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8 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, @OxCD. You are right, I refuse to listen, even though I do want to listen. I just don't know how this is not abuse. 

And top of everything, I think I'm back at experiencing feelings of attraction for my brother. It's awful because they are incredibly real and disgusting. 

It’s ok. We’ve all been there and think we know best. Unfortunately, when OCD is in control, you’re not the best judge. Please get help!

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1 hour ago, OxCD said:

It’s ok. We’ve all been there and think we know best. Unfortunately, when OCD is in control, you’re not the best judge. Please get help!

I'm sorry. This is really bad. Before my brother went to bed, we were sitting on the sofa and watching tv together. I felt such strong and overwhelming feelings of attraction, as well as urges, and now I'm in complete panic. I know that posting here won't help me, but I just think this is horrible and don't know how to deal with it on my own. 

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15 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry. This is really bad. Before my brother went to bed, we were sitting on the sofa and watching tv together. I felt such strong and overwhelming feelings of attraction, as well as urges, and now I'm in complete panic. I know that posting here won't help me, but I just think this is horrible and don't know how to deal with it on my own. 

Let the panic happen. Let it wash over you. See how you feel when it passes.

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1 hour ago, OxCD said:

Let the panic happen. Let it wash over you. See how you feel when it passes.

Thank you, @OxCD. I've calmed down now. I still feel ashamed and guilty, but at least the panic is gone. Of course, I'm back to worrying about the old stuff now. Even though it's not helpful, I keep replaying the moments when I think I abused my brother, but I still can't figure out why I did such things. 

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5 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @OxCD. I've calmed down now. I still feel ashamed and guilty, but at least the panic is gone. Of course, I'm back to worrying about the old stuff now. Even though it's not helpful, I keep replaying the moments when I think I abused my brother, but I still can't figure out why I did such things. 

Well done. Now distract yourself and put some distance between you and the intrusive thoughts. Then your perspective will change. That means stop giving into your OCD and do something else. Stand up to it - it’s bullying you.

Edited by OxCD
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6 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Well done. Now distract yourself and put some distance between you and the intrusive thoughts. Then your perspective will change. That means stop giving into your OCD and do something else. Stand up to it - it’s bullying you.

Thank you, @OxCD.

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5 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @OxCD.

If it makes you feel better - I’m having to do exactly the same! Totally different subject - contamination related. It’s horrible. But it’s worked for me in the past and will work again. Forced myself to do jobs I don’t like and stopped myself from analysing them today.... Feels sh!t, but it gets easier.

Edited by OxCD
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11 hours ago, hazydaze said:

Keep going, @Cora :) you can do this!!!

You are not your thoughts!! It doesn't matter what they are screaming at you - just because they are loud, doesn't mean it isn't nonsense! :)

I know you can get better. Believe in yourself ?

Thank you so much, @hazydaze. You are very kind!

I just made another appointment with the GP for this afternoon. I'm really scared as I don't know what the outcome will be, but I will go for it. If it's okay with you, I will let you know how it goes. 

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43 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much, @hazydaze. You are very kind!

I just made another appointment with the GP for this afternoon. I'm really scared as I don't know what the outcome will be, but I will go for it. If it's okay with you, I will let you know how it goes. 

You'll be fine Cora! :)

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7 hours ago, Cora said:

I just made another appointment with the GP for this afternoon. I'm really scared as I don't know what the outcome will be, but I will go for it. If it's okay with you, I will let you know how it goes.

The GP was very understanding but I already knew everything she told me. I have another appointment in a week and a bit, and we'll see how that one goes, although I've lost all my hope.

I just feel terrible. I'm a mess and all I want it to die. I know this is stupid, and I apologisefor for this, but for some reason I believe that people here secretly think that I'm an abuser, but won't tell me because they think I'll get hurt. 

Things are worse than they've been before. I feel like, and almost want to, act on my thoughts and urges. I feel terrible for saying this but it's true. I don't know how to describe it but whenever I think of, hear and have dreams about something inappropriate, especially something related to paedophilia, abuse and incest, I experience weird feelings of excitement, curiosity and interest alongside urges that target my brother. Please, tell me, how is this not paedophilia? I can feel it in my body. I can it feel it in my mind. I can feel it in my heart. I am a peadophile. Even now, while I'm typing this out, I'm feeling really strong feelings everywhere in my body, and I think I can go as far as saying that I like them. 

I want this to end. I can't live with myself knowing that I've abused my brother and am capable of abusing him more. I am a monster! Everything bad and shameful that I've done for the past 10 years or so has recently resurfaced and it kills me, knowing that I am this sick, disgusting person and that I've hurt so many people. 

I'm sorry. 

 

Edited by Cora
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There is great a chance that you will hate me, but I have to ask again: please, could you tell me if what I did is abuse? I know it is but I want to hear it from someone else as well. 

When I told my boyfriend what happened, he couldn't believe it and tried to come up with a different scenario. But I know what happened. I was there. But this only shows what a piece of sh*t I am. 

I have to end this. There's really no point in keep going. 

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Cora you're going to have to take a leap of faith and trust us that this is your ocd. 

I know you're dying to believe you're a horrendous monster, but I can tell you without knowing you apart from these messages - you are not. 

So, even if you don't believe me, what I'm trying to say is you're just going to have to sit with whatever you think you are until your next appointment. You then tell them you're in dyer need and are in a serious way, and they can help more in the short term. 

Once you're sat with an ocd specialist doing CBT properly, I can guarantee this pain will to away. So you just need to sit tight until that happens as hard as it is. 

Sending calm thoughts :)

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23 minutes ago, Cora said:

There is great a chance that you will hate me, but I have to ask again: please, could you tell me if what I did is abuse? I know it is but I want to hear it from someone else as well. 

When I told my boyfriend what happened, he couldn't believe it and tried to come up with a different scenario. But I know what happened. I was there. But this only shows what a piece of sh*t I am. 

I have to end this. There's really no point in keep going. 

@Cora This is all the same. You have OCD. Stop apologising, confessing and verbally abusing yourself. What you’re saying is cr@p anyway - if you wanted to end it you wouldn’t be in this forum. Do something else - it’ll make you calmer. And hassle the GP for therapy - don’t let them fob you off girl. Be strong.

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1 hour ago, IsabelJ said:

Cora you're going to have to take a leap of faith and trust us that this is your ocd. 

I know you're dying to believe you're a horrendous monster, but I can tell you without knowing you apart from these messages - you are not. 

So, even if you don't believe me, what I'm trying to say is you're just going to have to sit with whatever you think you are until your next appointment. You then tell them you're in dyer need and are in a serious way, and they can help more in the short term. 

Once you're sat with an ocd specialist doing CBT properly, I can guarantee this pain will to away. So you just need to sit tight until that happens as hard as it is. 

Sending calm thoughts :)

 

1 hour ago, OxCD said:

@Cora This is all the same. You have OCD. Stop apologising, confessing and verbally abusing yourself. What you’re saying is cr@p anyway - if you wanted to end it you wouldn’t be in this forum. Do something else - it’ll make you calmer. And hassle the GP for therapy - don’t let them fob you off girl. Be strong.

Thank you so much, @IsabelJ and @OxCD, for your support. You are really kind to me! 

I just don't know how this is OCD and I'm not an abuser - I impulsively kissed my brother after having a sexual feeling in my body. And I'm more than sure that it happened more than those four times - I can't believe I'm actually saying this - but I just can't remember exactly when and how. 

I don't know how this is OCD if I like my thoughts, enjoy the sensations caused by the thoughts and get very strong urges and impulses to act on the thoughts. 

And, at the end of the day, I don't even feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm not sad enough (most of the time I force myself to be sad), I don't cry, I eat and sleep like a normal person (although I'm trying to starve myself as a way of punishment), and even though I want this to end, I still like to dream about my future. 

Edited by Cora
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2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Everyone needs to be careful about offering reassurance. I know it seems like the nice thing to do, but doing so is directly involving yourself in someone else's compulsions.

Absolutely. Don’t think I did.

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2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I wasn't referring to anyone in particular, though another user gave what I see as reassurance. 

I'm not jumping on anyone. It's hard not to reassure. Sometimes it drives me nuts. But it is the best way with someone like Cora.

It is hard - agree on that. I know we can all sympathise as to how wanting to eliminate that uncertainty can drive us mad. But it is for the greater good.


@Cora One of the lessons I wish I could have taught young me: you don’t have to make all your own mistakes. You can learn from other people’s. You should listen to that - take people’s advice who have already suffered.

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22 minutes ago, Cora said:

I just don't know how this is OCD and I'm not an abuser - I impulsively kissed my brother after having a sexual feeling in my body. And I'm more than sure that it happened more than those four times - I can't believe I'm actually saying this - but I just can't remember exactly when and how. 

I don't know how this is OCD if I like my thoughts, enjoy the sensations caused by the thoughts and get very strong urges and impulses to act on the thoughts. 

And, at the end of the day, I don't even feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm not sad enough (most of the time I force myself to be sad), I don't cry, I eat and sleep like a normal person (although I'm trying to starve myself as a way of punishment), and even though I want this to end, I still like to dream about my future. 

I agree with you, @OxCD, but I did something more than just having thoughts and feelings. 

If I'm not going to kill myself, I have to find a way of how to live with myself, knowing that I did what I did. 

I'm sorry. I'm a dead end. And I'm being very dramatic as well. 

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6 minutes ago, Cora said:

I agree with you, @OxCD, but I did something more than just having thoughts and feelings. 

If I'm not going to kill myself, I have to find a way of how to live with myself, knowing that I did what I did. 

I'm sorry. I'm a dead end. And I'm being very dramatic as well. 

You think you did... Yes: therapy will help with that - so go hassle for it. Yes - you are being dramatic but it is stressful.

I should tell you - I recently went for an interview as a therapist. The boss asked me “why should we hire you as our reverse psychologist?” I said “you shouldn’t!”

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Hi Cora,

Prior to diagnosis of OCD in 2004, something traumatic happened to me that I can't air on a public forum. It turned out that I was also suffering with undiagnosed psychotic depression, & knowing what I know now, I am certain an element of OCD. 

Having now mostly recovered from both, it is clear to me just how powerful mental health problems can be, but there really is a point where you need to resign yourself to professional help & treatment. Looking back, it the best thing I ever did!

Edited by felix4
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Hi, 

I'm so sorry to do this, but I'm panicking and don't know what to do to calm down. 

This is disgusting but here goes: about an hour ago I was trying to get the tv remote from my brother (he was trying to hide it). As I was trying to get it I kept touching his hands which let my mind and body to react in a very weird, perverted way. The reaction was mainly about me wanting to hurt him sexually and involved a strong sensation down there. Now I'm at work and the sensation still won't go away. After the incident happened I went to my room and felt like I was about to burst as I was feeling like I really wanted to go back into the living room and hurt him. I'm confused and scared. The sensation makes me feel like I'm aroused and want to do something about it. I don't know how to handle this. I really feel like I could hurt my brother any second. I'm sorry. 

Also, I'm scared that when I finish work and go home I will want to hurt my brother - that's how I feel at the moment. I'm terrified to ask this but do you think I should report myself? The way I feel now makes me really want to do it next time I see the GP. 

Edited by Cora
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