Ben from Ozark

[Dualdiagnosissoldier]

Hey guys, I know this is the OCD thread,  so just to let you know I have OCD and it is the BANE of my existence.

So I've had OCD since I was about 10, probably younger.

Constant harm fears, not loving my parents, germs, safety, blasphemy...all the good stuff.

My primary defence was mental rituals I suppose, but not that I didn't have physical compulsions. Checking doors if they are locked etc, hypervigilance blah  lah, we know the score.

So I had my first breakdown at age 10. Went to the doctor but he brushed it off as just being a kid. I tried confiding in my parents but that wasn't much help, there was a bit of reassurance seeking, but i clearly saw they couldn't help so I bottled it up. Until I had my next breakdown at 19.

I had been self medicating with drugs and alcohol for the best part of two years, which exacerbated the problem enough to want to kill myself. So, I went to the psyche ward, started ssris and got my diagnosis. It was a relief, the meds helped, and I went back to drugs.

I kept up with the drug use another couple of years and just about managed to sustain my job. I ended up losing that, a long period of unemployment and a lot of its a blur.

Basically, I continued smoking weed and not engaging in therapy.

In more of a nutshell, I continued for years in an OCD and drug and alcohol fuelled hell. Not getting proper support and a whole lot of pain.

A couple of years ago I came into recovery from drug addiction via the 12 steps and I am a year clean and sober now. So it helped with that.

I have continued to take Sertraline, worked with the 12 steps, done community stuff - group therapy etc, CBT for OCD and I've started counselling now.

I have my good times and my bad times, but now I'm in a bad time.

I suffer a lot with depression as well, and I just slept 34 hours, yes 34, and woke up around lunchtime.

I'm still very much struggling with life. I'm not in danger of relapsing on drugs or alcohol right now, or suicide, but I am not happy with life.

My OCD is better using some of the techniques learned in CBT. 

I'm doing counselling with a psychodynamic therapist regarding childhood trauma, addiction, OCD and other general issues. I know CBT is the recommended therapy for OCD, but I want to go deeper than CBT allows. I am not saying this is for everyone. This is my personal choice.

So, anyway, to the title I chose for this topic.

This guy Ben, from the TV series 'Ozark', has mental health issues. He is bi-polar. Basically, he is unstable and decides to come off his meds so he can have sex with this girl he has fallen for. He comes off them, and is able to perform. They fall in love. But he becomes very unwell and erratic and ends up being killed.

The above storyline remedies me of myself. Ben reminds me of myself. He is damaged and unable to live a normal life. He falls in love and now he drags someone else into his mess, and ends up not being able to live up to it. He dies, and ends up breaking her heart.

This reminds me of me. I am emotionally unstable and unable to live a normal life. I want things like love, but I can't deal with them, and I will just end up hurting anyone that gets close. 

My head is screwed, and even though all the treatments have helped to some degree, I still feel broken. I am emotionally unstable. I can't do life.

I would be relieved if I could just die, but I'm not able to kill myself. 

I feel like a misfit in life and its all just too hard. 

I feel like some people are just not cut out for life, and I'm one of them.

Edited September 22, 2020 by Dualdiagnosissoldier
missed something

[PolarBear]

Hi there. A couple of things.

Going to talk therapy is great. Dig into your past, bare your soul. It's all good. Great for oart of the mind but won't do anything for OCD.

CBT is it when it comes to OCD treatment. And you pretty much get out of it what you put into it. If you get comfortable with being uncomfortable, work hard and repeatedly do things you don't want to, you'll get to somewhere better.

As for you being a misfit, well who isn't one? Really, pretty much everyone is bad or awkward at something.

Back to that part about you get out of it whst you put into it... Works for life too.

[Angst]

You call yourself dual diagnosis soldier so I suppose your dual diagnosis pertains to OCD and depression. I have this dual diagnosis and depression is the most common dual diagnosis with OCD. I found the Beck Depression Inventory questionnaire the most relevant questionnaire to monitor my depression. It is readily available on the web. You have done good work with therapy so far. Is your psychodynamic counsellor helping you? I hope so. Keep us informed.

[Dualdiagnosissoldier]

Thanks guys. I appreciate your replies.

I hear you Polar Bear about CBT. I'm very cautious about keeping what you've said in mind, even though not fully convinced.

And Angst, thanks for the positive reinforcement. I have put in a lot of effort but it gets tiring at times and I lose the will to live, even though as I've said, I'm not at risk of suicide but its almost as if I wish I could kill myself. Very dark and very morbid, I know.

In regards to the psychodynamic therapy, it is helping I would say but I think it's unsettled me a lot as I was more stable before I started it. Apparently this is not necessarily a bad thing as its quite heavy stuff. Bringing up all these emotions and issues. 

My screen name is in reference to having addiction issues and mental health issues separately, even though addiction could also be classed as a mental health issue, obviously.

Thanks for the recommendation about the depression test. I'll have to check it out.

I have been diagnosed with OCD and substance dependency before, but in terms of depression my GPs always write 'low mood'. I find this confusing because I have had so many bouts of severe depression I wonder if I should have a diagnosis for that. In some ways I feel as if I've been cheated for not having that official diagnosis, but i sympathise with the professionals because I struggle to know what's happening with myself!

When I have to fill in those questionnaires and answer questions I struggle with doubts and accuracies. I aware this could well be an OCD thing.

[Angst]

I remember now you mention it about ‘dual diagnosis’ being about having a mental health diagnosis and a substance use diagnosis. I think low mood is a synonym for depression and I think that you’re right it’s an attempt not to saddle patients with too many diagnoses. I find it’s best to fill up the questionnaires quite fast without pondering too much about each question. They are only a guide to help you and your therapist to see where you are at any particular time. They are used to judge the success or failure of a bout of therapy: if you score lower on them at the end of therapy than at the start of therapy then the therapy is deemed to have helped you. The results are collected by researchers to judge the relative success rates of different therapeutic approaches. I personally would like follow ups months and years later that you have in comparing physical therapies for bodily problems.

Edited September 24, 2020 by Angst

[Dualdiagnosissoldier]

Thanks Angst.

Some good stuff there mate.

Just to let you guys know, I'm feeling better now.

It's up and down with these things, but overall everything I have done for my own particular set of circumstances has been helpful in one way or another.

Some things are more pragmatic, like CBT and 12 steps and others are more deep, like psychodynamic counselling.

Everything has its place and we all have to follow our own path.

For me, 12 steps along with mainstream drug service support started me of on the road to recovery, and followed by CBT and now the counselling. 

Of course I've read several self help books prior to all that as well.

The one thing all I have had repeated to me over and over again, is self care. Absolutely vital.

Also, journaling is a very useful tool for the armoury, along with meditation and also prayer (depending on personal preference).

Basically, there are many tools out there that we can use to recover.

Thanks guys.

Much appreciated.

[Dualdiagnosissoldier]

Also, medication (Sertraline) has been a life saver.