Lack of compassion?

[Savy]

Looking back at it, I know I delt with harm OCD back then but I guess it numbed me and now it feels like I may have another mental disorder. I don't think OCD can make someone loose their compassion and empathy for others but I actually have. I at least lost a huge chunk of the caring person I used to be but I suppose I didn't loose all of it because i'm on here and I want it back. I still have obsessive thoughts, however instead of the old intrusions with anxiety like how classic harm OCD is, instead I always ruminate about if death matters and why, like an existential crisis, maybe? I argue with myself about why murder is wrong and when I think i've found my empathy and understanding for it, i'm pleased but that doesn't last long because then I think about how it doesn't matter and it's an endless cycle that makes me depressed. Back then I was so full of love but I would get so many intrusive thoughts about hurting people and they would give me so much anxiety that I felt like I was going to snap at any minute and I would get these terrible urges later on in 2015. It even got to the point to where I said I would end my life before I take any others because I never ever wanted to hurt anybody.  I remember later on I was crying while writing down in a journal about how I felt like I wanted the thoughts but also didn't want to want them at the same time and how I wish I could sleep forever because the thoughts never creeped into my dreams. My mom then took me to a doctor and I told them about the problems I was having. The doc said I was homicidal but my mom didn't believe her so she took me to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Harm OCD. Younger me didn't understand all these things I felt and did back then were obviousy OCD symptoms. I may understand a lot of what I went through was back then now but I don't understand what's going through my head these days. I've only really found one other person I can relate to online which makes me doubt I have OCD a lot. (I have the linked saved if anyone wants to see it)  I truly feel like a sociopath, I have dull emotions, I don't even know if I can feel guilt, and of course, I think like this. I just don't understand how past me became the person I am today. I used to cry over the death of fictional characters but now I feel like I wouldn't care if someone close to me died. I feel like i've lost my morals. Am I just desensitized or has my old fear of turning evil come true? How can I get my sense of compassion back? If i'm just numb to the thoughts, then why did this last for years? My OCD started feeling off near the end of 2015 and that's when I started thinking like I do now or at least I think it's always kind of been the same but I can't remember it all to be exact. I don't understand how I turned out to be so indifferent with a past like that and honestly, I don't know what to do. What is wrong with me?

[malina]

Hey Savy,

firstly, I am sorry that you are suffering like this. Your post sounds like a huge rumination. Feeling apathy is very common in mental health problems, yet you take it to mean that you are a sociopath. Also, you're feeling indifferent about hypothetical things, you feel that you don't care about the thought of someone dying, not the actual fact that someone is dying.

People don't just turn evil, you OCD isn't "off", in fact doubting that you have OCD is another classic feature of OCD.

You have to stop this rumination, stop asking yourself these questions and accept that you just have OCD, plain and simple. Are you getting any kind of treatment at the moment?

[Savy]

8 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Savy,

firstly, I am sorry that you are suffering like this. Your post sounds like a huge rumination. Feeling apathy is very common in mental health problems, yet you take it to mean that you are a sociopath. Also, you're feeling indifferent about hypothetical things, you feel that you don't care about the thought of someone dying, not the actual fact that someone is dying.

People don't just turn evil, you OCD isn't "off", in fact doubting that you have OCD is another classic feature of OCD.

You have to stop this rumination, stop asking yourself these questions and accept that you just have OCD, plain and simple. Are you getting any kind of treatment at the moment?

Yes I suppose you're right, if something serious actually happened like a death, it would probably get to me. A family member of mine actually passed last year and I was trying not to cry in front of everyone the whole time and each time I thought about it, I would get upset. I wasn't really rumminating around the time but that event told me I wasn't as careless as I always thought I was. However that was a year ago and i'm back to ruminating and my apathetic feelings have returned. I don't have any treatment, I can't really afford it at the moment so I just gotta be strong and fight through this again.

[Savy]

It feels like everyone else with a rumination problem ruminates differently than me so it causes me to doubt I have OCD a lot..

[PolarBear]

Everyone ruminates their own way. Rumination means going over a thought or thoughts in your mind, again and again, and not getting anywhere. That's all it means.

[carlleo123]

Sorry I replied on the wrong thread but couldn’t see how to delete

Edited August 31, 2020 by carlleo123
Replied on wrong thread

[Savy]

Anyone else? I'm still very confused...

[Armadillo22]

I have gone through this exact thing, fairly recently actually. I have questioned whether I am a psychopath often. In fact I question everything about myself. Do I really like this person? Why am I not troubled by the thought of a close relative dying? Does that mean I have no empathy etc etc. Yes, I've had all those thoughts and they aren't nice and I have my doubts over them. I just see it as a result of yet more digging into my thoughts and searching for answers. Eventually you'll go deep enough that you end up with questions like this. I try to leave them alone. I don't like to but it's what needs to be done. It's OCD.

[Savy]

I don't really understand myself. I hate to type this but these days it's like I don't know why my old fear of killing others is wrong anymore so I continously try to understand why it's wrong again. It's all rumination. This messed up way of thinking is triggered by almost anything. I'll see a cute dog or somthing and my mind will go "what if this dog died, why should I care, he won't feel anything when he's dead anyways" which is like my real thoughts that I ruminate about on purpose and I don't really want to exist anymore because of it, because I can't understand anymore. I've started avoiding my cats because of these thoughts even though i've cried about them in the past, but that was past me. I think I got over harm OCD a long time ago and i'm just hanging onto the past. I'm guess i'm just evil now? I wish someone could explain whatever i'm going through. It makes me quite depressed but I don't feel the anxeity I once had and I haven't seen anyone else do this psycho stuff on here so there's no way it's OCD...

[Savy]

?...

[ecomum]

The two things that help me are

1. Remind yourself you have not harmed anyone/pet. These are just thoughts, no one has ever been hurt.

2. See these thoughts ,which are OCD, as something that makes you great for dealing with the extra hardship you have, not a bad person. I say 'the wolves are running ' and see the thoughts as something I have to, and can , beat -as something separate from myself. In the same way you would beat a physical illness.

I hope this helps it has helped me a lot.

[Savy]

On 03/09/2020 at 14:55, Savy said:

I don't really understand myself. I hate to type this but these days it's like I don't know why my old fear of killing others is wrong anymore so I continously try to understand why it's wrong again. It's all rumination. This messed up way of thinking is triggered by almost anything. I'll see a cute dog or somthing and my mind will go "what if this dog died, why should I care, he won't feel anything when he's dead anyways" which is like my real thoughts that I ruminate about on purpose and I don't really want to exist anymore because of it, because I can't understand anymore. I've started avoiding my cats because of these thoughts even though i've cried about them in the past, but that was past me. I think I got over harm OCD a long time ago and i'm just hanging onto the past. I'm guess i'm just evil now? I wish someone could explain whatever i'm going through. It makes me quite depressed but I don't feel the anxeity I once had and I haven't seen anyone else do this psycho stuff on here so there's no way it's OCD...

Anyone?

[carlleo123]

OCD confuses the senses for me Savy. Probably what your doing is overthinking. I always think I’m going to harm my son and I think I don’t love him because of it. 2 weeks ago he had an operation and I was worried sick proving I care about him and love him. Now he’s better I’m back to thinking I’m going to hurt him. It’s a disorder, it’s faulty thinking, it’s just how OCD works

[Savy]

1 hour ago, carlleo123 said:

OCD confuses the senses for me Savy. Probably what your doing is overthinking. I always think I’m going to harm my son and I think I don’t love him because of it. 2 weeks ago he had an operation and I was worried sick proving I care about him and love him. Now he’s better I’m back to thinking I’m going to hurt him. It’s a disorder, it’s faulty thinking, it’s just how OCD works

That makes sense, probably why OCD feels so real... anyways, thanks for replying!