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Scrupulosity, shame and suicidal thoughts


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Hi everyone

How are we all doing? Sorry to sound so gloomy and repetitive. I know there's a lot going on today in the world and I feel guilty. But I can't seem to cope.

The last few days, I've been feeling more and more depressed. I know I need to pick myself up but I don't know what to do. I know I'm tired from being back at work and yesterday I considered throwing myself over the stair railing and falling several feet. I'm frightened all the time; I feel bad because it's like I 'need' something to worry about to stay in control, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I don't have anything to worry about, I start to panic. I can't trust feelings of happiness or relief anymore, because they never last; it feels like overconfidence and I've learnt not to trust those feelings because the rug will be pulled from under my feet. 

At work, I always want to go home; when I get home, although I try to give myself a schedule, it's hard to get up. I just feel heavy and I am trying to organise my evenings. But I was ruminating all day today, going around my head in circles. I suffer from religious OCD as you guys know and I'm praying constantly; for God to change me even though I don't want to change and wondering if God wants me to give something up that I don't want to give up; if I'm overthinking it and should just do what God asks. I wonder if I should give the thing up and if I'm a terrible sinner, and what will happen to me after I die. I've been exposing myself to upsetting websites which make me feel worse as they urge you to make so many sacrifices for God and I wander if I love God enough and if I have any right to call myself a Christian, even. I have a mental cycle going on in my mind; 'should I give this thing up and cut off all ties to it?' It feels like I should but I don't want to; I go over the specifics and think, 'well, it's not that harmless,' 'it's not black and white' 'it's a good, romantic, harmless thing' and every time I try and mentally review the possibility of giving it up, like a mental compulsion, I just make myself worse. I was further triggered by a friend who spoke about 'surrendering to God' to change her and I wondered if I had to be more like that; to try harder and be more like her. I keep having wobbles; I feel better for writing all this down but I wonder how long feeling better will last as it's like I'm always looking for the next problem, like I always want something to feel wrong and I'm scared to relax in case I mess up. It makes me want to die, this feeling; what's worse is knowing that my family wouldn't want that, and it would have a negative impact and that just makes the feelings worse. I'd be leaving my brothers to pick up my dad; leaving my nieces traumatised. 

Being back at work has been a bit of a help, but due to the current regulations and my own mood, it's not as good as before. I can't bury myself in any good escapist thoughts; I'm always being caught by my mental rituals. It's rather making me want to stay at home and pull the duvet over my head. I'm so tired of myself and feel as though I deserve to die. I keep going over theoretical scenarios in my head and I feel so scared; that everything I am is on the line. I'm frightened. It's like I'm used to an OCD feeling. I just don't want to be here; I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to hide and disappear. It all feels like too much and I hate myself; I don't deserve this life. There's something wrong with me.

C x

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On 29/08/2020 at 15:19, Cub said:

I feel bad because it's like I 'need' something to worry about to stay in control, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I don't have anything to worry about, I start to panic. I can't trust feelings of happiness or relief anymore, because they never last; it feels like overconfidence and I've learnt not to trust those feelings because the rug will be pulled from under my feet. 

I relate very much with this. Very much.
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time, I used to suffer badly from a religious theme from about the time I was 10 until I was around 20 or so. (My theme was all about like, I need to touch this or I've sold my soul to Satan.) It was exhausting, a lot of praying. Regard all of this as magical thinking, because that is what it is - aka, OCD intrusive thoughts. It's all OCD, I can promise you that. It sounds like it's leading you into a state of depression, and I definitely recommend talking to your GP. You deserve to be happy, and OCD is taking that away from you. Don't engage with your intrusive thoughts, no matter how anxious you feel by not performing compulsions. I also promise you that you will start to feel better after you stop paying these thoughts the attention that they certainly don't deserve. 
With the quote I pulled from your post, my word do I ever relate!!! I've been reading this book by Brené Brown called "Daring Greatly." It's all about learning to embrace our vulnerability and talks about how we feel anxious in moments of joy and so we can't experience joy - and that the way through this is practicing gratitude. I find it works!! Takes practice for sure, but next time your brain is actively searching for something to be anxious about because you can't accept being happy and not having a worry on your plate (I'm totally like this too,) focus on all the things in your life that you are grateful for... it will allow you to experience your joy, instead of anxiety stealing it away! I highly recommend this book :) 

Sorry you went days without a reply, I hope you are doing well

Best wishes!

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Hi Cub. I was very sad reading your post.i hope today even to feel a little better. I’ve had soooo many days like yours too and I’ve had to give up many jobs in the past as my OCD just took over. I don’t want to reassure you but you sound like a kind person and you sound like your sick with this horrible OCD we have. Is there anyone you can talk to like a Counsellor or a Psychiatrist? I feel you need help Cub. Please reach out cos your life doesn’t have to feel so hard, I promise there is hope. I’ve been in some terrible places and still I found light. You can too. Sending you so good wishes and remember you are not alone. There are many like you x

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Thankyou everyone for your empathy, your kind thoughts and wishes. It's always reassuring to know I can share the thoughts of suicide as they make me feel so guilty and so terrible. I feel like I'm being a bad daughter when I feel like this and that I'm letting my family down.

I had online therapy over the summer but I don't think it really helped. I know I should be glad to have had help but I found the sessions to be very difficult; maybe because they were online and typed, rather than face-to-face and they just felt hard, in every sense of the word. I had another counsellor briefly who helped me more but once the official online therapy started he had to pull back because he didn't think it was a good idea to see two different professionals at the same time.

I keep having mini-breakdowns at work; my team-leaders are very understanding but the changes in the system right now mean things are a little more challenging than usual. I keep praying, or saying things I don't mean, asking for forgiveness for things I don't really mean, or ruminating. I was a little better today, but it is hard. I have to really pull back on looking up upsetting things online. It's been hard being away from home; I know I'm with my friends and I need to rediscover my independence but I miss my family. And yet being away is probably best. I blame myself for how I'm feeling.

Thanks for the kind words, all and for the comfort. One day at a time. ❤️

C x

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Hi Malina, thanks for checking in,

Things are okay, I suppose, but I feel a bit isolated in myself. I'm struggling generally and feeling as though everyone would be better off without me; I don't know what to do to help myself feel better, because I feel I make myself worse. The things I turn to for respite are things that make me feel anxious because I feel so guilty over them and like I don't deserve to love myself. 

I took today off work; I feel better at night and it's like my brain wants to do several things at once, so I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel sad because I went home to my dad's for the weekend and thought it would be nice; instead, I struggled because having spent lockdown there in a less-than-stellar mental state, I started to relapse again and even cried. I almost couldn't wait to leave; part of me wanted to stay, because I miss my family, but the rest of me wanted to go so I could get out of that mental state. It makes me afraid to go home when I feel like that and so I'm going to try and change my room around so I can lose those mental associations.  

I've been like this for a long time now and I feel guilty for the reasons why I feel so anxious and ruminate constantly, mentally, in a bid to gain control; I don't know how to handle it in any manner and I'm stressed all the time. My online therapy has ended and I felt relieved, but one thing the therapist told me is that me committing suicide would mess up my family, including my two little nieces. But - and this is going to sound so incredibly selfish - I found out yesterday that due to their parents' divorce, my nieces may be moving away from near my Dad's, going up north for better schooling and family connections elsewhere. I get that they need to live near their dad, and that they need better opportunities and schooling but I'm going to miss them so much. The concept of not seeing them so often feels like the loss of a lifeline - they're one of the few reasons I'm alive and I wonder if their potential departure might end up being a lost incentive to stay so. I know how terrible that sounds - I get a lot of joy from my nieces and I can't rely on them emotionally to keep me alive - that wouldn't be fair on them. I need to find my own way of coping. And I know I'm worst-case-scenario-ing it; we won't be stopped from seeing the girls in anyway but it will be harder knowing they're not nearby. 

I'm ruminating a lot at the moment over little things in my life; I feel like I've lost so much spark and joy and can't do certain things without feeling guilty and upset - so then I try and obliterate that guilt and make myself worse. I ruminate over little stories I write - 'how' to make them acceptable for publication; I write what gives me pleasure and then I edit and I ruminate endlessly over the editing process. I'm getting aches and pains from how tense I am. I keep saying prayers because I feel I 'should' say them but I don't mean them. I hate myself for what I'm thinking; like I want things to worry about, want things to be wrong and I feel like I just want to die. I'm distracted and upset and don't know what will make me happiest. :( I wish I could be more confident in myself, because I don't feel it right now and feel I deserve to die. 

C x

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I often have the problem, like you, of associating my anxiety with places. So I've been trying to form new memories in those places. If you keep going to see your family soon enough you'll build new memories in their home. Is there a chance you could start therapy again Cub? Sending you lots of love, hang in there!!

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