Hi Dksea, 

Thank you for helping! Yes, I think my first thought was that I was glad it wasn't below 95% (I think 94% is cause for concern) but then I started to worry about why it was lower than my Dad's (who has Coronary Heart Disease) and I'm still very concerned about why her lips are now almost permanently purple. She's agreed to go to the GP about her purple lips when we get back from the holiday so now I need to make a real effort not to worry on holiday. I will take your advice and let go of the worry as much as possible!

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On 28/08/2020 at 07:07, BelAnna said:

My Mum got back from work yesterday with shockingly purple lips and pale skin.

On 28/08/2020 at 07:07, BelAnna said:

She has had blue-ish lips a lot for at least a couple of months

If this is correct then you obviously need to check this with a doctor. I’ll stick with my previous suggestion. 

17 hours ago, DC82 said:

I think checking this with a doctor would be a very sensible thing to do. 

The NHS website states: “Blue skin or lips need to be checked urgently in hospital”. 

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/blue-skin-or-lips-cyanosis/

It doesn’t mean that there is a need to worry - just let the medical professionals check it out and see what they say. 

You don’t need to think the worst or anticipate disaster. Just have it checked with a medical professional. We all have medical issues at different time points that need checking. It is a part of life. 

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On 29/08/2020 at 04:58, DC82 said:

If this is correct then you obviously need to check this with a doctor. I’ll stick with my previous suggestion. 

The NHS website states: “Blue skin or lips need to be checked urgently in hospital”. 

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/blue-skin-or-lips-cyanosis/

It doesn’t mean that there is a need to worry - just let the medical professionals check it out and see what they say. 

You don’t need to think the worst or anticipate disaster. Just have it checked with a medical professional. We all have medical issues at different time points that need checking. It is a part of life. 

Thanks DC82. Cyanosis is lack of oxygen circulating within the blood, which is why I checked her oxygen sats. If my Mum went to A&E then they would do the same and send her away as it was over 95%. There are probably other illnesses though (including cancers) that could cause this so she is going to the GP when we get home.

Edited by BelAnna
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