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Everything I was afraid of...


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9 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you everyone! I appreciate that you keep replying to my posts even though I'm getting worse and more annoying.

Thank you for your replies and advice, @felix4 and @PolarBear. I appreciate it! 

@malina, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, support and advice. You are really kind to me, and, even though I really don't deserve it, I appreciate it very much. 

 

(I'm really sorry as I know that this is a compulsion but I just have to let it all out. I'm also very ashamed to share this but I will feel like a criminal if I don't do it. Also, I'm afraid that what follows will disappoint you and make you change your opinion about me, but I will take the risk. I'm sorry.) 

Last night I was a huge mess. As I was thinking and ruminating about everything that has been going on with me lately I realised that one of the worst things I can do with my mind is to fantasise (in a gross, disgusting way) about my thoughts. I realised that if I let myself, I can easily fantasize about the thoughts thus I can easily equal myself to a paedophile or a person that is attracted to children. I believe I was seconds away from doing it last night; it happened three times in a row. Luckily, I was saved by my boyfriend who called me to see if I was okay. I shared with him what happened which helped me for a bit, but this morning I went beck to feeling miserable and lost.

At this point I'm very scared of what I can do with my mind. A similar thing happened a year ago and I was devastated because I believe I actually carried on with the fantasy.

I know I'm being hypocritical but if this is indeed OCD, can it interfere so badly in someone's life? I personally don't think it can actually go that far. 

Once again, I'm sorry. I hope you don't hate me. 

I didn't read most of your above post, because you, once again, started out confessing, aplogized and assumed what we would think of you.

I've mentioned these things several times before. You have to stop! They are compulsions and it is they that are keeping you stuck.

 

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7 hours ago, Cora said:

I want to add that I realise I am in a huge mess at the moment, and I'm sinking lower and lower. I know that I need to change my behaviour. But I don't know where to start from. 

I also realise that this is all my fault. I should have never allowed myself to do such bad things (have urges, thoughts on purpose, terrible fantasies). I should be able to control what I do with my body and mind.  

Shows how little you know about OCD.

Do you blame all the other sufferers here for not controlling their thoughts or is that a special derogatory statement you save only for yourself?

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50 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Shows how little you know about OCD.

Do you blame all the other sufferers here for not controlling their thoughts or is that a special derogatory statement you save only for yourself?

No, I would never blame the other sufferers.

The thing is that I hate myself so much, and because I believe that I've done much more than just having thoughts, such as liking my feeling/urges, having thoughts on purpose, allowing myself to have certain inappropriate fantasies and many more, I deserve to be treated with no respect, kindness and compassion, and in a much worse way than anyone else. (I realise that what I'm saying is dumb but this is how I truly feel.)

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And yet, you're not treated that way here. If you expect to be, you will be sadly mistaken. If that's why you come here, so we can confirm your feelings, it's a wasted effort on your part.

If you are going to continue coming here, confessing, apologizing and telling us what we should think about you, you will either be shut down or ignored. We know you doing that is keeping you stuck and is pointless.

If you want to learn how to get out of the mess you find yourself in, then ask and really listen. That's what we're here for.

Edited by PolarBear
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Cora. You need to breathe girl. Just take a step back for a minute and breathe....

You have OCD. You do. This is blatantly clear. 

You need help, also blatantly clear. And it is a help that I'm afraid we cannot offer, since we have been going in a circle with you again and again. Seek professional help. You deserve to have your life back. 

For the record I don't mean that you have to stop posting here and having support here, but you need more help. And your posts here as of lately are compulsions and helping keep you sick. It is absolutely ok and encouraged to receive support here, but support-seeking and reassurance-seeking are different. How many times can we re-word the same info back to you? 

I hope that I see a post from you soon about having seen a professional.

Get help. Best wishes, I hope you do this for yourself.

 

As an after thought, as I just read PolarBear's post above mine, you could get better by following the advice here. We have told you exactly what you need to do. But you have never listened to us, so it is time you get further help. Someone who can reach you. We are all sufferers, and we know what this is like. If you wanna listen and let us get through to you then that's amazing. But so far you refuse to listen. You get a couple replies and maybe feel better for a minute then are on about some new "catastrophic event," which actually means nothing in reality. You have gotten way worse since the first reply I wrote to you about 7 weeks ago. Had you listened to us then, it would not have progressed. If you don't listen to us now, it will continue to progress. And because of your history of not following our advice, you need to please get professional help. We want to see you succeed. I'm sorry for the harshness of this reply, but you need to make positive changes.

Again, best wishes. You can do this.

Edited by hazydaze
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Hey, I haven't followed all of your posts, but I've read a few, I wanted to add a few things. I've had harm ocd and sexual ocd in the past:

I think you need to seek out a professional, but it's so so easy to let it go, get swept along, turn to other things, especially when you're struggling. You need to make that a major focus and don't put it off. You need to fight to find a therapist who is right for you. I've had experiences of telling parents and doctors things weren't OK and getting nowhere, but then years later finding the right person. So make it your priority and don't stop until you find that person. I don't know your exact circumstances, but we can all stumble at times and pick ourselves back up. If you're in a bad place now there's next year, and next year and so on. Sort this out first though. Is seeing somebody privately possible for you? Some people will offer a sliding scale for payment.

From what I've read you aren't at all bad, so don't act like you are. Sexuality and attraction are complex but I'm certain it's very easy to convince yourself you're feeling something when you aren't. I could have got back together with a wonderful girl who was really keen on me, but I pushed her away because of hang ups about my sexuality (it wasn't to do with the same things you worry about). At the time I thought I was being really virtuous but now I think I was just being a total idiot. I've done the same thing with leaving a good job for 'ethical' reasons. 

It's not my place to tell you if you should talk to family, but I would say that without understanding OCD it may be confusing for them. I told my Dad about my problems and he was totally cool about it, but not understanding OCD he couldn't give me the correct advice. He thought he was helping me but it wasn't really. I would think if you do talk to loved ones about it you should tell them about OCD, nothing else to begin with. 

I think you need to avoid everything you can that reminds you of this. Try some new activities, exercise, see friends, surround yourself with all the things which help calm you down. You're just digging yourself deeper like this, I've been there believe me! Stop digging and do something different.

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P.S. If you're getting videos like that popping up in your feed it's because of previous searches. It's sending you you what it thinks you'll be interested by, that's all. If you delete your search history that will help stop that happening, and then stop searching for more!

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Hi, 

I'm sorry to be back. I read your replies and I realised how deep in this mess I currently am. I realised that I need a change. My first change was going to be to stop coming back here unless I'm willing to listen carefully and learn, not to confess all the time. Yet, I'm back in less than 2 days. Two things happened and made me crush and sink deeper. 

I keep having the thought that I don't want to recover, or that if I go through the process of recovery,  it will all be in vain because I am indeed what my thoughts and feelings tell me. 

The second thing, which is much, much more disturbing than the first one, is another incident with my brother. It happened this morning. I was in the kitchen, on a chair, he came into the room, sat on my lap (I should have not let him do that), started hugging and kissing me, and I felt like I was sexually and romantically attracted to him. I kissed him back but I can't remember whether it was because I was feeling that attraction or not. Everything was real - all the feelings, thoughts and sensations. 

I'm angry and frustrated. Why do I have to be a sexual deviant and not a normal being?
I have no hope left. I'm sorry. 

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3 hours ago, Cora said:

Hi, 

I'm sorry to be back. I read your replies and I realised how deep in this mess I currently am. I realised that I need a change. My first change was going to be to stop coming back here unless I'm willing to listen carefully and learn, not to confess all the time. Yet, I'm back in less than 2 days. Two things happened and made me crush and sink deeper. 

I keep having the thought that I don't want to recover, or that if I go through the process of recovery,  it will all be in vain because I am indeed what my thoughts and feelings tell me. 

The second thing, which is much, much more disturbing than the first one, is another incident with my brother. It happened this morning. I was in the kitchen, on a chair, he came into the room, sat on my lap (I should have not let him do that), started hugging and kissing me, and I felt like I was sexually and romantically attracted to him. I kissed him back but I can't remember whether it was because I was feeling that attraction or not. Everything was real - all the feelings, thoughts and sensations. 

I'm angry and frustrated. Why do I have to be a sexual deviant and not a normal being?
I have no hope left. I'm sorry. 

I don't want to sound mean but I keep thinking that my case is different than anyone else with OCD, hence makes me believe that this is not OCD. I keep having these incidents where I behave just like someone who is attracted to children/paedophile - this says so much about me! And something else I've recently noticed that worries me is that it seems that my feelings of love and attraction for my boyfriend are slowly fading - I don't know how to interpret this. 

I'm sorry for complaining so much. Although is doesn't look like it, I do feel very guilty for keep coming here just to confess and complain. 

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10 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

So stop confessing and complaining. I know it's hard but it's one step toward gaining control of your mind.

As for the thoughts you have that this isn't OCD, nothing new here. Heard it hundreds of times. Doesn't change a thing.

Thank you for your reply, @PolarBear

But what do I do with all the incidents that I keep causing, such as the one from this morning? How do I not pay attention to them when it's all so real? 

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54 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you for your reply, @PolarBear

But what do I do with all the incidents that I keep causing, such as the one from this morning? How do I not pay attention to them when it's all so real? 

First of all well done @Cora for less confession posting (though we’re always here for support). That was brave. And it is inevitable you will have slip ups resisting your compulsions. Keep being strong and you can beat it. It does take guts but you can do it.

As for today’s post - agree with @PolarBear - all OCD rubbish. What do you do about the incidents - nothing. They are not even noteworthy, they’re nonsense. Only you think they’re even incidents. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Tell your OCD to f&ck off.

Edited by OxCD
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Cora,

I would add that the "incidents" you believe that you are causing aren't the problem, it's the fact that you find them to be problematic that is the issue. In fact, I would go down the ERP route and do these incidents all the time. Give your brother hugs and kisses and let these awful feelings come. You probably think I'm insane, but this way you will normalise all of the very normal sibling interactions that you have and learn that the feelings are meaningless.

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Thank you for your replies everyone. I'm sorry to be a disappointment but I'm back with more confessions - I understand if this will be ignored. 

Today I was out with my boyfriend metal detecting (I'm a beginner). I was feeling okay and not paying too much attention to my thoughts. However, at some point I got this thought mixed with an urge that when I get home I need and want to molest my brother (I'm really sorry!). The worst part of it was that I agreed with it and enjoyed the feelings that came with the thought and urge. I had pictures, scenarios and overwhelming feelings for good five minutes, and I thought I really wanted to do it. I'm home now, the thought and urge are gone, everyone is okay, but I still feel miserable. 

There's something about me that freaks me out. I keep feeling like and identifying with a peadophile. I have this constant thought at the back of my mind that I've abused my brother - mostly by having urges to hurt him, and having and liking certain sensations in my body while hugging and kissing him - and that I need to inform the appropriate authorities.
There is no part of my mind that can say that all this is just a fear - in my head I'm a peadophile and abuser, not a sufferer of an anxiety disorder. I keep feeling guilty when I hear news about abusers, and the only reason for that is because I am guilty.

I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I can't stand myself. I'm a pervert. I want this to stop, I can't live like this. 

I'm sorry for this. I know this makes no sense. 

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28 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Go report yourself then if your brother is in danger.

I want to do it. I just don't have the courage. Knowing that I will lose everything and everyone in my life terrifies me to my core. I'm sorry. 

So you think my brother is in danger, too? 

Edited by Cora
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@Cora this forum seems to be full of a lot of people who have been through exactly what you are saying - despite all your insistence what you are experiencing is different - you need to take a leap of faith and trust them and their experience. 

I’m also trying to help myself by learning as much about OCD as possible so have been doing some reading. If you are a reader yourself then happy to pass on the titles of the books I’ve read - whilst not a quick fix I have found them useful.
 

Stay strong - I trust the opinions of those who say they recognise this as exactly OCD and that you can beat it.

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Does anyone else think that my brother is in danger, hence I need to go report myself? Please, be honest. Thank you. 

Hopefully no one answers your question.

You have to start listening to us and start breaking this cycle, Cora. Things will only get worse for you if you do not make changes in your thinking and behavior. 

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Just now, PolarBear said:

Hopefully no one answers your question.

You have to start listening to us and start breaking this cycle, Cora. Things will only get worse for you if you do not make changes in your thinking and behavior. 

I'm happy that you replied, @PolarBear.

I promise, I do want to listen to you, but I just don't know how to do it when I feel like a real paedophile, with disgusting thoughts, feelings and urges. 

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Just now, Cora said:

I think I'm going crazy. I'm now convinced that I need to report myself because my brother is in danger. 

Yes, this is most likely because you have ignored advice & should've sought professional help!

Has any further psychiatric assessment been arranged yet, Cora? Sadly the deeper you plunge, the harder it is to back out of!

 

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@Cora you're continuing compulsions, and it is continuing to get worse. You're continuing to not listen to us and confess. Even if I sat here and answered your question, and told you that without a doubt you are not a pedophile, you wouldn't believe it anyway. Your OCD will come up with more questions, and more "confessions" that you "must" make. Did you make an appointment with a professional yet? 

You are by far your own worst enemy right now. I highly suggest that you start taking the advice given here. 

Edited by hazydaze
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On 16/09/2020 at 21:15, felix4 said:

Yes, this is most likely because you have ignored advice & should've sought professional help!

Has any further psychiatric assessment been arranged yet, Cora? Sadly the deeper you plunge, the harder it is to back out of!

 

 

On 16/09/2020 at 21:51, hazydaze said:

@Cora you're continuing compulsions, and it is continuing to get worse. You're continuing to not listen to us and confess. Even if I sat here and answered your question, and told you that without a doubt you are not a pedophile, you wouldn't believe it anyway. Your OCD will come up with more questions, and more "confessions" that you "must" make. Did you make an appointment with a professional yet? 

You are by far your own worst enemy right now. I highly suggest that you start taking the advice given here. 

Hi,

Thank you for your replies, @hazydaze and @felix4. I just arranged another appointment with the GP, which is in 3 weeks. 

I would like to say that yesterday I had a good day. I don't really know what happened, but I manged to stay calm and enjoy myself for a good part of the day. This morning I was not doing too bad either, but I ruined everything by having a thought/idea on purpose. This is disgusting and disturbing, but I had the idea that because I'm bored I should watch inappropriate content involving children. Now, I know I don't want to do such a thing, but in that moment it seemed like I was planing to it later in the day. Unfortunately, it took me more than 5 minutes to realise how messed up my thinking was/is. I started freaking out because that was not intrusive and I thought of it on purpose. I calmed down a bit, trying to see this whole thing rationally, and accepting that having a thought, even if it's on purpose, doesn't necessarily mean that it's true or that it's going to happen. But I can't stop worrying and thinking that I'm a monster. I just don't understand why I would ever have such a thought on purpose. Maybe I do want to do it?! I don't even know anymore...

What do you think I should do? Do you think this says something bad about me? 

Thank you!

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