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This may be a bit of word vomit so for that I apologise! 

I struggle with intrusive thoughts and the guilt that comes with them!

I am in a bit of a rut with my OCD I am attending CBT but I am just stuck with thinking this is not actually OCD and I have just convinced myself that it is. I struggle with being happy as I don’t think I deserve to be. I also find it difficult to pick out what my compulsions are which adds to my thoughts of it not being OCD.  I visit this forum often comparing my thoughts to others sometimes it helps ease the anxiety and sometimes it doesn’t. I guess I’m just a bit stuck with how to move forward in making myself better. Any advice/stories on what helped you would be massively appreciated. 

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Welcome to the forums @Cas24

 

9 hours ago, Cas24 said:

I am in a bit of a rut with my OCD I am attending CBT

As PolarBear mentions above, CBT is a process, you can't just attend the meetings/sessions and forget about it the rest of the time.  Its absolutely necessary to learn the steps and techniques and do them everyday if you want to make real, sustainable progress.  I would ask yourself, and your therapist if you can't answer the question on your own yet, what is your plan?  What steps are you supposed to be doing every day?  How are you measuring your progress?
 

9 hours ago, Cas24 said:

but I am just stuck with thinking this is not actually OCD and I have just convinced myself that it is.

This is a very common problem for OCD sufferers.  Its also highly unlikely you have been able to fake it/convince yourself and others you have OCD.
You want to feel certain this is OCD, that would make it easier of course.  Unfortunately OCD is a disease of doubt, the whole problem is it makes it so we have a difficult time feeling certain about some things.  So if you wait until you are CERTAIN its OCD you may wait forever.  You have to make the choice to assume its OCD, even if you have doubt.  Keep treating the problem as OCD, you don't have to be 100% sure.
 

9 hours ago, Cas24 said:

I also find it difficult to pick out what my compulsions are which adds to my thoughts of it not being OCD.

This would be a good topic to discuss with your therapist, one of their jobs is to help you with steps like that.  Having difficulty recognizing your compulsions doesn't mean you don't have OCD, try to avoid taking leaps like that in your thinking and notice them when you do.  It will help to be more self aware of that type of mistake.  Again your therapist can/should help you with that.
 

9 hours ago, Cas24 said:

I visit this forum often comparing my thoughts to others sometimes it helps ease the anxiety and sometimes it doesn’t.

Here's a good place to start, this would be a compulsion.  You are engaging in a repetitive behavior to try and ease the distress that OCD causes you to feel.  This is a kind of checking compulsion, checking to see if your situation matches/is similar to other sufferers to "prove" you have OCD.  Its understandable, many of us fall in to this type of compulsion.  Now that you are aware of it, next is to make a plan on how to stop doing it, either immediately or, more likely, gradually.  If you aren't sure what to do, talk to your CBT therapist, they are there to help guide you to make a plan and come up with the steps you can take to achieve your goals.  But you will still need to do the work yourself, over and over.  OCD recovery is unfortunately seldom quick, it requires patience and time, but it is worth it in the end.

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13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Well, if you're taking CBT, a aren't you going through a process? Like, haven't you worked on listing out your obsessions and compulsions?

I am, sorry I haven’t been for a few weeks. I am going through a lot of changes in my life moving jobs/ house and area. I have been doing okay for a few years and I have just came crashing back down recently constantly reading up on OCD, checking this forum and checking how my body reacts to thoughts. I was so overwhelmed last night I couldn’t breath or calm myself down I just felt like I had finally convinced myself I was a terrible person. I feel like I’m back at square one and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it all again 

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8 hours ago, dksea said:

Welcome to the forums @Cas24

 

As PolarBear mentions above, CBT is a process, you can't just attend the meetings/sessions and forget about it the rest of the time.  Its absolutely necessary to learn the steps and techniques and do them everyday if you want to make real, sustainable progress.  I would ask yourself, and your therapist if you can't answer the question on your own yet, what is your plan?  What steps are you supposed to be doing every day?  How are you measuring your progress?
 

This is a very common problem for OCD sufferers.  Its also highly unlikely you have been able to fake it/convince yourself and others you have OCD.
You want to feel certain this is OCD, that would make it easier of course.  Unfortunately OCD is a disease of doubt, the whole problem is it makes it so we have a difficult time feeling certain about some things.  So if you wait until you are CERTAIN its OCD you may wait forever.  You have to make the choice to assume its OCD, even if you have doubt.  Keep treating the problem as OCD, you don't have to be 100% sure.
 

This would be a good topic to discuss with your therapist, one of their jobs is to help you with steps like that.  Having difficulty recognizing your compulsions doesn't mean you don't have OCD, try to avoid taking leaps like that in your thinking and notice them when you do.  It will help to be more self aware of that type of mistake.  Again your therapist can/should help you with that.
 

Here's a good place to start, this would be a compulsion.  You are engaging in a repetitive behavior to try and ease the distress that OCD causes you to feel.  This is a kind of checking compulsion, checking to see if your situation matches/is similar to other sufferers to "prove" you have OCD.  Its understandable, many of us fall in to this type of compulsion.  Now that you are aware of it, next is to make a plan on how to stop doing it, either immediately or, more likely, gradually.  If you aren't sure what to do, talk to your CBT therapist, they are there to help guide you to make a plan and come up with the steps you can take to achieve your goals.  But you will still need to do the work yourself, over and over.  OCD recovery is unfortunately seldom quick, it requires patience and time, but it is worth it in the end.

Thank you so much for you long and detailed reply! It’s such a caring thing taking the time out to reply to people. And Polar bear too!
 

I am annoyed at myself for posting on here because I know exactly what I am doing, I am looking for reassurance. But I’m going through one of those stages where OCD incredibly strong and I’m unable to rationalise with myself. It’s very true how you think your own ocd is the worst ocd and you’re the anomaly even though you match every symptom out there.  It’s all feeling like reality at the moment and not just thoughts 

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23 hours ago, Cas24 said:

I am annoyed at myself for posting on here because I know exactly what I am doing, I am looking for reassurance.

Its important to recognize our compulsions and try and reduce/stop them.
However, its also important to be kind to ourselves, to recognize that OCD is not easy to deal with, and that we don't have to be perfect.
Its ok, the forum is here for people to get help and to help each other.

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