Can someone please explain this to me?

[Savy]

I don't really understand myself. I hate to type this but these days it's like I don't know why my old fear of killing others is wrong anymore so I continously try to understand why it's wrong again. It's all rumination. This messed up way of thinking is triggered by almost anything. I'll see a cute dog or somthing and my mind will go "what if this dog died, why should I care, he won't feel anything when he's dead anyways" which is like my real thoughts that I ruminate about on purpose and I don't really want to exist anymore because of it, because I can't understand anymore. I've started avoiding my cats because of these thoughts even though i've cried about them in the past, but that was past me. I think I got over harm OCD a long time ago and i'm just hanging onto the past. I guess i'm just evil now? I wish someone could explain whatever i'm going through. It makes me quite depressed but I don't feel the anxeity I once had and I haven't seen anyone else do this psycho stuff on here so there's no way it's OCD... What is wrong with me?

[PolarBear]

Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's OCD. 

I've seen it before and I'll see it again. You are experiencing intrusive thoughts that are different ftom what you are used to so you wrongly assume they're not part of OCD.

This claim of yours that you don't feel anxiety like before doesn't cut it. Intrusive thoughts in OCD cause distress. The distress can be called anxiety, fear, guilt, shame or a few others. Obviously this is distressing you enough that you came here and posted about it. If it didn't bother you, you wouldn't have done that.

You said you continuously try to figure out why the thoughts should feel wrong. You admit you ruminate. There's your compulsions. 

Intrusive thoughts (obsessions), distress and compulsions. You have the three main ingredients for OCD.

 

[AmandaG]

OCD can be so irritaing. Abandoning its grip on one line of thinking and seizing on another. It's as if you overcome or start to overcome it, only for the repetitive and intrusive thinking to shift and centre on a slightly different theme. Personally I think there is something positive about this, though, as it tends to be a sign that you have succeeded in defeating the OCD in relation to one theme, and have the ability to overcome it again.

[dksea]

3 hours ago, Savy said:

It makes me quite depressed but I don't feel the anxeity I once had and I haven't seen anyone else do this psycho stuff on here so there's no way it's OCD... What is wrong with me?

You have OCD, thats what's wrong.  

Nothing you have described in your post above is out of the ordinary for OCD (even if you haven't seen someone describe it here, doesn't mean its not OCD, this forum is not an exhaustive example of every possible kind of OCD reaction, though if you've been around awhile like some of us have, you do see a LOT of stuff).
 

3 hours ago, Savy said:

I hate to type this but these days it's like I don't know why my old fear of killing others is wrong anymore so I continously try to understand why it's wrong again. It's all rumination. This messed up way of thinking is triggered by almost anything. I'll see a cute dog or somthing and my mind will go "what if this dog died, why should I care, he won't feel anything when he's dead anyways" which is like my real thoughts that I ruminate about on purpose and I don't really want to exist anymore because of it, because I can't understand anymore. I've started avoiding my cats because of these thoughts even though i've cried about them in the past, but that was past me. I think I got over harm OCD a long time ago and i'm just hanging onto the past. I guess i'm just evil now?

By trying to force a specific "feeling" on to each and every time you have a thought, you are creating a false test.  The mere idea of something happening isn't necessarily going to evoke the same response each and every time, nor will it necessarily evoke the same response as the situation happening in real life.  Many factors impact how we react to a situation, including trying to analyze our thoughts WHILE we have them.  When my grandfather died, over 10 years ago now.  I cried, I was very sad, it hurt.  While I certainly miss my grandfather today, I don't react the same way each time I think about it happening.  I don't cry the same way I did when it happened.  Does that mean I didn't love him or that my reaction at the time was "fake"? No of course not.  The situation now is different, I was able to process my emotions, etc.

You can force yourself to imagine all sorts of scenarios and see how you "feel" but you won't genuinely know what that experience will be like unless/until it happens. Judging yourself based on these imagined situations just doesn't make sense.

Further, its not surprising that you are having these kinds of intrusive thoughts often, they have become a big focus in your life, thats what compulsions do, they amplify the importance of whatever the worry is by telling your brain "hey, this thought is SUPER important, better think about it more often!".  The more attention you give to the intrusive thoughts, the more you will have them. Thats  how obsessive thoughts work.  Thats how OCD works.  Does it suck? Absolutely.  Does it mean. you are evil? Absolutely not.  Its run of the mill OCD.

[Savy]

How can I stop the ruminating?

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Savy said:

How can I stop the ruminating?

Practice, patience, and discipline.
Its a lot like breaking a bad habit, you have to actively be aware of when you do it and actively resist doing it even though you feel like you must.
Working with a mental health professional and engaging in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) would probably help a lot, though you can also look into some self-guided therapy books if professional therapy is not an option for you right now.  Medication can also help make it easier to resist compulsions like rumination, though its still good to work on the techniques anyway.

In general you need to recognize when you are ruminating, and when you do, force yourself to stop doing it, even if only for a short time.  At first you will probably have to do it often.  As you keep at it, it will become easier and easier.  One relatively simple technique is the Four Step method, from the book Brain Lock.  You can find a description of the method online by just searching for it.  Its a CBT technique I have found useful for my own rumination.