After 8 years

[carlleo123]

So I have had the same thoughts harming people and carried out the same compulsion basically seeing if I could punch things, play fighting but with the intent to see if I could harm (I never have !) now for 8 years. Due to the overwhelming anxiety the thoughts and urges give me it feels impossible to stop my compulsions. It really does make me feel I’m going to punch someone so it makes it so hard not to do the compulsions. I think what I need to know is it possible to get better after having the same thoughts, urges and compulsions for all this time or are they stuck forever now as they are so deep rooted? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thank you

 

[OxCD]

Yes. You can change. It’s never too late.  It’s difficult though and you’ll need to listen to a therapist....

Edited August 31, 2020 by OxCD

[Binxy]

There is always a way back in my experience- even when it feels completely hopeless. There are a lot of folks here who were stuck for years- I think 40 odd years in some cases. It's not easy and there will always be blips (at least there is for me) but with commitment to the right response you can get there.

[PolarBear]

My harm thoughts started when I was 11. Hitting people. Pushing people down stairs. Smashing faces into glass display cases. On and on.

I finally sought help when I was 49. Took me about a year and a half of work plus meds to finally be rid of them. You do the math.

You have to fight. You have to grit your teeth and not do your compulsions. It will drive you crazy. You will fail. You do it again. You fail again. You get up the next morning and you do it again. You succeed. Then you fail. And on it goes. Soon enough you are succeeding more than you are failing. You keep pushing yourself. Sometimes your happy and sometimes you want to scream. And one day, you can flick the thoughts away like a fly. You build on that. The thoughts show up less frequently. You keep going. 

This is what you do.

[carlleo123]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I need to accept things I think. I need to accept this is ocd (I’ve never been officially diagnosed the cbt counsellors I’ve seen have said they’re not qualified to diagnose me). I need to accept that OCD can make me feel this way especially the urges. I need to accept that ocd can’t make me do things. And lastly I need to accept this is going to be hard, I’ve spent too long looking for quick fixes that anxiety “experts” promise but never come to fruition 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Carlleo

sorry you're still struggling.  have you ever read Pulling the Trigger by Adam Shaw? He talks in detail about his harm OCD in there, and how he overcame it in conjunction with his therapist (who co-writes the book.) if you haven't read it I think you might find it really helpful! 

[carlleo123]

Hi gbg

hope you’re doing better with your ocd. I have read it but may go back to it as I’m trying to put the hard work in now rather than looking for quick fixes.