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OCD Repercussion thoughts


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Hello, 

I know I shouldn't come to this site but the thoughts at the moment are getting unbearable.

I need to know if thoughts can come from an intrusive thought that was triggered but a real event. 

Basically a year ago I had a thought that I had access something really taboo online, this was triggered but a real event. I seen the work CP on a Wikipedia page an ever since then I've had this feeling of doubt that I've done sonething more sinister and have actually acsess something illegal online in relation to CP. I don't know how and I don't know what it is but I have this awful gut renching feeling that I have. Its been with me over a year now. When this happened I my first ever panic attach and after that the searching and going over my memory begun. 

A year on and I've obsessed everyday and now I'm at the point of thinking that they police are going to come and get me and that I'm going to be labeled as a P and loose everything and everyone. It would be my worst possible fear ever. I'd rather be dead. 

Can I ask, the thoughts I'm getting now can they be the repercussions thoughts that come with the initial thought. For example what I'm really struggling with atm is seeing my daughter. She is only 11 months and my love for her is beyond belief. My thoughts are telling me that she's going to be taken away from me and my partner all because of what I have supposed to have done. They thought of ruining their lives destroys me. Basically I can not dismiss the initial thought because I have the feeling that I have done something. I have no memory or evidence of doing such thing but the feeling of being guilty of a crime is overpowering. Because of this my thought process has believed I could have possible done something and now these are the consequences. Its kind of moved on from the initial thought to others. 

The thought of loosing them both really upsets me, this is where my mind is at now. I can't cope with these thoughts of loosing them. I cry sometimes when I think about it. It's so overwhelming, but I try and tell myself "Chris it's been over a year now, if you had done something like that wouldn't you have know by now" so them I'm trying to imagine how the police operates and when I see criminals who had done a crime like a year or two ago and only now being caught put all this doubt back into it. It's never ending. 

 

I've tried and tried to look for evidence, I've considered hypnotherapy to see if I can recall me doing such a horrible thing, also I've considered going to the police and asking them to check my phone, search history, everything. This I think will only be the way to get certainty.... Or not. 

Is this normal thinking for OCD for to have gone on for over a year, thinking the same thing day in day out, trying to think back to try and remember if I had done such horrible thing. I understand I'm adding the fuel to the fire but trying to think, I know I need to have the "so what" attitude, but this type of crime is really hard to do that, especially as it draws in my family. 

I believe my initial thought was an intrusive thought as it was trigger, but is this normal for OCD to like accept it as real and to catastrophize possible horrendous outcomes? 

When I get these upsetting thoughts about my family that I could loose them how do I cope with these? I feel right now my life is doomed and I don't know what I have done to deserve this as like I've said I have no mental image, video, website of accessing something in relation to that online. I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to. All I used is the public Internet g**gle and that's it. This is probably irrelevant to you but to me all these questions such as would g**gle allow CP, would my phone provider allow me to access that etc is my only hope right now as I just can not believe in myself. 

Okay, I do watch porn now and again but only the one we'll known website PH. I don't delve into anything else. I'm guessing porn doesn't help as this all started because I typed in the legal status of this website and seen that word CP. 

I hope I've explained this well. 

Thanks 

Chris 

 

 

 

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I just feel like I'm forgetting something to be feeling this way. How can one been absolutely fine one minute then your word turned upside down. Id give anything to feel like my old self again. I feel I can't look forward to anything as I have this big black cloud looming over me. What's the chances of actually doing something like that and mot remembering any details of it? Can OCD twist the truth? Can it manipulate? Can it make a thought more than what it is? Can it make something worse than what it is? Sorry for all the questions 

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I'm not going to answer most of your questions.

You are in this state because, a) you have OCD and  b) you do compulsions consistently.

That's it. Trying to remember, wracking your brain, is a compulsion. It needs to stop. Read those sentences again.

If you haven't remembered after this long, you're not going to. Any attempts to remember will only make your situation worse. 

I have seen people in your position do this for five-plus years and they still aren't any closer to the certainty they seek.

You can't have certainty. Not with this. OCD won't let you. But things do get better if you stay away from compulsions. 

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Hello again Polarbear, 

Why can I not dismiss the fact that I haven't done anything wrong, why am I feeling this way? 

Why do I have this horrible feeling that I have but no memory. If it wasn't true surely I wouldn't be feeling like this. 

How long will this go on for? I know that's down to me but I just can not let this go. It consumes my mind everyday and I worry. If it wasn't such a taboo area, the worst of the worst sort of speak I feel I could try and move on but this terrifies me. 

How do I even start to recover? I feel not giving important to the situation is not an option as like I said I very hard to dismiss. I feel I'm waiting for something bad to happen, the police to come etc. 

I feel like I can not plan ahead in my life and as I say to my partner I might not be here and locked up somewhere, this is the effect it has had on me. All of this worry and fear for something that I have no memory of. 

I really need to come to this site and post stuff as I find it helps but I know this is a compulsion. I just need to hear reassurance sometimes to the questions I ask and would like someone to give me their opinions on it.

Thank you Polarbear 

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Chris, this will go on as long as you respond to the thoughts with compulsions. 

You are likely trying very hard, basically all the time, to figure out if the thoughts are true or not. This is a compulsion and it is keeping you stuck. It's also a trap. You will NEVER get the certainty you seek by doing more compulsions. You will just go round and round in your head and get no where. 

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But is it normal to be thinking the way I'm thinking, like accepting I have done something and thinking about the consequences? 

I'm not just at the initial thought, I'm having thoughts about it being true and how my life is going to go. This makes me doubts its ocd as I feel I've accepted it as true. I read alot about other people woth OCD but they are fixated on the initial thought. 

To sum it up I feel like this is not Ocd because I've accepted I've done something terrible but don't remeber it. 

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14 minutes ago, Chris2020 said:

I'm not just at the initial thought, I'm having thoughts about it being true and how my life is going to go. This makes me doubts its ocd as I feel I've accepted it as true. I read alot about other people woth OCD but they are fixated on the initial thought. 

OCD is about doubt and the inability to accept doubt NOT the inability to accept any particular thought.  
OCD can be about any thought, it doesn't have to be an initial thought.  More often than not people with OCD get caught up in spirals of "what if", going far far far beyond the initial thought.

 

22 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

Why can I not dismiss the fact that I haven't done anything wrong, why am I feeling this way? 

Because you have OCD and thats what OCD does, it makes us continue to feel doubt/uncertainty/distress even though we normally wouldn't.
 

22 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

Why do I have this horrible feeling that I have but no memory. If it wasn't true surely I wouldn't be feeling like this.

That last part is the faulty thinking that is (at least partly) keeping you stuck.  You can feel bad and have done absolutely nothing wrong.  You can feel nothing and have done something terrible.  While it is often true that when we do something bad we feel bad, it is not guaranteed.  

For example, what if I told you that you got drunk one night and murdered someone.  I showed you pictures too. You would probably feel awful.  Guess what?  I was lying and the pictures were fake.  You still felt awful because you THOUGHT you had done something wrong, not because you HAD done something wrong.  If I lied to you for your entire life about it, you'd feel awful for your entire life even though you never did anything wrong and never deserved to feel bad.  That would make me a pretty terrible person, but thats also basically what OCD is doing to you.  Its lying to you, its saying "well gosh, you feel bad so that means you MUST have done something bad, you deserve it!".  Yet you have no proof, no reason whatsoever to believe you did something bad OTHER than that you feel bad.  

In short, the bold statement above is logically flawed.  Sticking with that line of thinking will leave you stuck.  You don't have to do that though, you don't have to agree with that statement.  You can say "I feel bad, but it doesn't mean I did something wrong".  You don't have to punish yourself for something without proof it happened.  And you don't have to go looking for proof just because you feel bad.  Thats backwards.  Assume you haven't done something awful until proven otherwise.  Assume you feel bad because of disorder called OCD until proven otherwise.  AND even if you do do something wrong in your life, you don't have to be punished for all eternity either.  The punishment should be proportional to the act.  If you make fun of someone, apologize and feel a little bad then move on, etc.  

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I really do appreciate you all for the time you take to educate me on OCD. 

I really want to ask you your opinions, for example if you did do something wrong, would you remember that thing? I know you won't answer this as it will be seen as reassurance. 

I have no evidence that I have done something but also no evidence that I haven't. I remeber when this feeling came, I wasn't as bad as I was now and then the panic attack came. From then I've been in this state of panic and yes I've probably made it worse as once this happened, I googled, googled, tried to remeber, had a timeline on paper of where and what I was doing, phone call logs, Skype, etc. This was for me, trying to remeber what, and where I was to try and eliminate having time to do such a thing. 

What makes me sick to my stomach is when I see newspaper reading or social media shares of true P's and how they are hated by society and rightly so. When I see this, I think that could be me and then I go into a state of panic. I need to read something on here about ocd and this calms me down. When I see these articles or social media posts imakes me feel as if that were me, why am I thinking like this if I haven't done anything. My mind has made me feel like guilty man and I believe this. My rational side is loosing this battle to try and make me believe in myself. I know there is no other suggestions to get over this other than to go with it but it's so hard when I think of how my life could be destroyed and all that comes with it. It's really, really hard to dismiss this sort of OCD as it's the worst or the worst. 

Thanks again 

 

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There is a piece if advice we can give. Actually, several. Identify the compulsions you do and work hard to not do them and seek professional, qualified help.

If you don't, you'll be here five years from now, saying exactly the same things.

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I know and I know that too. It's just doubt and fear always wins. I feel I am too weak to accept uncertainty due to the nature of the worries and fears. I do know though that it is the only way. 

I just don't understand though how it can get better even by ignoring the thoughts. Yes I could start to get better at some point but then it doesn't mean it isn't true. I don't want to ignore something that could come and bite me in the bum later on down the line so that's why I need to know facts. Such as if I did do what my thoughts tell me would I know by now? I I did do this thing wouldn't I remeber it? I just need for someone to challenge me and make me se sence. 

I wish I could get professional help, I am on a waiting list with the NHS but due to Covid I think its going to be a long time. I don't know what other channels there are. 

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When you resist doing compulsions, as time goes on you gain mental clarity and can see things clearly and chances are that you will realise the thoughts weren't true.  This has always been my experience but it doesn't happen overnight - you have to be consistent in resisting compulsions. 

Every day when the thought comes in you have to completely ignore it -no ruminating, no checking, no analysing, no googling, no seeking reassurance - nothing. 

You basically have to starve the thought until it becomes so weak it fades away. What you are doing is feeding the thought and keeping it strong. Everything you are doing is keeping you stuck and will continue to keep you stuck until you change how you are reacting.  

It's hard but your only other option is to stay as you are for the rest of your life which isn't much fun.

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13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Here's the thing. When you truly stop doing compulsions, for quite some time, the matter simply stops being an issue. You won't care anymore.

I know it doesn't ring true for you right now, but it is true.

This has really given me a boost. I needed to be told this as I didn't know that by stopping doing the compulsions it will make me not worry about it any more and see it for what it is. 

12 hours ago, SnowFairy said:

Every day when the thought comes in you have to completely ignore it -no ruminating, no checking, no analysing, no googling, no seeking reassurance - nothing. 

I read alot about compulsions. How do I know if my OCD, if it is OCD has compulsions? I've been stuck for over a year now worrying on fear that I have done this horrible thing and accepting it and thinking about what consequences I will have. The thoughts destroy me. 

So by me coming to this site looking for scenarios just like mine, looking at news articles about P's and their crimes and sentences, constantly asking Google "does ocd make you feel......", researching my phone providers policies on accessing material like that, trying to remeber back a year ago to when this all happened, trying to remeber every detail, creating a wall map of where, when, phone call, picture taken, Skype call, messages etc to work out a time line of what I was doing, trying to eliminate and time to do something like that. When this happened I was away from home with my dad on a weekend trip so I took many pictures and spoke to my partner and mother alot, I needed to get a log of everything. 

What is rumination in ocd terms? Is it that I'm constantly thinking about it, constantly fearing the worst, constantly fearing my future after being caught (for what I do kit know). Going over how I was feeling before this all happened to try and remember of I was feeling this way but just forgot about it? My life has changed dramatically. I don't want to go out anymore, I've stopped exercising, I've eaten alot more, I'm afraid to make future commitments for example I want to have a conservatory built but I feel I cant commit to this just it case something happens to me and my partner is left with the finacial difficulties. 

All of this I've explained about, how certain would you say this is OCD? 

Thanks again both for your response. I will finish this thread soon, as the sooner I do the sooner I can start to try and beat this. 

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Okay so if this is rumination acd this is ocd, does this mean I am innocent of the thought I've had? I know you probably can't answer that, but to have a strong feeling of guilt, panic, worry, fear over a thought is this the normal for OCD and does it mean that I haven't done what said has been done? 

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I know you want an answer. I know it's the one thing you want. But we can't give it to you.

It is giving you reassurance. Seeking reassurance is a compulsion. And compulsions don't work. Yeah, it might make you feel a little bit better temporarily, but soon enough you get more intrusive thoughts and doubts and you'll be looking for more reassurance. 

Seeking an answer is what has caused all your problems. It is keeping OCD alive in your mind. OCD won't leave you alone if you keep feeding it with compulsions. 

If you really starve the thoughts of compulsions, you won't care whst the answer is because you will have stopped asking the question. 

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I used to go over senarios in my head for false memories....and I just got into more and more of a hole and the ocd mushroomed.....you need to stop trying to remember....you can't remember something that didn't happen....it's false memory and the ocd bullying you that is all xx

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I have read alot about false memory where people recall an event from weeks, months years ago but my situation happened there and then. 

So for me this what happened:

1. I seen this girl from behind, checked her bum out then to realise she was definitely under the age of consent. I had me in my head calling me a P. I'm sure I've probably done this before but I don't know why I reacted this way this particular time. 

2.straight after this I Google the legal status of a well known porn website. I don't know why I did this but after doing it I seen the 'word' CP. I frooze and felt like I did something really wrong, I deleted my search history there and then. 

3. That day and night I was feeling guilty and upset, I felt a feeling that I've never felt before, a feeling of being a waste of space. That night I recognised this could be ocd and youtube videos of how to ignore these feelings. It was a stange feeling. Then I woke up in the early hours to go to toilet and I thought about that girl I checked out then BANG my first ever panic attack. Since that moment on the thought/feeling I have been left with over a year is that "I've seen/accessed something in relation to CP online". 

I haven't been able to shake it off, then obviously after this all the research, rumination, reassurance, googling began and still continues. 

Now I've moved on from that to worrying about the consequences as explained above. 

So is this still classed as false memory as it was like I said there and then. 

I know I'm repeating myself but I just feel I need to explain in every detail for you to understand what happened. 

Thanks 

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On 26/09/2020 at 19:39, Chris2020 said:

How do I know if my OCD, if it is OCD has compulsions?

A good rule of thumb, if you think it MIGHT be OCD, it probably is.  How do you know for sure? 100%?  You don't.  Thats the problem with OCD, it demands 100% certainty and thats impossible to achieve.
 

On 26/09/2020 at 19:39, Chris2020 said:

I've been stuck for over a year now worrying on fear that I have done this horrible thing and accepting it and thinking about what consequences I will have. The thoughts destroy me. 

You are terrified over the possibility you have done some horrible thing.  Consider the following:

So if you did do something terrible, there might be consequences, and many of them unpleasant.  But you are already experiencing terrible unpleasant consequences right now.  In being afraid of what MIGHT happen that would result in a bad outcome you are ALREADY experiencing the bad outcome.  Thats the thing about OCD, people think they are trying to avoid suffering, but they are really making themselves suffer, often worse from the fear of what MIGHT have happened.  No need to think about what the consequences MIGHT be for some imagined bad thing, focus on the consequences that are happening to you now just for being afraid.

Additionally, what if you DIDN'T do this awful thing/some awful thing?  Does it make sense to be wasting all this time/energy/effort worrying about something that might never have happened?  Instead of focusing on "what if it happened" try to say "well what if it didn't".  Lots of things MIGHT have happened that you don't remember for whatever reason, does it make sense to keep focusing on all of them?  Not really.  Yes its painful to try and let go of these worries, your brain screams at you that you MUST answer the questions you feel. But you really don't.  If you don't you'll actually be ok.  Seriously.
 

On 26/09/2020 at 05:55, Chris2020 said:

I feel I am too weak to accept uncertainty due to the nature of the worries and fears.

It really doesn't matter what the worry/fear is.  It could be the worst thing you could possible imagine.  It could be that you are the reincarnation of Hitler combined with the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper and that tomorrow you will suddenly lose control and commit every possible horrible crime you can imagine.  You don't have to prove thats not true, which is good because you CANT prove its not true.  There is no way possible to prove anything 100%.  You just can't.  Its literally impossible.  None of us knows what will happen in the future with certainty.  You feel like you can't accept uncertainty because the possible consequences are awful right?  What if this horrible thought turns out to be true?  But the uncertainty exists whether you accept it or not.  Refusing to accept uncertainty does nothing except cause you to suffer.  Accepting uncertainty allows you to live your life, it DOES NOT mean you "like" or "want" you're feared thought to be true.  

Accepting uncertainty isn't about being strong, its about recognizing that certainty is impossible to achieve.

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Hello, 

 

The information and help you have all provided has been a massive help, I'm guessing I have taken it as reassurance but I just need to understand this is all ocd. 

Hopefully this will be my last question. 

How come this has happened now? I'm 32 and have never experienced this before. I believe I've had OCD since a very young age. It used to take me ages to go to bed, leave the house etc as the checking I had to do was crazy. I would leave for school get to the top of my road only to come back to make sure the outside tap was off. I just to do crazy rituals blinking before I'd go to sleep and had to make sure all doors, light and gas was off. I used to stare at them for minutes to try and register that they were off. 

It's strange because all this was only present in my parent home, I used to think if I don't do this don't check that it's going to effect them in some way financially or death. I felt I had to be the protector. 

Anyways since leaving home I still do certain things in my own home but nothing on the level to my parents. This ocd, if it is I could deal with. Yes it was bad and stressful but I could live my life. 

Now all of a sudden I've got this? How can something like this happen if it never happened before? I take some hope that it is OCD because I knew I had ocd as a child so maybe they could be linked. 

I've always been a worrier and people say I'm negative, I can't help that. 

So can this thought just come onto me, scared me to death and changed my life. Can this happen? 

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You're still looking for reassurance. You want to be absolutely sure this is OCD. Nothing we say will give you the certainty you seek. You'll just have to be okay with that.

We do not know why OCD does what it does. Some people have the same theme/houghts for 30 years. For others their current theme jumps around sll the time. Still others will have one theme for quite some time only to have it flip to domething else for no apparent reason.

Now that you know that, none of it matters. What matters is that we know how to fix it.

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