Everything I was afraid of...

[PolarBear]

You're testing, a form of checking, which is a well known compulsion. 

Try to limit doing that.

[Cora]

I'm so sorry, PolarBear, but I wasn't testing. The thought/idea happened on purpose, but not as a compulsion. How bad do you think this is? 

[PolarBear]

YOU say it wasn't a compulsion. I say it likely was. I've been around for a while. I know a thing or two about OCD. Also suffered from pedophile related thoughts for, oh, about 33 years. 

Now, if you spent as much energy on listening to our advice and implementing it instead of trying to prove to us and yourself that you're a bad person, you just might get somewhere. 

[OxCD]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm so sorry, PolarBear, but I wasn't testing. The thought/idea happened on purpose, but not as a compulsion. How bad do you think this is? 

Part of your problem @Cora is that you always trust your brain. You can be wrong you know. We can all be wrong. Our brains can tell us a load of sh!t. We’re not machines - evolution has selected our brains such that as a species we survive - but it has not selected them because they are always accurate. I don’t really think you’re a very good judge at all over which parts of your behaviour are compulsions. And there are a hell a lot of people on here who know what they’re talking about. Some who have understood OCD probably longer than you’ve been alive. Learn from them.

Edited September 18, 2020 by OxCD

[felix4]

6 hours ago, Cora said:

I calmed down a bit, trying to see this whole thing rationally, and accepting that having a thought, even if it's on purpose, doesn't necessarily mean that it's true or that it's going to happen. But I can't stop worrying and thinking that I'm a monster. I just don't understand why I would ever have such a thought on purpose. Maybe I do want to do it?! I don't even know anymore...

Hi Cora,

Sadly, this is how OCD can run amok in some, if left untreated, & rather than running like a well oiled machine, your thought process is mis-firing. The good news is, you wont act on your thoughts! The bad news is, you are likely to continue to think that you will, until you get proper treatment!

 

[Cora]

Today is a different day with a different worry.
This morning I saw a post about sexual assault/abuse on a different OCD forum. I immediately felt guilty, and started remembering all the disgsuting incidents I've caused in the past year. A few of them are the moments when I kissed/was being affectionate with my brother but they were more like impulses caused by feelings and sensations in my body, including groinal responses. So now I'm back to worrying and feeling like a monster. However, compared to many other times, I feel calmer, and it seems that I'm not as bothered as I should be, although I do feel an immense level of guilt and disgust.

On top of this, I still struggle with urges. They feel so real and scary. From what I've seen so far, OCD can manifest as urges as well, but I can't help but feeling like the ones I experience are a new level of evil and disgust, hence I am indeed a terrible, terrible monster.

I feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. I have a loving family, amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend; I am healthy and have never had (major) difficulties/struggles. But I feel like I just don't deserve to be this lucky, as stupid as this may sound.

I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm posting this. Maybe because I feel desperate, stupid and ashamed.

[OxCD]

40 minutes ago, Cora said:

Today is a different day with a different worry.
This morning I saw a post about sexual assault/abuse on a different OCD forum. I immediately felt guilty, and started remembering all the disgsuting incidents I've caused in the past year. A few of them are the moments when I kissed/was being affectionate with my brother but they were more like impulses caused by feelings and sensations in my body, including groinal responses. So now I'm back to worrying and feeling like a monster. However, compared to many other times, I feel calmer, and it seems that I'm not as bothered as I should be, although I do feel an immense level of guilt and disgust.

On top of this, I still struggle with urges. They feel so real and scary. From what I've seen so far, OCD can manifest as urges as well, but I can't help but feeling like the ones I experience are a new level of evil and disgust, hence I am indeed a terrible, terrible monster.

I feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. I have a loving family, amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend; I am healthy and have never had (major) difficulties/struggles. But I feel like I just don't deserve to be this lucky, as stupid as this may sound.

I'm sorry. I don't really know why I'm posting this. Maybe because I feel desperate, stupid and ashamed.

You’re not that lucky. You have a serious mental illness and won’t listen to people trying to help you. You’re posting because you want help, but then refuse to listen. Hassle the GP as you are very ill and need help.

[felix4]

57 minutes ago, Cora said:

Today is a different day with a different worry.
This morning I saw a post about sexual assault/abuse on a different OCD forum. I immediately felt guilty, and started remembering all the disgsuting incidents I've caused in the past year.

Listen Cora,

Be VERY careful with other forums! Not all are quite so well moderated, & some of the the replies are shocking by people no quite so knowledgeable of the effects of OCD, & some verge on being trolls!

15 minutes ago, OxCD said:

You’re not that lucky. You have a serious mental illness and won’t listen to people trying to help you. You’re posting because you want help, but then refuse to listen. Hassle the GP as you are very ill and need help.

Absolutely! 

Edited September 19, 2020 by felix4
Misworded!

[Cora]

Thank you, @OxCD and @felix4. 

But what do I do now? I really want to stop thinking about this, but it feels that if I do so, I let something terrible go.  

[PolarBear]

You have to give yourself permission to let it go. I did. Took some introspection to arrive at that decision.

Thinking about it all the time is really punishing yourself. Punishing yourself for having thoughts. Where is it written that that is acceptable? Who has said we should punish ourselves for not doing anything except having a thought?

Look at someone who washes their hands 30 times a day, with a scrub brush and bleach because they think their hands are contaminated. It's a crazy situation, right? There is no evidence of contamination. There is only a thought.

Same with you.

[Cora]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You have to give yourself permission to let it go. I did. Took some introspection to arrive at that decision.

Thinking about it all the time is really punishing yourself. Punishing yourself for having thoughts. Where is it written that that is acceptable? Who has said we should punish ourselves for not doing anything except having a thought?

Look at someone who washes their hands 30 times a day, with a scrub brush and bleach because they think their hands are contaminated. It's a crazy situation, right? There is no evidence of contamination. There is only a thought.

Same with you.

Thank you, @PolarBear.

I don't want to sound rude but in my case it wasn't/isn't just a thought. It was a thought-action thing that happened several times. I impulssively kissed my brother after having certain sexual sensations in my body. I hate to type this but it did happen. And I can't stop seeing this as child abuse.

It's weird because I was okay (I think?) for a bit with this whole situation, but I'm back at thinking what a terrible human I am and how I failed everyone, especially my parents and brother. 

I want to add that I am sorry for what happened, and I would never want to hurt my brother on purpose. But that doesn't change the fact that things happened. (And I'm sorry if this is too disturbing.)

Edited September 19, 2020 by Cora

[ocdsufferer85]

Not a chance that you are a pedophile, no way would one be on this forum, or being disgusted or feel guilty etc you are NOT a pedophile, you have OCD ..like me. 

What's your biggest fear? You're a pedophile?

So what does ocd fixate on? Your biggest fear.

If you were not bothered then ocd would not fixate on it. Same with me and my fear of being evil and being unforgiven, mine focuses on that and makes me feel like I am bad.

It's only because we worry and care that ocd plays with our heads until we feel like we are becoming our fears...ie testing ourselves, feeling urges, analyzing every move to see why we would do that, why did I do that does it mean I AM bad after all? No. 

OCD IS A LIAR.

I will try to take my own advice here haha! 

Anyway you are NOT your ocd fear. 

You are YOU

OCD IS AN ILLNESS.

OCD IS A LIAR!

Edited September 19, 2020 by ocdsufferer85

[ocdsufferer85]

Oh you kissed your brother? That's a test. OCD TEST. ITS NOT your fault. I hope this helps you x

[OxCD]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @OxCD and @felix4. 

But what do I do now? I really want to stop thinking about this, but it feels that if I do so, I let something terrible go.  

Distract yourself and do something else. It’ll feel like cr@p, but it will gradually make you feel better. I think you’ve proven that your strategy is failing quite catastrophically. Try something else - what have you got to lose?

Edited September 19, 2020 by OxCD

[PolarBear]

3 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @PolarBear.

I don't want to sound rude but in my case it wasn't/isn't just a thought. It was a thought-action thing that happened several times. I impulssively kissed my brother after having certain sexual sensations in my body. I hate to type this but it did happen. And I can't stop seeing this as child abuse.

It's weird because I was okay (I think?) for a bit with this whole situation, but I'm back at thinking what a terrible human I am and how I failed everyone, especially my parents and brother. 

I want to add that I am sorry for what happened, and I would never want to hurt my brother on purpose. But that doesn't change the fact that things happened. (And I'm sorry if this is too disturbing.)

Ah, but you're looking at the situations through the lens of a person who believes she did something wrong.

You had a thought. You kissed your brother. Together they bother you greatly, but separately what are they? You're upset not at the kissing but because your mind connected an innocent action to the thought. That's where the problem comes in. 

I won't let you get away with this notion thst you kissed him for a bad reason. It was a kiss. That's all.

[hazydaze]

@Cora I'm soooo proud of you for making an appointment with your GP!!! You have taken an important step

Obviously there are still compulsions that you are performing, and I wish I could just give you a great big hug at this point and take it away for you. Because I know that you aren't a bad person. Every single person who has replied to you knows that you aren't a bad person. I can't wait for the day that you see this too.

Keep reminding yourself that it is OCD. Distract yourself. You are NOT your thoughts. I really like that last post PB made, I actually dealt with a similar situation the day before yesterday about connecting a thought to an action that made it "disgusting" and "horrible." And yes, it involved a child. My little cousin who I love so much and would never want harmed. But that's OCD for you, my girl. It's going to attack the things that we love the most.

Keep going. Keep your appointment, I agree with a post above that said hassle your GP, because you have a condition that requires attention as soon as possible. You got this!! I'm proud of you for the step you took. Be proud of yourself too!

[Cora]

16 hours ago, hazydaze said:

@Cora I'm soooo proud of you for making an appointment with your GP!!! You have taken an important step

Obviously there are still compulsions that you are performing, and I wish I could just give you a great big hug at this point and take it away for you. Because I know that you aren't a bad person. Every single person who has replied to you knows that you aren't a bad person. I can't wait for the day that you see this too.

Keep reminding yourself that it is OCD. Distract yourself. You are NOT your thoughts. I really like that last post PB made, I actually dealt with a similar situation the day before yesterday about connecting a thought to an action that made it "disgusting" and "horrible." And yes, it involved a child. My little cousin who I love so much and would never want harmed. But that's OCD for you, my girl. It's going to attack the things that we love the most.

Keep going. Keep your appointment, I agree with a post above that said hassle your GP, because you have a condition that requires attention as soon as possible. You got this!! I'm proud of you for the step you took. Be proud of yourself too!

Thank you so, so much for your kind words and support, @hazydaze! It means a lot to me! 

[Cora]

19 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Oh you kissed your brother? That's a test. OCD TEST. ITS NOT your fault. I hope this helps you x

 

18 hours ago, OxCD said:

Distract yourself and do something else. It’ll feel like cr@p, but it will gradually make you feel better. I think you’ve proven that your strategy is failing quite catastrophically. Try something else - what have you got to lose?

 

17 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Ah, but you're looking at the situations through the lens of a person who believes she did something wrong.

You had a thought. You kissed your brother. Together they bother you greatly, but separately what are they? You're upset not at the kissing but because your mind connected an innocent action to the thought. That's where the problem comes in. 

I won't let you get away with this notion thst you kissed him for a bad reason. It was a kiss. That's all.

Thank you so much for your help, @ocdsufferer85, @OxCD and @PolarBear. 

I feel a bit better about this situation, but I still feel very guilty and ashamed. I guess that's because it happened several times. I know I would be able to move on if it only happened once, but unfortunately it happened three or four times (as I'm typing this I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt and I just really don't know how to interpret it).

Yesterday I was trying to find with an explanation for why it happened (to make myself feel less shame and guilt I guess), and I was thinking that maybe because in those respective moments I was experiencing an amalgam of sensations, feelings and thoughts my body decided to react in that way. I know what I'm saying doesn't make sense but I just can't understand why I impulsively kissed my brother after having sexual sensations and thoughts. I know I don't want to hurt my brother in any way but why did it happen then? I also understand that kissing my brother is something normal, but I'm just terrified that I kissed him as in impulse after feeling something sexual in my body, thus I can't stop associating what I did with child abuse. I know you never said it, but if you think that I've abused my brother, please, let me know so I can do the right thing.

I'm sorry if this is becoming confusing and annoying. But I'm really thankful for your patience and continuous help!  

 

[Cora]

Something similar happened a couple of minutes ago. I was sitting next to my brother when I had an intrusive thought and image, and I impulsively touched his leg (not in a sexual way, just tapped it). I don't know why I did, but as soon as I realised what happened I started panicking. Do you think I have an impulse control problem? I'm scared of myself and don't know what to think anymore. 

[OxCD]

21 minutes ago, Cora said:

Something similar happened a couple of minutes ago. I was sitting next to my brother when I had an intrusive thought and image, and I impulsively touched his leg (not in a sexual way, just tapped it). I don't know why I did, but as soon as I realised what happened I started panicking. Do you think I have an impulse control problem? I'm scared of myself and don't know what to think anymore. 

You’re stuck in a loop @Cora. Stop it. It’s all complete nonsense. Let it go.

Edited September 20, 2020 by OxCD

[Cora]

3 hours ago, OxCD said:

You’re stuck in a loop @Cora. Stop it. It’s all complete nonsense. Let it go.

Thank you for your reply, @OxCD. 

I probably shouldn't ask this, and I apologise if this is inappropriate, but do you think/agree that I've abused my brother? 

To me it feels like a terrible crime, and I don't know if I should be allowed to move on. 

Edited September 20, 2020 by Cora

[OxCD]

12 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you for your reply, @OxCD. 

I probably shouldn't ask this, and I apologise if this is inappropriate, but do you think/agree that I've abused my brother? 

To me it feels like a terrible crime, and I don't know if I should be allowed to move on. 

Come on @Cora. You know I’m not going to answer that. You are seeking reassurance and this will make you more ill. I will agree that you should move on - as your constant ruminating is not making you feel better is it?

Edited September 20, 2020 by OxCD

[Cora]

4 hours ago, OxCD said:

Come on @Cora. You know I’m not going to answer that. You are seeking reassurance and this will make you more ill. I will agree that you should move on - as your constant ruminating is not making you feel better is it?

No, it's not making me feel better. But at the same time I feel like I can't move on. I think that kissing my brother was acting on thoughts/sensations. And I've never seen a person who has OCD behave the way I did. I don't know. I feel so dirty and ashamed. 

[OxCD]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

No, it's not making me feel better. But at the same time I feel like I can't move on. I think that kissing my brother was acting on thoughts/sensations. And I've never seen a person who has OCD behave the way I did. I don't know. I feel so dirty and ashamed. 

Stop it then. You’re hardly a world leading authority on OCD - not sure you’re the best person to judge. People on here will be more objective and this is another reason why you should get help and speak to the experts. Let them help you.

Edited September 20, 2020 by OxCD

[Cora]

I agree with you, @OxCD but am I allowed to let myself to move on even though I think I did something very bad?