Some thoughts

[Cora]

This post is mainly about two things. I apologise as I know I'm repeating myself but I really don't know what to do.

Firstly, as I've said in my previous post, I think I've abused my brother. By that I mean that I impulsively kissed him after having sexual sensations/feelings in my body. It happened three of four times. I did not want to hurt him, and I never would do it on purpose, but I impulsively did, acting on my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I've committed one of the worst and most disgusting crimes ever, and, as much as it hurts to say it, I feel that I should be either locked up somewhere or dead. I can't unsee the fact that I'm an abuser and I've betrayed everyone in my life, especially my brother, parents and boyfriend. 
In addition, yesterday and two days ago I impulsively touched his leg and arm, respectively, after having an intrusive thought/image. I don't know why I did it (what an abuser would say, right?!). Even thought it only lasted a second in both cases, I feel like I can't control my body anymore and I'm probably able to do something much, much worse. 

The second thing is that I think I am one of the most disgusting perverts in the world. I'm a pervert because I keep getting sexual feelings for my brother, and whenever I give him a hug or kiss (I should probably stop doing that) I only see the sexual part of it, not the sweet, normal sibling affection I used to see before. I'm a pervert because I believe I like the thoughts and sensations I have. I'm a pervert because sometimes I feel aroused by certain touches, kisses and hugs that my brother gives me. I'm a pervert because I keep experiencing some of the most awful and repulsive urges, and because it feels that I'm seconds away from acting on them. I'm a pervert because sometimes I think I want to have an intimate relationship with my brother. I'm a pervert. 

And, on top of all of this, it seems that I'm not bothered by all this mess anymore. It might seem that I'm distressed, but I'm actually not. I'm pretty calm. Also, it seems that I agree with the incest idea, and see nothing wrong with it because I don't get repulsed by it... not even a bit... nothing. 

Sometimes I feel bad about myself, I even did it a couple of minutes ago. But I shouldn't feel bad or sorry about myself. I'm a trash human so it's fine. I don't deserve anything good. I only deserve to die, although that would be too good of a punishment. 

I'm sorry. I really don't know why I'm posting this. And I apologise if you are frustrated with me. But please, please, could you let me know if you agree with the fact that I've abused my brother? Even though I think I indeed abused him, I would like to know what others think about it. 

Thank you for reading this, and I'm sorry for the messy post. I'm also sorry if I've made anyone feel uncomfortable. Please, feel free to tell me what a disgusting sexual deviant I am - I will accept it as it's the truth.

Edited September 22, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

I really think I've abused my brother and ruined his childhood. Why am I so calm about this? Why am I still free and not locked up somewhere? 

My brain is currently screaming at me that I'm a child molester. I don't know what to do. Where do I go now? 

Edited September 22, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

I'm not going to answer your questions, for reasons explained several times earlier.

You are doing all the wrong things, which will only make your situation worse.

 

[Bodge]

Cora.....please go and see a professional doctor or find private help from a psychologist with these thoughts. They will help you and work through with you how to overcome this and beat the ocd bully. 

[OxCD]

@Cora Cora Cora Cora Cora. We’ve been through this loop a hundred times. Do you feel any better by doing this? Clearly not. So try something else - distract yourself and get professional help. Be strong - it’ll hurt, but it’ll be no worse than the agony you’re putting yourself through already.

[Cora]

I'm so sorry. I know you are all trying to help me but it's over for me. I feel like a monster. I am a monster. And I have proof for that. I spent all morning in bed, and I had moments when I felt that I wanted to watch inappropriate content involving children and pleasure myself to my thoughts (I apologise for the details). I didn't do such things but it felt like I could do it any minute. And it also felt that I was suppressing certain feelings, such as arousal, exctiment, and feelings of liking my thoughts. I'm now up, I can't stand my bed anymore, but the disgust and shame are still with me. 

For some reason, I kept getting a lot of Dr. Phil recommendations on youtube, and most of the videos were about really messed up cases, such as incest, child abuse and paedophilia. I ended up watching a couple of videos, and the anxiety and guilt I got from watching them made me feel like the worst fraud.  Also, I kept having thoughts, which came in as facts, that I've definitely  abused my brother, by kissing him in inappropriate situations and enjoying having certain sensations when being touched by him.

I just can't. This is it. This is who I truly am. 

I'm supposed to see my boyfriend later. How do I do it when I'm covered in this dirt and filth? He is touching this disgusting human being not knowing what's really going inside her mind and body. I'm so sorry for him...

Edited September 22, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

Please, can anyone tell me if I indeed abused my brother? 

[felix4]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

And, on top of all of this, it seems that I'm not bothered by all this mess anymore. It might seem that I'm distressed, but I'm actually not. I'm pretty calm. Also, it seems that I agree with the incest idea, and see nothing wrong with it because I don't get repulsed by it... not even a bit... nothing. 

 

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I really think I've abused my brother and ruined his childhood. Why am I so calm about this? Why am I still free and not locked up somewhere? 

My brain is currently screaming at me that I'm a child molester. I don't know what to do. Where do I go now? 

 

If you are so calm, & not distressed, then why keep posting?

You NEED professional help!  

 

[Cora]

@felix4, my appointment with the GP is in 2 weeks. There's nothing else I can do. 

[OxCD]

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

@felix4, my appointment with the GP is in 2 weeks. There's nothing else I can do. 

Ring them and tell them it’s urgent. You’re very unwell.

[felix4]

4 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Ring them and tell them it’s urgent. You’re very unwell.

I agree!

 

 

[Cora]

24 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Ring them and tell them it’s urgent. You’re very unwell.

 

19 minutes ago, felix4 said:

I agree!

 

 

I'm sorry, but I can't do it, at least not today. 

I suppose that people are not answering my questions because it's all true - I abused my brother. 

[OxCD]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

 

I'm sorry, but I can't do it, at least not today. 

I suppose that people are not answering my questions because it's all true - I abused my brother. 

Why not?

[Cora]

Just now, OxCD said:

Why not?

As stupid as this sounds, I just don't have the courage to ring them. 

[OxCD]

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

As stupid as this sounds, I just don't have the courage to ring them. 

Do it. Go on.

[OxCD]

You just have to arrange an urgent appointment - not go into details.

[Cora]

2 hours ago, OxCD said:

Do it. Go on.

I'm sorry, I didn't do it. 

I just talked to my boyfriend about how I think I abused my brother. I explained that I kissed my brother as in impulse after having sexual feelings in my body. He said that I'm probably reading too much into it and that's not what actually happened. But that's the thing: that's what actually happened. I kissed my 8 years old brother after having a sexual feelings in my body. Not once, not twice, but four times. I would never want to do it. I would never want to hurt my brother. But despite all this I still did it. I'm sorry. 

Please, someone? What do I do now? I can't go to the GP and tell that I've abused my brother. I should but where do I get the courage from to do it?! 

[hazydaze]

@Cora hey lady!  

You know what to do Cora. Stop performing compulsions. No one here is going to tell you that you're a monster. I've been where you're at, with the checking and reassurance seeking. You're asking us to confirm or disprove your "believe" in a round-about way. Asking where you should get the courage to tell your GP you abused your brother?? You aren't going to trick us into reassuring you, one way or the other. I'm not saying you're trying to be manipulative though, don't worry It's the disorder, I know that. 

Hassle your GP. Do it. Do something good for yourself for a change! 

[PolarBear]

5 hours ago, Cora said:

Please, can anyone tell me if I indeed abused my brother? 

No. You are asking for reassurance. You keep asking for reassurance. It's one thing for you to do compulsions all day, every day, but we just can't help you with them. We would only make a terrible situation worse. 

Don't read anything into that. We've been down this road many times with sufferers and giving blatant reassurance does not end well. In fact, it doesn't end. I've seen sufferers on here that ask for reassurance for years.

[PolarBear]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, I didn't do it. 

I just talked to my boyfriend about how I think I abused my brother. I explained that I kissed my brother as in impulse after having sexual feelings in my body. He said that I'm probably reading too much into it and that's not what actually happened. But that's the thing: that's what actually happened. I kissed my 8 years old brother after having a sexual feelings in my body. Not once, not twice, but four times. I would never want to do it. I would never want to hurt my brother. But despite all this I still did it. I'm sorry. 

Please, someone? What do I do now? I can't go to the GP and tell that I've abused my brother. I should but where do I get the courage from to do it?! 

That's not what you do. There is a different way of doing that. You don't say snything about abusing your brother.

The conversation starts like this:

"I think I have OCD. I'm in trouble and I need help."

That's the gist of it. I know, you don't believe your problem is OCD. But, you hang out on an OCD forum every day.

If the doctor asks why you think you have OCD, you say, "I have intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature that really distress me and I do mental compulsions."

That's it. You do not have to go into the specifics of your thoughts or actions with a doctor. You save that until you are with a therapist you can trust.

[OxCD]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

That's not what you do. There is a different way of doing that. You don't say snything about abusing your brother.

The conversation starts like this:

"I think I have OCD. I'm in trouble and I need help."

That's the gist of it. I know, you don't believe your problem is OCD. But, you hang out on an OCD forum every day.

If the doctor asks why you think you have OCD, you say, "I have intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature that really distress me and I do mental compulsions."

That's it. You do not have to go into the specifics of your thoughts or actions with a doctor. You save that until you are with a therapist you can trust.

Yep! What @PolarBear said!

[hazydaze]

Gunna 3rd it. What @PolarBear said. 

 

We tend to think that our OCD isn't OCD. Again, a very common symptom.

If whoever you are talking to is worth their coin, they will tell you the same thing.

One more time, for old times' sake:

You are not your thoughts. Refuse to engage, and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It gets better; once you choose to get better.

[Cora]

Thank you everyone for your help. 

I was busy all day so I didn't call the GP. If I have the courage, I will definitely call them tomorrow. 

I know this is the same thing but I just feel terrible. I have these overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame and I just don't know how to cope with them. Last night my boyfriend tried to help me understand that things are not always black and white, but I just can't help feeling like I abused my brother. I honestly feel like I'm not allowed to live anymore. This is clearly not OCD. I've never seen anyone with OCD do such terrible things, like I did. I admit, there are moments when I want to believe that this OCD, and try to calm myself down by saying that it's not all my fault, but at this point it feels like an excuse. 

Also, even though I want to be reported and let the appropriate authorities know what's going on, I'm scared to do it. I'm scared to lose everything I have. I'm way too scared. And I've just realised how selfish this is, and how this is what a typical abuser would think/say - I don't care about my brother, I only care about myself. 

I feel lost. I'm sorry. 

[OxCD]

38 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you everyone for your help. 

I was busy all day so I didn't call the GP. If I have the courage, I will definitely call them tomorrow. 

I know this is the same thing but I just feel terrible. I have these overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame and I just don't know how to cope with them. Last night my boyfriend tried to help me understand that things are not always black and white, but I just can't help feeling like I abused my brother. I honestly feel like I'm not allowed to live anymore. This is clearly not OCD. I've never seen anyone with OCD do such terrible things, like I did. I admit, there are moments when I want to believe that this OCD, and try to calm myself down by saying that it's not all my fault, but at this point it feels like an excuse. 

Also, even though I want to be reported and let the appropriate authorities know what's going on, I'm scared to do it. I'm scared to lose everything I have. I'm way too scared. And I've just realised how selfish this is, and how this is what a typical abuser would think/say - I don't care about my brother, I only care about myself. 

I feel lost. I'm sorry. 

@Cora You know the answers. You refuse to listen. What do expect us to say? You can get better when you choose to get better and ask for help.

[Cora]

I'm sorry, @OxCD. You are right, I refuse to listen, even though I do want to listen. I just don't know how this is not abuse. 

And top of everything, I think I'm back at experiencing feelings of attraction for my brother. It's awful because they are incredibly real and disgusting. 

Edited September 23, 2020 by Cora