WHEN WILL THIS END?

[Emmaloowho]

When will this start to feel better?  How long am I going to be scared to be around my son?  I don’t know why the thoughts have to feel so real and scary. It feels like the more I try to disregard the thoughts, the more they pull at me, telling me I need to check. 
 

I am so tired of being scared to walk by my sons room or go talk to him like normal. I keep forcing myself to, but I just feel dirty and wrong. Is this even OCD?  Or am I just really messed up?

[PolarBear]

Hey. What you're doing now is asking for reassurance, wondering if this can be OCD. Reassurance seeking is a compulsion. 

I don't know at what level you are doing compulsions right now but even if you are doing none, it will take likely weeks to see an improvement and months to get past this.

Recovery is very much like dealing with a screaming child who wants candy. Your initial reaction might be to scold or put the child in their room but there is another way. You can simply do nothing and go about your day. The child will eventually run out of steam. Now when you first ignore the child,  what happens? They get louder! But only for a short time. Then the screaming starts to dissipate. 

Same thing with obsessions. They want a reaction. Don't give one and they'll become louder, scarier and more obnoxious. Keep on not reacting through compulsions and they start to become quieter.

Hang in there. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.

[AmandaG]

Since you're here, you already know it's OCD.

It's hard to guess how soon you'll make progress, but I always think that if it feels like the OCD is resisting hard, you're obviously doing something positive to challenge it.

[Emmaloowho]

Ok. So when I am lambasted with the wonderful “what if’s” about whatever, I am to let them be there but not try to answer them or pay attention to them?  Even when they seem important?  I SHOULD NOT engage with them or let them suck me in?

[hazydaze]

7 minutes ago, Emmaloowho said:

Ok. So when I am lambasted with the wonderful “what if’s” about whatever, I am to let them be there but not try to answer them or pay attention to them?  Even when they seem important?  I SHOULD NOT engage with them or let them suck me in?

Correct  Do not engage with your intrusive thoughts. Any sort of engagement is a compulsion. This will reinforce your intrusive thoughts, making them stronger and more frequent. You will feel anxious. Remember it is just a feeling. It will pass. 
That being said, sometimes it isn't helpful to cut it out cold turkey, it really depends on the situation. Sometimes people have to lessen their compulsions gradually, if their anxiety is simply unbearable. (Exposure-Response Prevention Therapy.) But the goal is always to (eventually) stop compulsions completely.

You are stronger than you think, and can handle more than you think.

Best wishes

Edited September 8, 2020 by hazydaze

[Emmaloowho]

I really appreciate everyone’s responses so much. I hope I’m not annoying. I have good days and bad days, and today is a not so good one. I just feel like an evil person, who’s hiding who she truly is. I don’t logically think I’m bad, but my mind SCREAMS it at me!  This is the hardest thing. Once I get somewhat of a grip on my worry, then the “what if you are home alone with him and you lose control”, or “what about when your daughter moves out and he is the only one left, then you will have your opportunity”. It’s so insidious. I don’t understand why I can’t just think like normal people and not worry about anything beyond the here and now. 

[PolarBear]

Because you have OCD.

[Emmaloowho]

7 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Because you have OCD.

Yep. And it sucks.  

[hazydaze]

I know it sucks. I know it can be hell. I've tried to be grateful though for the things OCD has taught me as well.

One thing that my OCD has taught me is that we don't need to focus on things that we don't want to. You have no control what pops into your head, but you can control how you react to it. OCD taught me the amazing fact that if you don't want to keep thinking about something, stop giving it attention. I'm not saying you can completely forget all your troubles by ignoring everything, but for things that really don't carry any weight or importance in reality, you can stop thinking about with practice.

Now we enter the "well what if this is real then obviously it carries importance?!" What if?

When you hear that question, OCD is asking it.

When we tell people take a leap of faith, we are saying: treat it as OCD. Treat it as though it has no importance or weight in reality. Because it doesn't. And once you have taken enough time not engaging with it, you will realize how ridiculous the whole thought and anxiety over it was.

Edited September 8, 2020 by hazydaze

[Emmaloowho]

18 minutes ago, hazydaze said:

I know it sucks. I know it can be hell. I've tried to be grateful though for the things OCD has taught me as well.

One thing that my OCD has taught me is that we don't need to focus on things that we don't want to. You have no control what pops into your head, but you can control how you react to it. OCD taught me the amazing fact that if you don't want to keep thinking about something, stop giving it attention. I'm not saying you can completely forget all your troubles by ignoring everything, but for things that really don't carry any weight or importance in reality, you can stop thinking about with practice.

Now we enter the "well what if this is real then obviously it carries importance?!" What if?

When you hear that question, OCD is asking it.

When we tell people take a leap of faith, we are saying: treat it as OCD. Treat it as though it has no importance or weight in reality. Because it doesn't. And once you have taken enough time not engaging with it, you will realize how ridiculous the whole thought and anxiety over it was.

I love this.

“When you hear that question, OCD is asking it.”

Thank you so much!

 

[hazydaze]

I hope it helps!! 
You're very welcome  

[Emmaloowho]

@hazydaze @PolarBear

So I was doing really well this morning and then of course today around lunch time my mind was like “you should check”. So I caved and then the disgusting scenario ran through my head, and then I felt even more unsure because I couldn’t feel definitively sure about it one way or the other. Now I feel like I must keep doing that scenario even though I hate doing it and it makes me feel disgusting. I’m scared because I didn’t feel sure. How can I get the courage to NOT check when everything in me is telling me that I HAVE to know the answer?  I go up and down so much with this. But there’s still always this nagging voice in my head telling that me if I am not sure, it must mean I want the thought. Wouldn’t a normal person throw up or completely freak out with these thoughts?  How come now today I am just kind of indifferent to the thoughts. They disgust me, but they are not causing panic so I’m not sure how I feel about them. 

[PolarBear]

Everyone gets intrusive thoughts from time to time. 98% of the population are able to dismiss them as irrelevant. The other 2% are OCD sufferers. They have a very hard time letting the thoughts go.

You say you have to know the answer. Trying to find the answer, though, is a trap. I call it the OCD trap. No matter how much you think and ruminate, you will never find the answer. You will continue going round and round in your head and never reach the finish line.

I have helped hundreds of sufferers. Not once, not ever, has any of them told me that, finally, after doing enough compulsions, they found the answer they sought and the torment is over. Not once.

This is a cold, hard truth about OCD. Recovery is possible, but it cannot be done while you continue to do compulsions.

[Emmaloowho]

But is it normal to not feel sure about how you feel? And why is it that some days the thoughts really bother me, and other days I’m just like “meh”.  I think I’m just mentally exhausted from all of this. 

[OxCD]

1 minute ago, Emmaloowho said:

But is it normal to not feel sure about how you feel? And why is it that some days the thoughts really bother me, and other days I’m just like “meh”.  I think I’m just mentally exhausted from all of this. 

Yes. You can’t be 100% certain about anything. Some days your OCD will be worse than others.... Stress can make it worse. I’m worse when I’m hungry too!

[hazydaze]

1 hour ago, Emmaloowho said:

But is it normal to not feel sure about how you feel? And why is it that some days the thoughts really bother me, and other days I’m just like “meh”.  I think I’m just mentally exhausted from all of this. 

Yep!! 100%. I have OCD thoughts from years ago that try to pop up sometimes, and 99.99% of the time when it comes up (which isn't often at all) I can just dismiss it. Once in a blue moon though, for whatever reason, (maybe I was tired, could have been having a bad day, whatever,) I start entertaining it. Fortunately, at any point you can discontinue your compulsions. I remind myself, hey, this is OCD. And I just stop. Lo and behold, the intrusive thought stops bothering me.

It is totally normal to not feel sure. That's what this disorder does to us. It is totally confusing and ego-dystonic. I generally find that at the end of a long day when I'm really tired, is prime-time for my OCD to take shots at me. It comes in waves of different intensity, depending on many factors. Like I said, totally normal