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My OCD feels so warped


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(I posted this on another site when I was in tears a few days ago, didn't really get replies so i'm gonna go ahead and post it on here too though I probably post too much anyways. Any insight or advice on this will be greatly appreciated...)

 

 

I miss the old me so much but i'll probably never see her again. She was such a caring and compassionate kid but I guess mental illness changes people. I know it's impossible but I want to go back to the times when my ocd started and change my actions so I could be in a better place now but I can't and I gotta move forward yet I don't exactly know where to go. I am not happy with the person i've become, a heartless being with a ****** way of thinking. I am not happy because it's hard to function with all this rumination I do about thoughts I believe but don't want to believe. Thoughts that it doesn't matter if someone dies because they won't even be conscious afterwards, they won't feel anything, they just won't exsit anymore like before they were born. I feel like I could accept that thought and move on without caring too much if I didn't think that applied to murder as well. I need to fix this horrible mindset. Why don't I understand what's wrong with murder anymore? Someone with harm OCD can't possibly begin to think like this but It's all I think about now. I keep ruminating on it to see why it's wrong and when I feel like I value life again, i'm so pleased, but it doesn't last long because of the same thought. I'm stuck on this and I don't know how to get out. Obviously ruminating isn't helping but it's hard to stop cause I feel like I have to understand every thought i'm confused about. The old me wouldn't of agreed to these thoughts for a second, so what happened? Let me backtrack a little bit to when I had Harm OCD, you know the basic stuff, super scared I was gonna hurt someone, go insane, intrusive thoughts, all that ****. One day I was suddenly hit with a depression. It was like something in my psyche just snapped. I still had the intrusive thoughts and I started having really bad urges with them. I believe that was still OCD's work then now but at the same time, i'm not quite sure. The rumination truely started when that day but I don't think it was ever as bad as it is now. I remember at the time that someone said killing someone as punishment was harsh and I thought "how is that harsh?" which made me continously try to understand why it's so harsh again. I would ruminate on the bus about why killing was so wrong and even imagine scenarios of it to try to get myself to understand again. Before all this, I would bring up the thoughts as a test and I would always get a rush of anxiety and say I would never hurt anybody but it doesn't work anymore because now it's like I don't know the answer when I should. I feel like i've lost my values and morals. That's why I find it so hard to believe i'm still suffering from OCD. I want to care again but.. how??

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Well, when are you going to give up your ruminating?

You know ruminating is a compulsion, right? Did you know it's about the most common compulsion? And you do it all the time. And you're not getting better, so... how's all that ruminating working out for you?

Testing is another compulsion. Imagining scenarios to test your reaction... big compulsion. And I'll bet it doesn't help either.

So... if what you're doing is not working, don't you think maybe it's time to do something different?

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44 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Well, when are you going to give up your ruminating?

You know ruminating is a compulsion, right? Did you know it's about the most common compulsion? And you do it all the time. And you're not getting better, so... how's all that ruminating working out for you?

Testing is another compulsion. Imagining scenarios to test your reaction... big compulsion. And I'll bet it doesn't help either.

So... if what you're doing is not working, don't you think maybe it's time to do something different?

You're right, it's just hard. I feel like I have to do it. I tried not ruminating as much today but the thought would always come back and give me some anxeity I havn't really felt in a long time. When that happened I tried to convince myself that it won't do anything when I get the urge but maybe that's not the best thing to do? It'll take some time ig...

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On 15/09/2020 at 05:25, Savy said:

I just think I'm the only one going throught this, it's not normal...

No, its not normal, its OCD and OCD is a disorder.  I know what you are going to say "But I mean its not normal for OCD!".  It may feel that way to you, but that's because YOU are the only one experiencing your symptoms directly.  Every other story you hear about OCD is just that, a story, its only part of the picture, so its easy to think "well but my situation is different".  Trust me, its really not.  That doesn't mean it isn't hard, or painful, or frustrating, its all those things, and to the person suffering its the worst thing.  But its not unique to you, trust people like me and PolarBear, we've been around awhile.  If I had a dollar for every person on this forum who posted "but my OCD is different/my situation is different/surely this isn't just OCD/etc" I'd be able to retire!

Stopping rumination is hard.  Its an easy habit to fall in to and a tricky one to fall out of.  I highly recommend the book BrainLock.  The 4 Step Method from that book (and it can be found online too if you want to check it out, though I think the other info from BrainLock is worth it) is a very helpful method that I found works well for dealing with rumination.  I highly encourage you to work with a therapist if possible and start doing CBT.  Or get a CBT workbook of some sort.  Make a plan and set some goals.  Just having vague notions of wanting to "get better" seldom works for most people.  Concrete steps and achievable specific goals will make it much easier to feel like you are making progress.  You can do that with the help of a therapist or on your own, but either way you ultimately have to make the choices and take the actions.  Things aren't going to just get better, you have to help make them get better.  There is help of course, you don't have to do it alone, but you have to be the one in charge.

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I don't think OCD can make you obsess over questions and make you confused over simple things you should know naturally? Unless this is some sort of exsitential OCD? I have started getting a bit anxious when the urge to ruminate comes around but does that even matter? This must be the depression acting out... i've gone through things like this before and I had gotten over it but now it's back harder than ever before and I really want to get over this for good. If anyone has a clue on what's going on, please say something, i'd really like to know what you think.

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On 20/09/2020 at 11:56, Savy said:

I don't think OCD can make you obsess over questions and make you confused over simple things you should know naturally?

OCD can make you obsess over anything, including whether or not you have OCD.

You want to feel SURE this is OCD.  Unfortunately you might not feel sure.  That doesn't mean its not OCD.  You have to choose to treat it as OCD even if you have some doubts.  It would be easier if you could feel certain but you don't have to feel certain to treat it.  You just have to make the choice and then stick with it.

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 I think my problem is that i'm constantly focusing on that one thought and it's getting me no where. I keep trying to disprove it but technically it isn't false and what I mean is I can't disprove that when someone dies, they won't feel anything. The reason why I put so much time and energy on this one thought is because I don't want to see it as an excuse to hurt anybody. I'm not to sure if it's still OCD but I know it at least stemmed from my past of harm OCD (pure o) and that I have done what I believe to be compulsions on this by imagining scenarios in my head over and over again to try and feel and understand why those thoughts are so wrong and illogical, to test myself, to make sure I don't actually believe death doesn't matter because I don't to hurt anyone but these compulsions have only confirmed that I am just a psychopath or something. I guess focusing on that one thought, that one point of view, blocks me from seeing the other views I once had but so desperately want back. I need to stop trying to care so much but even jokes about death and what not that other people don't seem to care about are suddenly triggering to me. If I see someone care about something I don't care about, I begin to analyze on why I should care but I can't just force my emotions like that, especially if they are dull as ever. Maybe this is some sort of confused thinking?  I have noticed that when I don't focus on that one thought so much, I begin to understand again naturally so i'll try to resist ruminating and fix my sleeping schedule than hopefully I should be able to heal. I could be in the place I was a year ago when I was actually so torn by the death of a loved one and I won't have to cry on these forums again! That would be lovely, wouldn't it?

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