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My last post - let it all out. Help needed


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Hopefully my last post as I feel I need to stop all this and move on.

My story:

I had this thought which was a result of checking out a girl from behind then realising she looked underage. I had thoughts telling me I was a P and that I don't deserve happiness. Straight after that moment I Google a well known porn site (PH) legal status. Yes, I do sometimes use this site and only this site - I'm sorry.

This bothers me as I don't know why I did this? Could it of been because of that girl I saw just minutes previously? I'm not sure. When I googled this I seen the word CP on a Wikipedia page and that frightened me. From that moment on I felt the best to describe as guilty, unhappy and upset. It bothered me all day. The thought that kept playing over in my head was that "I've seen/done something online" in relation to CP (not saying the word as it terrifies me). I can’t tell you what it is because I don’t know myself. Its just that I’ve access/seen/done something online. I have no memory of this and I’ve tried and tried to see if I could remember anything but there’s nothing there. So I have this feeling that I have. I would never do such a thing so why am I feeling like this like I have?

Was this an intrusive thought? I really hope so! That same night I had my first ever panic attack, since then I haven't been the same. Ever since then this thought/feeling I am now in constant panic that the police are coming for me and my life is going to be over. A year on and im constantly looking over my shoulder and in constant worry and panic. Counting the number of days that go by.

All of the above I feel would have been avoided if I didn't delete my search history when I seen that word CP. When I seen that word it terrified me so I delete it. I know it was only the word but by seeing that on my phone felt like I did something so bad.
When all this happen I was not in my usual environment. I was away for the weekend with my father on a pensioners coach trip. I left my 30 week pregnant girlfriend at home. The hotel I was staying at was horrible, absolutely dirty. I had to walk on towels and sleep on top of the bed. This might be irrelevant but I don't know but the environment was really dirty.

Whe I came home, I told my partner, employer and family everything, not missing out any details. It was embarrassing but I had to do it. I felt I needed to explain my story with people. Maybe this was reassurance but I did feel better after this.
After seeing my doctor, I set a time frame in my head. I thought well if no police come after 6 months then I haven't done anything, that changes to a year and now I'm a year its now 2 years. Again this makes me feel guilty but it helps more than trying to ignore the thought. I feel like I’m trying to work out how the police operate with people who have done this and I actually believe what my mind tells me.

The amount of searching I've done is incredible. I've been looking at my phone providers policies on illegal content to see how they stop you looking at stuff like that, I've gone to phone shops to ask if I can get my search history back. That was a no. I've mapped out my weekend away with my father noting every phone call, Skype, what's app, Facebook posts time and duration. I've noted the dates and times of all photos I took to try and have some sort of time line of what I was doing and where I was. This would give me some reassurance as I think to myself well where would I have time to do something like that. I've also spoke to my nephew who is a computer whiz and he mentioned things like that are on the darknweb. I have no idea what that is as I only use public Internet Google. Also my phone provider has a block against adult content when using mobile date but once on WiFi I can access it. Whilst I was away the hotel had no WiFi. All this was a little reassurance but it didn't last long. The thoughts then shifted from could I have done all this before I went away and only now thinking about it whilst I was away? All these what ifs.

I have checked every area of my phone looking through thousands of photos I have, downloads, miscellaneous files etc. There was nothing sinister there. I know there is not going to be anything sinister there but I just need to check for piece of mind. I had an issue with internal files that I could not open and worried what these were. After googling them I realised they were files attached to apps that I had downloaded. The internal workings for them.

At the time this happened I was signed out of my Google account so no history was record. I decided to look back over the past year prior to having episode when I was actually signed into my Google account to see if there was again anything sinister. As you could imagine this was very time consuming looking at what my search history was for each day. Excessive I know, but I had to check. There was nothing, only the most well known porn website PH now and again. This is embarrassing but need to get this out. So overall there was nothing there.

Another thing that I’m doing constantly is looking at my local news paper about caught P's as they are In my local paper mostly every week. Looking at what they did and what their punishment is. Not really sure why I'm doing this but when I read them I'm like "I haven't done that" again it makes me feel like i've done something. I’m always thinking about how I’m going to live my. Life and what life will be after the police comes. Why am I thinking this way? I’ve obviously a accepted I’ve done done sometime and thinking about the future. This is what disturbs me the most because I’m catastrophizing the future outcomes based on a feeling. Why can’t I say to myself “no Chris you haven’t done such thing” and move on. Why am I latched onto this feeling is its not true? Why for the past year have I obsessed over this? All this is totally out of character for me, I’ve never felt this way before so that’s why I doubt everything.
Two months before this all happened I read an article that went to the actual court hearing document. It said read at your own risk. This document was on a rock band website. I started to read the document and I got to the first paragraph and I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was discusting and horrific. I shut it off and deleted the downloaded court sentencing document. I panicked about this for days thinking what website I was actually on to read this. I had to go back to the site to check. I thought it could have been something illegal. As the man in question was in a rock band, that's why it was on the rock website. The site sold tickets to gigs and had news about up and coming bands. The site was nothing sinister but this did worry me very much. At this point I signed out of my Google account because I didn’t want to see that that website when I was on my works computer. When I would go on Google at lunch time it would come up in the search bar as a previous search and I didn’t want to see that website on there.

I think a main root of all this is that I used to have a close friend who actually did do the worst of the worst, he had loads of images and was caught. He was a very close friend and we were all shocked. I just couldn’t believe my friend could do something like this. Before my ordeal I used to imagine what it would like to be him now, what life is going to be like for him etc. I used to think about that and imagined if I was in his position. I used to get into his head and imagine what it would be like, it was freighting – I did this quite alot. So this was months before the my ordeal, could the thinking about him lead me up to thinking what if it was me. Does that make sense? Could my ordeal been because I used to think what life would be like for him.

Being a p would be my worst ever fear. I couldn't live with myself. It chills me to the core. To be honest I couldn’t think of anything worst in the word. It horrified me to be labelled one of them. I would have to end my life.
If I had done something like that wouldn't I have known by now? I hate saying it like that but I feel to accept I've done something wrong then to prove I haven't is easier than trying to ignore it. Is this a compulsion as I'm constantly trying to find evidence that I have? This points makes me sound guilt again and I’m sorry. I know this would be reassurance but I feel I need it.

Things that I’m doing to help but I know they are the opposite:

1.feel I need to read ocd literature for relief when I'm feeling in a state of panic even if it’s the same material that I have read before. This brings me back down to earth and what I read is comforting.

2.Counting the days since my horrible thought. Thinking the police are coming to get me any moment. Im now a year in and no police so now I'm questioning how short or long a year is. At first it was a long time but its only 52 weeks. My ocd is now telling me its not long enough and there is still time before the police show. The news’s articles I read somethings confirms this as I look at what they did and when. This to me determines a time scale. Silly or not?

3.I look forward to taking my tablets

4.Whenever I hear the word or read something about P it's fills me with terror and all these feelings and thoughts come to the front ofmy head.

When I'm out and I see maybe a girl I feel really uncomfortable. As you eyes naturally look around I ask myself did I look at her in an inappropriate way, did you look on purpose? I tell myself No to all this but I feel like I've committed a crime and then again I question myself who I am because of this.

A general question I have is would you as a person remember doing something horrible and illegal? Do you think you could just forget it and not remember any details. Surely if you did something of that nature you'd remember some detail at least.

What really baffles me that I can’t get my head around is this is the first time this has ever happened to me. I'm 33 and have never experienced anything like this before. This is why I doubt it's this type of ocd although I've had the checking/repeating OCD ever since I was 8. I would do crazy things and rituals but I just had to do it or else. I've had millions of thoughts before but this has ruined me. Does this one thought count as intrusive? Others who have OCD seem to have them all the time. I don't if this is ocd or not. This makes me doubt that it isn't intrusive as I don't have them all the time I am a worrier and worry about things that I may of said or done. Saying something sexual to a work colleague as a joke made me worry for days. I had to make sure I didn’t offend the person.

I find it very hard to look forward to future events as I'm thinking today's the day they will get me.
This might sound weird but when I'm out, looking at people being happy, seeing things in general, sounds etc. I could be walking down the road and the atmosphere feels dull on worrying as I'm thinking you'll never be able to look at these things or hear these things in the same way before I had this episode. I'm not sure if this makes sense to you but this is something I'm feeling. It's odd.
I'm think I've covered everything, I'm trying to write down everything regardless if it's little or not.

To conclude I really don't want my life to be like this, I am not and don't want to be a P. I don't want my thoughts to be true, I want a happy life and not to be constantly worrying if I have done this horrible thing but all this has a big cloud over me saying "What if" and then it all starts again.

My biggest fear is the police turning up, loosing my job, my family, my daughter, friends etc and being labled as a P. I couldn't live with myself and I have had thoughts about suicide if that were the case. It's upsetting and makes me feel sick. To top all this off I question all the above if it is ocd or not!

My partner is now getting annoyed with me because I am constantly on this site but using it l for the wrong reasons. I plan to nip this in the bud next week along with looking at my local newspaper.

I really want to try and let this go now, it’s gone on long enough but I’m afraid of trying to let go because I’m scared it will actually be true. I feel. I need to keep on guard if that makes sense. How long for I don’t know.

I really, really hope this is OCD!

I'm sorry for the long post but I need to get this all out.

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Hey Chris. 

You've come here looking for reassurance and I'm not going to give it to you. Reassurance seeking is a compulsion and man, do you ever do a lot of them.

Where you describe all the checking you've done, that's all compulsions. All of it. 

Compulsions don't work. You think you have to do them to solve a problem or to reduce the anxiety you feel, but they actually do the opposite. They actually reinforce the intrusive thoughts, causing more of them, and consequently leading to more anxiety and doubt. 

One compulsion you are doing that you are likely not aware of, is avoidance. You freak out and avoid writing certain words. Yeah, that's a compulsion and it is causing you harm. They are just words, letters strung together. But you have irrationally equated those words to doom and gloom. 

The paranoia you experience (waiting for the cops to show up) is a direct consequence of this subject always being on your mind. It's common with OCD.

You can get past this. It will take lots of work but it's doable.

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Thanks polarbear. 

Why do I feel like I have done this horrible thing? Why is the feeling of guilt and dread more powerful than the rational side of my brain. If I know I haven't done anything wrong, no memory of anything then why am I stuck on the negative side and believing that I have? 

Wouldnt the non ocd sufferer react in the same way as me if they thought they did something such taboo?

When people like yourself explain to me a out my situation I have a thought after saying "your only doing all this for sympathy and trying to pull the wool over people's eyes that you haven't don't something wrong" why am I thinking like this? 

My only hope I'd trying to find certainty that I haven't done anything wrong. Sometimes I feel like going to the police and to plead with them to tell me what I have supposed to have done wrong atleast then I feel this would be all over. 

 

Sorry to babble on. 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, Chris2020 said:

 

My only hope I'd trying to find certainty that I haven't done anything wrong. Sometimes I feel like going to the police and to plead with them to tell me what I have supposed to have done wrong atleast then I feel this would be all over. 

 

 

 

This is what's keeping you stuck. You are searching for 100% certainty which you can't have. The chance of you having done something like this and have no memory of it is so remote it's not even worth considering, much less spending a year of your life trying to figure it out. Let it go. If you don't you'll still be in the same situation a year from now and then 10 years from now.  Stopping compulsions is the only way to recover from this. It won't be quick and it won't be easy but if you stick with it you'll get there eventually. The alternative is to carry on as you are and let me tell you, the longer it goes on the harder it will be to pull yourself out of. 

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No, non-OCD sufferers would not feel the same way, primarily because they wouldn't have gotten an intrusive thought about it. Then there is the simple fact that you did NOTHING wrong.

The reason this is happening to you and why you feel so bad is because you have OCD and you are strongly reacting to the thoughts instead of dismissing them as irrelevant. 

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But what if I did do something wrong? Surely I would remeber it or have some kind of evidence or memory of it. My mind is saying what if you did this, what if you did that etc. 

When you say thoughts, it was only the one initial thought to begin with then all these other thoughts stemed from it. 

The initial thought was that I've seen/done something taboo online in relation to CP. The thoughts there after are all about how my life is going to go and catastrophizing and tbat my life is going to be over. I believe Im a good person I don't want it to go that way. Are these thoughts also intrusive because surely the normal person would also think this way. 

Sorry if I'm repeating myself but I just need to understand. 

In a nutshell how can one feel the way I do for the past year, worrying every day that the police are going to turn up from a thought? I just can't belive that, and I really want to belive that but I just can't grasp it.  I feel I can't allow myself to do that as I feel it is too real and true. Then I doubt whether I have done what my feelings are telling me, then I try to remember but there is nothing! Why can't I have that sigh of relief and say to myself, "you haven't done anything wrong, you have no image/video/website in your head about that horrible thing, so no need to worry. Get on with your life" 

 

 

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Hi,

I'm no expert but my take is the initial thoughts..after inadvertently checking the girl out, are the intrusive thoughts.

Thereafter all the other thoughts are you ruminating and seeking answers and certainty. These are compulsions resulting from the initial intrusive thought.

You don't get certainty, so you continue ruminating, searching for answers, distress continues.

Easier said than done I know, but you need to let this go and move on with your life.

 

 

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Chris, the reason you feel this way is because you have OCD. You gave significance to random thoughts and those thoughts stuck. And because you paid do much attention to them, the thoughts morph into new thoughts. It's a neverending circle.

You will not find the answers you seek by doing more compulsions. It never works. Only by leaving the thoughts alone can you find peace.

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Thanks polarbear. 

My main question is can the initial intrusive thought make you believe that you have done this horrible thing. I know. Its not the thought itself but the importance that I have attached to it. I didn't mean to do this but all elements of my storey was there to brew up the perfect storm. 

Is it normal with OCD to be actually 99% convinced you'd have done this horrendous thing? Can it do this. Do OCD and doubt lead you to believe this? 

Is it normal to think that I'm covering this up blaming OCD? When someone tells me I haven't done nothing wrong I then think "but what if I have". I see alot of people have groinaln responses, I don't have nothing of a sort like that and then I doubt whether this ocd or real because I don't have what other people have. 

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1 hour ago, Chris2020 said:

Thanks polarbear. 

My main question is can the initial intrusive thought make you believe that you have done this horrible thing. I know. Its not the thought itself but the importance that I have attached to it. I didn't mean to do this but all elements of my storey was there to brew up the perfect storm. 

Is it normal with OCD to be actually 99% convinced you'd have done this horrendous thing? Can it do this. Do OCD and doubt lead you to believe this? 

Is it normal to think that I'm covering this up blaming OCD? When someone tells me I haven't done nothing wrong I then think "but what if I have". I see alot of people have groinaln responses, I don't have nothing of a sort like that and then I doubt whether this ocd or real because I don't have what other people have. 

All of your doubts are so typical of OCD. Also, everyone is different, just because you don't experience all the exact symptoms as someone else doesn't mean that you don't have OCD. Are you getting therapy at the moment, or have you ever had any help for this?

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Thanks Malina, 

When I explained to my doctor how I was feeling it was very embarrassing and awkward. How to tell somebody you have a strong feeling that you've done something terrible such as feeling like i've accessed something online. I was scared and didn't want to be jugded. I didn't know if telling him was for the best or not because let's face it I'm sure it's not everyday they hear things like that. 

Anyway at this point I knew quite alot about OCD and was positive it was that but he told me it wasn't OCD as I don't have the traits i.e washing hands and that it's probably GAD. I was so annoyed and this made me feel like my life was over if this wasn't ocd. 

I explained that I would like to see a mental health expert and this was done over the telephone. He asked me a few questions and said it sounds like a ocd. So I'm not sure if I'm diagnosed with OCD or not as it was a short conversation. 

They asked me to attened a mindfulness courses which I did but found this didn't help as when told try and clear your mind, I couldn't because the worry was just on loop in my head. For some reason though I did feel it was a safe zone whilst I was there. 

The doctor originally prescribed me with mitazapine then after speaking to the physiatrist he was he should have prescribed me sertraline. That's what I'm on now and I'm also on a waiting list for CBT. 

 

I really do appreciate the help fro you guys, taking your time to write back. I've been feeling much better today because of this but I know it could be seen as reassurance

Thanks 

 

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Oh yes, I remember now...the hand washing thing!!! What nonsense, I have experienced a whole bunch of OCD themes in my time and hand washing has never, ever come up for me. As you can hopefully see on this forum, many of us with OCD do not obsessively have to wash our hands.

CBT is really the best way, it'll teach you to understand your symptoms and learn ways to manage them. It's really tough being on a waiting list but, in the mean time, there are so many books about CBT that can help you understand all of this better.

In any case, I know this is incredibly hard but you are doing so many compulsions and they are making you worse. Trust me, OCD won't ever let you find certainty. Even if you had the answer right in front of your eyes, a doubt would emerge in your mind and you'd need to keep searching. So you have to learn to let this go.

 

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Thanks Polarbear. 

I've read about false memory and it seems a memory pops up months, years later and they worry about it. 

In my case, I checked out that girl, seen that word and there and then thought "I've seen/accessed something online". 

Do this still class as a false memory as it was in real time. 

It feels like I'm trying to find every loophole to say it's not OCD. Is this the work of OCD trying to keep me doubting and thinking what if all the time? 

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44 minutes ago, Chris2020 said:

t feels like I'm trying to find every loophole to say it's not OCD. Is this the work of OCD trying to keep me doubting and thinking what if all the time? 

Yes you are and it's very common to do that. OCD makes you doubt everything and I think that a lot of sufferers have trouble accepting that they do have OCD, because they believe that it's an excuse. That really they have done something much worse and that the explanation that they have an anxiety disorder is just too good to be true. Well it isn't, OCD is awful and pretty awful to live with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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Is it normal to think the way I'm thinking though? Like I have accepted I have done something (the initial thought) and now thinking of my future. Thinking about how I'm going to cope without friends or family and loosing my child. It hurts me so much and sends me in a state of panic. 

 

 

 

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You need to stop this, Chris. You are going round and round, trying to figure out your thoughts, trying to figure out if this is OCD. It's a compulsion and it needs to stop.

Seen loads of people do it. Does no good, but it does keep you away from recovery.

What you are experiencing is OCD. That's it. No need to answer 50 questions to try and prove to you it's OCD. We don't do formal diagnoses here, but we are very adept at figuring out if the disorder is present.

Try to calm your brain down. Set aside all those questions. Get your mind onto something else.

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I've taken your advise polar bear. Tomorrow I start my road to recovery. I am going to stop coming to this site and asking questions. I feel have what I need to know to move on. When I start to think about it I'm going to try and do something to take my mind of it, failing that I will just try and laugh at it. 

Thank you all for your time helping me. It really is much appreciated. 

Chris 

 

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