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'Is this normal?'.....


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Is the question I keep asking myself and obsessing over.

Unfortunately I gave into a compulsion to check something today in order to answer this question, and I got the answer I was hoping for, but lo and behold I wasn't completely satisfied. The theme of my OCD has changed recently from 'pocd' to 'hocd'. In a way I'm kind of glad because I find the former the absolute worst but this isn't much easier to deal with. I find myself obsessed by and questioning my sexual fantasies often and whilst I know that fantasies are extremely varied and that I shouldn't need to check I find it hard to let the 'but what if that's not normal?' question sit there. I question whether other people have such thoughts and if so then how often. 'How much is too often?', 'Should I be worried?' or 'what does this mean about me?'. I then feel like the only way to find out is if I confess to someone. I can't trust my own judgment or opinion and this prevents me from accepting the thoughts.

I think I have done a good job at resisting compulsions recently but it feels like the 'I'm fixed' moment is not in sight. I wonder how I'm ever going to be in a relationship again if I find it hard to not confess my thoughts. I'd feel guilty or irresponsible for not confessing as I'm constantly battling with 'ohhh this might mean you're a risk'. Sometimes I catch myself in moments of calm and then I'm thrown straight back into an abyss.

So I guess, to summarise, resisting the urge to argue with my thoughts and check things has helped but the thoughts still trouble me. Is it something that improves further with time? Am I eventually going to reach a point where I would be comfortable getting into a relationship again or is that now another fear which has to be faced as a result of overcoming OCD?

Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated.

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This will absolutely improve over time! Good job resisting compulsions, keep at it! You are doing the right things, it takes time. Intrusive thoughts don't ever go away necessarily but you learn to disregard them, so that they aren't really intrusive thoughts anymore, in the sense that they aren't troublesome. Which means that you will rarely think of them. Everyone gets weird thoughts. We, as OCD sufferers, are learning how to disregard them and not attach any meaning to them.

I'm not sure if entering a relationship in and of itself may manifest into an OCD fear, but if your fear of relationships is solely from other OCD worries, as you surpass those worries by resisting compulsions, I would suspect you won't be fearful of having a relationship :) and if you do end up with OCD surrounding that specifically, then you're still ok, because you know what to do!! Disregard all OCD as lies, as that's what it is, don't perform compulsions, and keep going. You've got this

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6 hours ago, Armadillo22 said:

Unfortunately I gave into a compulsion to check something today in order to answer this question, and I got the answer I was hoping for, but lo and behold I wasn't completely satisfied.

The unfortunate reality of giving in to compulsions, you get temporary relief at best.  Don't feel bad, its hard, we all fall in to that trap.  Do your best to resist compulsions, but also have compassion for yourself that you'll make mistakes.
 

6 hours ago, Armadillo22 said:

The theme of my OCD has changed recently from 'pocd' to 'hocd'.

A good reminder that OCD can be about ANYTHING and that there really is no such thing as "pocd" or "hocd", just OCD.

Fortunately the techniques that work for one theme work for any other theme, with minor adjustments based on the situation perhaps.  Overall the issue isn't actually the "p" or the "h" or the whatever, its that we aren't responding in a reasonable, healthy fashion.  Try not to focus too much on what the worry is, and focus instead on the steps you can take to avoid compulsions and respond more normally to the intrusive thoughts and anxieties.
 

6 hours ago, Armadillo22 said:

So I guess, to summarise, resisting the urge to argue with my thoughts and check things has helped but the thoughts still trouble me. Is it something that improves further with time? Am I eventually going to reach a point where I would be comfortable getting into a relationship again or is that now another fear which has to be faced as a result of overcoming OCD?

It is hardest at the beginning to resist these urges, it should get easier with practice, but part of recovery also involves retraining how you think about these kind of thoughts.  Not simply trying to resist the urges, but to reframe how you mentally evaluate the situation as well.  CBT is both Cognitive and Behavioral.  The resisting is the Behavioral part, the reframing how you think about the situation is the Cognitive part.  Working with a qualified therapist can be a big help, if you are able to do so I highly recommend it, but if not even taking time to really work through and pay attention to a self-guided therapy book can help as well.

 

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@dksea
@hazydaze@

 

Thank you both for your responses. The urge to confess is definitely the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. I am undergoing therapy at the moment but it is still in the early stages of exploration of thoughts. So currently I am still remembering things and being troubled and feeling the need to confess as I don't know how to deal with it. I know the answer is to let it be but I don't know how  best to do that. Usually work or some activity will numb it temporarily but as soon as I'm not doing anything it's back and I'm beating myself up all over again. Hopefully therapy will help with time.

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6 hours ago, Armadillo22 said:

 

Thank you both for your responses. The urge to confess is definitely the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. I am undergoing therapy at the moment but it is still in the early stages of exploration of thoughts. So currently I am still remembering things and being troubled and feeling the need to confess as I don't know how to deal with it. I know the answer is to let it be but I don't know how  best to do that. Usually work or some activity will numb it temporarily but as soon as I'm not doing anything it's back and I'm beating myself up all over again. Hopefully therapy will help with time.

Stopping compulsions is tough, no doubt. Often it helps to gradually reduce rather than try and go cold turkey on it. 
One thing you might try is writing down your confessions in a journal. It’s still a bit of a compulsion, but it’s less impactful than confessing to other people all the time. Set aside some time each day for writing down your confessions. Try to limit it so you don’t spend hours writing. Over time you can gradually reduce how much time you are allowed to write. This will help limit your confessing. Later you might reduce how often. Every other day, then every three days, etc. Before you know it you might find you don’t need to confess anymore. 
Some people also find this delay to a specific time itself to be helpful. Rather than say “no I can’t confess” you are saying “I can’t confess now, but later if I need to”. You might find by the time it’s confession time, you don’t feel the need. 
Of course your therapist might also have some good ideas. See what they recommend too. 

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