I feel alone and scared

[mchmis26]

Hey guys, to start off I have not been diagnosed with OCD and I don't intend to self diagnose.

I'll get in to my story/question.

Last September, I began experiencing intrusive thoughts regarding my sexual orientation and gender identity. I kept having thoughts which made me believe I was gay and in denial, which then eased but then became "what if I want to become a male and I'm just in denial". these thoughts kept me up at night, shaking and crying through the early hours of the morning. I felt so alone. I kept reassuring myself through self logic and googling what my mind is telling me and it'd be enough for a short period of time. But it always came back. I went to see my GP as I did not want to keep experiencing what I had been going through, and I wanted something to knock me out at night. I was referred back to my then therapist (and started taking an OTC sleep aid without my GP's knowledge), who gave me mindfullness/coping strategies and told me it was just stress. It then began to ease and I lived somewhat normally.

Until recently.

My mind is telling me that I am a covert narcissist, and is giving me evidence that I am. I am beginning to believe that I might be, and what if I'm just considering it might be OCD to hide it? What if it's causing me anxiety because I don't want my friends to leave/hate me? Right now my mind is trying to dissuade me from posting, as  I'm now thinking I'll get replies telling me I might be. But what if this self pitying is a symptom of narcissism? It's similar to last year, with reassurance giving me relief for a short period of time, but I'm starting to think this time could be real? Now when my friends are talking to me/sharing problems I get scared I'm not feeling empathy. I don't even know if I'm scared, or just I don't know.

I have had smaller episodes where I would be sure I had a terminal/chronic illness and be bothered at night and seek reassurance through google or constantly checking my body, but it'd often resolve after a few days.

This might be one big reassurance grab, but what if I'm telling you all this to manipulate, or want to be diagnosed with OCD? I don't even know why I'm posting here, I'm just scared.

Nighttime is the worst. I'm alone, everyone else is asleep. It's like being a child again, scared of monsters and terrified when mum leaves the room after tucking you in. You're alone. And right now I'm about to go to bed and be alone with my thoughts. I'm back on the sleep aids.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to self diagnose, but if it is OCD then these thoughts might go away? And is there anything I would be able to do to sleep better or reduce these thoughts?

Any insight? I'll be up for many more hours at this rate, lol.

[cashewnutsandraisins]

Hi @mchmis26

I’m really sorry to read that you’re struggling at the moment with all of this.

I can’t really give you much advice as, to be honest, I only came to the realisation that I *think* I have OCD a couple of months ago. What I would say is that this forum has been so incredibly helpful and supportive - so coming here is a good first step.

What I can offer is:

1) Yes, your post is reassurance seeking which is a compulsion. It’s one of the biggest compulsions I have and I’ve really had to work hard on trying to not do this - even when I’m feeling absolutely awful. Unfortunately, it’s a vicious circle and doing it just makes the intrusive thoughts eventually come back and stronger, despite the temporary relief you get. I’ve also found that reassurance seeking ties into my to my other compulsion which is confessing what I am thinking - especially if I feel guilty over it.

2) Just as a one time thing - because I don’t want to encourage you to continue seeking reassurance - but your post is so, so close to my first ever post here. I too came here after sexuality OCD started about a year ago. As someone who has always felt secure in identifying as straight it was terrifying -‘in the sense that I didn’t feel like I knew who I was anymore and then the impact suddenly discovering I was gay would have on my relationship with my boyfriend. I’ve also had intrusive thoughts about my gender identity in the last few weeks, although this hasn’t taken hold as strongly. I came across OCD and these variations by absolute fluke, after researching into sexuality changing as you get older, and it was a total lightbulb moment. I still find it hard to go I have OCD because I have self diagnosed initially, but reading everything about it also meant I could see how OCD had happened in other guises during my life - right as early as primary school! I recently referred myself to IAPT (I think that’s the spelling) and am now waiting for counselling after the assessor said it sounded like I was having issues with intrusive thoughts.

Anyway, I’ll leave that there - I just wanted to try and highlight that you are certainly not alone in this and I can specifically relate to how you feel.

I would encourage you to try reading about OCD, there’s a lot of books which have helped me so far, and also to read the posts on the forum. Whilst I’m waiting for the CBT they’ve been a really good and helpful resource with trying to manage how I feel.

Good luck - OCD is a bully. You can beat it.

[mchmis26]

@cashewnutsandraisins thank you so much, it’s a relief to know others have gone through this. But I’m sorry that you experienced HOCD thoughts, it was truly debilitating for me and I’d hate for anyone else to experience the same.

Thank you for your response, it’s hard to just let obsessions be but I’m sure it’ll help me out long term. Like a stubborn child in my head lol.

I would seek help but I’m 17 and so would just be referred back to the system I was in which didn’t help me greatly. I’ll wait until I’m an adult to see if I can get a diagnosis then.

Glad you are seeking help, and once again thank you so much!

[dksea]

Hi @mchmis26, welcome to the forums.  Sorry to hear about what you are going through, as cashew let you know already though, you are not alone.  Whether or not your problem is OCD or something else, many many people (perhaps most) struggle with mental illness at some point in their lives.  Unfortunately its still something a lot of people don't talk about or feel comfortable dealing with, and its also damn hard to deal with especially on your own, so its not at all strange that you are struggling, though of course it still sucks.

None of us here can give you an official diagnosis.  For that you'd need to see a qualified mental health professional.  But we can help you learn about OCD, and tell you whether your symptoms seem to fit that pattern (quick answer, sounds like it to me).  You mentioned that you are reluctant to seek professional help because the system you went through didn't seem to help you much the first time around.  Unfortunately for as much advances as their have been in mental health awareness, its still far from perfect.  Without knowing a lot of the details of your situation (and you probably shouldn't share many of them to random strangers on the internet anyway )  I can't say for certain whether trying again will be worthwhile, but I do think you should consider it.  Sadly sometimes getting the help we need involves being pushy.  For as many good, wonderful, caring people are involved in health care, its still something run by people and people aren't perfect.  They make mistakes, they are overworked, they don't always understand at first the full depth of our problems.  So yes, your previous experience had a less than perfect outcome, but that doesn't mean trying again won't result in something better.  You have new experience since then, you'll have new knowledge.  You might see someone different, someone who will be better prepared, or better trained to recognize and help you with your problem.  You can and should keep fighting becuase you, like all of us, deserve support.  Getting a professional diagnosis can open a lot of doors to support options, regardless of what your actual problem is, and so i storngly encourage you to consider trying to get that professional help even if you worry things might not turn out any different.

Next, lets talk a little bit about OCD.  Its actually a pretty straightforward (though frustrating and challenging) condition, and its all in the name.  Lets break it down.
Obsessive - Obsessions are unwanted, intrusive thoughts, usually recurring thoughts we struggle to move on from that cause distress.  Distress can take many forms, such as anxiety, worry, discomfort, etc.  The reality is EVERYONE has intrusive thoughts that pop in to their head.  The difference between a person with OCD and a person without OCD is whether or not the thoughts get "stuck" as it were.
Compulsive - Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that sufferers engage in to try and reduce or eliminate the distress caused by obsessions.  Compulsions can take many forms.  Some are obvious, like excessive hand washing, having to do a behavior a certain way or certain amount of times (or both), counting things, etc.  Some are less obvious, like rumination, i.e. analyzing and thinking about a thought and trying to "solve" it with logic over and over.  Another is avoidance, going out of your way to stay away from feared situations or situations you think might trigger your worry.  Compulsions provide, at best, temporary relief, but the distress returns.
Disorder - Something that causes a significant disruption in your ability to live and enjoy your life

Based on your description of your situation above I'd say you seem to fit those criteria. 
You have intrusive thoughts, such as worries about your gender identity.  Often these come as "what if..." worries, thats a telltale sign of OCD, and you, like so many of us, phrase your situation that way
You engage in compulsive behaviors, such as googling and trying to use self logic.  They sometimes provide temporary relief, but the worries keep coming back.  Very characteristic of OCD.
You are experiencing significant disruptions in your life and abilty to enjoy it.  So thats the disorder part.

While it is certainly possible a person can strugle to a degree with these kind of worries without having OCD, after all not every worry is OCD related, people worry for lots of other reasons.  And stress can certainly exacerbate worries, whether or not we have OCD.  However, one key difference is when a person is worried and they don't have OCD, doing behaviors like finding an answer in Google or using logic to examine the problem result in actually solving the problem.  You stop worrying once you have gotten some reassurance that the problem isn't really a problem.  For an OCD sufferer its the reoccuring nature of the worries even when doing those steps that sets us apart.  Whats worse is we can often understand logically that there is no problem, but we still FEEL like there is, we still FEEL the anxiety and doubt.  Thats, unfortunately the nature of OCD.  Put simply, somewhere, in some part of our brain (it hasn't been narrowed down completely yet, though there are some theories) something is malfunctioning.  Its messing up the signals so we don't get signals we SHOULD get that let us move on, and we DO get signals we shouldn't that cause us to continue to worry.  Thats the bad news.

The good news is OCD is manageable.  There are effective treatments that help you get it under control, and able to get back to living your life.  At present there is no "cure" per se, but just like a person with asthma can still live a long and fulfilling life by managing their condition, so too can OCD sufferers.  We are fortunate in that, while our brains aren't functioning quite as they should, the brain is quite adaptable and we can retrain ourselves to think more "normally" as it were.  Its not easy, it takes time and effort, but it is very achievable.  There are two main tools for dealing with OCD, and they can be used separately or together.  

The first is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT.  This is a specific type of therapy that helps us understand and adjust how we behave and think to respond to intrusive thoughts more "normally".  Many people are able to manage their OCD recovery using CBT alone.  While it is ideal to work with a qualified CBT therapist, it is something that can be one using self-guided books.  It is not particularly tricky, but it does involve practice and putting in the effort over and over again.  Think of it like breaking a bad habit and learning a good one.  Practice makes perfect!

The second is medication, typically a class of drugs also used to treat depression called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, or SSRIs.  These drugs help increase the amount of the neurotransmitter serotonin avaiable in our brains.  For reasons that aren't yet fully understood this can help many sufferers reduce their OCD symptoms.  The effectiveness and potential side effects of each drug vary from person to person, so it can take some time to find the right medication and dosage level, but it is a very useful tool for many sufferers.  Its especially effective when used in combination with CBT.  Some people take medication for a short time while they begin CBT and learn to manage their symptoms that way, while others (myself included) take the drugs long term (27 years and counting for me).  It will depend on what your doctor recommends, what you feel comfortable with, how well the drugs work for you, any side effects and how much time/effort you can put in to the therapy side.

Recovery from OCD is like a marathon.  Its a long journey, and it can seem impossibly slow at times, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the work, in time you will reach your goals.  This forum and the main OCD-UK charity site are great places to start, to learn more about OCD, to share your problems with others and get advice and guidance, so I encourage you to look around and keep participating in the  forums.  

It definteily sucks to have to deal with mental health issues like OCD, and I am sorry that you are dealing with them now. But there is hope.  Things can absolutely get better.
 

On 11/09/2020 at 06:29, mchmis26 said:

This might be one big reassurance grab, but what if I'm telling you all this to manipulate, or want to be diagnosed with OCD?

Believe it or not this is a common concern among sufferers.  Trust us when we tell you faking OCD is not so easy.  You'd have to do some extensive research on behaviors and symptoms.  While not official medical experts, many of us have been dealing with OCD and OCD sufferers for a LONG time, some of us have been forum members here for years.  We've seen a LOT of behavior and you get pretty good at recognizing things after some time  Is it theoretically possible you are an internet troll who has come here to try and fool us all with your abundance of knowledge and incredible acting skills?  Sure, I guess.  Not sure why you'd want to, but anything's possible.  Is it theoretically possible you will ACCIDENTALLY be able to fool us all in to believing you have OCD when you don't?  I mean, yeah theoretically, though i'd say the odds on that are INCREDIBLY slim   The most LIKELY explanation is you are an OCD sufferer who is experiencing doubt and worry which is exactly what OCD does to us.  Ironic as it seems, doubting you have OCD is pretty typical for someone with OCD.

 

Quote

 I don't even know why I'm posting here, I'm just scared.

Being scared is a pretty good reason to seek help.  Hopefully this is another step on your journey to recovery.  Admitting you have a problem and being willing to ask for help is a pretty big step to take, and you've already done quite a bit of that so you should be proud of yourself.  Thats not easy to do at 17.  I'd say you are on the right track, now your job is to keep going and getting that help you need to take the next steps towards recovery.

[mchmis26]

@dkseaoh my goodness, thank you for such a detailed response with all that information. I’m so grateful, it must have taken you some time.

I will try and be pushy to get help, I guess it’s just hard to talk about. Ever since I was a child I’d have obsessions around my health (all started when my brother told me about tapeworms when I was around 7 and I’d be convinced I had them lol). But they were not as debilitating as the major one about my sexuality/gender identity I had last year which I was told was mostly stress by a therapist due to me starting college. I told her about my fears about hurting someone or being a bad person and she just told me that everyone has obsessions, just think of them as cars on a motorway that disappear and leave your mind.

I sometimes use the idea of OCD as relief but obviously it wouldn’t nip obsessions in the bud. I was told by my dad that OCD runs in the family which increased my suspicions about it. But that made me think that maybe I am in fact trying to justify my real thoughts through OCD and I’m actually just in denial.

But I guess I doubt if I have OCD due to that and the results of a questionnaire I took at the start of therapy before I experienced the larger episodes a few weeks later.

I guess I have another question for you, how convincing can OCD be? Can it make you believe that you are something, by giving you evidence and not going away? Can it change your perception of yourself? I remember having to falsely come out as bisexual to a couple people after I felt as if doing that would make it go away, and it kind of did and moved on to my gender identity. Can it be that powerful?

Once again, thank you for the information you have given me. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a good day!

 

[dksea]

On 12/09/2020 at 19:35, mchmis26 said:

oh my goodness, thank you for such a detailed response with all that information. I’m so grateful, it must have taken you some time.

You're very welcome  Don't worry it doesn't take me too long these days, I've shared similar explanations quite a few times over the years, so its a lot easier to type it out now.  I really should just save a copy and paste it the next time, lol.  One of the few positives in having OCD has been the ability to help others by sharing what we have learned through forums like this one.  I didn't really have that when I was first staring on my OCD journey, and boy am I jealous  If it can make it easier for new sufferers like yourself, then its more than worth the small effort!!
 

On 12/09/2020 at 19:35, mchmis26 said:

I guess it’s just hard to talk about.

I totally understand, there is a lot of improvement yet to be done around mental health issues and getting people who don't have to deal with them to understand.  But its improving so thats good.  And in time you'll become more comfortable and confident.  It took me years before I was ready to talk about my OCD with anyone other than my parents and my doctor, and even with them I wasn't always comfortable sharing the details of my fears.  Fortunately the details matter a lot less than we, as sufferers, think they do!  Whats most important is that you are having repetitive intrusive thoughts that are causing a significant disruption in your life.  The particular details of the thoughts are not really the issue.  Many many sufferers believe that they need to get ALL the details out but you really don't.  Try to keep that in mind.
 

On 12/09/2020 at 19:35, mchmis26 said:

Ever since I was a child I’d have obsessions around my health (all started when my brother told me about tapeworms when I was around 7 and I’d be convinced I had them lol). But they were not as debilitating as the major one about my sexuality/gender identity I had last year which I was told was mostly stress by a therapist due to me starting college. I told her about my fears about hurting someone or being a bad person and she just told me that everyone has obsessions, just think of them as cars on a motorway that disappear and leave your mind.

Yeah, its not uncommon for sufferers to look back and notice more mild symptoms once the OCD becomes troublesome enough to be a big deal.  Tween/teen age is often a time where peoples OCD erupts, probably due to hormonal changes and what not, but there is still a lot we don't know about OCD or why it starts when it does.

As for your therapist, while its true that everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time, obsessions are different and the fact is, for OCD sufferers those thoughts don't just disappear and leave your mind, thats the problem!  Part of the goal of recovery is to help your brain get better at doing that with intrusive thoughts, but we have to make an effort to learn that because its NOT automatic for us all the time.  It is true that stress can exacerbate fears and anxiety, and maybe this is a temporary spike due to such fear, but I'd say your description and the prolonged nature point to a deeper problem than simple situational stress.  Unfortunately however well meaning the therapist is, I don't think they are well versed in OCD and anxiety disorders.  I hope you'll get the chance to talk to someone different next time.  Since you used the world "college" rather than "university" I'm going to guess you are a fellow American like me  One good resource for us is the International OCD Foundation, which despite its name is a US based charity.  You might check out their website for information on finding a qualified therapist in the US near you.  While OCD-UK is an amazing resource on OCD and I am grateful for the forums they provide, unfortunately their therapist information is pretty specific to the UK, so it won't be much help in finding specific therapists, though the advice about OCD in general is still relevant of course.
 

On 12/09/2020 at 19:35, mchmis26 said:

I sometimes use the idea of OCD as relief but obviously it wouldn’t nip obsessions in the bud. I was told by my dad that OCD runs in the family which increased my suspicions about it. But that made me think that maybe I am in fact trying to justify my real thoughts through OCD and I’m actually just in denial.

Yes, OCD definitely has a genetic component (as proven by twin studies).  It runs in my family as well.

Regarding "real" thoughts, one thing to realize about OCD is that ALL thoughts you have are real.  Either you have a thought or you don't.  The only person thinking your thoughts is you.  That can seem kind of scary, because a lot of people think "real" thoughts means that its something you like/want.  However thats not the case.  Real doesn't mean meaningful.  After all, in order to understand or even be aware of something you have to be able to have a thought about it.  So a nice example might be, say, flying.  In order to understand the concept of flying you have to be able to think ABOUT flying.  But that doesn't mean you CAN fly, or WANT to fly, or will try TO fly.  For a more scary example, consider murder.  In order to know that the concept of murder exists you have to be able to have a thought about it.  But thinking about murder or even imagining murder doesn't mean you want to murder, or you will murder, or you like actual murder.  If it did, then every movie or book or tv writer who ever included murder in their plots would be a crazed killer.  And so would every actor involved in the movie, and every director, etc.  The whole world would just be crazy murderers if simply having a thought ABOUT murder was enough to prove you were a killer. 

The point is, all thoughts are "real" in that you have them or you don't.  But having a thought doesn't mean its what you want, or what you will do.  Its an important and useful point in dealing with OCD.
 

On 12/09/2020 at 19:35, mchmis26 said:

But I guess I doubt if I have OCD due to that and the results of a questionnaire I took at the start of therapy before I experienced the larger episodes a few weeks later.

Those sorts of things can be helpful in diagnosing problems but they aren't fool proof.  Unlike, say, the flu, you can't easily take a test that gives you a yes/no result for mental health issues.  Questionaires can be starting points but they aren't authoritative.  Thats why seeing a qualified mental health professional is so important.  And, as you experienced, your situation can change.  If I'd taken a questionnaire about OCD at age 12 I wouldn't have had a problem, if I took it again at 14 I would, since my OCD burst on to the scene when I was 13.  Sounds like you are in a similar place and thats valid.  Maybe you didn't really have the problem before, but you do now.  OCD is, unfortunately, the type of thing that can develop over time, like an allergy.  Some people start early, some people don't have problems until later in life, but when you do it is real, and difficult.  And you have every right to get help when it does happen.
 

On 12/09/2020 at 19:35, mchmis26 said:

I guess I have another question for you, how convincing can OCD be? Can it make you believe that you are something, by giving you evidence and not going away? Can it change your perception of yourself? I remember having to falsely come out as bisexual to a couple people after I felt as if doing that would make it go away, and it kind of did and moved on to my gender identity. Can it be that powerful?

OCD is very powerful, and the doubt it causes can definitely have a huge impact on us.  Regarding "evidence", humans are actually often very bad at evaluating evidence objectively (just look at politics) and that can become especially true when dealing with conditions like OCD.  The problem is that OCD influences our perceptions, it makes things FEEL more important than they are, and makes us feel doubt where we shouldn't.  It taints the evidence.  We often think we are looking at the situation "objectively", it feels that way to us, but we really aren't.  This is observable when we seek out reassurance from person after person.  We might ask the same question over and over to the same person or different people, and despite them telling us that such and such is no big deal, we still FEEL like it is (because of doubt) so we keep asking.  Thats not very objective, if you ask 100 people if something is a problem and 99 say its not, most objective people would think "huh, must not be a problem".  But the OCD sufferer focuses in on the ONE person who didn't agree.  Its illogical as heck, but we struggle with it anyway because OCD is affecting us.

Confession, meanwhile, is a very common OCD compulsion.  I'm not surprised you felt that confessing your "reality" is something you tried.  You feel like something is wrong, you consider "maybe I am just not accepting reality, maybe I am in denial", well the solution to that is "accepting" what you are denying right?  You WANT to feel "OK" again, so you try to do what you think will help.  And confessing is a way of accepting things.  So you confess, hoping that it will give you that feeling of "OK".  Sometimes it works...for a little while.  But unlike true acceptance in a case of denial, in the case of OCD, confession doesn't actually help.  For one, the problem isn't denial to begin with, so you aren't actually accepting reality to begin with.  For another, confession tells your brain that "oh, so this thought I was having IS important" which makes it stick around.  So yes, absolutely OCD can push you to do things like make false confessions.  I was going through a very rough patch awhile back, dealing with the fear that I might "lose control" and hurt myself.  At one point my fear got so bad I drove myself to the urgent care unit at my local hospital and called my parents to come pick me up.  I was literally afraid to be alone because of the fear OCD was causing.  This despite not actually wanting to hurt myself at all (in fact death is probably one of my biggest fears in life, always has been).  But the OCD made me believe some random intrusive thought was meaningful.  Over the years I have seen people on this forum share stories of try to turn themselves in to police for fear they would commit a crime (which they never did) or engaging in all sorts of avoidance behaviors to "prevent" some feared bad outcome.  So yes, absolutely it can be that powerful.  Thats the bad news.  The good news is you can overcome it.  Its not a quick process, but its a worthwhile one.  People with OCD can and do go on to live fulfilling and productive lives.  They graduate from college, have successful careers, find love, build families, travel the world, etc.  OCD makes some things in life harder than they might be for some other people, but so do lots of other things.  We all just have to do the best with what life gives us.  Hang in there, you can beat this too!

[DC82]

On 11/09/2020 at 05:29, mchmis26 said:

I went to see my GP as I did not want to keep experiencing what I had been going through, and I wanted something to knock me out at night. I was referred back to my then therapist (and started taking an OTC sleep aid without my GP's knowledge), who gave me mindfullness/coping strategies and told me it was just stress.

@mchmis26 It is probably a good idea to go back to your GP if you feel you are struggling. 
 

On 11/09/2020 at 05:29, mchmis26 said:

I don't know what to do. I don't want to self diagnose

You cannot get a diagnosis of OCD from a forum. 

Even if something in a forum post sounds like OCD, I don’t think it provides enough information to diagnose OCD  - and the majority of people aren’t qualified to do that anyway. I don’t think self diagnosis is a good idea. 

Only a trained medical professional who is qualified to diagnose OCD can formally assess you and diagnose you. There is a reason why they study for years. 

The medical professional is trained in assessing you, and is skilled in asking questions (looking more closely into what you say) to ascertain a more accurate understanding of the nature, frequency, and severity of your problems (among other things). The medical professional will have knowledge of different mental health problems, and how they sometimes link together, or look similar. 

My suggestion is to go back to your doctor and explain your situation in as much detail as you can, in the time that you have. Perhaps you could request an assessment and diagnosis by a qualified professional. Hopefully you can then get some help for your problems. 

Edited September 14, 2020 by DC82

[mchmis26]

9 hours ago, dksea said:

You're very welcome  Don't worry it doesn't take me too long these days, I've shared similar explanations quite a few times over the years, so its a lot easier to type it out now.  I really should just save a copy and paste it the next time, lol.  One of the few positives in having OCD has been the ability to help others by sharing what we have learned through forums like this one.  I didn't really have that when I was first staring on my OCD journey, and boy am I jealous  If it can make it easier for new sufferers like yourself, then its more than worth the small effort!!
 

I totally understand, there is a lot of improvement yet to be done around mental health issues and getting people who don't have to deal with them to understand.  But its improving so thats good.  And in time you'll become more comfortable and confident.  It took me years before I was ready to talk about my OCD with anyone other than my parents and my doctor, and even with them I wasn't always comfortable sharing the details of my fears.  Fortunately the details matter a lot less than we, as sufferers, think they do!  Whats most important is that you are having repetitive intrusive thoughts that are causing a significant disruption in your life.  The particular details of the thoughts are not really the issue.  Many many sufferers believe that they need to get ALL the details out but you really don't.  Try to keep that in mind.
 

Yeah, its not uncommon for sufferers to look back and notice more mild symptoms once the OCD becomes troublesome enough to be a big deal.  Tween/teen age is often a time where peoples OCD erupts, probably due to hormonal changes and what not, but there is still a lot we don't know about OCD or why it starts when it does.

As for your therapist, while its true that everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time, obsessions are different and the fact is, for OCD sufferers those thoughts don't just disappear and leave your mind, thats the problem!  Part of the goal of recovery is to help your brain get better at doing that with intrusive thoughts, but we have to make an effort to learn that because its NOT automatic for us all the time.  It is true that stress can exacerbate fears and anxiety, and maybe this is a temporary spike due to such fear, but I'd say your description and the prolonged nature point to a deeper problem than simple situational stress.  Unfortunately however well meaning the therapist is, I don't think they are well versed in OCD and anxiety disorders.  I hope you'll get the chance to talk to someone different next time.  v One good resource for us is the International OCD Foundation, which despite its name is a US based charity.  You might check out their website for information on finding a qualified therapist in the US near you.  While OCD-UK is an amazing resource on OCD and I am grateful for the forums they provide, unfortunately their therapist information is pretty specific to the UK, so it won't be much help in finding specific therapists, though the advice about OCD in general is still relevant of course.
 

Yes, OCD definitely has a genetic component (as proven by twin studies).  It runs in my family as well.

Regarding "real" thoughts, one thing to realize about OCD is that ALL thoughts you have are real.  Either you have a thought or you don't.  The only person thinking your thoughts is you.  That can seem kind of scary, because a lot of people think "real" thoughts means that its something you like/want.  However thats not the case.  Real doesn't mean meaningful.  After all, in order to understand or even be aware of something you have to be able to have a thought about it.  So a nice example might be, say, flying.  In order to understand the concept of flying you have to be able to think ABOUT flying.  But that doesn't mean you CAN fly, or WANT to fly, or will try TO fly.

The point is, all thoughts are "real" in that you have them or you don't.  But having a thought doesn't mean its what you want, or what you will do.  Its an important and useful point in dealing with OCD.
 

Those sorts of things can be helpful in diagnosing problems but they aren't fool proof.  Unlike, say, the flu, you can't easily take a test that gives you a yes/no result for mental health issues.  Questionaires can be starting points but they aren't authoritative.  Thats why seeing a qualified mental health professional is so important.  And, as you experienced, your situation can change.  If I'd taken a questionnaire about OCD at age 12 I wouldn't have had a problem, if I took it again at 14 I would, since my OCD burst on to the scene when I was 13.  Sounds like you are in a similar place and thats valid.  Maybe you didn't really have the problem before, but you do now.  OCD is, unfortunately, the type of thing that can develop over time, like an allergy.  Some people start early, some people don't have problems until later in life, but when you do it is real, and difficult.  And you have every right to get help when it does happen.
 

OCD is very powerful, and the doubt it causes can definitely have a huge impact on us.  Regarding "evidence", humans are actually often very bad at evaluating evidence objectively (just look at politics) and that can become especially true when dealing with conditions like OCD.  The problem is that OCD influences our perceptions, it makes things FEEL more important than they are, and makes us feel doubt where we shouldn't.  It taints the evidence.  We often think we are looking at the situation "objectively", it feels that way to us, but we really aren't.  This is observable when we seek out reassurance from person after person.  We might ask the same question over and over to the same person or different people, and despite them telling us that such and such is no big deal, we still FEEL like it is (because of doubt) so we keep asking.  Thats not very objective, if you ask 100 people if something is a problem and 99 say its not, most objective people would think "huh, must not be a problem".  But the OCD sufferer focuses in on the ONE person who didn't agree.  Its illogical as heck, but we struggle with it anyway because OCD is affecting us.
 

 This despite not actually wanting to hurt myself at all (in fact death is probably one of my biggest fears in life, always has been).  But the OCD made me believe some random intrusive thought was meaningful.  Over the years I have seen people on this forum share stories of try to turn themselves in to police for fear they would commit a crime (which they never did) or engaging in all sorts of avoidance behaviors to "prevent" some feared bad outcome.  So yes, absolutely it can be that powerful.  Thats the bad news.  The good news is you can overcome it.  Its not a quick process, but its a worthwhile one.  People with OCD can and do go on to live fulfilling and productive lives.  They graduate from college, have successful careers, find love, build families, travel the world, etc.  OCD makes some things in life harder than they might be for some other people, but so do lots of other things.  

 

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One of the few positives in having OCD has been the ability to help others by sharing what we have learned through forums like this one.

Its amazing how such a negative experience can be used to help others, you're doing great work on here and I'm so grateful for your support right now.

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Yeah, its not uncommon for sufferers to look back and notice more mild symptoms once the OCD becomes troublesome enough to be a big deal.

It gives me relief that right now my thoughts could be OCD but I have trouble maintaining that thought without other thoughts coming in and being like "lol no stop manipulating yourself dude."

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Since you used the world "college" rather than "university" I'm going to guess you are a fellow American like me

Ah, I see how I could be perceived as American, however I am indeed from the UK. Once you finish year 11 (American Sophomore year) here, you either go to sixth form or college for 2 years until 18 years old for Alevels/BTEC and then you head off to university or work/apprenticeships. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up  

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 For a more scary example, consider murder.  In order to know that the concept of murder exists you have to be able to have a thought about it.  But thinking about murder or even imagining murder doesn't mean you want to murder, or you will murder, or you like actual murder.  If it did, then every movie or book or tv writer who ever included murder in their plots would be a crazed killer.  And so would every actor involved in the movie, and every director, etc.  The whole world would just be crazy murderers if simply having a thought ABOUT murder was enough to prove you were a killer. 

That is a really good example, I will definitely think about that. However, it's hard to think of that and feel totally reassured when I'm starting to believe that I am a covert narcissist, and the things I could be doing aren't noticed by anyone else and I could have a silent motive and be silently manipulating people. 

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Confession, meanwhile, is a very common OCD compulsion.  I'm not surprised you felt that confessing your "reality" is something you tried.  You feel like something is wrong, you consider "maybe I am just not accepting reality, maybe I am in denial", well the solution to that is "accepting" what you are denying right?  You WANT to feel "OK" again, so you try to do what you think will help.  And confessing is a way of accepting things.  So you confess, hoping that it will give you that feeling of "OK".  Sometimes it works...for a little while.  But unlike true acceptance in a case of denial, in the case of OCD, confession doesn't actually help.  For one, the problem isn't denial to begin with, so you aren't actually accepting reality to begin with.  For another, confession tells your brain that "oh, so this thought I was having IS important" which makes it stick around.  So yes, absolutely OCD can push you to do things like make false confessions.  I was going through a very rough patch awhile back, dealing with the fear that I might "lose control" and hurt myself.  At one point my fear got so bad I drove myself to the urgent care unit at my local hospital and called my parents to come pick me up.  I was literally afraid to be alone because of the fear OCD was causing.

I came to the conclusion after feeling better from an episode I had last year that my mind is not happy until I accept the thoughts and change into what the thoughts want me to be. Like I'm some playdough and I'm being morphed into something that will make my mind happy and leave me alone. It's like a bully in my mind, even speaking to me as such. "Bro just admit it, you're in denial, look in the mirror and tell me you look like a girl, you really don't. Just become a boy, I know best. This really isn't OCD, you're trying to suppress me to convince yourself and others that you're not a bad person. I know what you are and you know it too."  Thoughts like that.

I'm so sorry that you went through what you did, I can understand that isolation and fear to be alone. I was okay with others to an extent but as soon as they would have to leave the call, or go do work, or my family all went to bed, I was alone for the next 8 ish hours. I'm grateful my cat is up at ungodly times of the night to keep me company. But these past few nights my bedroom survival kit has been **** tons of food, a sleep aid, endless YouTube content and a massive glass of squash. I've learnt to keep it at bay at night, which is an improvement from waking up after 2 hours of sleep last year shaking from fear. I'd hate for anyone to feel that way too, I hope you're feeling better, I assume you've had some improvement due to your willingness to help others on here, and if so I am glad.

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We all just have to do the best with what life gives us.  Hang in there, you can beat this too!

Once again I am so so grateful for your support and knowledge. I admire your dedication to helping others on here and hope that I can do the same one day. I look forward to the day I can have fun with my friends and live a life without a bully in my head. Thank you.

[mchmis26]

9 hours ago, DC82 said:

@mchmis26 It is probably a good idea to go back to your GP if you feel you are struggling. 
 

You cannot get a diagnosis of OCD from a forum. 

Even if something in a forum post sounds like OCD, I don’t think it provides enough information to diagnose OCD  - and the majority of people aren’t qualified to do that anyway. I don’t think self diagnosis is a good idea. 

Only a trained medical professional who is qualified to diagnose OCD can formally assess you and diagnose you. There is a reason why they study for years. 

The medical professional is trained in assessing you, and is skilled in asking questions (looking more closely into what you say) to ascertain a more accurate understanding of the nature, frequency, and severity of your problems (among other things). The medical professional will have knowledge of different mental health problems, and how they sometimes link together, or look similar. 

My suggestion is to go back to your doctor and explain your situation in as much detail as you can, in the time that you have. Perhaps you could request an assessment and diagnosis by a qualified professional. Hopefully you can then get some help for your problems. 

Thank you for your response. I was not trying to self diagnose, more gain an insight as to whether I could have OCD and should speak to a professional. And your suggestion that i should is a good one. I'm seeing a GP today for an unrelated health complaint so I might be able to slip something in about the obsessions I've been having recently.

Thank you!